The KEY Question You Ask and MUST have Answered even though you probably don’t know you are asking it

What’s the KEY to surviving an affair and eventually moving beyond it with a sense of relief and increasing joy?

Well, when the agony and betrayal of the affair envelops you and soaks into every cell of your body, mind and spirit, there is one question that you ask. You ask it over and over again.

And, you are probably not aware that you are asking it. It resides just below the surface of your thoughts. But, believe me it’s there. You want it answered.

I was coaching someone recently and she “got it.” We touched on the core of this question. There was silence. And then muffled tears. They were tears of relief, not sadness, agony or resentment. Her breathing slowed. She reached down and realized this was the question. She received the answer – if just for that moment.

Don’t muddle in the affair. I’ve heard, counseled and seen countless people unwilling to shake the memories, the images, the rage and sense of helplessness.

A cauldron of anger lies just below the surface and is easily ignited. On edge, unwilling to give and welcome. Reluctant to EVER trust themselves to another person again. Their life of quiet desperation goes on and on and on…

They avoided, ignored, never faced the question and therefore received no answer, no relief, no joy.

You see, I know what the question is. It’s not because I have a doctorate, am smarter, wiser or a guru. I walked blindly for years. And then I walked through the valley. The question kept emerging. I would push it away until it no longer would tolerate my blindness.

And, then I got it. Partially at first and then exponentially the fog was lifted.

This is not an easy valley to walk through, but it’s much easier than muddling for the rest of your life.

I’ve coached and read testimonials from literally hundreds on my sites who “got it.” And their “getting it” became stronger and stronger, accumulating more and more positive power over time.

I’m giving more and more thought to this question and how to serve you better in “getting it.”

Really “getting it” takes time. I would say anywhere from 3-18 months for someone bumping into the wrenching agony of an affair.

Comments

  1. So what is the question?

  2. I’m with ej–what is the question? You’ve totally lost me with this empty blog entry, I’m afraid, dr. Bob.

  3. You are not the only ones wanting to know. And, I’m writing an article in response which will address your question. But, please take some time to think about the questions you are asking inside yourself. What are the questions you are asking? And, then ask: What’s underneath that? What is the question(s)I’m REALLY asking? Please respond with what you think the questions you are asking in this blog comment section.

  4. Does it matter what any of the answers to my questions are? Once I know all the answers — what’s the question I ultimately want to answer?
    Can I forgive him no matter what all they did(whether I know or not)? —
    if I can then…
    Will I ever be at peace knowing it’ll never happen again? —
    if no then…
    Can I continue living on in a situation knowing I may never be at peace to ever trust you again?
    if no then…
    If I can’t trust you to love me with respect as I ought to be loved, who can I trust?
    if there’s no one I can trust then…
    What is wrong with me that I don’t deserve to be loved as others successfully love each other?
    if there’s something wrong with me then…
    How was the affair my fault?
    if the affair was my fault, yet he didn’t even tell me what I was “driving him to do” then …
    Why should I try at all?
    if it’s my fault regardless of what he’s done then…
    Why should I even try to do what I ought to?
    if it’s not my fault then…
    What should I do?
    What’s the right thing to do?
    What’s it worth my life to be doing?
    How do I have peace that I know what reality is and that I can trust my own judgement?
    Do I need to know what reality is to have peace and trust my own judgment?
    If what’s best for me is the right thing to do — how do I know what’s best for me?
    If what’s best for me isn’t the best thing to do (thus not the right thing to do)– how do I know?

  5. Sheila,

    You have hit several nails on the head. The good Doctor has created more questions than possible answers.

  6. OK…just found out that he’s cheating on me again (with the same girl)…confronted him. He only response was “why are you here with me”…I responded by stating, “because I don’t believe this is who your true Charcter is”…

    This has been going on for two years…when is enough…enough????

  7. If I had to guess I would say that the need to know I am loveable is the underlying push behind my need to know.

    Ronda…now that is also a good question! One that I asked myself many times! I turst I will know without a doubt when time’s up. As if wild horses couldn’t keep me here…

  8. My questiion is why?
    why invest in a marriage and have children then walk away from them?
    why lie?
    why not be a man, communicate and leave us the right way?
    why do you get all the freedom and i get the children 24/7 with all the bills?
    why are you morals and values gone to the wayside?

    so many whys

  9. Ronda,
    I have been under the assumption for 7 months that it was over with them. It was not. He has continued to lie even though we are separated and he has filed for divorce and everyone knows about the divorce. Why does he have to continue to lie? He asked me why I wanted him back and I said the same thing basically, he is not in his right mind, his true self is lost. I want back the man I married and have loved for 22 years, not this man who I do not even know anymore! When is enough??????????

  10. I confronted him this weekend with all his lies. He basically told me that he didn’t want to talk about. He knows he turned into a lier, and maybe his true charcter is being defined now. He said he loved me more than anyone, past & current. He doesn’t know why he does what he does.

    He then turns around and tells me I’m being judgemental and mean and if I just be myself, everything will work out.

    I’ve done exactly what he wanted…for two years, I’ve done everything his way…I’m tired of it. I love him, but I respect myself more…I think I’m ready to walk away…I’m more than this situation…

    Anyone have any good links or advise for recovery…I’m past the pain of finding out…I’m past the pain of rejection…I just want to heal and move forward in a positive way.

  11. Ronda,

    I don’t have any links for you, but I do know exactly how you feel. We are 2 years out as well, and while I am fairly certain that my h isn’t in contact with the op any longer, I am not at all sure that it matters in the scheme of things. What if that makes it easier for him to stay here and keep his word to me technically, while biding his time until it all settles down?

    I am not sure what THE question is, but I do know that at some point I am going to have to answer this question for myself: Is this marriage worth all the trouble? What’s to gain and what’s to lose either way?

    My h is doing everything “right” at this point. Therapy weekly, transparent as possible, but I can’t shake the feeling that he is doing this for all the wrong reasons. Like he is following the rulebook, but not absorbing much. I don’t want him to writhe in guilt over what he did, but I am not confident that, given the same circumstances in the future, that he learned the greater lesson.

    This is his same MO that has covered the span of our 25 year marriage: Doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Even though he shares more of his thoughts with me, I still don’t feel an emotional connection.

    Worse than watching them attempt to walk a straight line is not knowing if that is enough for ME. Make sense?

    What I ask myself all the time is: Why are you still here? Love isn’t a good enough ex0planation.

    Why are you still there, ronda? Do you know what you are hoping for, waiting for? Any light you can share with me on that would be greatly appreciated!

  12. Nicki:

    Why am I still here? Why do I keep hanging on? Over the past two years I could have named off countless reasons why…but as of now…I can’t. The intentional hurt he inflicts upon me with his continuation of lies and betrayal has affected me in ways I can’t describe right now…

    I feel as though he insults my intelligence every time he lies…I feel resentment towards him for putting me in this position…I feel angered that he has taken advantage of my good spirit, patients, and love…

    He still says he loves me…and I just look at him and think…you don’t know what love is.

    I’m tired of holding him accountable to his lies, and I’m tired of calling him out…it doesn’t do or change anything…he doesn’t even feel bad about it…

  13. Ronda:

    That’s exactly how I feel. I told my h a couple of weeks ago that “he seemed incapable of not hurting me”.

    I have lost my voice from all the talking about what I need to have from him, etc. (truth would be great!) and he seems unable to tell me the truth. Hey, when I tell someone that I can handle it, that I need to hear it, etc. and he insists that NOT telling me is what’s best for me, I am just left scratching me head in amazement.

    I, like you, am a very patient woman. I never had ultimatums in this marriage. I am open-minded and tolerant and a strong supporter of the belief that we all have the right to follow our own path to happiness. I even told him she sounded like a lovely girl–when he first told me about her–and I would help him go to her with the least amount of disruption possible!

    Sooo..why the need to keep lying? I have NO idea, truly…

    I guess I am still here for a variety of reasons, but it seems I have let go trying to get anymore questions answered. I am pretty sure I know enough now to answer the final question:
    What is my vision for my future, my life?

    I do not intend to be anyone’s analyst, nursemaid, 2nd choice. So, as it stands right now, this is not the life for me.

    If I can clearly state what I want and then move confidently toward that future, then he can catch up with me or not. His choice. Right?

  14. Nicki:

    You are absolutly correct when you stated “we must move forward towards the future, and he can catch up with me or not his choice”…

    We should meet on the some board? seems like we have a lot in common…it’s been a long, wild rollercoaster ride…but I think I’m ready to get off…

    would be nice to have some support from someone who’s knows what I’m going through…

    I’m past the shock, hurt, sleepless nights…I think I’m ready to move forward, and leave this painful situation behind.

  15. Ronda:

    I will try and keep posting here. There are sooo many boards that I sometimes forget where I posted last!

    It sure is nice to speak to others who know exactly what we are feeling and going through. I appreciate my supportive friends, they haven’t experienced this firsthand, and have NO idea how very painful it is and how many phases and stages and the range of emotions we go thru.

    Moving forward is a good thing :-) First I am going to spend some time visualizing it fully in my mind. I know I deserve better and so do you!

  16. What is the Question?

    For me the question has been and remains. What do I need to do to heal and move on from betrayal.

    It has been a four year journey. I have discovered during it, who my friends are, who I am. What my boundaries are. What I will accept in my life. What is absolutely not to be tolerated in my life. What makes me laugh,smile, cry.

    Find me has been the only thing which made any sense to me. Anything else did nothing more than put the focus on him which did nothing but cause me to chase my tail.

    It becomes what do I need, what I want in life. Not what do I need to do to win him back. He ever wants me he will know how to find me. He may discover I no longer want to try, he may discover I might think about it. He may discover as I have life it too short to waste time on futile dreams. That life happens, it does not stop for anyone. There is happiness to be found. Happiness is not about winning . Happiness is about feeling inner peace, inner strength. It is not about me finding him. It is not about my waiting for his ephiphany, it was about finding my own. He has his questions and answers he must find for himself.

  17. Hi Gailann
    Wow 4 yrs the same as me, funny your first two sentences have been the story of my life. All that you said is true but nonetheless its no easy road. Like you I still am searching for those answers.
    I dont know your story or how many kids you have but would love to.
    Sometimes its hard to know where to find happiness. and the hard thing is you can have some great days and then some real bad ones. I dont know that anyone truly heals from this stuff, you get a scar really and like any scar it is always there, sometimes it gets reinfected and others is almost gone and some in the middle.
    it does become what I need but with kids makes that very hard to do sometimes because what we need and they need are not always one in the same, If you find those answers let me know i need them

  18. Vicki Hazel says

    I just get up everyday and ask this question (affair was 2003) and my soon to be ex now has just built a brand new house with his future bride, which is less that 2 blocks from mine…. SO as I go on each day, I simply ask… WHO AM I GOING TO LET OWN MY DAY?

    I can let all those feelings of worthlessness and betrayal and anger ruin my day OR I can own my DAY and make of it what I want. So just ask are you going to give that power to your spouse (estranged or not), to your spouse’s lover, or to yourself? WHO OWNS YOUR DAY?

  19. What ever happened to ’til death do us part’?
    Did we not make a promise to God?
    We are not breaking that promise, they are. But that doesnt give us the green light to move on/do the same. One has to uphold the vows or we are no better than them.
    Please dont get me wrong. I can relate to each and everyones thoughts and feelings.
    But their actions should not dictate ours. We are the bigger people and we must stand our ground or its all pap.
    Especially if there are children involved. They are watching and learning. Let us set the right example for them.

  20. What’s wrong with being alone?
    Don’t you love yourself enough to chose being alone?
    Really, isn’t that’s what is driving you to keep putting up with the h crap? You don’t want to be alone. you are afraid to be alone? What is broken in myself that I would continue to allow a person to do this to me? Why not scrape them off my shoe and move on?

    Fear….of being alone? I have been alone before. I was alone in a relationship. Being alone and loving myself validating myself is truly the only way to be free. Love yourself more than what you believe the relationship is giving or has given you. Belief that you can love again and be loved. That while not perfect you are not the flawed empty person that you married.

    How could I have been so fooled? Everyone I talk to was fooled?

    The chamelion. The pleaser. These people hide who they really are for a long time. Then one day when they can no longer hide you see the real person. You are expendable then. Character flawed individuals that are destined to repeat over and over again their pain…… until they are black in their cores their souls so they present to the world a hollow shell or bitter angry people. These people if they don’t grow while they can will be abondaned in the future by all who ever really loved them. They are incapable of being loved or loving because they really don’t love themselves. They want each new person that comes into their lives to hold the love mirror up for them because they cannot do it for themselves.

    That’s my theory. I am off the crazy h train. I feel good about that. I do believe I have found myself again and know what I am willing and not willing to put up with even if it means I am alone for the rest of my life. I at least love and know myself. That is and will be the most important lesson I learned from this.

  21. WHAT AM I GOING TO CHOOSE TO DO WITH THE POWER I HAVE? WHAT DO I CHOOSE?

  22. The most important thing I learned is not to let the missing pieces of the puzzle consume me. First of all…know that your cheating spouse made a consious decision to cheat. Then he looked at you as a scapegoat to blame for his poor decisions. While both parties usually contribute to the “falling out of love” process in an unhappy marriage, It was still his decision to cheat. If he had been married to someone else he probably would have still cheated….maybe with you. You are not to blame for his character flaws or his poor decisions. Just your own. Remember that.
    I don’t know where to start. He cheated, her husband called and told me, I found out there were many before her, we went to counseling, became “newly weds” again after 33 years, things were going great then he withdrew, acted like he hated me and told me 2 days after my mother died that he want ME to leave because HE needed a fresh start…..well I didn’t leave but he did a month later. Tears, pain, grief, anger hopelessness all rolled into one. But then the light came on and I realized that this was not a problem for ME to solve. It was a problem HE had to solve. That was 2 years ago. The divorce is final, I am alone but I know that HE is the one who has to wrestle with himself, not me. He remarried about 6 months ago….Wonder how long it will be before he is back in the same situation. No one can make him happy he has to do that for himself. I am responsible for me….not him…He is responsible for himself and not me. Let the puzzle pieces go……state your position…..then if he doesn’t want to play by the rules then he has to make a choice. You or her. There can never be an in between. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect when they can learn to be respectful of others. If he cheats he is not respectful of you or himself. The decision is his alone, but you don’t have to go down the tubes with him. Good Luck God Bless

  23. I read all of your stories and I think gosh I was with him for 6 years and now one year since he left for the OP Im still going through this crap. My question is actually 2. I dont know if this is the correct question he was referring to but I definitely want to know WHY DID HE DO THIS AND WHY AM I STIL IN THIS????
    I completely understand that I deserve better and that I didnt cause this to happen and like some of you had said, he has been seeing both of us for the past year, we all know about each other so why keep lying? WHY do you keep telling me we cant be together right now and that you know it will go no further with her than what it is right now, well right now has been going on for a year, so what is it that it isnt?

    I think somedays I am strong enough to leave and somedays Im still hanging in there. I cant believe a word he says and for that matter her either. I happen to run into her at a local store by my home ( of which I moved to another town to get away from all of us living in the same town) and boom there she is. It appears that he has had the we arent going to go any further than this talk and she told me she and he were better at being friends and that she cant take the lies any more either. She didnt realize he had just left my house not 15 minutes before I ran into her. She said it herself, he has made us hate each other with all of the lies. I said well just because you lie in his bed doesnt mean he meant the things he said, that goes for myself as well.

    How do I know when enough is enough? Some of you have gone 3 4 or more years with this. I just dont understand how someone could do this to people that they claim to have loved. I guess maybe they didnt ever love but why keep me in your life. Why tell me one day we will be back together that you need some stability in your life like building a home. That I told him was just geography, stability of having a home isnt the same as fidelity. Two different things.

    I think some days I wish I were dead and didnt have to deal with it any longer. We are tied together emotionally, financially, I even started his business with my contacts which became very lucrative and then it all changed. 6 years of your life you spend with someone thinking they are your best friend. Now Im finding out the hard way who all my real friends are.

    Im trying to get past the bitterness, the anger, the pain, but so far have not been too successful. I know i need to work on me and finally tomorrow I move to my own residence. A place for my daughter and I. What a change being on my own should be. I hope it makes me stronger and happier and more able to work on me.

    I’ll keep praying for the best to happen whatever that may be, with him or without him. I’ll keep you guys in my prayers too.

    This was my first time doing this Im sorry if I was too winded but I hope I have found some real friends here!

  24. I haven’t posted here in quite sometime. I havn’t read the other posts yet…..someone may have responded to mine.

    But I read this in a different space. It is the space I am in now. I am sitting with this mess and waiting. I’m not entirely sure what I am waiting for, only that I know I must be sure about me. I must take care of me. And I am doing that to the best of my ability right now.

    My question has been “Why do I want this relationship?” I now know the answer, but the answer is not one that is being played out. So the reality of this situation is that if he can not make the connections (and I mean that on many levels) that are needed it won’t play out the way I would hope it to.

    So now I am taking care of me and waiting for the day that I am ready to move on more than I already have. Divorce is all that is really left. But I am clear, right now, that I need to be ready for it before I make that step. That is one way I am taking care of me. I am not moving too fast anymore. I am not being reactive (at least not in the big picture and rarely in the day to day). I am not holding off either for unreasonable hope. Just getting used to my skin in its new form.

    It seems that he will not decide, so I will have to. But if that is the case, then it only makes sense for me to pay attention to me and move on, each step, when I am ready. That is what I’ve done to this point and I must say it helps to alleviate the bitterness…….my biggest goal is to not live a bitter life.

    I will be happy……I know it. But in my own time, on my own terms. It seems it will be without him……..but only when I am relatively sure I can stand on my own two feet. I am oh-so-close to that now. Just trying to be still and feel the feelings…..go through it and not around it. Painful at best.

    Thanks for all your thoughts…..they help and support my feelings of working for me.

  25. As I think back, I do remember asking myself this question (after recalling and reliving what he did for the millionth time!): “Does this have anything to do with me?” The answer was, “NO!” His issues, his problems,etc.

    That’s when I was able to turn the corner and focus on me and what I needed. It’s also when I was able to really charge neutral and get my power back!

  26. My last note was on April 4th and as I re-read it I realize that I have been through many rounds in the days inbetween and have come back to the same place. Sitting with my feelings and asking myself hard questions about what it is that I want for me. Today it seems possible that he can provide what I need. But this is still speculation. At what point will I KNOW what move is right for me?

    Whenever that happens I pray I will be strong for me and KNOW that whatever it is……it is right for me.

    I do have my power back and it is easier to charge neutral now……again. I know I’m not there yet as I still lose it too easily. Not as much, or as often, but still. I need to be cared for and heard. That is the bottom line of love. I need to be able to care for and listen. And we both need to be willing and able to do it with each other. Very tough questions. So much fear and hurt falling in the road in between.

  27. I can relate to many of you, either been through or going through many of the feelings you have. To make a long story short, yes H had an affair! After two yrs of my gut instinct telling me that he was, he finally admitted to it in feb 2006! Just recently, I found her phone # on his phone and confronted him about it. Denied it all! I know what I saw, I am not BLIND! So, I asked about it again and told him I needed to see the detailed billing statement, and then he finally admitted to calling her. Said he didn’t get ahold of her though. When I asked him why after all this time he had the need to call her, he replied, I just wanted to see what she was up to? tell me why should he even care??? Anyway, still trying to sort through this whole mess and like I told him, all I want is the truth!!! If you want her just say so, but I refuse to live like this any longer and I deserve better!

  28. So when is this ever forgivable… never I suppose. I was the one who cheated. I made the decision to do it. Yes I was lonely, after 9 years my wife informs me she just wants to be a “mother” not a wife. So I live with a roommate. No love, no affection, no warmth. She “loves” me provided I keep bringing home money. After many months I go on a business trip and get a crush, something I haven’t had since I was a teenager. Didn’t know what to do and felt awful so I confessed to my wife and of course didn’t tell the other person. My wife cries and I tell her how sorry I am. Nothing has happened. She says she’ll try to make things better, spend more time together, etc. No. After a week it’s the same or worse. We are never together intimately so more months later I move out of the bedroom hoping this will spur some action, send a message, anything, I beg but she doesn’t respond. Nothing. We start going to counciling but this too doesn’t work as the husband and wife team (from our church) that run it argue and bicker with each other in front of us. I want to switch to another councilor but this simply “proves” my lack of commitment to the relationship. Then all hell breaks loose.

    After I get back from another business trip I find that she has cleaned out all the accounts, emptied the gun safe and moved them to parts unknown, and demands I get out. I leave under threats of harm. I arrange to move in with a male friend but the room isn’t ready. I can’t stay there and have no place to go, no money, and only my car to sleep in. This other woman (yes we’re friends by this point) puts me up at her place and within a week I find out my secret feelings are mutual. I have an affair. I did it. I have broken my vow with this other person and shamed myself and I can’t take it back. My wife unbeknownst to me puts a tracking device on my car when I am at work. All the stolen money she took easily finances a PI who gets pics of my car at the other womans place a week after I moved out. I get served.

    I try to reconcile, she won’t hear of it. She tells me how happy she is now that I am gone and she is “where she needs to be!!!” so happy to be paying her own bills!!! (with the money she took of course). I never see my children and have to fight legal battles for months for visitation. She threatens my life, tells everyone that I have been seeing this woman for years, and that I was mentally cruel calling her horrific names every day of our marriage none of which is true. I am accused of all manner of crimes only one of which I am actually guilty of and not on the timetable described (although that probably is just splitting hairs).

    For those here who have suffered I am truly sorry. I wish I could apologize to make it up but I can’t and now it’s too late and there is nothing I can say or do. Every kind action or even attempt at a kind action I try to do is framed in the worst way and simply added to my list of “crimes”. I can’t win or surrender and she is taking great delight in seeing me struggle. I know this is just deserts but still… I offered her everything, the house, alimony, cs, for 16 years until my youngest is well into college but she hasn’t responded nor will she forgive anything. Every day its “NO! you can’t talk to the kids you have a DEMON IN YOU AND YOU LIVE A LIFE OF SIN!!!” I don’t know what to do. Just breathing and hoping that life someday will get better. Will the hate ever dry up I wonder?

  29. constantly confused says

    i love what you are doing . about to buy your ebook and step out on faith .. I will make it !! thank you so very much ..

  30. my wife left me one night we started to see each others was getting on ok she started to go off on a weekend no one now where no one could get in touch with her on the 4 time she came back she send she didn’t won’t to have a relationship ship but still see me as she sed she could not see he self growing old with out me found out where she was going she was going to a friend of ours he is 60 has problems in the bed room has to take piles he is a diabetic had hart attack she has not spoke to her son and daughter which are in there 20s he is stopping them from seeing he and her them i am in the pane and loneliness i do love her been together for 26 years
    she’s been gone foe 4 months seems to be him first
    left me with all the bills and 2 kids at home What ever happened to ’till death do us part’?
    Didn’t we not make a promise to God?

    my wife is 41 years

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