The KEY Question You Ask and MUST have Answered even though you probably don’t know you are asking it. Part II.

I?stirred the pot. Boy did I get the emails with the article: The KEY Question You Ask and MUST have Answered even though you probably don’t know you are asking it.

I’ve observed thousands of people suffering from infidelity and, from my point of view, there is one underlying question that almost all ask. After a time of reflection and work at healing the pain, they “get it” and the question is answered.

I didn’t divulge in the article “the question.” Hence the emails: WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

I feel compelled to follow up.

I am very reluctant to give you the question for a number of solid reasons.

1. First, I don’t want you to give me too much power. And, power is a key issue. In reality, I don’t want you to give anyone more power than they deserve.?In infidelity?offended partner often gives excessive power to the partner and or the other person. Every word and thought of the offended partner tends to hang on what the offending partner is saying or doing or not saying or doing. The offended spouse feels victimized, helpless and at the mercy of the other relationship. Why in the world would anyone give that much power to a person(s) who is clueless, lost and committing slow relational and familial suicide? And, often, when shifts in that power are made by the offended partner, dramatic changes occur. I hear it daily from those I coach and send me testimonials on the power of Break Free From the Affair.

I want you to claim your power. Don’t hand it over easily, even to me!

2. If I told you, you probably wouldn’t believe me. In some ways the question is fairly obvious and you may dismiss it as too simplistic.

3. If I told you, you probably would brush it off and move on to something else. Oh, so that is THE QUESTION he is talking about! OK, now that my curiosity is fed I can answer the next question in my life. I don’t want you to brush off this question. I want you to look at it – with great intensity.

4. The question is found in YOUR journey to healing and peace. The question (and answer) will not come from an external source (such as me) but from within you. Now,? since I know what that question is I can be there for you on that journey and be your guide. But, ultimately, it is you who will discover it. And when you do you will see powerful, wonderfully lasting changes in how you feel and think – guaranteed.

I keep telling people that redesigning your life and relationships after infidelity typically takes 2-4 years for those who struggle on their own. My goal is to accelerate that process for you, cutting it down to 6-18 months. I offer you the Infidelity Insider Membership for that very purpose: providing you the support, encouragement and resources you need to break free more quickly and powerfully well.

Remember infidelity is your gift. Yes, I mean that! I’ve read hundreds of books on relationships. Have logged over 30,000 hours of direct face to face therapy. Have over a 1,000 hours of supervision as a marriage therapist? and yet, I learned the most about infidelity from the infidelity in my marriage. And, it took me a while to learn! (maybe I’m a little slow!). I was able to turn the proverbial lemon into lemonade.? I think so many respond so positively to my material and me, because I discovered the question and the answer from the?ripped fabric in my life. God it hurt. But I was blessed with it as well.

So how do you name the question and experience the answer? Here’s a posting from someone who is very very close! Listen to her and then take a few minutes to see which of these questions is most painfully pressing on you:

Does it matter what any of the answers to my questions are? Once I know all the answers ?” what’s the question I ultimately want to answer?
Can I forgive him no matter what all they did (whether I know or not)? ?”
if I can then??
Will I ever be at peace knowing it’l never happen again? ?”
if no then??
Can I continue living on in a situation knowing I may never be at peace to ever trust you again?
if no then??
If I can’t trust you to love me with respect as I ought to be loved, who can I trust?
if there’s no one I can trust then??
What is wrong with me that I don’t deserve to be loved as others successfully love each other?
if there’s something wrong with me then??
How was the affair my fault?
if the affair was my fault, yet he didn’t even tell me what I was “driving him to do?? then ??
Why should I try at all?
if it’s my fault regardless of what he’s done then??
Why should I even try to do what I ought to?
if it’s not my fault then??
What should I do?
What’s the right thing to do?
What’s it worth my life to be doing?
How do I have peace that I know what reality is and that I can trust my own judgement?
Do I need to know what reality is to have peace and trust my own judgment?
If what’s best for me is the right thing to do ?” how do I know what’s best for me?
If what’s best for me isn’t the best thing to do (thus not the right thing to do)?” how do I know?

Spend some time with this. What do YOU think the question is? What is THE question right now, YOU are asking?

Please gift others with your thoughts by posting a comment.

Comments

  1. Vicki Hazel says

    Who am I going to let own my day?

  2. A variant on Vicki’s question:
    Why should the way I feel about myself depend on the actions of others – especially if these actions are wrong?
    Translation: “I feel bad about myself because he does something wrong” – clearly madness.

  3. WHAT WILL I CHOOSE TO DO WITH THE POWER I HAVE? (After all it is my power and my coice.)

    I choose. I choose to dwell in my pain or to grow. I choose to hate or to forgive. I choose to hide or to understand. I choose.

  4. I think the question is “how long will you let yourself feel this threatened?” Finally realized that this isn’t something that I want to feel again and that a good marriage is not maintained when one or the other person feels so “managed.”

  5. Anonymous says

    As a husband who has been badly cheated by his two-timing wife, I had been thinking about Dr. Huizenga’s question for a while. Then I forgot about it and suddenly saw the ANSWER staring me in the face on the T-shirt of a girl walking down the street: I’M THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD!

    So now you all know what the QUESTION is!

    It made a lot of sense to me although I’m not quite sure if it’s Dr. Huizenga’s QUESTION though…

  6. the question is
    Does he love me ?
    Can I truly forgive him and move on?
    Do I love him after all of this or do I just love the fantasy I created of what I wanted him to be?

  7. My situation is with a serial cheater, through 7 out of our nine year marriage. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I barely can out of bed but have to for my three young boys. How will I ever recover? I feel so completely helpless….

  8. The question I have asked myself over and over again sometimes unknowingly is: Am I okay? Do I measure up? Am I loveable? When I first learned of my husbands affair, one of the first thoughts I had was he did it because of something I did or was. I began to think I was fat and ugly. i’m not by the way, but i sure felt that way. Why he did what he did, must have been something to do with me. I went onto to believe it was because i wasn’t good enough at listening to him or understanding him or being a good wife to him or mother to his children or a good enough cook or good enough at everything else that i had comfortably identified myself with over the years prior to the affair. I have struggled and fought this question of am i okay as a person and more and more am beginning to believing the answer: YES I AM

  9. The Key Question is: If you are a Christian, then why have you placed so much TRUST in a fallible, mortal man? It does no good to confront the man about anything he does or doesn’t do for you or to you. If you are Christian, then your bible tells you ONLY to trust God and LOVE man; it NEVER tells you to trust any man, not once. If you follow your biblical instruction and LOVE the man, then you will forgive him, forgive yourself, and toss the whole thing into “the sea of forgetfulness”. If you are not a Christian, I have no answers for you because your thoughts and priorities are misplaced….and yes, these words are from a woman who has “been there” with an unfaithful husband.

  10. Not sure about the christian comment….but, can tell you that after finding out about multiple infidelities over the past 20 years, and including a baby born of one of these…real tough to take that one, I realize, he is sick. i am not. The community that kept all these secrets from me for so long was just trying to protect me and my children from something that was INEVITABLE…we were going to find out one day and it was going to hurt us. This is the family history he has handed to his children..all of them. Not very pretty. Where do i fit in? I was at least not the sick one. I think i was the strong one, the committed one, the one that the kids can at least respect. They may love him, that is natural and I have no problem with it, but I doubt they will ever respect him. They do respect me. They are somewhat puzzld as to why i have not left yet. i will when i am ready, or i won’t. ball is in my court. I fear nothing, it has all been done already. he is in AA and trying slide infidelity in there as a syptom of alcoholism. Isn’t that what they do on TV? Not buying that. Different issue. Bottom line, he has lost his self respect. Not me. And the women that did this with him are bottom feeders. I feel like I am just observing badbehavior…it is everywhere….

  11. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

    What part did I play in this? Truth is everyone who was cheated played a part, while we would like to think we didnt, we did. In some ways we had little choice. They chose so we had a new choice to make, but in others we made a choice everyday of our lives that led up to that event. Little choices that affected everyone around us, even our spouse. Does it let them off the hook? No, but then it doesnt give us then it doesnt let us off either.

    So eventually I have to ask myself what is it my spouse needed that I didnt supply? What is it about me that my spouse didnt respect? What is it I need to change? and finally what is it that I really truly can control?

    The only one I control is me, the only one I can change is me and as I change me others around me respond to me differently

  12. not sure there is ONE question and ONE answer

    Who is responsible for making things better? Answer: “I can only keep my side of the street clean, my partner will have to deal with his side, I’m not going to do it (cannot do it) for him”. That takes a big load off of me!

  13. I think the question is “what do I want in my life?” All the other questions follow from there.

    How will I deal with this? What will I do? Where will I go from here? Once I know the answer to the first question I can answer the others. This happened to me, I had no control over it, I can’t undo it but I have to accept it and move on. I first need to know what I want in my life before I can do anything.

  14. the question? how long will I let someone else decide for me? what I want? how I feel? what I can and can’t do? It’s all about free agency and the power of choice. I think that in trying to build a perfect Christian marriage and home and life that I gave up alot of my own personal power and free will mistakingly thinking that I was supposed to “become one flesh” and because he was the man and the head of the household, then I needed to do and follow what he said……. however, I learned that religion is a personal walk with God and that we are accountable for our own choices and therefore we need not give it up to someone else. I will answer for my life…. not his…. I will be accountable for my choices and he will answer for what he has done and the mess that he created. I finally learned that I had to accept him as he is and loved him still……. but, and this is very important…. I could love him and care about him, but to be true to myself I had to admit that I didn’t like him… I did not like the person that he had become. He has no respect for me. He has chosen to be mean and uncaring and a liar and a cheater. He is not the man that I fell in love with. I was in love with the man that he could become and the man that he was…. The REALITY is he is not the kind of person that I want to spend my life with. He has chosen to lie and cheat… he made the choice but he is not afforded the luxery of choosing the consequences of his actions. He is “not the boss of me” We are now in the middle of a very ugly divorce and I will loose everything financially and it will take years to recover….. I did not choose this. I packed his bags because he continued to cheat and lie…. I “stepped over nothing” I could take no more…….. He left…. he is now living with her…. and it is not a bed of roses for them….. they deserve each other and I wish them the best……… I am at peace with myself and know that I did what was right for me……. It is all about taking care of our self… we can only answer for who we are, how we live our life and be the best that we can be…… he will answer for how he is living his life……… I am happy. I am a great person and it is his loss. He will wake up some day and have to face who he is and what he has become and what he has traded his time for in this like…….. we all answer for ourselves………

  15. SO DOC ARE ANY OF THESE EVEN CLOSE? Now that you have “stirred the pot” a little guidance would be nice.

  16. Maybe the question is…So, what now?

  17. these answers are all correct if you asked me. My husband is still having his affair and trying to decide if he will move out and live alone or stay in the marriage and work on rebuilding it. He has been trying to decide for two months now. How long should I expect this decision to take? I am certain this is a mid life turning 50 crisis and that it will pass eventually. He has turned into a selfish cold liar. He was a generous warm affectionate friend. I am giving him time to come to his senses but it is so hard not to push. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
    I am not going to settle for the old marriage . I want a new one with open communication and caring between two committed people. I agree that my actions each day for the past 19 years added to his unhappiness. I made all the decisions and controlled alot but he never said he was not happy or even said no to any of the things I wanted to do. He is to blame by not being brave enough to stick up for himself. He pretended to be easy going and happy but he was really resentful and bitter. Now he is in a relationship with a woman from work who is much younger who is just really a friend turned into a lover. They are just joking around and having a good old time. Nothing deep there but he is running away from the big 5-0 by having this affair with her. He is convinced is he in love with her yet they are all about superficial and shallow things. Nothing deep there at all. He has told me he has not thought of the future with her. Just the present. Can anyone give me any help here? I am stepping back and giving him space to figure this out. And giving myself space to figure it out too.

  18. My husband and I have been separated for 15 months because of his alcohol/substance abuse which has been going on for 23 years of our marriage and who knows how long prior to that. He was asked to leave to get his act together (maintain sobriety and get a job that would help pay the bills).He was asked and complied to moved out of the house because we could not longer take the constant drinking/verbal abuse/emotional abuse, etc. Two weeks ago, he called and informed me that a “nice lady” whom he had met having coffee at a bar began a conversation and he explained our situation and she invited him for dinner and a movie. He said they hugged, kissed and made out, but no sex YET! The sad part is that I don’t really want him back and after all I have been through for him and with him, for him to actually have an affair really irks me. I can’t let it go that he is totally unwilling to change for his family who has been there for him and I guess that if she is willing to put up with him and his daliences, then she can have him! But it still hurts that he is cheating on me and then calls me to brag about it. Maybe because he wants me to “see” that another woman finds him attractive. I ask myself, what does she look like, does she smoke (a habit he abhored in women previously), is she willing to “financially support” him? I guess it doesn’t really matter. Maybe it is still too new for me, and it will get easier with time to accept and I need to find ways, activities, etc to help myself move on. I am seeking the advice of a lawyer for a possible divorce. Thank you all for being there. Just writing it out, makes it a little easier to accept.

  19. Lesley,

    My husband is still having his affair after 7+ months living with her. He has been having the affair for close to a year now. I’ve given the space…..although I told him to move out when he couldn’t stop seeing her in the first two weeks. Now they live together in a house he rents…so I’m paying for it in soooo many ways. But he does not want a divorce and is in therapy and still gets closer to understanding what is going on for him. He says he is seriously considering making our marriage work if I am willing.

    I ask myself all the same questions. The only thing is that I’ve given myself the time (or was forced to take the time) to find out who I am, how I really feel, and what I really want.

    The answers are that I am a giving, loving person who is strong and enjoys life…..and spending time with those I love.

    I feel very hurt (understatement) and very unheard. All of that leads to anger and resentment at times, but I am trying to work with it all so that I don’t stay in those secondary emotions. Only this week have I finally felt heard.

    What I want is someone who cares for me deeply. Loves me enough to hear me. And wants to share my life with me.

    Here is the kicker…….my husband was all of those things for most of our 20 years. I was just as much at fault for ruining that. However, I wanted to find out what was wrong and work on it before the affair happened. He never recognized that anything was wrong and consequently happening.

    So now he lives with someone almost 20 years younger where they have nothing but ‘fun’ in common. He would say otherwise, but just this week is beginning to really see that this is true. I am moving on by gaining more strength for me.

    His time is shorter than ever now. So I don’t know the answer to the ‘end’ question. Only that in the process, if we take care of ourselves (an incredibly difficult task under the circumstances) we will be OK no matter what is in the ‘end’.

    Do what feels right for you in your deepest soul….if you can find it through this mess. And it will never be the wrong answer.

  20. The answer to the question is that you will know when the time is right to let go and you will just know it when it happens. I know that I haven’t gotten to that point yet as I am still seeing my husband that was cheating on me for 3 1/2 years. We were together for 10 years before marrying. It will be four years in August ’07. He said he loved me when he married me even though he had been having an affair for 6 months. I threw him out July 6th, ’06 when he finally admitted to the affair that I was sure had been going for at least the past year. He moved in with her, didn’t like it there, I found him an apartment, which he moved into and is still there. He would be with me for a month then with her for a month for the last 9 months. She finally told him to get lost because he wasn’t having his cake and eat it too. He admitted to me that he loves her. He says he loves me too. Since she dumped him a month ago he continues to see me. I really don’t know what to do at this stage. I think he loves her but she is wild and likes to drink and have fun. He just got a DUI, while out with her and can’t afford to get another one. While seeing her he let his business go downhill and now is going bankrupt.I guess I just keep holding on thinking maybe he will get his head straight and realize what he has with me. I am waiting for my head and heart to realize the answer to the Question then I think I will know that I am done with him.

  21. Cookie,

    Reading your comment makes me wonder what keeps us holding on. I think it is so hard to believe that someone we love can act as such and be ‘normal’. Therefore we hold some sort of eternal hope that if we hold on long enough they will become ‘normal’. I also think that part of the problem is us. Whatever allows this to happen, we hold a role in it, like it or not.

    I am horrible at game playing, so it makes it particularly hard to constantly assess how I truly feel and act accordingly. It gets exhausting. But it is also strengthening. I know he can feel the change in me and is working harder for me not to let go forever. So it is even more difficult for me to stay on track at times. But it is crucial for me and I know it. So I forge on hoping and knowing that I will come to the inevitable conclusion soon.

    Is it possible for him to be one of those who ‘wakes up’? Yes. But as time goes on it seems the odds are really not in our favor. Most importantly, I need to ‘wake up’. I’m getting there. I pray for all of us to get there. And I’ve never really been one for praying before now.

  22. The question is.. Why am I putting up with this crap? After going through this for a year and a half there seems to be so many reasons.. Love, the kids, house, comfort of familiarity, embarrassment, they will change, it’s just a phase and on and on. But in the end if there isn’t mutual trust and emotional intimacy nothing really changes and it’s a roller coaster ride with that sick feeling in your stomach. But, I still hope, love will triumph.

  23. Why do we put up with the crap? “Because we love them and they keep giving us hope”. My husband loves both the OW and me but I know in my heart if she was different he would be with her. He said that she wants kids but he said if he had children with her he would end up paying child support for the next 20 years. He knows that it won’t work with her as he admits that she is a physco, a drunk, and has tons of issues with her own life. She was molested by her father and had bad relationships. She bought a house that is a money pit and just had to go bankrupt. In fact she couldn’t pay her attorney so he paid him $500.00, when my husband has no money and almost lost his business over taking time and money to fix up her house!!!! The week before that I had taken him food shopping and spent $200.00 on him. I also help him fix up his apartment. What a dummy I am!!!! What is wrong with me??? I now refuse to give him a dime but gave him my electric bill to pay along with all the other bills he pays for me. Why do I love a looser?? I wish my heart would get the message that he is no good for me. How long does it take to give up and go on? I try to not answer the phone when he calls but can’t control myself and half the time I turn my phone off so he won’t call me or I don’t want to know if he didn’t call. Billyd why have you put up with this for a year and half? I am going on 9 months. When am I going to see the LIGHT?

  24. Sue,
    You say that your husband is living with the OW but tells you he doesn’t want a divorce? What is it that he wants? My husband says he doesn’t want a divorce either! He says he is afraid that he is making a mistake at what he is doing. If he goes a couple days without talking to me he misses me and can’t go a week without seeing me!!! Do you think that if he finally realizes that she isn’t the one for him that then he will want me? Maybe by that time we won’t want either one of them. Payers to you and all of us that are going through hell! I truly believe that this is hell on earth and we just have to go through all this to get to our rewards and live in paradise with our Lord, while our husbands will be paying for all the pain they caused us and their sins. “Thy shall not covet thy neighbors wife”
    Sometimes I just wish that I could die and not have to go through with this one more day.

  25. Prayers to you all (not payers) Sometimes I get so upset when I am typing about my life and everyone elses that I make mistakes. Sorry, but you probably knew what I meant. This really does releive some of the tension just writing about my life even though it is only a brief relief!!

  26. The question is anything that you find in your heart that needs to be answered to move on and truly be happy! I have so many of them that I am clueless as to where to begin! Well, actually I do know where to begin, its just getting my H to be able to cooperate with me and answer the questions I need answered. Thats the tough part! He thinks that it shouldn’t have to be discussed. That it should be swept under the rug and forgotten! How do I get him to see things in the proper prospective? One can forgive, but it is never forgotten!

  27. I wish I knew the question. I have been divorced for 6 months now. I still can’t get my mind around the awful betrayal. This was my second divorce. OW were involved both times. After two times i have to ask what is wrong with me, my judgement, the type of person that I attract, the things I tolerate/think are “normal”. Or is not me= Am I living on the right planet????

  28. i dunno how to go about this. my husband of 7 years is having an affair with an 18-yr old, 15 years his junior. he says he loves her and doesn’t want to let go. yet, he says he doesn’t want to let go of me too. the ironic thing about this is now, we are talking much better than before. we had the wrongest reason to get married, i was pregnant and he was pressured by my mom to marry me. i dunno what to do anymore. one moment i want to go, the other, i’m being clingy and needy. I hate myself when that happens. btw, we have 3 children. i just gave birth a couple of months ago. i’ve been asking a lot of questions, all of them i dunno which is te right answer. i love him but i’m really deeply hurt that i just want to quit and let go. i should love myself also, i guess. please help me, anyone? i really dunno the right answers to heal…please help me.

  29. Laure Dykas says

    One question I have been asking myself over and over: “Why me?” Obviously, I did a few things in my marriage that probably pushed his buttons to think about leaving me for this girl, but ultimately it is his choice and his mistake. He could have chosen to stay faithful and to seek help with counseling if I was emotionally burdening him as he says. I accept what I have done wrong, but he must accept responsibility for his bad choices.

  30. Bob Docherty says

    I’m divorcing my wife at her bequest (quicker) My wife is a beautiful person, she was a caring, highly intelligent, affectionate (although gullible at times)individual. She is currently having a two-days a week (always Tuesdays and Fridays) affair with her lover from the ex-marital home which is now sold, and has been having this part-time affair, regardless of the children, for over a year now. But the two days a week thing baffles me. She won’t move in with him (financially the better option) although he has begged her to. She has now decided to move into a flat in the same area as me and the three children (she say’s to be close to the kids)I have been using Dr Bob’s “Falling out of Love and Falling in Love” – coupled with “I can’t say no” formula. I keep my distance and do my own thing. When we meet during access I am pleasant and helpful. I don’t argue and leave her to her own devices. I charge neutral and use the “catch phrases” which do make her think. But she seems to answer them nonchalantly. Nothing seems to phase her. Our Decree Nisi is due around August 1st. I know she is riddled with guilt as she won’t visit her own family who are deeply religious. I am totally lost here. I’ve told her I will never ask her to come back. Was this wrong?

    What is the question? Who is in control here?
    What is the answer? Difficult to say, but her I expect.

    What now Dr. Bob???

  31. Bob Docherty says

    In the 1 year and 3 months since my wife began her affair, two of my sisters-in-law and a close friend have died, I have had an eye operation, and I am currently losing my best friend to cancer. I’ve been to hell and back. Through all of this my wife has shown me and my family very little regard. She has given up all responsibility for the children and is this 41 year old “teenager”.

    Her and these events apart, on further scrutiny of myself, our marriage and my future happiness, I suppose I want to ask the question…Is she really worth it? The answer is a resounding yes. Because I do love my wife (although I never tell her this)

    It took two to make our marriage and two to divorce from it. So firstly I needed to address my gambling problem. I have done this and feel brilliant about myself, as it was a seriously difficult thing to do, not only to change but to admit to myself and others that I was an addict.

    With regards to the situation I now find myself in, I feel I need to treat her with total (happy) indifference. I need to show her that I am strong and not dependent on her (unlike her lover) I need to be in my “conscious” state and unemotional when I see her during access.

    I have very recently signed up to a dating agency and hope to find someone soon that I can share my life with, because this I believe this is the level of indifference I need to achieve.

    I apologise for waffling on like this but it’s good to open up with one’s thoughts sometimes.

    All the very best to all of you in your quest for happiness; I think I can find mine.

    Thanks Bob and also to a lady called Katie Zaltman for Chapter 16 of her book. Both of you have been an invaluable source of information and, although you probably don’t know or realise it, you both are living angels here on Earth

  32. Seems that people are still responding to this blog. I haven’t checked in in almost 2 months. Things continue to improve for me. I’ve found my way for myself and my husband has continued to find his. We communicate better than ever and know we love each other deeply. He is still living with the op, but that is coming to an end. I am allowing the time for it to end on its own terms……that is the only way we can move on. I believe that if I force it I will pay for it later. An ending I need to live through before jumping to the next step.

    Bob, part of my healing was in saying how I felt without regard for how he would react. You say you ‘would never tell her’. It seems to me that maybe you should…..but without expectations. Move on for you. If you continue to hold your feelings to such a controled level they will kill you in the end. I am quite sure you deserve better than that……everyone does.

    My story seems to be what we hope for in the end, but I have to say that it isn’t over and the part that makes the most sense is whatever involves us living for ourselves and using our true ‘voice’. It is incredibly difficult. I’ve layered that with expectations coming from prior interactions and hurt. But when I let go of that…moment by moment mind you……thing did not always turn out as I had thought…..and mostly for the better. The shift to me has been the key for me. If we hadn’t rebuilt our relationship the way it is happening I would still be so much happier for me and the kids would be OK just because they are living with a mom who is no longer fighting to control life and who gives herself the respect she deserves.

    End line is that we all need to take the time to cry, scream, and yell…..go through the pain. By ourselves. And treat ourselves with tender loving care. We deserve it.

  33. Bob Docherty says

    I’m sorry Sue but I think you are just deluding yourself. He needs to end it – immediately – without question; absolutely, and he needs to prove it and be transparent!!!….I’m sorry if this hurts you….but you are being far too soft. Even if you are communicating better, surely you also have a current life to live. I’ve read with interest your story so far, and you seem to be “hanging in” there when you should be “hanging out” there. How long do you think this will go on…until he gets fed up with her? When will that be?

    Bob’s right, keep your feelings to yourself and be supremely unemotional in front of him. Let him guess what you’re doing…be mysterious and elusive. You are mysterious aren’t you???

    My pain is now my gain. I am so confident and looking forward to some cracking good years ahead…can you say the same right now?

    Bob.

  34. Bob Docherty says

    Sue,

    I apologise, I think I may have been a wee bit harsh on you, I’m a Scotsman you see. All brawn and no brains.

    I think the Question should be: Who has the power?

    My wife is powerless. She is powerless to her own emotions, because her emotions dictate her actions. But she probably doesn’t realise it. This is a fact. But I am now the one in control and with all the power. I will now dictate future events between us as I see fit. Not like a control freak, but from within me. I will treat my wife with total indifference but still be happy. How? By empowering myself. The creation of power is in my thoughts. Negative thoughts breed negative actions hence, negative results…right? So what should we do? Maybe create some positive thoughts. They in turn may kick start positive actions hence delivering positive results…I suppose it’s a bit like charging neutral. I really felt powerful when I did that. It felt really good to suppress my fear and anxiety, and replace it with a calm, soothing, well constructed conversation. I felt in control. I was almost tempted to ask her to lie on the couch and tell me all her problems (Sorry Bob)

    So, I have suddenly realised that my wife is currently powerless to her own emotions (for which I have sincere empathy) I also realise she won’t want to hurt the OP when she leaves him. So I may need to wait until the time is right for her too. But now I have all the strength and I have all the power. I had her in the palm of my hand all along and I didn’t even know it. As you quite rightly indicate, time is the only killer, but we must be patient.

    But, when she decides to come back (and she will) I won’t start crying and welcome her back with open arms. No. I’ll calmly tell her I need time to think about it, and I’ll take my own sweet time about it too. How do I know she’ll come back? Power is a massive attraction…..you see? Maybe this is the answer.

    Happy empowering. You’ll get there, I’m sure.

    Bob

  35. Bob is right Sue – if he loves you deeply as you say, he should end it. He is being highly unfair to you and your feelings and incredibly selfish. He needs to end it in a way that shows you that he loves you. Please take care of yourself in this. You deserve far more than a mere piece of someone.

    What I want for me is for someone that I can be honest with and don’t have to hide my feelings from and someone to be honest with me. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but for some reason we all think that we don’t deserve it or it is unrealistic, which is sad!

  36. Oh yeah – forgot to post the million dollar question. I believe that it goes something like this: How can I move through this and find out the following:
    – What my part in it was?
    – What past experiences and unresolved issues brought me here?
    – What I need to do to heal and change so this will never happen again with either the person that had the affair or another person that I choose to have a relationship with?

    So ultimately – What was my part in it so I can resolve that for me and find a deeper more intimate relationship in the future?

  37. Hi from Europe. My wife had an affair ten years ago and I was in the same jam as the most of you now. I was living in a horror movie for a few months. Also, did almost all the things from the ?no to do? list. Felt scared, helpless, angry, jealous, confused, betrayed.. all at the same time. I am pretty strong person and could put a lot of pressure on her, so it ended.
    Later I realized a few things: 1. What she does has nothing to do with me. It’s her life, her choices and decisions.
    2. The only thing I can do is get into control of my life, which btw. has nothing with her but some parallelism in time

    Last week I got her in a lie (small stupidity) and the alarm light turned on. Old emotional pattern, I hoped was behind me, appeared again. I started to search different web sites for the answers. Thx to dr. Bob I have found this blog and here it is, both, my question and the answer:
    q: Wtf am I doing to my self?
    a: F her!

  38. I bought my tracking gps at http://www.gpsspousetracking.com
    Theirs didn’t have any monthly fees and it just plugs into my usb port to retrieve information on where the vehicle traveled, stopped, for how long. etc.

    Best regards and good luck,

    jay

  39. I’ve been married for 13 years with two young daughters. I recently saw changes in my husband’s behavior. He started going out more after work, constantly texting on his cell phone. When his cell would ring he would jump to get it. He kept telling me it was a co-worker and it had to do with work. I questioned him about cheating, but he denied it. I needed answers and hard proof that my gut feelings were true and I wasn’t making it up. I ended up hiring AllState Investigations, which is a private detective agency. Well, to make a long story short, they caught him with another woman in a romantic relationship. Now I have pictures, video and a detailed report of everything that happened. To see his face drop was PRICELESS!!! It was such a good feeling to have physical evidence in my hands that he could NOT deny. Check out their website http://www.94truth.com

Speak Your Mind