Infidelity: Depression is Only A Part of the Journey

May 23, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Being “depressed” – seemingly unable to function and closing off from the world is a common response to the discovery of infidelity in a marriage.

Often “depression” is given a very toxic and negative label. However, being “depressed” if used properly can be a springboard to new patterns and perceptions.

Read what this person says:

I used to focus on what mood is he in, is he going to talk to me today, is he going to look/act like he’d rather be anywhere else with anyone else other than me. This habit/pattern is hard to break, but I’m working on it. I was so hurt and rejected that sometimes in my depression that I didn’t leave the house for days. All this in an attempt to figure out how to be okay with my life and how lonely I was. This was his excuse for his affair (“if you thought it was bad being that way, you have no idea how hard it is to live with a person like that” – thoughtful words from him after I learned of his affair). I’ve been figuring out “what makes me happy” as friends refer to it, but that seems selfish and that’s just not me. I’m learning how much living like that has affected the simplist of things – mood, attitude, communication and my relationship with our 13 yr old daughter. I wrestled with deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage and even though we’re still living together, I was non-committal and that hasn’t helped things much. But lately, I’ve been getting more clarification. I still don’t have all the answers as for our marriage, but I do know that I’m doing what I’m called to do right now. He has been making changes although I’ve been frustrated that they’re not the ones I think he should be doing. I realized that he’s trying and doing the best he can and I’ve not acknowledged the changes that he has made and that tears down the very thing that I said that I wanted. Regardless of where this leads, I’m ready to move forward with my life. He has an opportunity to rise higher in his life and our relationship and if he’s unable, I can accept that, but I know with all my heart that I need more than that and I love him enough to let him go. Otherwise, it’ll continue to tear us down as individuals and as a couple. That to me would be unforgivable – to intentionally choose that. I’ve finally forgiven him and I’m excited to be able to share that with him when I see him (he’s working 4 hrs away for a couple of weeks). I believe it’s a gift that both of us need and it’s necessary for healing regardless of whether we stay together or not. In addition to asking him to forgive me for where I fell short in our relationship, I’ve finally forgiven myself. The reality is that he made some wrong decision(s), but as painful as all of this has been (this was his second affair), I’m grateful for the opportunities that it’s opened in my heart. There’s great power in “pressing on” and getting through. I’ll even go as far as to say that I’m starting to determine my call and purpose in life. I don’t have the specifics yet, but I know that my past experiences were not given to me just to keep them inside and hide them away (survival of growing up in physical, emotional and verbal abuse, death of my child at age 7, two abusive ex husbands, battling depression, etc). I believe they can help others too. I’ve always believed that, I just lost sight of it. I’m excited to see how all of this unfolds. Well, I know you didn’t ask for a book, but I’ve never been one short on words. Thanks for letting me share.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , , ,

Out of the Victim Role with the Confrontation

March 30, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The discovery of infidelity often sends the wounded spouse into a tailspin thinking and believing s/he is a victim. And, beyond that, s/he often has a fantasy life of them having this perfect, hot, wonderfully romantic relationship. This exacerbates the victim beliefs.

Carrying these beliefs leads to what some people call depression. The fantasies grind and exist as an obsession about him/her and the other person. No release exists for the thoughts. They are internalized and demand energy.

The person below found that confronting the other woman lifted her “depression.” The confrontation served two purposes: 1. It externalized the energy; she felt emotional relief – the depression lifted. 2. The fantasies about the other person are derailed. Often putting a voice or picture to the person injects some reality and the obsessions of perfection and power cool.

Here is what she says:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I confronted the OP because my obsession with her was really out of control. When I spoke to her, I released a lot of negative feelings which were weighing me down to be honest.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The outcome of the phone call I made, was that once I had spoken to her, and released a lot of negative feelings, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the obsession ceased, and I have never felt the desire to speak to her again. While I was advised by many not to make the phone call, I am glad I did. It was a turning point for me, I could let go of the unhealthy obsession I had with her. That is not to say, that I don’t still have thoughts about her at all.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t think I would do it differently, the call I made served a purpose for me, and I was able to channel my thoughts away from her, and back to where it should be, at my marriage. I do not feel that I empowered her, although I realise some may argue this point.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,