Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.
So…there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.
“Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?”
Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:
1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.
2. You find yourself surprised. “Hmmmm, this hasn’t happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!”
3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.
4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.
5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.
6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.
7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!
8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.
9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.
10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.
11. Words such as: “I promise. I’ll try. Or, I’m going to…” are NOT in his/her vocabulary.
12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.
13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world.
14. There is good eye contact.
15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.
16. You worry much less about what will happen next.
Well, let’s see. After my husband said he was leaving me for another during other assorted crisis, he declared he had seen the light. He proceeded to take care of me, the kids, his job, the house, etc. Gradually, he earned the return of my trust and love. He exhibited all the signs above except for maybe 2. Then the bomb dropped again a year later almost to the day. How can someone be so deceitful and so good at it after 20 years? Ladies and gents, be careful! Keep your eyes open. Don’t trust easily. The advice above is good and true. But I was fooled. Trust your instincts and continue to be suspcious.
Well my husband was away for 5 months for work. He called home most days and gave me no reason to suspect a thing until I checked his messages on his cell phone. Turns out he had a girlfriend within the first month of being away. After that he oh so badly wanted to work things out at home. He started seeing a therapist and is more interested in the kids and us. He is showing the signs as above. Will it be enough? I will try for a bit but I refuse to constantly worry
about it happening again. Life is too short. I will move on and start fresh with someone who deserves me if I can’t be completely happy.
Hi everybody,
I think we’ve worn out the won’t stop seeing the other person blog. 80 plus comments. I think the Doc can write a whole book just about that topic.
Who are we fooling. After months and years of being lied to we will never really know if they are being truthful. I suggest that you all set up a series of milestones so to speak that have to be met in sequence for forward movement. That way you can constantly without effort check your progress and feel more in control.
For me the first step is a no nonsense drop the guy like a rock ending to the relationship of which I will have complete disclosure of. I don’t wan’t her to be able to apologize or lie to him anymore either.
This would come in the form of a phone call that I can hear or a hand written letter that I will read and snail mail myself saying I am with my husband now and always, don’t contact me anymore.
If she won’t do that then there won’t be a step 2 and so forth. Don’t put anything from your hearts back in blindly. Make them work for every beat and if they do the work then you will feel more powerful and confident in your decision to try. If they don’t then whats the point?
My next step is going to be disclosure. Phones, bills, contacts etc. My wife is very independant so this will be uncomfortable but oh well. She has had comlete trust and freedom of expression for 13 years and she screwed that up not me. This would not be permenant but is necessary until I feel comfortable not her.
My wedding ring will not go back on until these two first steps are made and I’ll come up with the next steps as I go but I’m not giving anything until my needs are met one by one. I’m not holding my breath.
I cried, I still cry. I screamed, I begged and I sacrificed so much of my didgnity over a hurt and humiliation I did not cause.
That has ended. If my marriage is over as a result then so be it. If she doesn’t do these things and the greatest dream I have ever had in my life that was her is gone because I choose to take pride in myself and walk with dignity, then no matter how much it hurts, we all know letting it go was the right thing to do.
Set up your steps. Make them known. Watch, listen and yes spy if you have to. As your steps and needs are met this will be less and less frequent. People not in this situation climb on their soap boxes and say things like, if you have to spy why stay and how stupid we are for not just leaving.
Well I say to them, your strength or ignorance is your weakness because until you love someone so completely that you would forgive them for the worst of indescretions, you haven’t really lived or learned what family and love mean.
We will give up and move on not out of desire to do so but out of necessity when the time is right for us. We will carry with us the love and capicity to love in our hearts and go on when the time is right for us, to experience life far beyond anything you will ever know.
Be strong everyone. Happiness is in your futures. One day at a time you will all get there.
Evan
Yes, I agree with the previous comment, set up steps for your own milestones.
It’s amazing how the Doc’s 16 signs are evidence of my dearest boyfriend. It’s alsmost like the Doc really knows him.
Frightening. I am very content and sometimes I catch myself and wonder, if I’m being played again, but then I simply remember that I value my life and happiness more today than I did when I was spying and crying and worrying about what he was doing with the OP.
So, the key is to live in the moment with his changed behaviour. And never ever forget to take yourself seriously first, take care of your needs first.
Think about who you would be if you didn’t have your story about being “cheated on!” You would be you doing what you always did, and you would be the object of your love for you.
I look at my boyfriend now and see that all this time it was really his issue, not mine, and frankly, I like him as a person and forgive him and don’t really want to hold onto my story about how he cheated on me..blah blah, but I will never ever forget and I will always take my heart and nurture it, so that I can give love to him today, and not give a crap if he’s not for real. Cuz it’ll come from a place where I’ve chosen to give myself, and not be taken for granted.
I truely believe in these blogs, they are extremely insightlful and I only wish I had had access to it two years ago when I was freaking out, and doing everything wrong. However, the past is now past and as I’ve grown through the issue of the OP I will continue to seek my own dreams and make myself happy. Stay positive, you will make it!
Evan, did you ever consider being a writer?
Bravo Evan! You said it better than I could have every said it. Each milestone will be different, some will take longer to get to, but you need to set them. I know today that if I have to walk, I will walk with diginity and grace, because I did everything I could do to love, forgive,assist, and repsect my spouse and he just may chose differently. It will be a very dark day to finish a 20 year marriage and 6 year engagement, but if it comes to that I will for my happiness as I will not let him take that from me. Right now I believe he is on the right path to seeing thru the cloudy waters he put into our relationship, baby steps are better than no steps, so I’ll give him that. Hopefully each milestone reached will also allow me to regain some trust. Got to go bake a pie….Happy Thanksgiving!
I was the one cheated on. Its now history but I will never forget, nor could I.
Words are words but what is important is to change the future so as closeness we have now does not go.
Its early days 15 mths , but I am reassured all contact stopped and , I know she despises him now ,her knight was just a girlish dream ,a married man looking for a bit on the side , a sleaze.
There will always be 1-2% waryness on my part ,I will be vigilant at the same time thoughtful and attentive ; but once bitten there will be no second chances .
I have not forgiven ,forgiveness implies acceptance , but I understand what caused it and am treating the symptoms.
23 Yaer marraige,3 years with OP, 3 years divorced, still tring! I have found the more I do for me, and have take way less interest in what he is doing with OP the more things have changed. This time the stones are set in the sand and they are not moving, my needs get meet, thats just how it has to be.
i have read alot of blogs and find it amazing how many people in life are going through this and how many people find it harder to move on that to stay. Either is hard, I sometimes think staying is like punishing yourself. Hats off to Evan for standing up for himself, yes that was a great display of writings. There was only one thing left out at the end of your message when you spoke of peoples strength and ignorance being peoples weakness. If you read all the blogs most of these people have tried to stay and are willing to forgive but it is their partner who cannot committ to it not them. Forgiving indiscretions is one thing unfortunately the part you left out is that most of our partners dont live by those rules so its kindof a one sided sword comment. If only our partners were willing to do the same as you suggest we do and not months and months down the road when things dont work out for them. There is a line they cross in that they have already not committed themselves by doing what they have done and when there mistake is realized they often dont change it either out of their devotion to the marriage, their devotion only comes when things dont work out with the OP. so really we are settling for second. Our partners were not thinking of their committment to the marriage when they spread their legs for someone else at our expense and for us to give complete devotion and forgiveness to that would be doing a diservice to ourselves.
To Margie you have alot of love to give so start giving it to someone who really deserves it please , 3yrs OP, 3yrs divorced. Its time , he doesnt deserve this complete love you must have so give it to someone who WILL give it back , Our lives are not the be all end all of being with them. This world is full of wonderful people and I would bet there are alot of them out there who are just as compatible and that you could feel the same way about or yes even better because you will take more valuable things into your next relationship so chances are that the next one will be better not the last one.
Take a chance thats what life is all about.
Oh and AL
you are so right forgiveness is acceptance. There are alot of things in life that we need to forgive , according to God we must forgive and that is true, for its then we can find salvation, but God also wrote that adultery as part of the ten commandments so for most reasons we must forgive yes but some are really a crime.
Its like shooting someone and thinking we can say we are sorry and the law will forgive us, It doesnt it makes us pay for what we have done wrong. Depends on the crime, such as flirtin outside the marraige is to stealing a car, lying to your apouse is to armed robbery, and adultery is to murder, struggling in a relationship is to drunk driving at least it can be cured. You definately on the right track so stay on it. There are alot of tracks so choose one , there are alot of good ones out there. Ha Ha like a house why have a junky one if we can have a brand new one .Sounds smart to me
To dw,
Lets talk about forgiveness for a minute. I know this is much easier said then done but in reality it’s the only way to let go of such tumultuous of indescretions. We have the power of forgiveness in side of each of us and in so doing doom our cheating spouses with a lifetime of ignoring their wrongs because of the inability to ever really forgive themselves.
In the long run, it’s not even really a question of whether they deserve to be forgiven. You’re not forgiving them for their own good. You’re doing it for your own good. For your own health and well-being, forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient and effective option. It frees you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge.
Don’t let these people exist without payment in your minds. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it time and time again in your mind? It’s not worth it and it takes heart effort to stop it. To forgive you are not helping them, you are helping yourself. It’s one thing you can be totally selfish about. You can hold yourself and your capacity for forgiveness up high knowing that you are a better person than they are.
Take it slowly. The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. We think we’re protecting ourselves by not forgiving. Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself.
Forgiveness means that you’ve decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it you only think of it sometimes. Forgiveness is a powerful yet challenging tool that will support and honor you, not them, even in the most extreme circumstances. Your forgiveness empowers you to move forward and not live in the past.
The self damage that results from holding onto resentments and unforgiving attitudes keeps you from being aligned with your true self. It can block you from your next level of quality life experience.
Metaphorically, it’s the curtain standing between the room you’re living in now and a new room, much larger and full of beautiful objects. The act of forgiveness removes the curtain. Clearing up your old accounts can free up so much energy that you jump right into a whole new house.
Forgiving releases you from the punishment of a self-made prison where you are both the inmate and the jailer.
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
I’ve learned that when you have an argument with your spouse, the first one who says, ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings; please forgive me,’ is the winner.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
To err is human; to forgive, divine.
I have borrowed some of these proverbs of course but they all say the same thing. To forgive is the only way to truly let go. We will always remember but through forgiveness we will find the power to live free of guilt or remorse.
Some of us still have hope for reconcilliation. If acquired how can our current lives be filled with happiness if we are holding onto grudges. If not aquired. Why would we want to damage or take away from our new lives and loves by holding a grudge from the past so close to our hearts.
I don’t know if you know God or not, but if you do or decide to get to know him, you will understand. Forgiveness is not weakness but one of the greatest strengths any of us possesses.
I’m not saying blindly jump back into these realationships. I’m saying they are doomed to failure and pain if you don’t allow yourself to let go of this anger. I’m saying your new relationships will be effected as well.
Evan
To Everyone,
Is anyone into politcs? I would really like to know why adultery is not illegal federally if not in state law. I know some states have minor laws but I think this is a pretty big issue don’t any of you.
I tell you what, the next person running who says adultery should be illegal and grounds to take everything in a marriage will get my vote.
Most of our laws are based on the ten commandments. Why did number seven get overlooked?
Evan
Evan,
I don’t mean to make light of your last comment, but a lot of our politicians don’t set a very good example do they? They’ll be the first offenders. I do agree with you though. It seems funny that a person has to get a marriage license from the state, so why a license if there isn’t any rules that go with it. It’s a crime to hit on a client if your an atty, why shouldn’t it be if you’re a husband or a wife. Seems logical!
This weekend I finally finished a book I think everyone should read: Men, Women and Relationships, Making Peace with the Opposite Sex written by John Gray, Ph.D. I used a whole four pack of sticky tabs to mark areas I want to understand better and that were similiar to the communications I’ve been having with my spouse. The last chapter has you write a Feeling Letter, I haven’t done that yet, but I started it in my head and I can see where it will be very beneficial in a healing process I still obviously need. Check it out, the worst thing that could happen is you actually understand why your spouse’s words are what they are and you’ll be able to respond far better than you ever have.
To Evan
You are so right, that is why I said I forgave myself in my comment. I had to do it to free myself, my partner just never asked for it nor did they even want it really, nor were they the least bit sorry. Sometimes this does happen where there are extreme circumstances and a person can only resolve it within
themselves if the other person is not a participant. I totally agree with what you said. I just meant some were really more of a crime than others which directly affects the whole process. Sounds like you have a handle on it all and things should work
out great for you. Surely with such an optomistic attitude your wife will come running back with open arms.
As I sit here and read all of the blogs, I am so thankful to find that I am indeed not the only one suffering so intensley. I know that if this intense seeting continues, my health will be affected. My story is not that different from the others except, as I write this to you at @ 3am – he is with the op. Its been happenening for @ 3 years now and I am so tired. I have truly been through it all with this and have even begged him to just leave me alone. I have refused to leave our home where I raise our child 100% of the time. He has chosen to see the op every other nite. Yes, it is indeed a great source of pain and frustration for me. I have a very fulfilling career, however, this intense emotional roller coaster has taken so much energy from me. I have come to realize that I may have to leave him / my house one day soon. I don’t want to — just want him to stay away——-but, he won’t. I dont want to involve the police. We used to have a strong communication line going, now its very strained and most often times an argument. A few family members and close friend know about some of it — but not all of it. The drama is too intense. Reading these blogs though have helped me begin to get a handle and attempt to move forward — without him. I am going to demand a divorce from him this week. I can’t bear his upcoming birthday & holiday under this strain.
Pray for me.
It’s hard to understand the ebbs and flows of relationships. All of the information provided has been so helpful. Keep the focus on yourself and your behaviors. I don’t ever want to know the details of any extra-marital affair, physical or emotional. I could not erase it. Understanding why a spouse would need someone else to fulfill something that is empty within them was helpful information. Not only was I able to turn the focus back on my own life, I became empathetic with some of my spouse’s deep routed issues and realized that I had nothing to do with them. Through the use of the specific language usage, I was able to express this concern for him and his life, reach out to him to let him know that I was still here, but wouldn’t be playing the martyr roll any longer. I have my own life to fulfill. He’s back and our relationship is back. I’m sure there will be other times when he struggles, as will I with my own issues. Sometimes I think we can be suaves to our spouses past emotional injuries. And in other circumstances, we have to let them go.
Hi everyone,
I’m just wondering how many of us have taken the time to go see an attorney to find out what our rights really are? That suggestion was made to me by my counselor, not to jump on the band wagon to getting divorced, but to get the advise I may need involving “my rights”. I haven’t taken the advise and I’m just wondering if I shouldn’t to make sure I know what options I have in a divorce involving infidelity, physical or emotional. What I’m saying is maybe I’d feel stronger knowing: Can I force him to move out, what portion of the bills am I obligated to full fill, what obligations does he have to support his children financially, etc.? On the otherhand, maybe I’d feel worst, what do you all think???? I’d would think there should be some value in being the “cheated on” person versus the person doing the cheating, but maybe I’m just naive and should take the advise given to me and find out what I may be up against if I have to draw the line in the sand. The advice is free for the first visit…so should we get the information or not?
I meant salve instead of suave in the above.
Dee,
Some states do not even have infidelity as a reason for divorce. Information about divorce in your state can be found through various websites and even on legal state by state websites.
Ya know…I thought I had the most wonderful marriage to a man that was my best friend and lover. We were friends for 9 years prior to our getting together. I thought I knew him pretty well. I knew his history for sure. I stood by him when he went through some serious trials that could’ve put him behind bars for years. He was innocent. We had alot of financial and emotional strain on us for over two years but I loved him and stood there by his side through it all. I got pregnant shortly this whole ordeal ended with our 2nd daughter. He started to grow very cold towards me after her birth. Told me I was a mother and he wasn’t attracted to me. He left me for another woman right before her 2nd birthday. I was devastated but numb because of all the hatred for the two years prior to his leaving me. I honestly thought he was going through depression and that was the reason for his meanness and coldness. Boy was I wrong.
At that time, we had two months left on our lease. He moved in with OP and left me without a job, very little money, two babies to feed. He never called to check on the babies and he fought me for every nickel (which wasn’t much). Our divorce was final a year later and he ended up marrying the OP and they had a little girl. BTW, she had a 7 year old son as well when he left me for her.
It’s been four years and I am finally in my final stage of grieving. I knew I would never let him back into my life but I had to grieve the loss of something I gave my whole heart to. It was so painful but I have forgiven him. I say that because I am free to live my life now. He can’t even look at me when our children go to his house. He hardly even plays with them and my eldest daughter (now 8) told me the other day that she doesn’t believe her daddy loves her. How sad. He’s so guilt ridden he can’t even bear to acknowledge his own children.
Most of the time, his new wife answers the door or the phone. Recently, he answered the door when I went to pick up the kids and he looked at me with a sadness in his eyes. What do you think that was? Looked like regret but I’m not sure. He probably realizes he screwed up royally and now he can’t do anything about it. I hate that my babies have to go there.
Broke up with my x after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids – 1 with a terminal illness. This time it was an affair with his best friends wife – it wasn’t the first but I decided it was the last time he was going to hurt me like that. This one had been going for 4 years and I discovered am e-mail between them and I just knew and left within hours. Funny htta a few weeks after I left I found out about 2 others and that he always had a girlfriend. This happened Jan this year and had to move back to my home town and have set up my life there. I am very very happy becasue no one is messing with my head, no one lies to me and I now feel I am getting my old self back. I have lots of freinds, family and I now have a job!
You know I am even starting to think that this last affair is a gift – he was never going to change and I could have wasted another 10 years trying to make things work and beleiving all the stuff he used to tell me – you’re too this or too that – I could never do the right thing my him, it was always my fault. Well my x – thank you for not being in mylife. It is the best thing you have done for me in teh last 20 years.
PS. Good luck with your girlfriend’s husband. You are both lying to him just like you lied to me. The only thing is that just about everyone but him knows about your affair. One day he will find out and be devastated just like I was.
Evan,
I have enjoyed reading your comments and you put into to words my feelings so well. I too believe you need to forgive in order to move on either with or without the cheater. I let my husband move back in with me and our daughter 4 months ago and we had a very rocky 3 months but it’s like a light bulb turned on in his head and he realizes the damage he did by having this affair. He did some really terrible things and I chose to forgive in order to keep my sanity because you do really feel like you are going insane at times and I allowed too much of his rules to decide when and how he would return home. The OP was a young little tramp who has been in this situation more than once and I actually find myself feeling sorry for her or even more so for her poor son who is only 6 yrs. old. It’s crazy how one person can totally flip your life upside down and make you do things you would never allow yourself to do just to have them back. He would come to our house sleep with me and leave to sleep with her for 2 months I allowed this until finally I told him enough is enough no more I felt like the tables were reversed and I was the one who was cheating (her friend even commented I think your boyfriend is cheating on you with his wife). I think that was the moment when I realized I didn’t need this drama in my life. The holidays are going to be a rough road he gave her diamond earrings for christmas the same ones he gave me… makes me sick even now.
I have good days and bad days mostly good lately and for that I am thankful… Good luck to you and all of your milestones I hope they bring you a happy ending.. I’m still working on mine.
Can someone help me? I have discovered that my husband has been calling another woman he works with for 2 years. Every day on the way to work, on the way home, sometimes as many as 12 times a day. When I found out about the calls, he said they were just friends and that nothing was going on. He is home everynight at the same time, they work in a small office and he does not travel with his job. The cell phone calls stopped appearing on his bill because he bought a pay as you go phone and I found 2 months of calls to her on that phone! He would not give me the pay go phone and I think the calls have stopped. I overheard him telling her he loved her, dreams about being with her and would love to plan a trip with her. ( This was over a year ago when I heard this conversation) She is married with no children. We do not sleep in the same room because he said he likes to sleep by himself. We have continued our sexual relationsip with each other that seems to be tender and loving. He will not say he loves me because he said he resents that I regected him physically for many years =which I did. Am I crazy?
Just when you think you have everything figured out life takes you for another ride your not ready for. My husband had an affair with my best friend, who also was my maid of honor in our wedding. After we got married I stopped my friendship with her because, another friend of mine, who was also a bridesmaid in our wedding, told me that my maid of honor wanted my husband. I thought I don’t need this, that was 6 years ago. I meet up with my maid of honor the first of this year. She had gotten married and had a daughter and was the happiest she had ever been, yeah right! I asked her about what was said about her wanting my husband and she said it was all a lie. I trusted her, that was my first mistake!So our friendship coutinued and I trusted her with everything. About 3 or 4 months into our friendship I notice my husband pulling away from me and getting closer to her. I would questioned both of them about what I thought was going on, and she would tell me I was over reacting and that I was depressed and need on anti-depressent meds. While my husband would tell me how crazy I was for thinking he was screwing my best friend. Well come to find out the two of them meet up at the Holiday Inn in the same town she lives and I work in, how stupid was that. I found out and comforted him, and he tried to deny everything until I threw the receipt from the Holiday Inn at him. The first thing he wanted to do was call her and tell her I knew everything. Then he went on to tell me he has never been in love with me, that he loved me but was not in love with me. Whatever that means. So he calls her and she tells him that she will not leave her husband. Then all the sudden he wants to work things out. It has been about 7 months and we are still together, but he doesn’t want to talk about the affair and I have tons of questions. He says he hasn’t seen or talked to her since the day all hell broke lose. I want to believe him but I find it hard too. He gets alot of text messages and I never know who they are from. I’ve called and talk to her husband about this to watch the cell phone bills and text messages, but he just doesn’t get the chance to do this. I don’t understand that either. Things have been going good until here recently. I’ve read everybody advice and most of you say get out and leave him alone, but I can’t. I love him more than anything. To make things even harder is we have a son together and I can’t take his daddy away from him. I know if I ask him to leave, he will never come back and I can’t bear the thought of that. I feel like I have lost everything. I can’t talk to him about this stuff, and I lost what I thought was my best friend. I’m so alone right now and I don’t know my head from my asshole right now. He just gave our son the talk about how lying is so wrong and if you lie about the little stuff your’re going to lie about everything. I thought to myself, nothing like calling the kettle black. He lied to me for 4 or 5 months when he was having the affair. When does the pain go away and things get back to normal? When do I stop over thinking everything? I just want to be loved the way I love him. Is that possible? I’ve always been the type to be on guard, but now I find myself ever more guarded. I don’t like being that person. Like tonight he lied to me about a little thing and when I found the truth out I freaked out. If he is lying to me about this what else is he not telling me? He gets so defense when I question anything. He left to go coon hunting and when I called him a little bit ago I just asked where he was hunting and all he said was I’m just hunting that’s where I’m at, he wouldn’t tell me where. That scares me because thats the way he was when he was having the affair. He would never tell me where he was going. Thanks for letting me vent and if anybody has any advice I’m willing to listen, or I guess read. To Evan, I’ve read all your entries and I admire the way you have taken control of your life, and you sound like a great goodlooking guy, I hope you can find the love of your life again. You desire it! To Stephen, this really isn’t advice but I wish the op in my life would suddenly die. I know that sounds very harsh and I’m not that kind of person, but she has cause me so much anger and hate for her that at this point I don’t really care what happens to her. It takes a great person to even try to help your wife get over the op death. One other thing that is hard for me to understand is her and her husband drawn up their will and left their 3 year old daughter to me. I miss her so much. I loved her like my own daughter. I’m at an all time low in my life right now and the only time I have to get this on my chest is when my son is sleeping. I don’t want him to see how much pain I’m in and I don’t want to disappoint him. I just want things to be normal again, but I don’t even know what normal is anymore. I pray every night that if my husband is not being faithful to show me a sign so I can get on with my life. I just want some closure. I wish I had that magic crystal ball to see what the future holds, but if I had those kind of powers I wouldn’t be here. I’m so confused, any advice?
Danielle,
I know your pain. It sounds like you love your husband very much but right now you MUST think of YOU. You must realize that this person, the one you loved and would have done anything for has done this to you. That is so hard to hear, right? But let me tell you he is not thinking of you and your pain. He wasn’t when he did this horrible thing against your marriage. He is and was only thinking about himself. You need to start looking after you and that baby. Lay down some boundaries for yourself. Start doing the things you enjoy. Let him know that you are willing to work it out (sounds like you are) but he needs to take responsibility for what HE did and come clean with everything. He has caused deep pain and you cannot stuff that or you will go crazy.
Marriage is supposed to be a “RELATIONSHIP” that goes beyond mere sex. Yes we all need sex but the physical is just part of it. We need emotional support and acceptance from our mate. We need to know that we can expose our imperfections or our needs and not feel like we’re weird or strange. The purpose is to learn to RELATE to each other, to understand and nurture each other so you can become one. You can’t have a RELATIONSHIP with someone who will not be honest with you.
To Danelle,
I like the way you write. It’s like listening to you talk instead of reading and is really easy to understand. This being said, I don’t see any way that your husband can’t understand exactly what it is you are looking for or needing from him.
Since in my opinion I don’t see a communication barrier, other than his unwillingness to participate, it seems clear that he is either still engaged in his affair, or is not and is simply taking you for granted.
The affair can easily have changed into a verbal or emotional affair,(Still an Affair)whereas he and his paramour have decided, conciously or unconciously, because of her unwillingness to leave her husband, to look at what has happened in a positive view. It wasn’t their fault. they couldn’t help themselves and are now just friends and not hurting anybody. What nonsense.
This would be in order to feel guilt free and lay blame somewhere other then where it belongs. In so doing they could share a spoken or unspoken bond and take comfort in knowing that if their marriages don’t work out, they still have eachother.
Sounds to me like one of those things that will burn out with time and the real question you should be asking is do you, or, how long do you, want to wait for that to happen.
He says things like being, “In” love. Those feelings are fleeting and daily responsibilities and routines cause them to burn out and they have to be renewed time and again in most long term relationships. I read somewhere that marriage is falling in love over and over again, always with the same person.
He clearly doesn’t have a clue what he is talking about when he say’s he isn’t,”IN” love with you or is just to naive to understand that the; in love, feelings he may have shared with his paramour, will experienced the same up’s and down’s as within your own marriage. What a jerk to say that to you.
From a male perspective this is what I suggest. If you truly love him and want to save your marriage, don’t cheat on him. At the same time you have to make him feel like you are able to live a healthy and happy life without him no matter how hard that may be.
I’m not saying get out and leave him alone. I’m saying get out and bug the heck out of him by leaving him alone. Make him think about you as an independent person rather than a completely dependent person.
Men, myself included, for some crazy reason want to feel needed. We put on a good show and many times we don’t give very much thought into exactly what it is we want. But when forced to think about it, we want in many ways to feel like our wives are dependant upon us.
Right now, if he hasn’t left outright, he is enjoying, probably without even thinking about it, seeing how dependent you are upon him. This is where the taking you for granted comes in. He doesn’t have to think about what life would be like without you because he knows your heart is his to do with what he want’s.
He has the best of everything and is chasing what he doesn’t have. Her dependence upon him. Once he has it, if he is still seeing/talking to her, he may even leave you but history will repeat itself for them down the road.
He may have even stopped seeing and talking to her and just feels strangled by this guilt he is not man enough to own up to and repair. So he fights back instead of surrendering to your needs. Very weak don’t you think. You might consider some type of low key surveillance like a voice activated recorder in his car. Just for the answers you want. Don’t get caught or ever admitt it though. Sounds like he would try to use it against you.
I really think what you need to do is not be, or at least appear to not be, dependent upon him emotionally. Do you have any girlfriends? Start having girls nights out. Put on your hottest outfit, and sweetest perfume and go have some fun. If he does love you this is going to make him feel very uncomfortable. If he calls to see where you are, tell him. You have nothing to hide.
And don’t act like you care one little bit that he is checking on you. Sit back and laugh to yourself about the shoe being on the other foot etc. If he loves you he will call. If he doesn’t then that should really tell you something.
Basically you are stopping yourself from empowering him and making his knucklehead, selfish ass stop and think. At the same time you are doing the needed self care and braceing yourself for the worst. You want direction. You prefer one direction but will take another if you have to just to get out of this circle of lies.
Stop pouring your heart out. Tell him what you expect of him, that there is forgiveness in your heart for him if he wants to earn it, and then give him a reason to take you seriously. Believe me I know how hard it is to find new interests when all you want is him. In my case her, that just sounded funny to me.
Bottom line. I think one way or another, you are going to need to find a life without him. If doing so brings him back in and you feel confident enough to reinvest yourself, outstanding. If it doesn’t, you are still one step closer to feeling normal again.
Next time you call to see if he is hunting, make sure there is lots of music in the background and you have lots of noisy girlfriends around calling you back to the party. If he cares, he won’t be so mean and I guarantee when he gets off the phone he won’t be thinking so much about hunting or whatever else he may be doing. He will be thinking about what you are doing and with whom.
And if not, you will be having fun and maybe not care so much yourself as well as one day closer to resolution.
Evan
P.S. Whats up with her husband. What a loser he must be if he didn’t come unglued after talking to you.
After 23 years of marraige and 3 children my wife told me she had an 8 month affair with my best friend when we were married 10 years. Confession is good for the soul. Her soul not mine. I trusted my wife completely. I have stayed for 3 years to make sure all of my children have been through high school. I put my children above me. I still do not trust my wife and do not think she has been 100% truthfull. I check her cell phone calls daily. This is not trust. I will see if our marraige will survive but I believe when all of the children are gone we will not make it. I live day by day but have taken the best care of myself in a long time.
I’d like to say that I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s comments but I think enjoy is the wrong word. I’m so amazed at how many people are going through the same thing. Your comments and responses have greatly helped me and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I’ve been married over 17 years and have 2 children in elementary school and 1 in preschool. I strongly believe that my husband has been faithful to me until about a year & 1/2 ago when he got involved with one of his closest friends. They had been friends for about 12 years and she was a pretty good friend of mine as well. 4 years ago when I had my last child, she took my job as Controller (my husband is one of the owners). I oversaw her work and she & her husband would go out with us to dinner, etc. In the summer of 2005 my husband started changing drastically, new clothes, hairstyle, attitude, said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to be single. I was confused. I thought we were getting along just fine. But I figured it out fairly early. Unfortunately, even then it was too late. It was way too much fun. I thought that it was an emotional affair and when they went out to dinner while I was out of town, I decided to leave. My husband begged me to stay and said they were just friends, going down a wrong path and would stop. I believed him but they just went undercover, secret cell phones, e-mail accounts, meeting on the sly. I discovered all that in Feb 2006 and got a divorce attorney. He broke down and cried (he never cries) and ended it with her. I fell for it again and weeks later he was back in touch. We’ve played this game several times and finally in September I told him he had 4 months-January 15 and if his attitude toward me hadn’t improved, I was leaving with or without proof of her still in his life. Since then, his attitude still hasn’t changed. If I ask any question, he goes on the defensive and accuses me of not trusting him (though why should I?). Sometimes he’s like his old self, but most of the time he’s cold and seems far away. He has little patience for the kids and can’t stand doing anything other than what he wants to do, motorcycles, etc. and even then a lot of times he picks fights, criticizes or complains. What attracted me to him 19 years ago was the way he made me laugh and the fun we had together. It’s not fun anymore at all. I don’t ask any questions whatsoever and I don’t try to “talk” to him anymore because all it does is get him angry. I try to leave him alone so he doesn’t feel like I’m checking up on him. Even when we’re getting along, I still wonder if he’s being faithful. The trust is completely gone and there’s just a constant feeling of hurt and betrayal. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I can’t trust or with someone who’d rather be with somebody else. I don’t want to be second forever. I don’t think I or anyone deserves that.
Danelle – Summer 05, I was where you were. I was so sick for fear of losing my husband. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 in 2 months. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. All I wanted was my husband and I did everything I could for him and to try to convince him to stay. All it did was teach him that he could treat me however he wanted and I’d put up with it out of fear of losing him. Don’t let anyone do that to do. They’re not worth it and you deserve so much more! Follow Evan’s advice. It’s great advice.
To anyone who’s interested,
It’s Evan again. Anybody getting tired of me yet?
It worked. Or may have worked, well see. I went out, found new interests, had fun and lived my life without her. OK the truth now. I went out, appeared to have found new interests, pretended to have fun and lived my life without her.
I cut her off financially and told her I would not live this way anymore. I took my own advice, didn’t cheat and I gave the appearance that I was ready and capable of living a happy healthy life without her.
The results have been very positive. She is now attending counseling and calls to see what I am doing rather than the other way around. I’m going slow but am optimistic.
Christmas is coming and moneys tight but I think that my not pressuring her and giving her a reason to become defensive has really helped. Her support structure is crumbling as all of her friends continue to live their lives.
I feel like I am in the drivers seat and am flying down the freeway at about a 50 trying to decide if I want to throw her out the passenger door rather than sitting in the passenger seat with her doing a 100, white knuckled and gripping the door handle tring to prevent her from tossing me out.
She says she has stopped talking to and seeing this guy. She even changed her cell phone number. She goes home every night and checks in with me. She’s bringing her money home and is paying bills trying to keep our home.
It’s a work in progress and even though I still feel like she could be more open, I’m taking baby steps now and not stressing so much about the end result. Time will tell. It couldn’t have happenned though if I continued to grovel and beg, buying her flowers, oh my God I think I sent her at least 2 grand in flowers to her work in the last 9 months.
It wasn’t until I stopped and made her feel like she could have me but not unconditionally and not for very much longer, did she stop and make a decision.
My verbal pleadings and attacks on her just made her feel secure or made her close up and defend herself. Only when I stopped and moved on did she slow her roll and think.
I really suggest everyone try this. If she didn’t come around, I was still much closer to being normal and completely walking / running into a whole new life.
Here’s my problem now. Maybe someone has a suggestion.
I was a good husband. I worked my ass off providing for my family. I was attentive to her and my children. I was fully supportive of her dreams and wants. I made love to my wife whenever and whereever I could. Told her she was beautiful and pronounced my love constantly in cards, flowers, etc.
Our sex wasn’t bad. In fact I think it was pretty damn good. I take care of myself and have never had any complaints. She say’s I am a better lover and after looking at the guy don’t see how that couldn’t be true.
I worked 560 hours of overtime last year and still made time to take my kids hiking, camping, fishing, to the movies at least a dozen times. Worked for family vacations to Disneyland, the works. I gave my wife complete freedom of expresssion, girls nights out, paid for her concerts and even took her to the mall to buy new clothes and outfits for these concerts.
I gave my very best and it wasn’t good enough. So what has changed? Her paramour doesn’t even have a damn job. He doesn’t hold a candle to me physically, mentally or professionally.
She freely admits I am the better man and say’s she doesn’t know why she did what she did. She say’s she thinks that after 13 years of marriage, just the responsibility was to much for her and this man was an outlet for her her to hide from her responsibilities. Pretty damn lame excuse I think.
So what happens now. I gave my best and it wasn’t good enough. So what happens if I throw all in again? It wasn’t good enough the first time. If I had even a small thing to work on, problem with myself, then I could fix it and hope for the best with my new found better man self. I don’t. I always put her and my children first in all things.
If she could risk it for s scum bag like him then what’s to keep her from doing this again. I think I answered my own question there. Nothing.
I’m not moving home yet. I am going to sit at my brothers and continue to make her meet my milestones until I feel safe. I just don’t think I will ever, even with forgiveness, compltely feel safe when I didn’t do anything to create her need to go outside our marriage.
In the end I guess it will just come down to me. Is it worth it for me to live with my suspicions / insecurities. I really don’t know right now because I have reached a place where I can let go of her through self care. One day at a time I got there. Now, even though I love her deeply, I know I have the capacity to be whole without her.
I think our children deserve a chance for our family to stay together and I do love her after all so I’m going slow and taking a chance. I’m not a doormat though and this time I’m keeping enough love for myself to not get floored if it doesn’t work out.
I hope and pray for all of you. Happy Holidays.
Evan
It sounds like you’re on the right path. I wish you the best of luck. Most of the people that I’ve spoken to, their spouse’s affairs do not make sense. Very rarely have I ever seen anyone “upgrade”. I know my husband & I had our issues, but I know I was a very good wife and mother. Unfortunately, we grew apart due to the routine and responsibilities of reality. Someone paid him a lot of attention and made him feel alive and made his life exciting. I found out that he told her that he was glad she was in his life because “this is so much fun”. Nevermind that I was home taking care of our kids and crying. If he were unhappy, he could have told me but he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t realize it until she came along. But that still doesn’t excuse it. And I was a wreck for a long time doing everything I could to “win” him back all to no avail. But lately I have taken steps to be less dependent on him and our relationship is improving. Not sure what the end result will be but at least I know I’ll be ok no matter what happens and I know that I can look my kids in the eye and say that I did my best. Continue to do your best. I’m sure I speak for a lot of women when I say that anyone would love to have a husband who went to Disneyland, camping, etc. with them & the kids. I know your wife will come to her senses when she sees the reality of the men out there. Just continue to give it more time. Until then, I wish you luck and peace, and I hope that you can enjoy the holidays in spite of your circumstances.
To Mary
Dont know if I can help but I will try, really only we can help ourselves in the end. What I find admirable about your letter that I have rarely seen is that you were up front in admitting your faults. that took alot of courage for you to write and just know you are truly a great person for having the ability to do that. Very few people can admit to their own faults and because you have allowed yourself to do that you stand a greater chance than most of recovering with or without him. But for him to not say he loves you because of his resent for you neglecting him I have a problem with that.
He is willing to lay you down but torturing you by withholding emotion coupled with the i love you to the op.He is not worth the honest person you are. You have admitted willingly to him your faults and he is using them against you instead of working with you as a result of knowing and coming to terms with it. You are not to blame. I myself know that I could have done more also I was too busy with my kids not for any other reason that wanting to make the most of my mother hood. I didnt realize it was affecting him that way or that after over 20 yrs he appeared more needy than the children. We spent many years before we had kids and I thought we would have many after too. I was just at a family reunion and my cousin who has 8 kids and a solid marriage said , they started life together, then the kids and when they are done well end ourlife together. He was so supportive and I admired the great respect he gave her as a mother during those years of her life. All i got was the what about me and with 6 kids I guess i was spread a little thin tending to everyones needs but my own and apparently his. I do blame myself in many ways and it has taken some time to forgive myself, you are human and like me realize a mistake you made and know that in that realization you will eventually forgive yourself.I dont know that it was a mistake for my kids from where i now sit I guess it wasnt but then it was . I tried to change it but was too hard with a third party involved because she had no kids and was young and fresh and free to do whatever she wanted with him. They took mini holidays at our expense while my kids and myself could not afford to. I know there is no excuse for it maybe we blame ourselves because they wont accept any blame so someone has to take the hit lol. Just dont give up on yourself and dont beat yourself up over it, regardless of the blame on yourself you take there is no excuse for it. Like everyone says start living your life for you and life will find you.
I read an article today about procrastination and it really stuck with me. It said how we avoid doing things we dont like or enjoy because it brings us some form of pain just for not liking to do it. the subconscious reaction. The article said to think of the pain beyond, such as I avoid talking to my spouse about things because I am afraid he might freak therefore I avoid it as it brings me pain but if avoiding it in the end can bring worse pain your subconcious will choose the first choice if you further yourself to the second choice and your subconsious senses worse pain. kinda weird i know but it has some sort of eerie make sense thing going on. I am gonna tryit hope it works. There example was like a kid not doing homework and putting it off because they didnt like it but the consequences for not doing it were worse than for just putting it off.(made it a temporary pain not a permanent pain) If the calls stopped why the pay as you go soundslike he was trying to eliminate evidence for you to find something. All I can say is keep communicating for if you dont it will be lost. and that is more pain for you. Moving slow is better than not moving at all I wish you loads of luck Mary and that you may have the opportunity to work through it without the other person involved its the only way it can ever happen
Need some advice , just sitting on the fence about a couple of things. Last night my kids had their community skating competition something i have led them through for the last 10 yrs. Even after he left i have done it alone for the last 4 yrs. He never calls to ask what they are doing and when, I once told him 3 yrs ago that it was his responsibility to be a part of their life that way as I had always been the informer for him and his family. They have chose not to bother to do this but my problem is that after the fact they bad mouth about how they didnt know and make the kids who do see him feel bad and that it is my fault he didnt know. I am really getting tired of this and am not sure what to tell them because I am not in this to bad mouth him i just want to live my own life . Aside from the fact that a couple of these kids would downright be uncomfortable if he showed up, he was completely absent from their life for 3 full years and now he wants back in and they are happy the way things are and dont want to change. I pay for these activities myself i drag them daily to practices pay costume and entry fees and not once has he ever offered assistance of any kind in fact once commented they would never be nothing which the kids heard him say. I know he is their father but we established a life from his abandonment for a long time and have come to a contentment with what we do together, him coming only upsets the apple cart for them. Last year he showed up for carnival I was kind enough to speak to him temporarily thankfully but my two daughter were hiding and this is our day to have fun and perform so why is he here ruining it for us. Because he blames me for the way they feel he justifies it whatever way he can. What do I do should I go against the kids wishes and make them let him come and bring his lady and new kid, we suffered so much humiliation in a small community already and to face it again for them is something they do not want. He doesnt bother to find anything out anyway but blame me for why he doesnt know.
It really sucks because the three out of 6 kids who do talk to him take the brunt for it and I dont want that either. He is completely non negotiable about it and stand true to his indignance.. The others have no place for him any longer and feel they dont even know him, they havent talked to him in 4 yrs. My 8 yr old who was 4 when he left is not even emotionally connected as she didnt see him again til she was 7. I am drawn to their feelings about it more than his as I have no respect for him for how this has all impacted their lives. but how do i deal with the way he makes the kids feel . Its never over
Ann,
May God bless you and keep you
May he raise up his eyes and smile upon you
May he lift his countenance on you and give you peace.
During this season of Advent I promise I will pray for you. I will pray that God will give you his divine guidance and that you are accepting of his answer to you.
Just thinking out loud, sort of,
I think we all get what we deserve in the end. Why, because we choose to accept or not accept our fates for the most part. Sure, we may not be able to be rich and carefree, but when it comes to relationships and abuse, we either choose to accept our circumstances or not.
I think it helps just a little to understand that we choose to allow these people to hurt us. We choose to stay and fight for what we want. It’s not that any of us can’t move forward and create new and rewarding lives for ourselves.
We choose to endure. Are we strong and committed or scared and stupid. Really couldn’t tell you. Everyone is different. I myself jump back and forth between feeling both ways.
I know I can be whole without her. I choose to stay and allow this confusion, fear, anger and yes, pain, be a part of my life. It re-appears at the oddest of times and I often find myself having to forgive her and my-self, over and over, which is the best medicine believe me.
I have come to realize though that even though she has created the circumstances without cause, I choose to endure rather than let go because she really doesn’t have a say so in it either way.
If the idea of having a working marriage with her is sufficient I choose to stay. If the idea of a non working marriage with her is sufficient I choose to stay.
If the idea of a working or non working marriage with her is not sufficient, I still choose to stay or go. I am in control even if I don’t feel like it much, so even though I didn’t do it, I really am the only one to blame for continuing to feel this way.
Pretty deep stuff. I will have to think on it a bit and see if I agree with myself.
Evan
JuneD, when I read your post, I thought, “that’s me” Same situation, my husband wanted fun, wasn’t into the kids, I was too wrapped up in raising them to fulfill his needs….. The way I see it is that’s a bunch of crap, grow up! Be a man, put your kids first. He’s always been there financially for them but didn’t want to take on the daddy role. Of course he didn’t have to do anything for them, because I did it all. He said we stopped talking, touching, couple things, but the truth is that I was so dogged tired from raising two babies alone that I just wanted to sleep. I had nothing left at 10:00p at night. I tried asking him to get involved but he always did it grudgingly and only for a short time. I never put tabs on him, trusted him fully, little did I know that this OP was putting the moves on him and giving him the attention he wanted.
It’s been a long road since I found out about the affair this past March. Back and forth and finally I just told him, listen, I want more. I want someone who loves me fully and only me, who I can trust and who respects me. I deserve better. I told him to leave more than once and the last time he had contact with her I made it clear to pack it up and get out. I was done. He emailed her and told her he could no longer keep in touch with her and that I was his number one priority. I watched him send it, but even as I did, I was suspicious. I hate being that person. I’m not sure when I will trust him fully again. I still check his phone, credit card statements etc. Sometimes, I think he is being honest and other times I think he just has gotten more careful. Out marriage counselor says that he needs to know that there is hope for us if I want him to stay and work things out. I do have hope, but with each incident the glimmer fades. The next time, if there is one, the glimmer will be out.
In the beginning I was afraid to be alone, afraid of what everyone will say, afraid to have to tell my little ones why their dad is gone, and have to give them to him on weekends, afraid to get back out there. After all the back and forth, I became hardened I guess. Calloused to the hurt and decided that I can do it on my own, get back in the nursing field, a job I quit to raise my kids, with his blessing by the way. Get my own place, sell the home we dreamed of and move on. Take my half and start over. Once I came to terms with this and saw a lawyer, I wasn’t so afraid anymore.
I want him to stay, because I love him and I beleive in marriage, I beleive that he is a good man deep down. I truely think he was having a midlife crisis. Losing his virility. Coming to terms with college days being gone and done with, responsibilities instead of parties etc…..He says he was lost for awhile, and now has found himself again. Do I beleive him, maybe, but I also think that he made choices, choices that I had no say in and choices that affected me and my kids. I’m angry, I need to get over the anger before we can truely heal. I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. But when we have to live with choices we had no say in, that’s where we need to take action. Stand up for ourselves, show them we can make it on our own and even if we struggle it’s better than staying in a marriage without respect and love. We all deserve more. No matter how horrible the thought of leaving is, if the cheater is still cheating there is no healing. There is no respect, no chance for it to work out. The affair has to be OVER! Any effort put into the other relationship takes away from our marriages and the marriage will suffer. It’s like anything in life, wherever you put the energy and effort is where the good things happen.
I read in a book that the fear of actually leaving is worse than really doing it. That once you leave and establish a new life, you find that you can make it on your own, and just the fact that you are no longer being disrespected and taken for granted gives you the empowerment to move on. The fear of the unknown is always worse than the reality of it. It’s never as bad as you imagine. I find comfort here, knowing that I have support from people just like me. I hope you all do too.
MS-I think our lives are parallel, but actually I’ve heard our story from so many other women. I’m a CPA but stopped working 4 years ago when we had our little one. The OP took my job and she was fired last February, when I found out that it was much more than an emotional affair. I’m back to work now and actually really like it though when my husband and I are having difficulties, it makes it awkward to work with him. But the job boosts my self esteem and helps me interact with others. Plus I have a very good hold on all our finances (personal & business) b/c he was taking money here & there for gifts for her and Lord only knows what else. It’s also gotten me back in the work force so that I can get a job elsewhere if I need to. I also talked to an attorney and feel comfortable with my rights. I’m staying now not b/c I have to but b/c well, I’m not really sure why. I gave him until January 15 (after the holidays, couldn’t ruin Christmas for my kids forever) to see if his attitude changed and I just don’t know. Sometimes he seems like his old self before the OP but sometimes he seems like he’s been for the last year & 1/2. Maybe I’m just distrustful. We took the kids on the Disney Cruise in October and I made sure the I did everything with the kids. He didn’t have to do anything. He went jetskiing and went on the Hobi Kat and yet by the end of the 4 day cruise, he was complaining and nasty. It was his idea to go and I thought, well if we do split in January, at least the kids will have a good memory of a great family trip. They do but I don’t. He made it quite clear by the end of the trip that he’d rather have a root canal than be on the cruise with me & the kids. I think the appeal of the OP was the fact that her daughter was grown (she had her kid early in life) and she could come & go as she pleased. He’s just not into kids, even ours. He loves them very much, just doesn’t like to be with them and it’s sad. They are great, very well behaved kids and they love him to death. But I enjoy being with them and I am grateful that I have them. Even though they don’t really know what’s going on (they sense something), they love me and give me a lot of hugs and support. At least I don’t have to worry about him fighting me for custody. Anyway, good luck with your decision. If your husband doesn’t want to be part of your life or your kids, then you & they deserve better as do I. Keep your chin up at least until after the holidays. If I’m going out, I’m going out with a bang. The house is decorated, kids & I are making cookies, seeing lights, and having fun. I want them to remember this as a great Christmas. I don’t want his choices to mar it. Have a great holiday and enjoy yourself. Think about your options afterwards. Hopefully by next Christmas the situation will be completely different and either you will be happy with your husband or else happy in your new life. Good luck!
People!
It is time for some of you to move on! I know that
it is hard to do that…believe me I been there myself.
I posted here myself many times a few months back. This
board and community have helped me.
However, don’t engage in a pity party. Look deep into yourself
and find the strength you will need to do what you feel is right. I know everyone heals differently and it takes time.
But for some of you enough is enough!
My wife had an affair I found out everything. I mean everything! The phone calls, text messages, emails and the secret meetings. You should have read the emails to her friend describing the “best sex of her life” with her old boyfriend.
Was with him the day after my birthday and on our anniversary…each time me and our son would wait for her…thinking she was out with her friends…Lies!
It hurt!…Did I say it hurt!…Deeply! Like many here it was devastating to me.
But I have moved on…we are still together taking it day by day but I dont dwell on it anymore. She has to worry about me now. I am into making myself the best BJ I can be for the new year. The gym, reading great books, going to be taking classes the whole nine yards. She will not be able to keep up is what I’m thinking.
I still love her and she says she loves me. Has apologised for her actions and said she will never do it again. I on the other hand have told her honestly…I do not know how long I will be here with you. I am here for my son for the most part…not wanting to ruin his birthday (D-Day) and Holidays.
I also told her that if I did find someone who I thought was worth having an relationship with and they were interested in me that I would have to go that way more than likely. That I owe myself and whomever I found to give it a try because that relationship would be untainted. Before this I never thought of being with another woman ever. Now if the right one comes along and we really feel we have something…then I might give it a chance. Why? Because that person would not have violated my trust and disrespected me like my wife has. That person would deserve the benefit of the doubt. My wife has lost that privilege and must work hard to regain it.
My wife did not like to hear this but it is her fault. She rolled the dice and while she was winning for a minute…it eventually came up “Snake Eyes”. She took the chance and now must deal with the ramifications of her choices and actions.
I dont blame myself anymore…I am one of the “goodguys” I know that. I have worked hard and we had a nice life together. We had some hard times since 9/11 (IT Field) and that is when all the trouble started. I wondered and asked why many times like many of you. I tried to get her to tell me why and what did you do this for. Got many BS answers…but the bottom-line is that for many and most is that they just want to have sex with someone else. It is as simple as that…and if it is good then it will be going on for awhile. Nothing like “Great Sex” to make you forget everything like your husband/wife, kids, job, etc. We all heard the term “Nose wide open” right?
So, for many of you stop fooling yourselves and start taking care of you. Do not lament for what was….think of what can be! Do not be a victim any longer…empower yourself with self pride and self-worth.
My wife had better keep up or get left behind! And even if I do get to where I am going it probably will not be with her is what I am thinking. She even stated that I would leave her sometime next year when it all settles down.
My response was ….
Get on with your lives my friends…you deserve one! And it is yours! You choose to share it with someone who knowingly violated and disregarded what you had together. It is your life!
Now go get it back!!!!
JuneD, thanks for the kind words and support. I guess I should clarify that my husband is here and not seeing the OP, no contact for about 2.5 mos now. Things are actually going very well these days. He is open, trying to be transparent and making every effort to make me feel secure and loved. My problem is that I have this lack of trust that I can’t seem to shake no matter how much he tries and no matter what he does or says. Maybe it’s from all the back and forth and lies and betrayal over the past year. I just can’t seem to shake it. I knew every time before when he was seeing her again and it always turned out right. Now I feel like he is still at least talking to her, they were “friends” and work together. So my dilemma is do I trust my gut and keep searching and being suspicious or do I trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I do love my husband, as we all do, or we would have left a long time ago. I just am struggling internally on how to get over this. He has made a BIG deal about Christmas this year and how he wants to give me gifts and make it this great day and is planning a family trip for Easter etc… He says he has seen the error of his ways and knows what he almost lost and says he never left because he knew he loved me and the kids, he just “lost himself” somewhere. Whatever that means. That’s why I said I thought it was some kind of mid-life crisis. Anyway, I am trying to just go with the flow and invest in my marriage and love him and until he proves me wrong, believe in him. Time will tell. I hope you and everyone here has a blessed and wonderful holiday. May next year bring only good things for you and your family. You sound strong and have a great attitude, I hope your husband realizes what he is doing before it’s too late. You deserve better girl. Take Care, MS
Thanks MS & thanks BJ.
MS – I also need to clarify that my husband broke off contact with the OP on the phone with me present last September. He swears that she’s out of the picture. She was a really close friend of his for about 10 years and I believe that she earnestly pursued him. Regardless, the trust is broken. And that’s something that’s hard to live without, not even sure if that’s possible. But I know that time, love & God can heal anything. I do believe that women have a harder time of letting go. I think we internalize more. Would I like to spend the rest of my life with my husband? Absolutely! But only if the OP is out of the picture permanently (one more violation of any kind and I’m gone!!)and he treats me with respect and love. I know he will never be the husband & father that I would like him to be but that’s ok b/c he has many other great qualities. I hate to throw away 19 years of our lives together and break my kids’ hearts if there is a chance that we can have a great marriage. And I believe we can. But it can’t just be me working on it. So we’ll see. My counselor told me, you walk out at anytime but you can’t always come back. So give it time with your husband and see what happens. If he starts up again with the OP, his attitude will start changing back and you will know it and you will catch him again. If not, then you can both build a new life together. At least try not to worry about it until after the holidays. I sincerely wish you all the best!
BJ – it sounds to me like you’re wide open for a revenge affair and I can’t say that I blame you, but don’t stoop to her level. Either stay and do your best to make it work and forgive, or else leave so that you can give your best to someone else. Of course that’s easy for me to say but I’m having a difficult time living it. If I met a really great guy, I don’t know that I’d not go down that path either. I hope I wouldn’t. I don’t ever want to give him a chance to lay the blame for the breakup of our marriage on my doorstep. I want to be able to walk away with my integrity intact and with a clear conscience. Good luck to you and I really hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
To Bj
so much of what you said has hit me like a hard ball . All the advice here and some of my own as well i know is all true. But when , where how. Man i feel like i have been to hell and back and has been a while for me. I have fought tooth and nail to hold on to my life my kids lives for 4 long years and I now find myself at a turning point, do I continue or give up. I dont know if I have the strength to continue any longer I really just want to give up. I had a few drinks tonight and done alot of soul searching about how worht it this all is and I just dont know if it really is and for who the kids, for me I feel like I had my chance and things just didnt work out and i have nothing to look to and no where to go. I try to keep moving forward but nothing works out just another battle and im so tired of fighting for thinkgs i believe in. I think I make a friend and they bale me out does anyone really care anyone i mean I feel i have no reason to be here no purpose and the only thing that has stopped me from that thinking in the past is was the kids needed me but do they really, I guess someone will be here for them somehow, no one is going to just leave them high and dry someone will step up maybe even my ex can finally save himself by finaly doing the right thing.If i am gone he will have that chance. I thought a few drinks would uplift me but instead they made me feel like my life was over . I dont normally drink but I feel like it more and more as time goes on. to kill the pain I guess. I am tired for living for everyone but me and i have tried to do that take care of me like we all say but something always happens to throw you back down. You think you find someone who cares and I dont mean a love relationship just a friend and it always thrown out the window for what ever reason. Is it wrong to just not want to be here, How could I have beem so strong for so long only to resolve that this is the end. Did i fight for nothing is that what its always about nothing . Im sick of feeling this way and there is only one way it can really be over and i hate myself for thinking it but i am and its funny how much i have thought of it this last while than i did all the while this has happend, maybe im just done fighting for what i believe is right.amd there is nothing left in me. I have fought and fought and fought but if its never over then whats the point. I dont want pity either i just want it to be over but will never be.
I have read books done good deeds helped others and i am left empty and alone to just keep fighting. fighting the tears that overwhelm my life. I can hardly see through my tears to keep writing. I can see everyone on this blog is searching for hope and encouragement and strangely enough i have tried to give it and sadly i need it too. I dont know where else to turn in my life there is no where to turn and i cant even look to myself for strength becaus I have none left in me. I hope you all can overcome what i have not been able to . I dont know why i really have tried . This blog is good for you all to get it out even if no one hears you at least have been able to vent and feel like someone hears you. i am not much in the holiday mood though I hope that for you all . It really is a hopeless cause for me , the only thing i can say to you is save yourselves, save your relationship if you can , while it is so easy to say i wont put up with that and I deserve better and no one should treat me this way etc, etc yes it is true but let me tell you something , the pain you encounter at that stage is nothing compared to what you will encounter in the event things dont work out. I know it sounds so right to say those things and it makes such perfect sense but to live through it is a whole nother ball game becasue its never over until your dead and gone. I would give my soul to the devil to have my life back because everything else is just full of so much pain pain pain. Take care to all of you, Bj I dont think there is any sanctity anywhere but I sure hope your one of the lucky ones who find it because i know its not me
To all:
I have not logged in for too long. Dealing with the swirl and that was all I could handle. I want to address both Evan and the last multiple notes as they all bring light for me.
First the last notes. I find incredible strength in them. My husband is ‘living’ with the OP and has only recently begun to realize the reality of the full picture. Will he keep this realization??? Never mind act on it???
I am prepared to move on and have been doing so, but his change has me in the swirl. I have done quite a bit of soul searching and have come to many conclusions that will, of course, change over time.
I love him for who he is. I can not live with him any longer as he was. He has changed (is it temporary or real?) in many ways to the person I used to know prior to the downfall. I need to change also. We are working really hard to improve our relationship regardless of the outcome as we have 2 preadolescents who need us completely. But, he stills needs to end the relationship with the OP who could be his daughter…….yes, I am bitter about the age thing. Still need to work on that as it is so unreal. If he does not, what additional pain will follow??? YUCK!!
All this to say thank you to the notes about what you are going through. I see myself as someone who could be there and wonder if we will ever get there, and if we do will I be able to deal. I believe I can for so many good reasons, but I am not there yet to even know. I think it all changes as the circumstances change. In the meantime I will be hiring a lawyer in January and continue to protect myself and the kids as a way to move towards independence. Still so hard.
I’m not a good writer, so I hope this makes sense. There are too many feelings swirling about for me to convey them without writing a book.
The second thing I wanted to address is Evan. You have been incredibly helpful to me through the blogs. I want to start by saying it is NOT YOUR FAULT. However, (I know, this is the ‘but’ thing, but it is what I think should be said.) I found myself relating to you in a not so pretty way. When we say we provided so much we lose sight of how we need to make changes……….with or without them.
If you have done everything you said then you have done way too much. You can not possibly work those hours and do those family things and take care of yourself. Sorry that is harsh, but I think it is something worth looking at. It is possible to do ‘too much’.
Take some time for yourself (which I believe, from what you have said previously, you have done now) and remember that that time you give yourself is the most important to enable you to ultimately give to your children and wife. Never mind……take care of you!
Your notes indicate that she has thrown you off kilter from where you were. I think this is totally and entirely the way it happens. Do what you can to find your feet again. You’ll need them to understand what is happening and where it will all go from here.
I hope this is not so ‘preachy’. I just felt that you’ve helped me so much it might be worth the shot.
Meanwhile, I’m up the creek without a paddle. So, should I really be writing all this? Please let me know what you think. It is sent in the warmest regards, but with knowledge that I may be totally of the path.
Thank you Evan, Karen, and June D for your advice and kind words of wisdom. I just have a hard time with the trust issue right now and it’s really hard for me now because my husband went back to work and he works for the railroad and is working and staying away from home. I know I should know my husband more than anybody, but I don’t anymore. I thought I did but that all changed when he decided to have the affair. I’m like most of you things are good right now, but then on the other hand weird things happen that make me thing he has contact with the op. Evan you talk about installing a voice recorder in his vehicle. I don’t know anything about these devices. Where do you get them? Where do you have them installed? How do they work? I don’t even know if I’m ready for that step. I know I want some closure on if he is seeing or contacting the op. I was talking to him on his way home a few months ago and I swear I heard another phone ring. I asked him what that sound was and he said it was the radio; I have a hard time believing that. But then again is that my over thinking kicking in again, I have no idea! When I talked to him tonight he was very distant and grumpy, and that always gets me thinking and wondering what the hell is going on. Evan, I know you also made the comment that there shouldn’t be a communication barrier between us, but there is. I always plan out in my head what I want to say to my husband, but it never comes out the way I think it should or he somehow turns my words and thoughts around and makes it sound stupid, and makes me feel like a total ass. Either that or I get the eyes rolling or the smirk when I want to talk about feelings or emotions. Is that a subject guys don’t want to talk about or what? I would also like to know if anybody knows if text messages can be track? My husband says he erases them when he gets them so I don’t even know if this is possible. I know I sound like a desperate person, but what does a person do in this situation? It’s really nice to know that I can pretty much say what I want and I feel everybody knows what I’m talking about. No matter what my friends and family say they don’t know what I’m going through. They don’t know what it is like being lied to and being betrayed. It’s one of the worst things I have ever felt in my life, and it’s easy for them to say get the hell out and move on. Right easier said then done. If somebody told me these were the cards I would be dealt in life, I would have told them to go fly a kite. I’m sorry I’m so negative tonight, but I’ve just have had a bad day and my evening is not much better. I just keep thinking to myself tomorrow is a new and better day. By the way I said I didn’t know my head from my asshole last time, well I was right I spelled my own name wrong. My name is really Darnelle not Danelle. I got a pretty good laugh myself about that one.
To Shennie…
Sweetie, trust me it will get better. What does the hot song right now say “It is Never the Right Time to Say Goodbye!”
Trust me I know that now more than ever. It is time for you to realize that also Shennie. Do not dwell in that dark place that we have all been in any longer.
I think that you must take your kids and leave his “Sphere of Influence.” There must be somewhere you always thought of relocating to. Go there and don’t tell anyone…no one!
Establish your own life and identity without him. You see he cannot make you strong only you can do that for yourself. But he can make you weak if you allow it to happen and if you are dealing with a person who is mean, vindictive and seems to take delight in degrading you then you need to remove yourself from that environment.
You are strong and I and many others here believe in you.
You will not give that puke and that homewrecker the satisfaction of knowing they destroyed you. You are worthy of happiness and you will be loved by someone again. I repeat you will be loved again! He will be kind and decent and treat you like you deserve. It will pass like a bad dream and you will wonder why you ever spent so much time on this loser. He is not worth your thoughts and energy.
So start the process of empowerment RIGHT NOW!
Get some motivational materials:
Movies:
Alice Doesnt Live Here Anymore!
Waiting to Exhale!
Enough…Jennifer Lopez!
First Wives Club (I love that movie!)
Books:
Can really remember any…I’m sooo visual!
Anyone got any recommendations?
Trips:
GET OUT and GET AWAY!
Planning:
Start planning your life change Shennie…DO IT!
Put your energy into that…not him or your current situation.
Thinking of your future…because you have the power to make it whatever you want it to be. Your life belongs to you and not to him. You allowed him to share it not have it! He screwed it up now cut him off!
Beleive me I been there. Big tough macho ex-marine boo hooing up a storm because my wife was doing some guy every week for months. She was chasing him more than he was after her. It hurt! Plain and simple I found out that she was giving it to him anytime he called and wanted it. I was begging and longing for intimacy with her the whole time and getting rebuffed.
HA!!!! Is what I say now! While I am still with her I dont really have much belief in her right now and do not want to really. I found that I had stopped believing in me…BJ!
So now I believe again…I am the man! Walking tall and proud and not wondering what is wrong with me….why?
Because it was her Shennie! Not me! She was weak and I have been strong for 11 years. I can look her in the eye and know that she knows it. You will be able to do so soon Shennie…face down your fear and smile in knowing you can and have bested it!
NOW GET GOING!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!!
JuneD
Hello and thanks for the reply!
You Stated:
“BJ – it sounds to me like you’re wide open for a revenge affair and I can’t say that I blame you, but don’t stoop to her level”
My Reply:
I passed the revenge affair stage earlier June…I believe I posted it on this blog one day. It is not about that at all.
It is about finding someone who is special and worthy of my love, trust and respect. In the past I was not looking or interested…because I was happily married. Now I would say that I am open to the possibility of having a relationship with someone else. Someone who is honest and true to me like I want to be true to them. The bottom-line for us all…think about it…is even if you stay with the offender the doubt will always be there won’t it? When they tell you they are going somewhere…what is the first thought that comes into your head? You wonder where they are and what they are doing when you cannot contact them after a prolonged period of time…dont you? I do not want to live my life in a relationship filled with doubt…you?
I would definitely tell my wife upfront what is happening.
Which in essence I would be telling her “Good-Bye” … it would be hurtful (maybe) but again she brought it upon herself.
You see June…I was on here earlier waxing poetically and so forth. But now I have become realistic about it all. People who cheat find someone they like and are attracted to and have sex with them…plain and simple. You can analyze it any way you want but at a base level that is what it comes down to. You liked someone and you wanted to have sex with them outside of your committed relationship when you knew better but said “I don’t care” because I want it anyway.
So no more crap about why and all that…I’m moving on with or without her! There are some lovely and beautiful women out there who are true. I was afraid earlier because you don’t know what is on the other side. But now I know it will probably be me out there on the other side and I’m okay with that.
Stoop down to her level?…Never!
Find a new woman?…Priceless!
Hi! I?m new here. I?ve read all of your experiences and I have here some old grandmas wisdom : If it doesn?t cost you, the odds are you are not going to appreciate it. I have been with my husband for 14 years now and last december right after christmas he told me he was having an affair. No need to tell you how I felt you all have been there. I took a step forward and started taking care of me again, I lost 30 pounds and did a lot of things for me. But still the thing with the OP kept going.
I realize now that ever since I fell in love with him everything was a given. When I saw e-mails, text messages and phone messages I just could not believe that he would let anybody treat him like that. I was in shock, because have never spoken to him in a way that could be offensive and I certainly don?t think he would accept it from me. We have 3 kids and as far as I can tell the affair went on for 2 years before I found out. That was when our little doughter was 1 year old. I tried all the possible advices and he kept saying that leaving the OP was a proccess, until I ran out of patience and told him that for the first time in my life I was thinking of leaving him.
He knows me, and he could tell I was being very serious. I don?t threat. It was like a cold shower I think seeing the possibility so real started the change. Nevertheless he still talks to her, and calls her everyday. I said everything I had to. I told him it hurts to know that she is somehow in my life and he started going about me trying to make him do things he did not want to etc.etc.
So the thing is, even though he says I?m the one, and that he loves me, and even though our sex live is better than ever. I haven?t cost him enough. I agree with Evan, you have to be you. Nobody deserves that you diminish your self, and it is hard because if you let people use you, you are to blame too.
I don?t know if our marriage will survive this, it is hard not to replay the movie in your head. It is hard to stop hurting. And it is hard when you know that the OP is not completely aout of the system.
I?m trying a new strategy, I can?t do the girls night out thing because it is hard for me to find somebody to leave the kids with. But I?m not answering the phone at once, like I used to. Sometimes I say I forgot it at home. During the day while the kids are at school I take my own time and I just switch out. I stopped being the problem solver, the don?t worry I fix it or I do it if you don?t have the time.
I figured how much things does he do that he can?t find the time to solve his problems? I run a house, a bussiness, 3 kids and still find time for his things and for beeing all nice and willing when he gets home…. There is no way he does more than me. I just make things to easy…
So you should have it if you earned it, that should be the way. The more secure you are, the more forgiving and patience, the more you will hurt. And the sad thing is that even a great love dies from this. I still love my husband, but not the same way. I hope that if things improve I will get to a similar state as before. But the lack of trust and the disappointment is a very high mounting to pass.
One year ago I couldn?t see my life without him in the picture. Today I see myself less dependent every day and with him in the picture only if the set of rules are right for me. Otherwise I reached the point where I rather be alone.
Thanks for making me feel that I?m not alone.
Shennie,
My heart breaks for you. Please do not give up! No one will “step up” for your kids like you will. No one can fill the void of a mother. If nothing else you have to be strong for them until you can be strong for you. He is not worth it!! You need to find a group to belong to. I joined a women’s group at church with women my age and made a lot of new friends. I also volunteer at my kids’ school and meet other mothers. You have to get out there and if the beer isn’t helping, then leave it alone. When I first found out about my husband, the pain was sooo overwhelming I just wanted it to end in any way possible-just end. But I pushed on, joined a gym, volunteered, worked part-time, took my kids on mini vacations. At first, I felt like I was just going through the motions, but gradually I got stronger and felt better about myself, inside & out. Just don’t quit!! keep going no matter what. There’s a book I read by Stormy O’Martian called “Just Enough Light for the step I’m on”. It helped tremendously. I wish you all the best!!
Darnelle,
Be careful about the tape recorder. It’s illegal in many states. I thought sure my husband was no longer seeing the OP until I discovered something that made me suspicious so I put a tape recorder in his car and boy did I get an earful!! I had found another cellphone hidden in his car. I knew if I approached him about it, he’d have said, we’re just friends and I hid it b/c I know you don’t like her. So I taped him. They obviously weren’t “just friends”. But beware, knowledge is costly. Even now I can hear his voice echoing in my head telling her what he likes to do to her. It’s hard to forgive & forget and 11 months later, it’s still hard to forget. But if you must do it, go to Best Buy and get a digital voice activated tape recorder. Don’t put it near the floor b/c all you’ll get is engine noise. And DO NOT get caught! Best of luck to you but trust your gut and only do it if you’re prepared to live with hearing the things that are said.
B.J. – yes I did read your earlier post but not until after I had written mine. Trust me, I completely understand where you’re coming from. Yes, the doubt is always there. My husband HAD to go to the mall Monday night & get new clothes & conveniently left his cell phone in the car for 45 min. so he was unreachable and what do you know, he didn’t find anything to buy. Maybe that’s true. 2 years ago I wouldn’t have thought anything about it. Now, I don’t really believe it. Not going to worry about it though b/c if he is doing something, it will only continue to escalate and he will get caught and then I’ll leave and find someone I can trust and be with. If he’s not doing anything, then he will concentrate on our marriage and we will get better. Every day it get a little bit better but then I’ve been fooled before. Time will tell. But it does sound like your wife is truly sorry and is really trying. I do hope you give her a chance to prove it. I know- she didn’t give you a chance. Thanks for your advise. It is well needed.
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE
I am having trouble dealing with a habilitual liar/cheating husband. We are coming up on the two year mark since my husband has been with the OP. I have recently filed for legal separation and wanted to speak with a lawyer about changing it to a divorce.
I found out my husband was cheating on thanksgiving, 2005. Since then I was very naive and believed everything he was telling me (though inside I felt that something was off). I ended up getting pregnant within a couple months and went through the most painful moment of my life being pregnant with our child and him not being there for me. I begged him to be there with me for the birth of our child and he refused saying that he made plans which he couldn’t cancel. I was so hurt that didn’t want to be there for the birth of his child that I called his sister and cried on the phone to her and I think she talked some sense into him. He ended up cancelling the plans, but I found out later he planned to go to Hawaii with her on vacation to one of her friends weddings.
We had a beautiful baby girl who is 8 months now. I recently got access into one of his email accounts (without his knowledge) and found messages that he has been sending this woman. One of which was dated on Aug 1 2007–the day our daughter was born. He told her how much he loved her and how she is “the one” for him and how he planned on taking a lifetime to show her how much he loved and cared for her. Also I found another email that showed one of his plans for 2008 was to go engagement ring shopping with her. I also found out that he told her we got divorced last year and he send her a phoney document as “proof”.
A few days ago he came ringing my doorbell begging for me to accept him back. He has been lying to me for the past 2 years. He told me he had broken up with her (which I was able to confirm based on a followup email he sent apologizing for wasting 2 years of her life). He has been staying here with my daughter and I and I found out her sent her another email recently stating again that he was indeed divorced and that he had documents to prove it and bascially trying to create a “way back” to her or leave a door open for the possiblity. He doesn’t know that I know and he ended up changing the password to his email so I no longer have access. I asked him to access to it and insisted that if he refused to give me access, he was again hiding something from him. He denied it at first but then admitted that he had written to her but refused to give me access stating that our relationship was fragile and he knew if I read what he had written to her I would’ve love him/want him anymore. I was insisting that I don’t want any secrets and that he needed to be open with me. He wanted me to wait and show me later but I told him I didn’t want him deleting emails and showing me the ones that he could pick and choose. He was begging me all last night to please not ask him for access and just to move forward from this point on, but I told him I couldn’t do that and he ended up going home.
I am torn. I still love him, but he has lied to me so many times, I can’t trust him. I feel like if I choose to stay this may happen again. He will tell me he’s not happy. Treat me cold again. And my daughter will be old enough to see it.
He insists to keeping his recent email a secret from me. If this is the way he wants to start working on rebuilding our marriage, then the question is, can this really last.
When we started dating, he already had a girlfriend that I found out about later. She called me and we had a long conversation. That should’ve told me something right there…lol…but I ignored the signs that continued to pop up even while we were dating.