This person did and what she discovered turned her stomach.

Be prepared for what you might discover.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was selfish. I wanted to see who this person was, not only looks but personality and really wanted to know for my own need of knowing what kind of person would fall for such nonsense. What I did was invite her to my daughters home since she was lied to so she can see the family unit that she was helping destroy, and in return would see that we are real caring feeling people.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Well I found out lot of information most of which I hated hearing. She told me how they met etc, their plans for the future and many of the lies he told her. The outcome left me ill.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Well I was so curious, it was eating at me to know. So would I do it differently? Probably. I learned that nothing good could ever come out of any of this.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Curiosity is common. What are you seemingly up against? One of my live coaching audio tapes, 19 Infidelity Coaching Sessions, deals with this issue: “Competing with a blond bombshell.” And underlying need may be to affirm one’s attractiveness and desirability. And, that is understandable. Many express relief when they discover that the OP does not fit his/her inflated fantasy.

2. Don’t assume that if the OP meets you and/or your family that they will be impressed with your feelings, caring or whatever it is you want to show them. They are often too wrapped up in their own needs or fears.

3. Be prepared for what you might discover. Some of it may not be very pretty. Indeed, it may upset your stomach. Give that thought before you dive in.

Do you feel it? Do you think it? Do you plot devious scenarios in your mind to “get even?”

Do you express it? Do you keep it buried deep within? Does it come out around the edges - short with children, loved ones, kick the dog, etc?

Are you fearful of expressing directly to your cheating husband or wife the intensity of your anger/rage? …Fearful that your anger/rage will only inflame the situation or drive him/her to the other person and away from you?

Does your anger/rage wear away at you, internally? Do you suffer physical symptoms of this internal churning? Have you noticed the tightness in your muscles, in your body? Do you feel the knot in your stomach? Do you experience other physical discomfort as if your body is crying out to you for some sort of relief?

What to do with the rage, the anger???

Well, watch this video and leave your comments. Do you approve of this means? Do you find it humorous? Do you find it cathartic? Do you wish it is something you could do? Do you think it’s harmful? or helpful? Have you done it? If so, what has happened.

I’m not suggesting you do this. However, watching it might enable you to touch that anger in you and decide how best to cope with it.

Or…. you might just get a good laugh out of it…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I thought they were just phoning each other but I wanted to know the inside story so I called him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He told me ” I did your wife.” He tried to create that wedge between us. It did not work. I knew it was he who sought after her due to the numerous incoming calls and the fact she called me several times afterwards due to guilt. Our relationship is stronger now. I am going to stop working away from home and stay home to watch for these predators. He wanted to move in and take over my home.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes. I would stay home and work in our area and pay more attention to her activities and callers. She was just curious and found out there are vast numbers of cheaters out their who prey on lonely women.

Coach’s Comments:

1. I wonder from where the curiosity emerged. What was behind that? My experience tells me that many who had little sexual experience before marriage at some point experience that curiosity. (I’m not condoning sexual experimentation before marriage!) That curiosity is fairly normal. However, it is one thing to have it and another to act on it.

2. His act of calling the OP seems to be an act of protection. He seemed to know that she was vulnerable and limited in her capacity to set boundaries. Does she somehow lack the internal mechanisms to set boundaries or is there a naivety regarding relationships, especially those with the opposite sex?

3. He seems to assume his role as protector and she also likes him protecting her. This balance and agreement in the relationship might work fairly well. However, it will be tested frequently. If the two of them have a conscious awareness of their roles, they could ward off future problems.

Listen to this video on why it is important to refrain from saying, “I Love You.”

I’ve taken some responses from those who have used my E-course, “Killer Mistakes that Prolong the Affair and Your Agony,” and have made significant shifts to that enable them to survive the infidelity.

Here’s the question I ask:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Used a powerful skill:

Honestly what I got out of the book was ” Charging neutral”. That has helped when I see my husband getting frustrated and angry!

gave me strategies that help me to move faster and start working on myself instead of trying to fix everything.

Was able to move on from a destructive relationship:

For the first time in 23yrs of my so called marriage , i have filed for divorce and know that i made the right decision.i feel good about myself and know what i want from a marriage.I feel i`m in control of my life and the e-course just pointed out all the mistakes i made ,by trying to fix and work on my marriage.It is tiring and been dealing with affairs since the start of my marriage.I now know i cannot change my husband who refuses to go for help,thinking providing is all he must do in the marriage.

Inner Strength:

This course had made me stronger

Realized I’m not alone:

that im not alone, that im not crazy, and that all the “common sense” responses i have are just not going to work.

It has helped to clarify things and let me know that what I’m going through , so many others are to. It helps to know that I’m not alone

It’s his problem:

I have realized that the affair was HIS problem not mine. No matter how I tried to pry before He always said HE was the problem not me. Now I understand he might be telling the truth and it took a load off my chest.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I called the OP for the reaction and to give the OP the information that not only are they hurting their spouses but the entire family with small children. The OP said she wasn’t aware of any children.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

During the conversation the OP denied, of course. They suggested we all three sit down for a conversation or a three-way phone call. I firmly stated that was not necessary or relevant at this point. The affair stopped shortly thereafter.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes, it was not the smartest move to confront the OP. My thoughts at the time were nothing ventured, nothing gained…but ultimately I stooped to a level I should not have. Basically, since I was not the party making the selfish mistakes I should have rose above their low moral standards. My path would definitely be take the high road and not to stoop to lower standards. It is not worth it in the end.

Coach’s Comment: It is common to appeal to the decency and sensitivity of the other person. Usually this is attempted by someone who holds to the values of decency and sensitivity to others. However, someone involved in an affair may not share those values or that sense of decency.

For example, be prepared for your appeal to backfire and accusations slung at you if your spouse is involved in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair. This seems rather obvious since your spouse is claiming that he is involved with another person because of the paucity of love in the marriage. You spouse and the other person most likely have talked about you in rather unflattering terms. You express to the other person, “Don’t you care about the children?” s/he (they) will respond attacking YOU for your perceived inadequacies as a spouse and

Appealing to decency may work best in affair #7: “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy,” affair #6 “I Need to Prove My Desirability” and affair #3: I Don’t Want to Say No.” In these affairs, you stand the chance of the other person holding to some values of decency. But… I wouldn’t give it a better than 50-50 chance.

Confronting the other person means giving energy to the triangle (you, your spouse and the other person.) This holds the chance of energizing their relationship. Stating your concerns and values - your position - clearly and using charging neutral, and then withdrawing offers possibly the best strategy for success. Again, the type of affair often dictates the intervention.

1. When and why did you decide to do this exercise?
>>>It helps me focus on what I want
>>>As soon as I read the e-mail I wanted to do the exercise to start healing
and understanding
>>>I decided to participate in this survey because the invitation arrived this morning. It’s better to do these first thing in the morning before I get caught up in my working day.
>>>Because I have seen failed relationships and was devastated.
>>>My marriage needs to change. At the current state we are stuck in a unfufilling and deceitful relationship.
>>>we are a work in progress-always looking for something new to help
>>>I don’t want to let go of 20 years of relationship and 14 years of marriage. I am old fashioned, I believe in values

2. What happened? What positive changes or shifts took place?

>>>I feel much more confident about myself
>>>Alot has happened over the winter. My spouse has returned home and is actively participating in the restoration of our marriage. We are now participating in the Retrovaille program being offered in our area. It is an amazing program. It helps you to think about things you wouldn’t have thought of before and helps you to find your own answers in the context of your marriage issue.
>>>I became completely independent, especially from the people in my family who were downright mean and harmful. Slowly I have built a healthy, happy life for myself and my son. I have also learned to know people better, to realize that my reactions actually worsened the infidelity and am a stronger person because if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
>>>more communication
>>>My attitude, to change myself versus my partner, which brought a better impact on him, but I more focus no on my wellbeing………looks like he benefits from it too.

Q&A:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To inject some reality into the fantasy that they were building. I met the other woman and asked her what her intentions were toward my husband. He had been pretending that they were “just friends” (no sex), but as their meetings had been going on for 5 years in secret and they couldn’t live a day without texting/emailing multiple times, this was super-fishy.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

This creature’s first sentence was, “I don’t have feelings for your husband any more.” For someone who was married and had two little children, and was “just a friend” of my husband’s, that she admitted having “feelings” for my husband was a (small) surprise. That she wanted me to think, “well, I don’t want him any more, you can have him back now that I’m done with him” was certainly not a surprise. She had never allowed our families to meet, to let an actual wholesome friendship develop. It was all about, could she seduce one of her stable of a dozen married, drooling mid-life dupes into flattering her ego by leaving their wives. That I had been very ill and had suffered a bad car accident simply allowed her to show off in front of my husband in her lycra outfits at the gym on the excuse of “helping him be a better athlete.” She proceeded to tell me how their “relationship” was so “hot” that she had had to call it off, it was affecting her marriage and she’d had to go to marriage counseling with her husband, her children, etc. (Never a thought for how it might be affecting me, of course.) When I told my husband she’d said this he was very upset that she’d said SHE had to break up with him, he wanted me to believe HE’D broken up with her. He was nearly in tears that she’d said this. I had trouble not laughing. I told her my husband’s true financial position, and that whoever wound up with him would have his debts, and my alimony to pay, and he would need their help. She certainly didn’t like that, but didn’t believe me, and kept contacting him, even later that day, ostensibly to ask him “how (your wife) was doing.” As if she cared. Well, I was ok with my husband admitting that it had been an affair, and that he was very sorry he’d hurt me…Right up until she called him at work to tell him that everything she’d said to me, she hadn’t said. He saw an opportunity to make me wrong and switched his line to, “You made this all up to make me look bad, what kind of a wife are you? I can never forgive your deception.” Alice Through the Looking Glass. The poor OP was even jealous of a third woman in his life that he was also courting at work. I followed my attorney’s advice not to leave the house, and my husband saw and had to admit that I hadn’t made up his 5-year romance, or the other women, what with all the evidence and admissions, etc. So he promised me he would end it and sent me his “final” email to the hussy, saying a “friend would never do what she had done” blah, blah, blah, only to fall into her arms “accidentally” at her place of employment a month later. A month after that, he asked me to rededicate our marriage and promised not to see/communicate with her anymore, and I accepted him back. He then kept on seeing/emailing/texting/calling her until she finally gave up. Her attempt to use lying to drive a wedge between us didn’t work, but it certainly exposed the weak underbelly of my husband’s ego. His excuse? “She admires me more than you do!” I have to laugh. He hasn’t forged her signature on everything from tax documents to loans and caused her foreclosure, poverty, ill health and betrayal in many arenas of life. If he had, she would admire him exactly as much as I do, and he’d have to go find someone else to deceive to get his narcissistic fix all over again. Players deserve each other, but she got away. If he’d only find a rich one next time, I’d let her buy me out.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
That I married a narcissistic, weak man. I paid the price for learning what all that was. I couldn’t do anything differently, as I was too ill to leave. I’m getting stronger now, and who knows what the future will bring? Your website certainly gave me strength and made me feel not so alone and not at fault. It still hurt a very great deal, but I know that, like many who have been betrayed, it’s the betrayer who is most at fault, who actually commits the act that is most cruel. Those of us who suffer these “slings and arrows” must learn to protect and value ourselves and to build a life that has no room in it for people who have criminal standards about keeping their vows and promises. We can take responsibility for our futures, and never put it in the hands of another. We can make it good for ourselves, no matter what they are doing, in some small way that’s just our own. Crazy people are pathetic. And liars are all crazy.

Coach’s Comments:

I may be wrong but, the majority of her story strikes me as a “I Don’t want to say no” affair.

He, the narcissistic male, needs more than an adequate share of adoration and someone to mirror back to him his grandiosity.

The spouse’s intervention in confronting the other person seemed to work well. The truth was exposed and the husband and wife could go from there.

However, here’s a warning. The spouse implies that that he had a series of problems or failures that he failed to mention or cover up. The narcissistic person becomes most vulnerable when s/he fails.

Interventions of confronting the other person may work at this point because of his vulnerability.

My experience tells me that confronting the cheating spouse in the “I Don’t want to Say No” affair where there is as good dose of narcissism AND the narcissistic person is not suffering humiliation or failure has a far less chance of succeeding. Extreme denial, disdain and rage may emerge from the cheating spouse.

There are no details on the extent of his sexual addiction, but applaud him for seeking treatment. I would assume his sexual addiction was at the point of severely eroding his life.

Infidelity and extramarital affairs can contain components of sexual addiction, although not all infidelity is based on sexual addiction. I describe an affair type (#2) as “I Can’t say no” (found in my ebook: Break Free From the Affair) which displays sexual addiction.

Here are a few characteristics:

1. Sexual activity is often frequent and diverse. For example, porn, multiple sex partners, strip clubs and serial infidelity are ways of acting on this obsession.

2. Sexual addiction is tied to fear. There is the the fear being discovered, the belief that one is “abnormal” and the fear of losing family, marriage, vocation, and reputation.

3. Sexual addiction is usually characterized by a promise/failure cycle. After the sexual behavior the person usually experiences guilt/fear and internally and/or externally promises, “No more.” However s/he again drifts toward the sexual acting out behavior. Life is like a roller coaster with a series of broken promises.

4. True intimacy is rare. Others become objects for personal gratification.

5. Sexual addiction can occur as one attempts to work out issues of sexual confusion and/or abuse stemming from his/her history.

6. A person sexually addicted often lives in a distorted world. The object of his/her addictions assumes an all encompassing magnitude. As the addiction becomes more ingrained s/he may “split” his/her world and seeming live a dual life.

1. What was the turning point(s) in your recovery? What part, if any, did my material (e-book, articles, site) play?

>>>>>The part of my recovery is when I stopped drinking over the situation and finally moved out on my own.

>>>>>To me, the turning point had a lot to do w/ the idea of realizing that I didn’t have to blame myself for my spouses infidelities. I also drew alot from you newsletter that discussed the reasons why certain things happened….types of infidelities, etc… made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

>>>>>A turning point for me was that through reading your site, and my therapist, I realized that I have power as the “queen” of my family. I decided to stay in my marriage and try to work it out. I know that the affair had nothing to do with me. Even if my husband says I did, I know that he is not capable of reflecting on his own actions. He is a narcissist and I do not go along with his crazed reasoning. Another turning point was when I realized what life would be like if I left, (splitting the week with child custody ). I am still trying to deal with him, but most importantly I know that the affair was all about him and his insecurity. He needed a BMW , a woman on the side, and took out his anger on me. It blew up in his face when the other woman wrote a letter to me! It’s been a few years now , and I sort of feel sorry for him. He can’t relate to people and it extends into the rest of his life. (business, personal).

>>>>>One of the things that has helped me more than anything was reading in your material that the feelings I was experiencing was normal. I didn’t feel that they were because they were so powerful and so confusing, but sometimes I would read from passages written be people in my same shoes the exact description of how I felt. That made me know that I was not alone and more importantly, I was NOT losing my mind. I am still in my journey to find my way back to normal, so please do not stop the good work you do.