Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.

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Interesting, but don’t get carried away with this theory. What comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Check out Dr. Roher’s blog post at http://droherpsychotherapy.com/blog/marital-infidelity-part-5/

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Overcoming infidelity takes a lot of work.

According to the video, there are five questions you should ask yourself to find out if your marriage can survive:

1. Do you have children?
2. Have the good times outweighed the bad
3. Do you have common interests besides sex?
4. Can you both truly forgive?
5. Can trust be restored?

What would Dr. Huizenga disagree with in this video? Please leave your comments below.

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Charging neutral is an oxymoron. How can one CHARGE – more forward forcefully – and still be NEUTRAL.

The power of charging neutral lies in that seeming contradiction.

In the first case study below, of someone who intentionally used the power of charging neutral, please note particular themes.

1. Charging neutral is moving away from trying to attain particular results. Charging neutral is NOT results oriented.

2. Along with that, charging neutral keeps you focused on the present moment. You focus on what is happening in that moment. Your mind is not anticipating your next phrase or word or worried about his/her next response.

3. Charging neutral occurs when you move beyond your personal neediness in that moment. This is a tremendous challenge since, for most of us, our neediness runs below the surface of our lives and unknowingly controls our actions and responses.

4. Charging neutral means we learn from each encounter in the affair, whether it is emotional infidelity or a sexual affair. We become curious about who we are and how we respond.

Case Study:
My husband has been involved in a “I can’t say NO” type of affair. This summer he moved back to our town and out of her house (that was in another town). All in hopes from what he told me to work on rebuilding our relationship and get relationship help. Well as of Oct 1st he allowed her to move into his place here in our town. He didn’t have to come out and tell me. I knew from his actions and lack of communication on the subject what was going on. It’s been over 2 yrs now and I am just plain emotionally drained and can’t take this yo-yo emotional roller coaster any longer. After the weekend he came over to talk and cried about how ashamed he feels and lost about his life and the decisions he has and is making. I charged neutral…because I just plain don’t care about the outcome any longer. I am working on being his friend and supporting him to get counseling and the help he needs to find himself and the strength he needs to decide what he wants for his life and future. It’s been a long hard process to get to this point. So I learned that I don’t need him anymore…yes I would like to keep our family together but it is a nice want but no longer a need. That shifted my attitude to neutral and I feel it has shifted him too. He’s getting help to deal with this emotional hold she has on him and working toward ending it with her and we’ll see where that takes us. But I know now I will be okay with or without him in my/our life.

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There’s a desire to know: How bad is it? What am I up against? They need to know
about the relationship. What’s this relationship like? What is it about and what’s
happening in this relationship that hasn’t happened with us?

Those are some typical underlying questions that a person wants to get at. Or when
they say, “I can’t get him or her to talk, ” they want to pull from him or her some
kind of assurance, some kind of affirmation, some kind of hope that the marriage,
perhaps, is still intact – or that, at some level, there’s still a desire for the
cheating partner to, perhaps, look at rebuilding the marriage. So those are
typically underneath the question: How do I get him or her to talk?

Let’s look, briefly, at reasons why the cheating spouse clams up or finds it
difficult to talk. First of all, the cheating spouse may be suffering from guilt or
shame. One part of them may feel terribly badly about what’s happening, and so they
believe that if they start talking to you about it, they’re going to be scolded or
somehow made to feel awful about what they’re doing.

Another reason a cheating spouse may clam up is that s/he is not a very good
communicator. S/he is not very good at disclosing or engaging someone in effective
communication.

And a person then says to me, “Well, they obviously have good communication going on
in the affair relationship. Why can’t he or she do it with me?”

And I typically reply by saying, “Affair relationships have very, very poor
communication in reality.”

And they say, “What?”

And I say, “In essence, communication in an affair relationship is based upon
building up the illusions each have.” So it’s not really effective communication;
it’s communication that each wants to hear to build illusions of who he or she
thinks he or she is.

Another reason that the cheating spouse my clam up is that you may be a better
communicator. You may be verbally more precise or more sophisticated. Your partner
may feel like he or she is one down to you; and therefore, may feel inadequate in
terms of engaging in communication with you, or may feel trapped communicating
because there’s a sense that you’re one up.

Here are some tips of how you can open the lines of communication.

Briefly, I have three tips.

Number one is: Never ask a question. I’m not going to get into the reasons for that
right now, but rule number one is: Never ask a question.

Instead of saying, “Will you pass me the potatoes?” say, “I want the potatoes.” Now
think about that and try to apply that to your situation.

Rule number two: Never use the word “you” when talking to your spouse.

This is extremely difficult to do, but it ties into rule number one. Never use the
word “you”. Instead, you want to make short, declarative statements, which get at
the truth. That will be your most powerful communication, and then you wait and see
what kind of response your spouse will give to your declarations.

And remember that if your partner was not a good communicator or talked much before,
he or she probably is not going to talk a great deal now.

In that case, you might have to be aware of body language. Notice body language
closely or the various types of non-verbal communication, which give cues and clues.

Getting him or her to talk is a very complex situation, but three rules, again.
Never ask a question. Never use the word “you”. And pay attention to body language
if you can’t get anything else.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=get+him%2Fher+to+talk%3F

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Here are two examples of charging neutral in action:

My husband likes to party at the beach with his “friends” who happen to be girls in their mid to late twenties. He is in his mid fifties. He knows I do not like it. He needed to spend the night and he said he would stay at one of the girls’ houses. I said, “That’s not appropriate,” and walked out of the room. I came back later and said, “If you want to go to the beach, go ahead. I don’t want you to stay home if you don’t want to.” I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and did not say anything more about it. My tone was level and matter of fact. The next day he decided not to go.

When I had been in a car accident and didn’t recover instantly, my spouse justified dating by, of course, “the marriage made me do it” reasoning. “My girlfriend can do things with me that my wife can’t. She admires me for all the athletic things I can do that my wife doesn’t want (!) to do with me anymore, etc.” When he screwed up our taxes by filing a joint return and faking my signature on it, making me liable for his immense taxes, which I could never pay, this was too much. He also kept saying he had cut off communication with the woman and I found evidence that he had not. When I asked him about this, he said, “She admires me more than you do!” I simply said, “You haven’t done her taxes, have you?” And he said no more about it, and their association began to get some reality into it and after a few more truth-seeking expeditions, was evaporated.

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Imagine coming home to find out you’ve been thrown under the bus by a parrot! Yes, a parrot.

That’s what happened to Suzy Collins when her bird loving boyfriend, Chris Taylor, was informed of his girlfriend’s infidelity by his African grey parrot, who began squawking the words, “I love you, Gary.”

So, I guess the only advice I have to give after reading this article is…If you suspect your partner is having an affair, you might want to get a parrot.

For more on this story go to http://www.boingboing.net/2006/01/17/parrot_reveals_a_wom.html

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According to the video, this woman’s husband claimed he would stop sleeping with his secretary is his wife lost weight and got breast implants.

The video takes a comedic turn when Dr. Gina Barreca argues that the woman showed admirable restraint by ONLY running over him twice. She goes on to explain that most women would have taken a number to run over him, and that she will most likely have woman waiting with balloons and fruit when she is released from prison.

Check it out…

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The affair was his or her decision in the first place. He or she chose to have an
affair. And it must be his or her decision to stop the affair, not yours.

Let’s take a look at this scenario. If you had the power to stop the affair, if you
made him or her stop the affair, what would you have? You would have someone who
would be with you because they had to be with you, not because they wanted to be
with you. And of course, who wants that?

But you can influence the course and the progression of an affair. Let me explain
that a little bit more. I would say about 80 percent of the people that I talk to
who are having the affair – the cheating spouse, the cheating husband, the cheating
wife – 80 percent of those know that the affair is not really what they want.

Most of them know that the affair is not going to work out in the long run. Most of
them know that they are on the slippery slope of self-destruction, and they see it
happening frequently. And most of them know that the affair relationship is
temporary. It will only last for a certain length of time. This is especially true
for types of affairs, “I want to get back at him or her”; “I need to prove my
desirability”; and the third kind, “I fell out of love and just love being in love.”

Those affairs are temporary and the person involved in the affair typically knows
that it is temporary. So 80 percent of the people out there having an affair,
really, one part of them doesn’t want to have it. So what you can do is you can
employ very subtle, very indirect methods of influencing the course of the affair
and the progression of the affair.

And I outline things that you can do in my e-book, “Break Free from the Affair”; I
take each of the seven kinds of affairs that I outline, and provide strategies and
tactics for each kind of affair. Once you employ these strategies and tactics, you
can influence the direction of the affair, not directly but indirectly.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=stop+affair

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