There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

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There have been plenty of cases where the one involved in an affair did not tell his or her partner about it, and have never been discovered. This should tell you to make yourself aware of any signs that could point to your partner having an affair. The most basic of all is a change in habits and behavioral patterns. You could be sensing that something is “off” or “out of character” with your partner but not be able to say specifically what it is.

Although trust is a very important aspect in any relationship, you should be a little cautious when you notice that something is different with your partner, and be brave enough to confront him or her about it. A change in behavior may not always mean that he or she is having an affair, but there still is that possibility.

Educate yourself and understand that there are different kinds of affairs – why and how they start, what it means to your partner, and how your relationship affected his or her decision to go through with it.

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My first C.O.P. webinar will be tomorrow, Thursday, 9/30/2010 at 5:00 EST. Throughout the course of this webinar I’m going to introduce some ideas I have on confronting the OP as they relate to the seven types of affairs that are outlined in my e-book, Break Free From the Affair.

It was always a question of mine, “Should a person confront or not confront the other person in the affair?” I really didn’t have a strong feeling about that. I guess my major thought was, “No, that probably isn’t a good idea…it’s probably just going to stir up a hornets nest.”

However, I didn’t have much material or enough information to back up this thought. I didn’t find much research on the subject, mainly because it’s something that’s hard for people to talk about.

So, I sent out a survey to my readers on C.O.P. and I asked them to relay their experiences. I got 400-500 stories back from people about either confronting or not confronting the other person, what happened, the disasters and the successes. It was a tremendous resource for me to go over those stories and look at people’s experiences.

For some, the experience was very positive and rewarding. For others, confronting the other person was a complete disaster. I took all the stories and began to organize and think through those stories and underlying reasons.

What I want to do in my first workshop is look at the 7 types of affairs, and whether or not it would be a good idea or problematic to confront the other person.

Go ahead and sign up for my webinar. It’s free, and I will have some goodies to share with you for signing up.

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One of those who signed up for the webinar emailed me two emails he sent to the other person. He is more than willing to share these emails with you, with names omitted.

The wife reconnected with someone she was engaged to and continued to email, text and Facebook.
This is the husband’s first letter to the OP.

Please leave your comments below. Give your impressions, what you learned, questions or concerns. Refrain from harsh criticism or effusive praise. We are here to learn from each other.

The first email:
(Name of OP….)

We have never met but by now you know everything about me and my life with (wife’s name) and the kids. As you know we are going to counseling starting today. It has been a tough 10 days for me as I search myself and ponder everything that has brought us to this point. (Wife’s name) does give you credit for speaking up and saying something to me about our relationship. For that I thank you.

However, I am asking that you now step back if you can from (wife’s name) as we try to heal our relationship. I love her more than I have ever shared. I have never been unfaithful to her and yes….I have had some episodes where I have said some mean and inappropriate things to her and the family. I cannot make excuses but I know that I need to re-program my mind to live in the moment, seek some stress counseling, and become a better husband.

(Wife’s name) has shared some devastating news with me in regards to her feelings towards me and in order for us to move forward I cannot have her emotions clouded with feelings or thoughts towards you and your past relationship. I know you and (wife’s name) were very close and I frankly do not have a problem with you being friends or even having lunch together in the near future….but only after our situation is healed.

(OP’s name)….from what (wife’s name) has told me it appears that you do not have any design on her. However, I fear that she has become emotionally attached to what could have been and I cannot believe that it is healthy for you and her to continue such in-depth phone conversations…..over 35 hours in 2 months. When I saw that today I was devastated and in trying to get (wife’s name) to open up with me all week I had a hunch there was more to this entire situation.

I write this email taking a chance that if and when (wife’s name) finds out, she will not feel I have overstepped my bounds. However I feel compelled to contact you and give you my perspective because you are such a large part of this situation.

I have no idea what will happen with the counselor. I do know that (wife’s name) has focused on much of the negative, yet there is so much more to our previous 22 years together as we have built our family. I can only hope and pray that she begins to focus on some of those times too.

(OP’s name)….I thank you for your time and I hope at some time we do meet. I believe we would get along well, at least (wife’s name) has always said that.

Thank you again.

(huband’s name)

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You can find his first letter here.

Please leave your comments, questions, insights and concerns below. Remember, we are hear to learn not to be dogmatic. BTW, for those of you who have read Break Free From the Affair, which of the 7 types of affairs do you suppose this is?

Second email:
Hi (OP’s name) ….hope you are well.

It has been almost 4 months since I last communicated with you. However, as a husband, father, and man….I am touching base with you one more time in order to clarify my thoughts, requests and intentions.

I am asking that you keep this between you and me.

As you know (wife’s name) and I have challenges which we are still working through. However, they were complicated by her reconnection with you. The original communications between you and (wife’s name)…even you would have to admit that 37 hours of phone calls, 2200 text messages (30 – 40 a day?), and numerous other emails, etc. in a 9 week time period was more than excessive. If you don’t believe my stats, let me know, I can send you the phone records. I don’t know how (op’s wife’s name) your wife would feel about that, but from any vantage point it was not even close to appropriate. If you think that your connection with (wife’s name) was “just friends”, feel free to Google the term Emotional Affair or Emotional Infidelity for an eye opening experience.

The bottom line…..I am asking you to please do yourself justice and focus on YOUR relationship with YOUR wife and children without involving my wife and family any further. Your personal problems with your job and wife should be dealt with by you and you alone. “Forever and Always” needs to stay in the past….not further tag lines on emails to my wife. Sure….I get it….fond memories of an old flame are normal….but they need to stay in the past as memories. You “let her go” once before and I’m sure that you can do it again.

(OP’s name)… my hope is that you respectfully decline or at the very least severely limit any future communications or pre-planned and “accidental” meetings with my wife. You can do it in a kind, compassionate, yet respectful manner. Keeping things professional and above board. But…further contact with (wife’s name), the sharing of intimate relationship details/problems, and other interactions is not healthy for ANY of us. Focus on your family and their future….they need you now more than ever and I will focus on mine. I respectfully advise you to do this in the hope that (wife’s name) and I can regain trust in one another and recover what any dignity is left in our marriage. I do not know your current relationship with (op’s wife’s name)….but I cannot believe she would not be hurt, upset, and betrayed by your actions, conversations, and involvement with my wife.

This should not be some sort of Romeo and Juliet situation with the allure of forbidden contact. We are not teenagers or college students…..this is real life and the decisions we make….actions we take ….all affect our families and children. It is not a harmless game.

Please take the high road on this.

I ask again that you respect my position on keeping this between us and I will respect the same position with you.

I wish you well with your life. Should you want to respond I will be receptive.

Thank you.

(husband’s name)

P.S. I asked my reader, the wounded husband, to fill me in on what happens. Might be interesting!

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It’s also an opportunity for the relationship to move to another level of depth and
richness and intimacy and joy. And it really is, I believe. You may not believe it
right now, but believe me, it is.

I’ve seen hundreds; perhaps thousands of people move to that level and use
infidelity as an opportunity in a springboard for something better in their life.

So let’s take a minute then to reflect upon how you can break free from certain
patterns in your life.

Imagine yourself three months from now. Who do you want to be three months from now?

Imagine what that would feel like, for you to be who you truly want to be three
months from now. What would you be saying? What would you be doing?

Take some time with those questoins. Three months.

Now go a year.

Imagine yourself a year from now, being the person that you truly are, being the
person that you truly want to become. What would that feel like? What would that
look like? What would that be like?

Now let’s ramp it up a notch, and go five years from now.

What do you see for yourself five years from now, being the kind of person that you
truly want to be? Again, what would that feel like? What would that look like? Take
some time with those questions.

Now go to your relationships.

What kind of a relationship would you like to have three months from now? What would
it feel like? What would it be like? What would the interaction be like? Imagine
that; live in that. What would you be doing in that?

Who would you be in that relationship three months from now? What would that feel like?

And again, go ahead a year from now.

What would your relationship like to look like a year from now? What would be the
dynamics of that relationship? What would you be doing with each other; what would
you be doing in that relationship? What would he or she be doing with you?

Then again, take that ahead five years from now.

What would it be like, being who you really want to be, the relationship being what
it truly is meant to be? These are important questions to ask.

Again, what are the patterns that you would like to break free from so that you and
your relationship can become truly who you want to be and truly what it’s meant to
be?

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Infidelity happens. It happens and it feels like the end of the world, doesn’t it?
It can be devastating. The feelings are indescribably intense. The images and the
negative thoughts consume a person for hours, for days, for weeks and sometimes for
months.

The process takes two to four years for normal people to heal, to reconcile, to
forgive and move on.

For those who research, read and study and approach the infidelity intentionally, a
shorter period of time is the result.

There’s a huge investment that’s asked of us when we encounter this demon called
infidelity or an affair.

So let’s think about this a minute. Let’s think about the fact that infidelity is
given to you or happens to you.

Let’s put this in a theoretical framework.

This framework for me, at least, says that life is not problem-free.

Life is filled periodically with times of transitions, times of change, times of
trauma, times of death, times of crisis of various kinds.

We can’t escape it. We try. We work hard not to go there, but I believe that life
offers us and our relationships times of intense challenge, change, transition,
trauma and crisis. A child dies. A person gets sick, cancer, heart attack or is
disabled. Debilitating events pop up and emerge.

You can’t escape. You can’t get away from those kinds of events, and they always
continue until the point of our death.

So where does that leave you and leave you with the infidelity in your life? This is
a challenge to you.

I want you to see infidelity as a gift. That’s right.

Infidelity can be an impetus for you to evolve and develop into the kind of person
you are meant to be and that you truly want to become.

And as well, infidelity can help a relationship evolve and become fully what it’s
meant to be – a deeper, richer relationship.

Infidelity is a gift.

What are you learning about you?

What are you learning about relationships?

Give some thought to those questions.

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As a matter of fact, it is the question that you should ask before you consider any
kind of an intervention or employing a stragegy.

If you don’t ask this question, your interaction with the cheating spouse will be
perceived as either manipulation, coercion, or extreme neediness. And that’s very
unattractive.

First, ask yourself, “Do I truly want to be married to him or her?”

Most people say, “Sure, I want to.” But hold on, not so fast.

Let’s look at some of the underlying issues that this question may bring up for you,
that will stimulate your thinking, and help begin looking at vital issues in terms
of managing you and the affair.

Let me pose these questions.

Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her, or are the feelings of hurt
and pain so intense that you just want them to go away?

Do you really want to be married to him or her? Do you really, truly want to save
the marriage, or do you long for how it used to be? Is that more important to you?
Do you long for the memories that you have, and hope that those can be somehow
restored?

Do you truly want to save the marriage; do you truly want to be married to him or
her? Or do you feel like a failure, and are embarrassed, and by saving the marriage
or being with him or her, you hope to reclaim your lost ego and pride?

Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you miss the old roles? Now the
marriage is in chaos; there’s confusion. Do you miss the stability and the old roles
that seemed to fit very well?

Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you want vindication against
the other person? Do you feel like you’re competing, and must be married so you can
prove to the other person that you’re better than he or she?

And do you truly want to be married, or do you hope that this will just get over so
that you can end the pain that you feel?

You must examine look the underlying issues.

Then you will be ready to effectively, and with power, confront yourself and
confront the relationship and work toward healing and reconciliation if that’s
truly what you want.

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“What am I tolerating; what am I putting up with, and how long do I put up with
that?” is also considered when one thinks about reconciling with a cheating husband
or a cheating wife.

“If we get back together, if we have a workable relationship, what again am I going
to tolerate or put up with? And for how long?”

These are very, very important questions.

Most of us tolerate way, way, way too much.

Most of us are fearful of taking a stand. Most of us are fearful of drawing a line,
fearful of what might happen if we draw a line.

But when we do draw a line, or when we do take a stand, other people, in my
experience, respect that and admire that, and wish they were like that.

So how much do we tolerate? How long do we tolerate it? And how can we move out of
tolerating too much or putting up with too much?

Here’s an exercise that will get you on the road of learning how to get rid of the
tolerations in your life, live a freer life, and make you much, much more
attractive.

Get a piece of paper and pencil.

Make a list of the top 10 things that you are tolerating at home, in your
environment or at work. What are the top 10 things that you are tolerating in your
home, or at work, or in your environment?

Just write quickly, those things that you think about when you think about what
you’re putting up with in that environment.

Second, make a list of the top 10 things that you are tolerating or putting up with
in terms of yourself: I’m too passive. I’m too angry. I’m too aggressive. I’m too
depressed. I weigh too much. My hair isn’t right.

What is it that you’re tolerating or putting up with in terms of yourself?

Third, take another piece of paper and write down the top 10 things that you’re
tolerating in your relationship.

I’m tolerating a rollercoaster relationship. I’m tolerating a boring relationship.
I’m tolerating an angry relationship. I’m tolerating and putting up with a
relationship in which there’s a lot of distance. I’m putting up with a relationship
in which there’s no sex.

Make a list of the top 10 things that you’re tolerating or putting up with in your
relationship.

Fourth, make a list of the top 10 things that you’re putting up with or tolerating
with him/her.

What does s/he say, or s/he do that I must tolerate?

List the top 10 things, and then begin working toward ridding those tolerations. Go
back to the first list; it’s probably easier there to begin eliminating some of
those tolerations.

Once you eliminate the toleration, notice how you feel.

Notice what happens in your environment.

Begin at list one, go to list two, list three, and list four, and begin the process
of putting up and tolerating less; taking a stand and making yourself more
attractive.

Then see what happens in your relationships and see where your decision making
process takes you.

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