Cheating Against Infidelity: Is There Really A Difference?

How do you define cheating against infidelity? Is there really a difference between the two? Or do they mean just one thing?

In the course of over twenty years of working with thousands of people who experienced having an affair, or experienced their partners having an affair, there was a difference in society’s understanding of cheating against infidelity meant.

So for most people, there is a distinct difference with cheating against infidelity, and cheating is worse than infidelity. They view cheating as something that’s more strongly associated with the “I don’t want to say no” type of affair from the seven types of affairs in the e-book by Dr. Huizenga, while the other six are more of infidelity.

Cheating, mostly, is described by the stereotypical view of how extramarital affairs are seen. A cheater, for example, is someone who constantly has affairs, usually with multiple partners, and does not see anything wrong with it.

Infidelity, in the other hand, is associated with confusion, pain and doubt, where a person is having a hard time going through his or her affair because of guilt and a sense of shame for doing what he or she is doing.

Cheating, therefore, is for someone who chooses to have an extramarital affair without any regard as to how it will make his or her partner feel. And infidelity is for someone who, for one reason or another, feels compelled to experience a relationship with another person who isn’t his or her partner. These are the major differences that people see when it comes to cheating against infidelity.

So if you suspect your partner of having an extramarital affair, or even when you know for sure that he or she is having one, how would you know which one it is? How do you differentiate cheating against infidelity, and know for sure which on your partner is going through?

Seeing as how these things have different meanings, it will, of course, follow that cheating against infidelity will have different signs or clues in how they present themselves as well. You will be able to notice little differences, and you will be able to pinpoint whether your partner is cheating or involved in infidelity.

So what are these signs?

Check back for our follow up blog post to find out everything you need to know about cheating against infidelity!

Marriage and Relationships: Romance is Not What It Used To Be

One of the biggest factors that causes affairs in marriage and relationships, especially that of the “I fell out of love… and just love being in love” type, is romance. And here are some of the reasons why:

1. People use romance as a way for them to meet their personal needs. They want to be acknowledged, to be cared for, to feel special, to feel like they are important and so on, so they look for someone who will do that. Romance should not be used as a tool to feel somewhat validated. Letting it lead you and the decisions you make will only take you from one person to the next without any satisfaction.

2. Romance has become idealized in movies, books, TV shows and other things like that as the ultimate experience in intimate relationships. It is depicted as the basis of a strong and lasting relationship, the basis in choosing the person you should be with. They show beautiful people in a beautiful relationship, and who wouldn’t want to have that?

3. Romance is a way for people to feel good – about their life, about themselves – and they expect to feel good whenever they pursue romance. They want that high you get when you’re with someone new and they expect it to last, but it never does because their basis for being with that person is for an immediate fix instead of a lifetime goal.

4. And lastly, romance is an excuse that a lot of people use for sex. Having chemistry with someone doesn’t indicate that you two should have sex, it doesn’t even mean that you should be together, but most people would see this chemistry as a “spark” that should be pursued and so they pursue it.

Romance has lost its true meaning mostly because we use it as an excuse to satisfy our immediate wants and desires. If you want true romance, look into yourself and be more aware of the things that bring you real happiness and accept yourself for who and what you are.

Tiger Will Cheat Again

Tiger will cheat again.

OK, I promised not to write about Tiger again. But, it’s been probably over a month since I last blogged on his situation.

After getting 2-10 Google alerts on Tiger each day, I can’t resist. And, after all, I’m entitled, am I not?

Here’s my take…

“They” say that Tiger suffers from a strong streak of narcissism. We all have a little narcissism in us, but when it becomes overpowering and directs most thoughts and actions, we have a problem.

Let’s assume Tiger has a healthy (or unhealthy) dose of narcissism.

His sexual acting out would fit nicely into affair #2 of my 7 types of affairs, “I Don’t want to Say No” – after all he felt he was entitled, which is a hallmark of overblown narcissism. He deserved his fun times, right? (Please read the sarcasm.)

Is he sexually addicted? To a degree, most likely, and if so, would fit into affair #3: “I Can’t Say No.”

But, from what I read, for whatever that’s worth, #2 probably fits better. And making the distinction between these two types of affairs is crucial in treatment and any interventions on the part of family, friends, clergy, therapist, etc.

(Please know, without interviewing Tiger, I’m treading on thin ice here. I’m not a know-it-all. The main purpose of this conjecture is to teach about infidelity, using Tiger as an example.)

Fully blow narcissistic people are like M1 Abram Tanks. They drive around seemingly impervious and exceedingly powerful. No way will they lose. They get what they want and expect others to serve their needs. They expect others to mirror back to them there greatness and virility.

And, yet the tank is filled with marshmallows. A gooey amorphous emptiness dwells within. The narcissistic person lacks an inner compass based upon standards, values and purpose that gives meaning beyond him/her self. And without this, the narcissistic person feels extremely empty and hallow.

The narcissistic persons fears that this emptiness will come to light – that s/he will be “found out.”

And so they continue to merrily roll along, running over others (Tom Watson had some comments on Tiger’s lack of golf etiquette), ignoring the needs of others (Elin) until one day…. they are found out.

They are “outed” when they fail or something in their world comes crashing down (Elin had the courage to confront him and expose his narcissistic behavior, and take away his family.)

Once exposed the narcissist feels tremendous humiliation. The emptiness emerges. usually it is only during these times of humiliation that the narcissist expresses remorse.

But, and here’s a big but, the remorse lacks substance – since the narcissist lacks true empathy for others – and is often a ploy to “get others off his/her back” calm things down, so s/he can return to the narcissistic behaviors and illusions s/he has about him/her self.

Confessions often have no staying power. (Perhaps this is why so much is written recently about whether Tiger’s confession was “sincere.”)

Bottom line: Confession may be foreign to him. Apologizing is for others. Tears and remorse are used to get what s/he wants.

Once this infidelity crisis “blows over,” once he gets back on the golf circuit, once the fans begin to adore him for his golf prowess, once he gets used to seeing his children every other weekend (or whatever the arrangement), once sponsors begin courting him again, he will return to cheating.