I Want to be Close to Someone: A Confusing Type of Affair

“I want to be close to someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)” is the seventh type of affair discussed in the ebook Break Free from the Affair.

In this type of affair, there is generally a lot of confusion. A lot of people who are going through this type of affair say, “I don’t know what to do. I’m really confused. One minute he says he doesn’t want me, and then the next minute he wants to work things out. What do I do?”

All the confusion from this type of affair comes from two things: the pain from discovering the affair, and the confusion he has about what he really wants.

Upon discovering your partner’s affair, you usually react by thinking that you want nothing to do with him, that you don’t deserve to be treated that way, and that you want out. But when your partner shows signs that he regrets what he did and he wants to try to work things out with you, you change your mind and think, “Maybe we can make this work.”

This is the hallmark of this type of affair. Because your partner is confused about what he wants, and about who he wants, it usually becomes a dragging kind of situation where both him and the other person are stuck because you don’t know what to do. A part of you pulls you in one direction – to leave him and start over – and another part of you pulls you in another – to stay and try again. And all the confusion comes from not knowing which part of you to follow.

Getting out of being stuck will take a lot of reflection and self-evaluation. You will have to decide on your own, without any regard to what your partner wants, what you want to do and where you want to go. It is the only way you will stop the confusion of this type of affair.

Healing After Infidelity: Is Trust Possible Again?

Discovering that your husband or wife cheated on you, and making the decisions that will make healing after infidelity possible, can be one of the most difficult times you can experience. And the one issue that almost everyone goes through when this happens is figuring out if they are capable of letting this betrayal go and trust their partner again.

They always want to know whether they can go back to the way it was before the cheating happened and be able to trust their husband or wife the same way, or if they will be paranoid and cautious about what everything their partner is doing.

Making that choice of healing after infidelity and staying in a marriage to rebuild the relationship and the trust that was shattered is a difficult one to make. And there are plenty of things that you need to take care of within yourself and within your relationship before you can be able to make this decision.

The first step in healing after infidelity is always to look into yourself and understanding and realizing what it is that you want to happen in your life. Envision your life, and look at where you want it go and who you want to be with then you get there.

What would it mean for you to trust your partner again? What would it require of you? What would it require of your partner? What are the things that you need to happen for you to be able to trust your partner again? What are the things you think you need to make healing after infidelity possible for you? And what changes do you need to see in yourself before you can be able to do that?

Think about these things and once you’ve figured out the answers to these questions, communicate them to your partner. Talk about what you need from each other, and once you’ve done that, decide whether you can provide each other these needs. If you decide that healing after infidelity and staying together to work things out is what you want, then both of you need to make a conscious decision and effort to do everything you can do to restore the trust you lost.

But always be mindful of what is happening in your life at the moment as well. Don’t just focus on healing after infidelity and providing what your husband or wife needs from you. Always pay attention to your present and trust your instincts. Do not put your pain and suffering at the core of everything you are doing. It may not be easy, but this is what you need to do.

Make clear decisions on things that you will and will not tolerate when it comes to your partner. Be aware of what is going on in his or her life, and how it affects you and the marriage you are trying to rebuild. Set limits. And let him or her know what those limits are. Most importantly when it comes to healing after infidelity, stick to those limits.

Emotional Affairs: What Are the Clues?

What do you need to watch out for when you suspect that your partner is having an emotional affair with someone?

The following is a compilation of information gathered from the comments on the newsletter received by our subscribers – men and women –  who have experienced and observed the changes in their partners as they went through emotional affairs, as well as from their emails and responses to the various articles and blogs posted on our website.

And here is what they had this to say about clues to emotional affairs:

1. My husband started coming home late a lot. (This is one of the most common clues of emotional affairs.)

2. Our sex life changed. It wasn’t what it used to be.

3. We started having fights and arguments over little things.

4. I noticed that she pulls away when I try to kiss her or touch her.

5. She started to make more of an effort with her appearance and clothing for work.

6. Another common clue of emotional affairs that almost everyone experienced: He would get phone calls late at night and he would always answer them in a different room. The calls usually lasted for hours.

7. He set up a password on his computer, and there were files that I couldn’t view.

8. My wife always had excuses to get out of the house, usually at nights and during the weekends.

9. He suddenly started to work more and more, or always had a work-related outing he had to go to.

10. I was shocked when he said all of a sudden that he “cares for me a lot but isn’t in love with me anymore.”

So have you experienced any of these things recently from your partner? Or is he or she doing something else that you just find odd? What other clues of emotional affairs can you add to the list that you think is important and that people have to watch out for? And what should you do when you notice these changes from your partner? Don’t hesitate to leave your comments or thoughts.