Infidelity Help » Surviving Infidelity

The Key to Saving Your Marriage: Identify the Type of Affair

Jan Stevens — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:00:32 +0000

Having had plenty of experience with couples and individuals going through extramarital affairs over the past two decades, Dr. Huizenga has classified 7 different kinds of affairs. While most affairs arise from a perceived inadequacy from the marriage, there are some that are caused by a personal conflict by the offending partner.

There are some people who feel some kind of entitlement in having the perfect partner, and tend to move from one person to the next in the pursuit of that. There are also those who are so in love with the idea of being in love that they neglect actually working on their relationships to stay being in love, and look for that feeling elsewhere instead.

Another type of affair could be caused by a partner’s need for revenge for some reason. It could be because of something you did or something you did not do. It could also be caused by anger of some sort over a conflict you had.

Some tend to engage in affairs to kind of affirm their desirability, not always to other people, but most of the time to themselves. And there are those who are confused about the balance of intimacy and distance, and tend to look somewhere else for help in that area.

Whatever the reason is behind your partner’s infidelity, understanding it will be the key in discovering and developing the right approach in your pursuit to save your marriage.

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Infidelity: Taking Away the Juice

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:00:33 +0000

Charging neutral takes place when you refuse to play any games. You refuse to buy into the old patterns that created confusion, angst and destruction. This is often what is taught in marriage counseling.
In the case study below, note how charging neutral took away the “juice” that his spouse and the other person were obviously receiving from his participation in the triangle. As well, the man, in attempting to deal with his cheating wife, rediscovered his personal power.

Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.

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Have you Had an Affair with Tiger?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:39:15 +0000

There is a problem in our culture with hero(ine) worship.

We look at that someone (usually an achiever and/or charmer) and wish we had what s/he had. Sh/e’s got it and we want it. S/he’s got and we don’t have it and think we probably never will have it, but it sure drains off some of the tension by watching him/her have it.

This “hero(ine)” we don’t know personally. There is a persona we know. But, that’s about it. (I suppose tabloids make a ton of money off us… as we try to get to “know” this hero(ine.)

We idealize this hero(ine.) We believe that being next to this “hero(ine),” adapting his/her mannerisms, wearing his/her jersey, or using his/her brand of golf club will somehow at some level make us more “complete.”

Many marital affairs are like this. The other person is idealized, not truly known. The cheating spouse believes that being with the other person will give him/her what she is truly seeking. The other person is the answer! The other person is the hero(ine.)

Eventually, the frailty of humanity emerges, the hero(ine) is exposed and the great disappointment settles in that this person also, is not the answer to my internal emptiness, confusion and lostness.

So, I say, be done with hero(ine) worship.

The only hero(ine) is within you… somewhere. Your power, the essence of who you are, your gifts, your ability to see beauty, your capacity to care, your desire to love and your desire to live this life with it’s moments of pain and moments of joy…that’s the hero(ine.)

I wonder what our lives and our world would be like if our journey consisted of uncovering, embracing and allowing that inner hero(ine) to emerge?

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Healing From Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:11:10 +0000

Healing from infidelity is a process. I ask my readers periodically what is important for them in the healing process.

In asking those who read “Break Free From the Affair” to respond, I received these comments:

>>>>I also appreciate the considerations about whether or not I want to save the relationship. There is definitely a common underlying tone between ALL the types of affairs that helped me understand the weaknesses of my spouse. The selfish behaviors, governed by my spouses internal issues helps me feel a little better about myself – I know her affair wasn’t my fault but now I have a better sense of “why”.

>>>>It helped with empathy for myself and my husband. It also made me realize that we both make our own choices and must suffer the consequences. The questions also helped me identify where I was stuck.

>>>>it helped clarify the type of affair my husband is having (seems like a mix of a few types) and gave some real examples of how to proceed, and not be stuck. It is also very clear now to me that I need to start working on myself, and understanding my needs.

>>>>It made me realize that the patterns and behaviors I am seeing and going through myself are normal and that I am not alone. It also gave me hope that my marriage can be saved.

>>>>Gained clarity as to what happened and why.Gained confidence and self-esteem.Assurance that I wasn’t crazy or responsible for the whole situation.

>>>>Gave an outline of what to expect, like a path.

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Infidelity: What are the Patterns?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:20:43 +0000

Here’s a video on a question you SHOULD ask yourself when you discover the infidelity and move through the healing process: “What are the patterns I observe?”

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Infidelity Is Opportunity to Learn

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:09:14 +0000

Yes, affairs do happen.

You probably never thought in a million years that it would happen in your marriage, but you are there.

Here’s a question you SHOULD ask yourself… to help you heal and recover: “What Am I Discovering About my Self, Others and Relationships?”

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THE Question that MUST be Asked

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:13:58 +0000

When discovering infidelity in a marriage there is one important and first question that must be asked.

Not asking this question and attempting to answer it honestly often slows the healing and change process.

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What Type of Affair Is It?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:45:16 +0000

You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.

Trying to influence the direction of an affair with strategies and tactics that are appropriate and designed for another type of affair is worse than futile. You efforts may cause more harm than good.

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What If S/he Continues Seeing OP?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 14:10:56 +0000

What do you do if your spouse, with the affair exposed, continues seeing the other person?

Ambivalence often rules.

Get tips on how to verbally confront the ambivalence.

But, first start with THE question.

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Will You Trust Again?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 13:00:34 +0000

In my video series on surviving infidelity I answer the question, “Will I ever trust again?”

There are a couple ways of looking at this question.

You may be thinking: “will I ever trust my cheating spouse again?”

Or, another component: “Will I ever be able to to love again?”

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