There are some people who feel some kind of entitlement in having the perfect partner, and tend to move from one person to the next in the pursuit of that. There are also those who are so in love with the idea of being in love that they neglect actually working on their relationships to stay being in love, and look for that feeling elsewhere instead.

Another type of affair could be caused by a partner’s need for revenge for some reason. It could be because of something you did or something you did not do. It could also be caused by anger of some sort over a conflict you had.

Some tend to engage in affairs to kind of affirm their desirability, not always to other people, but most of the time to themselves. And there are those who are confused about the balance of intimacy and distance, and tend to look somewhere else for help in that area.

Whatever the reason is behind your partner’s infidelity, understanding it will be the key in discovering and developing the right approach in your pursuit to save your marriage.

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This important question is answered by some of my readers who express what was helpful for them in recovering from infidelity:

>>>>I clearly identified what kind of “cheater” my husband is and feel a great sense of relief as well as strategies on how to approach him accordingly. I also am clear about how to take care of myself in a natural and strong way.

>>>>I learned what behaviors I should exhibit. I learned what behaviors I had been doing that were making things worse. I got a sense of what type of affair (in my wife’s case, just an emotional one thus far) my wife was having and what that meant for her psychologically.

>>>>My wife had a #6, she needed to prove her desirability. Your book, which I now suggest to everyone in my situation, really nailed her personality type and issues related to the affair.

>>>>I actually feel a little better because it seems like such a practical tool for how to deal with my husband on some of these issues.

>>>>I have some guidance to use. I have only just started using them but feel that the charging neutral is one of the best tips I have received.

>>>>It has helped me understand what is going on in my husband’s head.

>>>>Identifying the type of person my spouse is and applying the strategies was very helpful.

>>>>It helped me understand the odds of saving my marriage based on the type of affair my wife is having. As a result, it gave me the strength to move forward with my life without my wife and it also gave me pointers of what not to do. Finally, it helped me understand that there is a ~70% chance that my wife’s affair / relationship will end in failure.

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Here’s a question I presented to a reader and the response:

1. What was the turning point(s) in your recovery? What part, if any, did my material (e-book, articles, site) play?

When I realized that there was nothing I could do to get him back. I tried most of your suggestions but apparently he was to far gone. The words “if you love something that much sometimes you have to let it go” and I did and from that day forward I was able to move on in my life. I did however come to realize that I’m a very nice person who is often taken advantage of and in that vein I tried to help someone who took advantage of me and was abusive towards me in the end. Without hesitation when I got to the end of my rope I cut him free, quickly and cut my losses. In do so and spending a few months alone and even toying with the idea of getting back together with my ex I realized that ex was never going to change and I didn’t want a lifetime of lies and cheating. When my head cleared I was blessed with meeting the most wonderful man on earth. We have been together a short period of time but the lessons I’ve learned from you will certainly help me with communication, openness, forgiveness and trust. Thank you for those invaluable insights. My future looks bright.

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>>>I have gone through the pain, and attained better emotional stability. And now i am giving my husband a last chance to improve, also planning a healthy break-up if he does not give any assurance to change himself. Sometimes I feel he has sexual addiction.

>>>Trying to see the big picture and be the only one to work on improving the marriage. By charging neutral, not reacting with my communications, I have kept our marriage afloat. My husband has dropped legal dissolution, and our communication is better than it ever has been. Like you said, make the marriage better than ever.

>>>My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for 2 months. He has left 2 times and always come back (we have 4 small children) your insights helped me realize what I was going thru and what to expect. I think we are finished now but I am still wondering what we’ll be up against.I often forward your emails to him. The most telling one was the most recent about therapy-it was us to a tee. He participated only to have an out and say it didn’t work.

>>>The course made me see the mistakes I have been making and showed me the depth of my pain, worded my feelings and, sadly, made me feel “one of the crew” of unhappy people to whom this has happened. It made me feel better, too, to know that many other people had experienced the same terrible emotions, insecurities and doubts and got through them, hopefully, for good. So I immediately ordered the book and now, three months after I found out about my husbands affair and passionate love for the other person I stopped crying every day, he stayed, says that he wants to work on the marriage and I think about the next course for my less-than-satisfactory life and marriage. I’m also now quite capable of thinking about divorce without crying and see it as something that won’t break me if it happens. Thank you.

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Now, some families and friends can handle such a crisis in the marriage of someone close to them, but I believe that is rare. Side-taking and knee jerk advice to protect a person from hurt and pain is often the first response. And, this response is not helpful.

Here are 3 case studies of those recovering from infidelity:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

I read the part about not getting family and friends involved over and over to keep me from calling my friends and just dumping on them. I am so grateful, now, because they are not angry at him and I am able to re-establish his ties with friends and relatives now that he’s ready to come back into the circle. I also put all my books away and stopped asking him to understand how I “feel” and expecting him to read things that explained affairs and how they damaged marriages.

the first time I subscribed to the E-course I could not take in much of the information. I believe I was too traumatized. I actually had “monkey chatter” or “white noise” in my brain. It was extremely painful. Now, many months later, I re subscribed for the E-course, and it was like seeing the info for the first time. I wish, wish, wish, I could have had some get right in my face a full year ago, and tell me the info in this course… and I wish wish wish, I could have heard it. I do not know if my marriage would be saved or not. But now… I feel I am at the nearly too late point, with a husband who is only considering divorce, divorce, divorce. I feel hurt by his actions. And yet, I know it is not me. FINALLY I understand this, thanks in part to your work, and the fine people on the infidelity chat board you host.

It help keep my marriage together.Especially the part not to get family and friends involved No one knows except my brother and he found out six months after I did.No one else and I am so thankful..your site and book saved me.It was the best book that I could relate to and the best part was when it is not my fault but issues my spouse had and was going through.

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For those who learn and embrace the challenge, it takes much less time.

Here are some comments from those who are learning:

It is helpful to know that you are not alone, that many, way too many people experience this horrible horrible pain. It is true, though, you do need to better yourself for you and only you. It is very hard to let go, but it is nice to know that you can recover and come out better for it. I have only just begun my recovery, but ever day even though it’s just baby steps, I feel a little stronger. I try to keep busy and stay positive. I know now that there is better out there for me, even if it means facing the future alone. I have accepted that it was he that stepped out of our marriage, not me. I am accountable only for my own behavior. I can change no one but me. I wouldn’t want to change anyone else! They will have to answer for their own behavior and injustices. I feel a little stronger and a little more positive everyday. Thank you, you have been an inspiration.

I’ve learned that we have choices. We can either stay in a relationship where there is no trust, or we can get out.. Too often we are made to feel like it is our fault that our spouses had and affair.. The truth is it is not. They too had a choice to make and they chose to have an affair and when the get caught, they want to shift the blame and to justify their affair.. Learn to say it is their problem not yours.. Don’t take on their problem and make it yours. there is no relationship where there is no trust.

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Here are some shifts made in two case studies:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Everyone thought we were the perfect couple (including ME)and I never even imagined this could happen to US. I now know it can happen to anybody. I have learned that I am okay, and a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, and also, that no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. The course has helped me to realize that there are things I needed to examine and learn about myself as well as my husband, things I didn’t realize I was doing, especially with regard to taking my husband and his love for granted. Only, after having been married for 30 years, it is something we tend to do when we get comfortable, but I thought that was also part of TRUST. What I never expected was to get to this point in our lives, where the kids were grown and (it was supposed to Our Time) only to feel as if that magic carpet has been ripped out from under me. I am certain there were things I probably could have and should have been doing differently, but that ultimately, the affair was His Choice and that in the beginning (Discovery) I was much too hard on myself, and originally went out of my way to understand him, but have since come to a place of acceptance within myself– to try & change the things I can, the courage to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

I started the course at a time I was depressed and believing I had done all I could to save my marriage, and all effort had yielded no positive results. The course opened my eyes and I began to see some of the mistakes that I had unknowingly made like involving relatives, friends and seeking counseling from church members. These mistakes had actually isolated us as a family and had made us the subject of gossip among our “so called trusted colleagues.” After going through the 6 series (did not receive day 2 course, I truly agree with you that the discovery was the best thing that happened to us. Our communication has improved and we are more open with each other and are appreciating the character differences between us. We have started on a long journey of recovery from our past and we are moving together as a couple with less hurt.

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These three people share part of their journey and questions:

Case Study #1:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Knowing the type of battle i am facing, really put my mind into perspective. The first 2 weeks i was suffering terribly on what could have gone wrong with me, but this e-course really helped me enlighten that i may have done something wrong within the relationship, it was never and it will never be my fault that my husband had made bad judgments.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

my husband has had the affair for 2 years before i found out and at this point i was still wondering and would like to understand who he was during those 2 years, why did he stayed on for 2 years more with me, why he just he didn’t let me go from the moment he knew that his relationship with the OW was getting serious – why did he deprived me of the love & affection that i needed – it was so selfish of him. Yet, across all that had happen – i still love my husband.

Case Study #2:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has definitely helped me gather my thoughts, calm down and think rationally. It has been very helpful to read of situations, feelings, reactions and behaviors that have fit my own situation so well, and gives me hope that they can be worked through constructively.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

My wife was never a dishonest person, financial pressures and the hum drum of homemaking combining with the emergence of the old high school sweetheart created the perfect storm. Her relationship with him although limited pretty much to an ‘emotional affair’ has changed her significantly and this is difficult to deal with.

Case Study #3″

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has made me realize that I am important and that I did not do this to our marriage. Whatever was the cause of it…I now know that I need to be concerned with myself and to never let someone have such a hold over me.I am my own person and not just “his wife.”I am going to utilize this wake-up call in my life to benefit me and to eventually be at the point where I will feel that this was a “good thing” that made our marriage even stronger.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I know my husband had an affair. There is no question about that. I have lots of proof that it happened.But…..he has not formally admitted it to me. Which bothers me. I know that it has stopped because I can tell. He is being a perfect husband and “friend.” MY QUESTION: Will I be able to heal from this w/o a confession? Can the trust be repaired when he won’t confess???????

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