How does one go about healing the marriage or relationship when in the throes of infidelity?

The scenario below gives some examples. But, first, allow a couple comments need to be made about her words.

This person stopped a major pattern in the relationship, that of being reactive to him. As she said, she stopped slinging mud.

Slinging mud does no good. It invites either a counter attack, meaningless accommodation or withdrawal. Now, if one is angry, hurt, upset, you have every right to state your feelings and what you experience in your present situation.

But, from my experience, when in the middle of dealing with an affair, your spouse or partner has no capacity to empathize or listen the way you would like. Often you are wasting your breath.

Changing your pattern of behavior, changing your action can be much more powerful… but more difficult as well. ‘Cause sometimes you really want to rip, don’t you?

Also the type of response to your cheating spouse depends on the type of affair and severity of the dysfunction. In the scenario below, there was a kernel of connection between the two of them that was a starting point.

Here’s my question:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1. I just backed off. I listened about the other person and heard the areas where there was a void that was filled. 2. Since I didn’t do a lot of good things through this, I don’t sling mud over the transgression. This has helped a lot with opening the doors to meaningful conversation without arguments or sore feelings that would undue months of work. 3. I am in no hurry to fall back into old patterns. So when he is ready to come home, great. If not, then he can continue to stay in his apartment and we will just continue to date. Since he hasn’t expressed interest in seeing his son too much, am not forcing them to be together. We’ll work on us first then our son.

Here are some more comments about those who heal the marriage after infidelity:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1) We are making an effort to heal the wound by starting with “one” issue at a time. For instance “working together” was a huge problem for us. We made a point of finding one thing that would allow us to “work together”. Once we succeeded, we could feel the wall between us coming down. 2) In terms of trust issues, which is huge, my husband (the adulterer) made an extreme effort to keep me aware of his whereabouts at all times. In the past, he lied, didn’t return phone calls or answer his phone when he was cheating. Now, he lets me know where he is and that has helped me feel more secure and get closer to trusting him more.

We started listening to each other and talking with out anger. We started doing very simple things together like clean the house, make dinner, go out with our children as a family. We forgave one another for the transgressions.

1. No matter how bad it is, take some time every week to do something fun together. Agree that you are not going to talk about problems, just have a fun time. 2. When a conversation turns into an argument, don’t say anything about divorce. That is damaging. When you need to calm down, say “TIME OUT”, and walk away.

What do couples do to heal the marriage after the affair? One of my readers wrote what worked best for them:

First “I” sat myself down and asked myself if saving my marriage was what I really wanted or was the pain of the affair blocking my judgment. Second; We, my husband and I took a long drive to a park over looking a river. There we calmly listened to each other; step by step he reveled what happened and from there we began to heal. Third; it is now almost four years later, we are enjoying a new kind of life with each other, bought a boat we always wanted and a new home. We kept family and friends out of our process of healing; to much advice is not a good thing. This was the hardest thing I had ever done, still at times I feel like walking away yet I know it is only my ego that is hurt, he after all stayed with me not her. I had not begged or demanded for his return, I just kept talking to myself; who knows me better than ME?. After A four year affair, things have turned out to be a strange blessing, my husband and I have never been so interested in what the other is doing, it is pretty nice knowing he finally wants to know about my day. One last thing; DO NOT bring up the affair after you have had that long talk at your favorite place, get out all the questions you feel you need to know at that time and let the rest go……….if you don’t you wont be able to end the affair for either of you!