Here’s the problem: the wounded spouse has a need to talk about the affair. Her ex-cheating husband wants to “move on.”

The wounded spouse says, “OK, I guess I’m being selfish.”

However, the wounded spouse does set very clear boundaries, which spell out her expectations.

He begins responding more positively to her.

Her need to talk about the affair is more than a need to talk about the affair and have him squirm. She needs to feel empathy, concern and acknowledgment of her pain. Stating her need in that way, as her issue, her “problem,” he might have been more receptive to “listening” if he indeed has that capacity.

Give her credit: She did the next best thing: set those boundaries.

Here’s the case study:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

I’m not much of a goal-setter but I am happy to share what worked for me. I wanted my husband to “own” what he did and take responsibility for it. His response was, “the affair is over, in the past and I want it to stay there. I don’t want it to be part of my life anymore and I want to move forward.” I started thinking of why it was so important to me that he acknowledge the hurt he had caused and felt some pain himself; I fiinally came to the conclusion that my reasons were selfish and petty ( I wanted him to feel, in some tiny way, some of the immense agony I had gone through. He never can, since he didn’t experience what I did.) so I abandoned the idea of trying to make him do a “mea culpa.” You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t, and you can’t make them be resonsible adults if they never take blame for their own actions. They have to resolve that themselves, you can’t do it for them. Instead, I told him he must make a commitment to me and our marriage, and he must demonstrate that commitment on a daily basis. He has been doing so, in ways small and large over the last six months we have been back together. For my part, I don’t constantly remind him of he affair and I support his plans for our future together instead of saying, “well, we’ll see if we are still together then.”

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

My husband is a typical Virgo, very critical and not always the most diplomatic person and sometimes acts like a “jerk.” When his affair began, he got even worse with me, nothing I could do was ok, I don’t think I even breathed correctly. I realize now he had to put me down in order to make the OW look good in contrast. So I don’t take that anymore from him. Whenever he makes what I consider to be an unjustified criticism or negative remark, I call him on it, in a neutral way of course. I ask him to explain why he feels that negative way towards me and so far he has not been able to subsantiate his criticisms. I think it’s just a habit also to a degree, and it may be so for this woman. I stand up for myself and don’t accept behavior that is not taking our relationship in a positive direction. And I have noticed my husband has been giving me much more respect and affection when I do so.

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Read what this person says:

We let everything out, we talked…yelled…cried…but finally we were able to let each other know how we felt, and we found out that we were both so involved in ourselves that we didn’t even know what was going on with the other person. I had no idea that my husband was so unhappy, he got fired, started a job he hated and felt like I had pulled away, and that he was a failure. That’s when he started looking to have an affair, it started as just chat online and progressed from there. he started to blame me for everything that was wrong in his life, but keep his feelings to himself, I had no idea he felt that way. I on the other hand was so wrapped up in my job, which brought in most of our money, so I thought it was the more important than anything. And also with my friends from work, who made me feel great, I was always busy doing and going that I had no idea he thought anything was wrong, we both got wrapped up in ourselves. When I found out about the affair nearly killed us, it totally destroyed the relationship I thought we had, and for awhile we kept trying to go back, but finally we realized that we couldn’t go back, nor did I want to, now we are trying to moving forward, by building a new relationship, where we spend time together, and enjoy each other and our jobs come second, it is slow process. It still hurts, just not everyday..all the time.. now it’s once or twice a week, and with time hopefully it will become less. But the pain is harsh, it is almost physical pain and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I don’t ingore the pain, we talk about it sometimes or sometimes I just need to cry, because an affair is almost like someone died, to me it felt like it, the person I thought my husband was died, and so now I am with a new person and I haven’t decided if I will continue with him or not, I haven’t made a forever decision I did that once and it didn’t work, now I make a daily decision, so far it has worked for me. One day at a time, is all I can handle, we make plans but only a few months out, I can’t think any further than that. It’s been 2 years now and I have finally gotten to the point where I don’t always wonder if he’s being truthful or if he’s doing what he says he’s doing, the worst part of an affair isn’t the affair, it’s what your mind does to you after you find out.

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Baby steps… remember? Sage advice really.

And, how many of us in the throes of infidelity want to take “baby steps?”

Not many.

We want the pain to go away now and we want resolution now.

That’s not reality, however.

It’s the small steps that begin the process and build on each other. Read what this person says while beginning to delve into my ebook: Marriage Makeover:

“(we are just starting and he still knows nothing about this book or info) 1. The process has just started by my getting the book, and trying to gain the needed information, reading it, understanding the affair, and putting everything into perspective, trying to absorb all of the info and putting into practice the things that I learned and watching the results. 2. we took a vacation…. the op still tried to call his cell, but he ignored it…, but we just had fun and spent time…. “neutral” so to speak, just doing something different to see if we still enjoyed each others company or not…. We had a good time, part of it I would go ahead and go swimming by myself and shopping by myself, and just left him in the room. Or I did window shopping by myself so he could see that I didn’t have to be “attached” to him to have a good time… it helped me too… also, I stopped holding his hand instead I would just walk beside him. He started to reach out for me more often. I learned to not “expect” anything and to bite the sides of my mouth if I had to in order to be more control of what I really want to say… 3. my changed responses and reactions to his typical insults and rudeness did cause him to have to change his responses…. and actions. He doesn’t know that he is not the one in charge of the situation right now…. He still thinks that he is in control, but he is still so out of control and focus…. this does give me the strength I need to take care of myself and my daughter and to make a plan and decisions that I need… so as a couple we have a long way to go, but he has started to make future plans for “us”, like a 10 year commitment in a time share, a new security system that will take time to pay off, and up-grading our health insurance policies for better coverage… and talking about his possible upcoming promotion and the possibity that I may be able to work less and be home more… (which is one thing he really needs and that is for me to be home for him when he is off work.) Note * your information is right on…. while no one else seems to think that a marriage can be saved or worth it…. you and your information does offer another solution to choose from… thatnks… the things that I have tried do work… I still don’t know if it will work, but it is certainly worth a try…. I have already invested 16 years into this “relationship” and so why not try something new that might help… thanks for all you do.

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The scenario below gives some examples. But, first, allow a couple comments need to be made about her words.

This person stopped a major pattern in the relationship, that of being reactive to him. As she said, she stopped slinging mud.

Slinging mud does no good. It invites either a counter attack, meaningless accommodation or withdrawal. Now, if one is angry, hurt, upset, you have every right to state your feelings and what you experience in your present situation.

But, from my experience, when in the middle of dealing with an affair, your spouse or partner has no capacity to empathize or listen the way you would like. Often you are wasting your breath.

Changing your pattern of behavior, changing your action can be much more powerful… but more difficult as well. ‘Cause sometimes you really want to rip, don’t you?

Also the type of response to your cheating spouse depends on the type of affair and severity of the dysfunction. In the scenario below, there was a kernel of connection between the two of them that was a starting point.

Here’s my question:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1. I just backed off. I listened about the other person and heard the areas where there was a void that was filled. 2. Since I didn’t do a lot of good things through this, I don’t sling mud over the transgression. This has helped a lot with opening the doors to meaningful conversation without arguments or sore feelings that would undue months of work. 3. I am in no hurry to fall back into old patterns. So when he is ready to come home, great. If not, then he can continue to stay in his apartment and we will just continue to date. Since he hasn’t expressed interest in seeing his son too much, am not forcing them to be together. We’ll work on us first then our son.

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1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1) We are making an effort to heal the wound by starting with “one” issue at a time. For instance “working together” was a huge problem for us. We made a point of finding one thing that would allow us to “work together”. Once we succeeded, we could feel the wall between us coming down. 2) In terms of trust issues, which is huge, my husband (the adulterer) made an extreme effort to keep me aware of his whereabouts at all times. In the past, he lied, didn’t return phone calls or answer his phone when he was cheating. Now, he lets me know where he is and that has helped me feel more secure and get closer to trusting him more.

We started listening to each other and talking with out anger. We started doing very simple things together like clean the house, make dinner, go out with our children as a family. We forgave one another for the transgressions.

1. No matter how bad it is, take some time every week to do something fun together. Agree that you are not going to talk about problems, just have a fun time. 2. When a conversation turns into an argument, don’t say anything about divorce. That is damaging. When you need to calm down, say “TIME OUT”, and walk away.

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First “I” sat myself down and asked myself if saving my marriage was what I really wanted or was the pain of the affair blocking my judgment. Second; We, my husband and I took a long drive to a park over looking a river. There we calmly listened to each other; step by step he reveled what happened and from there we began to heal. Third; it is now almost four years later, we are enjoying a new kind of life with each other, bought a boat we always wanted and a new home. We kept family and friends out of our process of healing; to much advice is not a good thing. This was the hardest thing I had ever done, still at times I feel like walking away yet I know it is only my ego that is hurt, he after all stayed with me not her. I had not begged or demanded for his return, I just kept talking to myself; who knows me better than ME?. After A four year affair, things have turned out to be a strange blessing, my husband and I have never been so interested in what the other is doing, it is pretty nice knowing he finally wants to know about my day. One last thing; DO NOT bring up the affair after you have had that long talk at your favorite place, get out all the questions you feel you need to know at that time and let the rest go……….if you don’t you wont be able to end the affair for either of you!

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Here are what some couples do and find helpful in healing the wound:

Do things to make you feel good about yourself, whether it be associating with positive people who make you feel good about yourself, keeping yourself fit, picking flowers , appreciating the sunrise and sunsets… Having a wonderful little grandson who brings such joy to us as a couple and makes you realize that there is a lot to be said for continuance and history and moving on. Naturally the departure of the OP is a big help, particularly if the relationship ends on a sour note! My husband is not a talker and would run a million miles if I tried to but we have nice meals together in front of the fire with our old dog and nice wine and hold hands and I am in 7th heaven. Don’t have expectations that are too big and accept them for the person they are.

1. It is important to become a person with other interests, therefore attending outside activities. 2. You need to accept that it takes time to heal. 3. Keep busy and do not “visit” the place in your mind constantly.

Wrote letters to each other

Talk to a caring family member. apologizing to each other for what causes the cheating. Go out, talk about the days when we were courting and why we still love each other.

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Read these practical tips on how to heal the marriage after the affair:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

Wound STILL healing but holiday away together helped us. Text messaging each other just once a day with ‘how’s your day going’ type comment makes me feel like he cares again. Breaking out of our routine and being spontaneous – just going out for a weekday meal instead of arguing over who was going to cook it (and leaving food in fridge, chores etc when HE suggests it)

1. Talking about the affair. 2. Finding time to be together 3. Read your book and Dr Gunsburg’s books and articles.

Initially split and took time living apart to understand each other, “dated” during this period so we were not allowed to be judgmental. This helped us both regain our self confidence, and see what it was in each other that initially attracted us. When we got back together we allocated specific times when we could ask each other questions, sometimes hurtful, but we had to promise to listen and not be reactionary or judging.

1. Told my husband that our marriage was over, and that what we were working on is a new relationship. With all the expectations of any new relationship, and we have both put together a list of non-negotiable rules for the new relationship. 2. We each have a notebook in our bedside tables to list good/bad issues in, and we discuss them each Tuesday night, when we have a two hour break from children in the house. 3. I have learned to “bite my tongue” rather than become angry when he says he doesn’t know why he had an affair, that he has always loved me (!) and is sooooo sorry for what he did. It is just not helpful to tell him that if he loved me he would not ever have hurt me the way he has. I am learning accept that he doesn’t really know what he got out of the affair. 4. We accept that our marriage became bogged down in achieving material wealth (both of us), me helping our son who has a learning difficulty, running our business etc. Our relationship lost its romance and intimacy – and was not ever based on trust. I accept that no marriage will ever be truly happy under those circumstances.

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>>>>>Huges, a lot of hugs, no kissing or touching just hugs. Write letters to each other.
>>>>>Accountability; we both are held accountable for our actions. Communicate more. We make an effort to talk to one another throughout our day and when the work day is over. Admitting when one is wrong and being able to say sorry.

>>>>>I called and spoke with my husbands Other person. I checked his emails to her.

>>>>>I stopped talking about it. I tried making him feel really special. and I tried to always know where he was.

>>>>>We participated in a couple’s retreat – Retrouvaille – which is all about re-learning how to communicate and repairing the damaged relationship. Through this program, we have figured out the issues that led to the affair and completely rediscovered each other. I was ready to separate on Friday afternoon, but by Sunday night I was ready to re-commit and start to forgive. Our weekend was 3 months ago and we are still using all of the principles we learned. After 10 years of marriage, we are finally starting to get to know each other.

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1. When and why did you decide to do this exercise?
>>>It helps me focus on what I want
>>>As soon as I read the e-mail I wanted to do the exercise to start healing
and understanding
>>>I decided to participate in this survey because the invitation arrived this morning. It’s better to do these first thing in the morning before I get caught up in my working day.
>>>Because I have seen failed relationships and was devastated.
>>>My marriage needs to change. At the current state we are stuck in a unfufilling and deceitful relationship.
>>>we are a work in progress-always looking for something new to help
>>>I don’t want to let go of 20 years of relationship and 14 years of marriage. I am old fashioned, I believe in values

2. What happened? What positive changes or shifts took place?

>>>I feel much more confident about myself
>>>Alot has happened over the winter. My spouse has returned home and is actively participating in the restoration of our marriage. We are now participating in the Retrovaille program being offered in our area. It is an amazing program. It helps you to think about things you wouldn’t have thought of before and helps you to find your own answers in the context of your marriage issue.
>>>I became completely independent, especially from the people in my family who were downright mean and harmful. Slowly I have built a healthy, happy life for myself and my son. I have also learned to know people better, to realize that my reactions actually worsened the infidelity and am a stronger person because if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
>>>more communication
>>>My attitude, to change myself versus my partner, which brought a better impact on him, but I more focus no on my wellbeing………looks like he benefits from it too.

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