This case study brings up a contrast in strategies in how to deal with the aftermath of infidelity or an extramarital affair.

Here’s the problem: the wounded spouse has a need to talk about the affair. Her ex-cheating husband wants to “move on.”

The wounded spouse says, “OK, I guess I’m being selfish.”

However, the wounded spouse does set very clear boundaries, which spell out her expectations.

He begins responding more positively to her.

Her need to talk about the affair is more than a need to talk about the affair and have him squirm. She needs to feel empathy, concern and acknowledgment of her pain. Stating her need in that way, as her issue, her “problem,” he might have been more receptive to “listening” if he indeed has that capacity.

Give her credit: She did the next best thing: set those boundaries.

Here’s the case study:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

I’m not much of a goal-setter but I am happy to share what worked for me. I wanted my husband to “own” what he did and take responsibility for it. His response was, “the affair is over, in the past and I want it to stay there. I don’t want it to be part of my life anymore and I want to move forward.” I started thinking of why it was so important to me that he acknowledge the hurt he had caused and felt some pain himself; I fiinally came to the conclusion that my reasons were selfish and petty ( I wanted him to feel, in some tiny way, some of the immense agony I had gone through. He never can, since he didn’t experience what I did.) so I abandoned the idea of trying to make him do a “mea culpa.” You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t, and you can’t make them be resonsible adults if they never take blame for their own actions. They have to resolve that themselves, you can’t do it for them. Instead, I told him he must make a commitment to me and our marriage, and he must demonstrate that commitment on a daily basis. He has been doing so, in ways small and large over the last six months we have been back together. For my part, I don’t constantly remind him of he affair and I support his plans for our future together instead of saying, “well, we’ll see if we are still together then.”

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

My husband is a typical Virgo, very critical and not always the most diplomatic person and sometimes acts like a “jerk.” When his affair began, he got even worse with me, nothing I could do was ok, I don’t think I even breathed correctly. I realize now he had to put me down in order to make the OW look good in contrast. So I don’t take that anymore from him. Whenever he makes what I consider to be an unjustified criticism or negative remark, I call him on it, in a neutral way of course. I ask him to explain why he feels that negative way towards me and so far he has not been able to subsantiate his criticisms. I think it’s just a habit also to a degree, and it may be so for this woman. I stand up for myself and don’t accept behavior that is not taking our relationship in a positive direction. And I have noticed my husband has been giving me much more respect and affection when I do so.

Awareness of the other person is the beginning point for a healthy relationship. Sometimes an affair is a wakeup call for those who drifted apart.

Read what this person says:

We let everything out, we talked…yelled…cried…but finally we were able to let each other know how we felt, and we found out that we were both so involved in ourselves that we didn’t even know what was going on with the other person. I had no idea that my husband was so unhappy, he got fired, started a job he hated and felt like I had pulled away, and that he was a failure. That’s when he started looking to have an affair, it started as just chat online and progressed from there. he started to blame me for everything that was wrong in his life, but keep his feelings to himself, I had no idea he felt that way. I on the other hand was so wrapped up in my job, which brought in most of our money, so I thought it was the more important than anything. And also with my friends from work, who made me feel great, I was always busy doing and going that I had no idea he thought anything was wrong, we both got wrapped up in ourselves. When I found out about the affair nearly killed us, it totally destroyed the relationship I thought we had, and for awhile we kept trying to go back, but finally we realized that we couldn’t go back, nor did I want to, now we are trying to moving forward, by building a new relationship, where we spend time together, and enjoy each other and our jobs come second, it is slow process. It still hurts, just not everyday..all the time.. now it’s once or twice a week, and with time hopefully it will become less. But the pain is harsh, it is almost physical pain and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I don’t ingore the pain, we talk about it sometimes or sometimes I just need to cry, because an affair is almost like someone died, to me it felt like it, the person I thought my husband was died, and so now I am with a new person and I haven’t decided if I will continue with him or not, I haven’t made a forever decision I did that once and it didn’t work, now I make a daily decision, so far it has worked for me. One day at a time, is all I can handle, we make plans but only a few months out, I can’t think any further than that. It’s been 2 years now and I have finally gotten to the point where I don’t always wonder if he’s being truthful or if he’s doing what he says he’s doing, the worst part of an affair isn’t the affair, it’s what your mind does to you after you find out.

Ever see the movie, “What about Bob?” Enjoyable movie that I’ve taken a bunch of flak for over the years… in a good way.

Baby steps… remember? Sage advice really.

And, how many of us in the throes of infidelity want to take “baby steps?”

Not many.

We want the pain to go away now and we want resolution now.

That’s not reality, however.

It’s the small steps that begin the process and build on each other. Read what this person says while beginning to delve into my ebook: Marriage Makeover:

“(we are just starting and he still knows nothing about this book or info) 1. The process has just started by my getting the book, and trying to gain the needed information, reading it, understanding the affair, and putting everything into perspective, trying to absorb all of the info and putting into practice the things that I learned and watching the results. 2. we took a vacation…. the op still tried to call his cell, but he ignored it…, but we just had fun and spent time…. “neutral” so to speak, just doing something different to see if we still enjoyed each others company or not…. We had a good time, part of it I would go ahead and go swimming by myself and shopping by myself, and just left him in the room. Or I did window shopping by myself so he could see that I didn’t have to be “attached” to him to have a good time… it helped me too… also, I stopped holding his hand instead I would just walk beside him. He started to reach out for me more often. I learned to not “expect” anything and to bite the sides of my mouth if I had to in order to be more control of what I really want to say… 3. my changed responses and reactions to his typical insults and rudeness did cause him to have to change his responses…. and actions. He doesn’t know that he is not the one in charge of the situation right now…. He still thinks that he is in control, but he is still so out of control and focus…. this does give me the strength I need to take care of myself and my daughter and to make a plan and decisions that I need… so as a couple we have a long way to go, but he has started to make future plans for “us”, like a 10 year commitment in a time share, a new security system that will take time to pay off, and up-grading our health insurance policies for better coverage… and talking about his possible upcoming promotion and the possibity that I may be able to work less and be home more… (which is one thing he really needs and that is for me to be home for him when he is off work.) Note * your information is right on…. while no one else seems to think that a marriage can be saved or worth it…. you and your information does offer another solution to choose from… thatnks… the things that I have tried do work… I still don’t know if it will work, but it is certainly worth a try…. I have already invested 16 years into this “relationship” and so why not try something new that might help… thanks for all you do.