So, you’ve discovered your partner or spouse is having an affair?

And, if you are like most, you are in pain and find it difficult to function from day to day, hour to hour.

You wonder how you will survive and cope.

You wonder IF you will survive.

Over the years working with many many couples and individuals, I’ve seen patterns and themes. There is a predictable sequence of steps that most go through as they recover from infidelity.

This video outlines those steps and also gives research on the stage or step where most enter the recovery process.

What do you do? What do you say? Do you blast? Do you try to be nice and “win him/her back? Do you withdraw? Do you throw him/her out? Do you wait, hoping somehow s/he will come to his/her senses?

These are hugely important questions that impact the course of your healing and your capacity to change the flow of the affair, if indeed, it can be changed. You want your strategy to be well thought through and have the greatest impact.

You want no knee-jerk reaction that will dig your hole deeper, do you?

And, believe me, the answers to these questions are not clear cut. They are complex.

Let’s talk about waiting.

I had a coaching call with Sue (part of my audio tape series) in which Sue described beautifully the three stages of waiting as you cope with marital infidelity.

The first waiting is usually for your spouse to change.

You are hoping either that you will wake up and find that this was nothing more than a bad nightmare (part of the shock of discovery) or that s/he will see the error of his/her ways and become sane once again.

Typically, you focus on your cheating partner and/or the other person. That’s all you think about. That’s all you feel. It consumes you!

Now let’s be realistic here. If you have a marriage where you are invested, emotionally, financially, etc. it will be next to impossible to avoid this agony.

Yes, you will go off the deep end, a little; maybe a lot. You engage in most of the “Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair and your misery” I outline in my e-course. Your minutes are marked by confusion and awful pain.

And then you move to the second phase of waiting: waiting for you to be comfortable enough with you and the situation to do exactly what you need to say and do that will have the greatest benefit for you and the relationship. You get smart.

It begins when you learn that there are 7 kinds of infidelity. It begins when you discover what it was that drove your spouse to make such a horrible decision.

It begins when you discover that his/her personal characteristics match exactly the kind of affair s/he is having. It begins when you realize that it was HIS/HER decision and had very little to do with you.

It begins when you discover that you are not alone: a world of people share your pain and experience of coping with infidelity and have successfully designed new lives and relationships better than they had before.

It begins when you realize the huge reservoir of your personal power you want to unleash.

It begins when you intentionally charge neutral and experience those around you paying close attention to who you are, want you want, what you will and will not tolerate.

And then you enter the third phase of waiting: waiting for the infidelity process to work itself to completion.

From what you’ve learned about the kinds of infidelity, with great forethought and preparation, you begin to intervene.

You’ve determined the kind of affair you face and know what best to do and say. You act and speak with force. S/he truly hears you and you begin to see different responses, different reactions.

Knowing the kind of affair, enables you to set a time line. You have a rough idea of how long the process will take.

You are on the way. You continue to learn. You continue to adjust your words and actions to have their greatest impact.

You begin enjoying yourself. You are no longer concerned about waiting. Your life begins to unfold in mysterious and joyful ways. You can stand back and marvel at your journey, and yes, even give thanks for where you have been.

Now, I want you to know that what I’ve written above is not a pipe dream. I work with people regularly who move through these stages of waiting. And, the quicker they start, the faster they move.

But, don’t take my word for it. I suggest you listen to Sue explain her waiting and healing process. She describes it beautifully and with great passion.

I have her on audio, and you can grab it now. She’s part of my audio tape series: 19 Live Infidelity Coaching Sessions.

You can hear the overwhelm confusion and pain in Marcie’s voice.

She found out merely 4 months ago.

Her husband of almost 17 years is out the door, living with someone else.

Marcie bounces from question to concern to question. So many thoughts flood her mind.

?? Do I move on and give up on the marriage?
?? I think about him and her together and I can’t seem to shake it.
?? I’m racking my brain trying to understand why he did this.
?? I think of all the good memories of the two of us and of our
family.
?? Is there hope for the marriage?
?? If he wanted to come back, would I take him back?
?? What do I do with my powerful need for affection and touch?
?? Should I date?
?? I’m feeling sad, frustrated, scared and excited.
?? What about the children. What will we do with them?
?? How do I deal with his reactivity?

These questions and the scattered thinking coupled with a variety of intense feelings is common during the first few weeks after discovery.

It is within this time frame that most confusion and feeling of being torn predominate. Answers to specific questions are NOT there. You, at this point, just do not know, nor can you have a specific and comforting vision for the future.

Your world is shaken. There is no peace. There is no stability. And, it may seem that new, sometimes disturbing thoughts or questions emerge weekly, if not daily.

To move through this phase effectively and quickly you usually need to address:

1. The need for affirmation or affection.

Upon discovery, your personal needs become amplified. What you needed before, you NEED now. This is especially true for the need of affirmation and acknowledgement. Your soul has taken a huge hit and it looks desperately for affirmation - especially from your spouse/partner and if not him/her, perhaps someone else from the opposite sex.

Am I OK? I am desirable? I need to know that others find me attractive. I need to feel and know that my essence as a sexual person, male or female, is intact.

Is it OK for me to bounce from one concern to another? Are my feelings of frustration and fear valid?

And, what is it with these strong feelings to enter into a dating relationship and be held by another man? Is THAT OK? This was a pressing question for Marcie.

Marcie seemingly wants someone to affirm her by saying, “Yes, Marcie, nothing is wrong with you. What you are feeling and thinking is par for your situation.”

Once the intensity is normalized - yes, the power of your feelings and thoughts are normal - a huge wave of relief may envelop you, and you move through them more rapidly.

2. Finding a compass.

What should you do? What is right? What is appropriate? This was a major concern for Marcie. She was a person of integrity. She wanted to do the right thing. But, what was the right thing.

She’s in uncharted territory and needs guidance to find her ultimate destination. We aren’t taught about the dynamics of infidelity. In reality we don’t want to think about it or believe it will never happen to me.

And so, the land of infidelity is new, strange, foreboding and not well charted in most minds.

The next step for Marcie is seeking input from chat rooms, forums, experts - those who have been there and done that -to pick apart each issue, examine it and make decisions based on what is right, appropriate and best for her and her family.

That is why Marcie approached me for coaching. Infidelity is not chaos. There are reasons. There are motives. One can predict the future. One can know exactly what to say when to change the tide.

3. The mixed signals.

Ok, so Marcie’s husband walked out the door and was living with another person. “I love you, but am not in love with you” he told Marcie. (Ever heard that one!)

But, he was not gone from her life. He reacted strongly to her, which indicated an ongoing investment in her.

Typically, the partner leaving the relationship for another person has strong ambivalence and tries at some level to hold the two relationships in a balance. “I’m gone, but not really.”

Thus, the mixed messages to the remaining partner. Marcie’s head was spinning because his message was not clear. Was her REALLY gone? No, but it sure seemed that way. What was she to do?

Which message was she to believe?

4. Living with ambiguity and uncertainty.

Infidelity initially means many unknowns. Your world is torn apart. Your hopes dreams and expectations disintegrate.

What will your life be like? What will take the place of your long held but now destroyed dreams and aspirations?

Will s/he come back? Will I want him/her back? How will the children respond? What will my life look like 1 year from now?

You’ve lost your rudder and seem carried by an unknown current into the unknown.

Can you live with uncertainty? What do you need to rebuild and create a new life, with or without him?

These questions and concerns emerged out of a coaching session with Marcie. This session is included in “19 Live Infidelity Coaching Sessions.”

If you want to get a taste of this session, I’ve edited out a 3 minute segment. We talk about dating and hope. Listen here: