Healing from infidelity and affairs is a process. Sometimes that process can be accelerated. Here are some comments from those who have used my materials and are on the road to healing:

>>>>>It (Break Free From the Affair) calmed my irrational thinking and I realized it was not about me.

>>>>>I learned that the affair was not my fault- a difficult thing to come to terms with. I like how it was worded that the problems in the marriage may be partly my fault- but absolutely no part of the affair is my fault. I love the chat room- lots of helpful people there. I liked the listings for the different types of affairs. I also like the things to do and not to do to try to get things back on track. Being positive is hard but eventually fake smiling and laughing will turn back into real smiling and laughing.

>>>>>It made me see options I had not seen before. My situation is quite complex, a 32-year old affair while my spouse was working in different city about 120 miles away. I was totally unaware of the situation as the meetings occurred during lunch in his apartment.

>>>>>It really helped me believe that “I” would get through this in a healthy way no matter the out come. I do want to heal our relationship but I have learned that we have to now begin from a new point and use tools we are not familiar with because the tools we’ve been using are obviously not working for us.

>>>>>Gave me something to focus on mentally, made me realize I’m not alone, helped me to identify the dynamics of our relationship and the dynamics of the affair.

I was reading through some of the comments from my readers of “Break Free From the Affair.” Thought I would share some with you. It’s always good to know what others go through:

1. How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?

>>>>understanding why the affair happened and confused in a sense because it wasnt my fault

>>>>Very comprehensive framework for understanding the affair. My therapist was supportive, but didn’t help much with understanding or reacting in a really helpful way to my wife’s infidelity. BFFTA did a great job of describing what is and is not useful to do when working through an affair.

>>>>I just read it. It validated my own understandings and gave me important information.

>>>>I’m just hoping we can still communicate.

>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair my husband is having

>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair I’m dealing with and the knowledge that I’m dealing with it badly.

2. Please describe the situation that best fits you.

>>>>I discovered the affair. My spouse stopped seeing the OP (other person) and we are rebuilding the marriage.

>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.

>>>>I recently discovered the affair and am in shock, anger, pain and confusion.

>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.

>>>>We are trying to repair the relationship but my partner is still contacting the OP. I can’t trust him/her.

3. What did Break Free From the Affair NOT answer for you… or how can it be improved?

>>>>For “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, my case, you didn’t provide much information on specific behaviors the wayward spouse needed to show in order for there to be a successful reconciliation. Where is the guide for the wayward spouse that lays out how her behavior needs to change if she wants to save the relationship. Also, you didn’t say if you found it helpful to share BFFTA with your wayward spouse. I have nothing to lose at this time, so I did, but she hasn’t reacted so far.

>>>>what she have to do to save the marriage completely

>>>>Well, it is a lot of value for $90, especially compared to the amount I spend on one therapy session out-of-pocket, not to mention an attorney’s fee.

>>>>A lot more coaching on how to create a charge neutral posture. Some more information on how to identify which infidelity model applies (my wife’s character suggests one model, her behavior suggests another).

>>>>My husband seems to be in a midlife crisis stemming from all our financial worries and is blaming his unhappiness on the marriage. We have been married 20 years and though I see we were emotionally disengaged he is trying to justify his behavior of the affair because of the marriage and I wonder if the crisis changes the impact of the affair

Readers of my e-book “Break Free From the Affair” are asked if they have any questions after reading the e-book.

I respond briefly to some of their questions:

1. How about narcissists – in which kind of the affair would you put them?

The true narcissist often resides in affair #2: “I don’t want to say no.” There is a strong sense of entitlement, “I deserve this because I’m so special. Almost…s/he should want to adore me because of how wonderful I am.” Others exist to serve him/her.

Affair#3: “I can’t say no” may seem narcissistic because of the self-absorption, but the self orientation is around the object of addiction, not self.

2. Lying , is it part of No. 7 affair?

Lying is part of #7. It’s also part of Affairs #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. In other words, lying, deception, holding secrets, withholding information, half-truths are endemic to infidelity. Lying makes infidelity infidelity. The utter pain and confusion comes primarily from not knowing the truth (and out of that believing, somehow, that there is something defective about you – since you were not able to read the signals or were so out of touch.) Gets rather dicey.

3. Marriage is complex relationship between two adults. My husband fits in the characteristic of 2-3 pattern that you describe. What are the solutions?

There is often overlap. Actually that may be a good sign. The more the overlap, the more confusion exists. Confusion can be good. Confusion often means one is on the edge of discovery of something new… the next step in one’s growth and evolution. There is flexibility, there is possibility for change. One is not locked into the destructive behavior. Is this confusing??? :)

Some comments from readers about “Break Free From the Affair:”

the book is fantastic, straight forward, I wish I would have it 21 months ago when I discovered the affair. I think, I made many mistakes, some perhaps irreparable, but because of the book and because I am getting your E-mails (your interest) I decided to restart everything and even so that I don’t have much hope, I will persevere. With your help, I think I will break free from the affair – one way or other. The book gave me hope. Thank you Dr. Huizenga.

I’ve a better understanding the underlying problem of my marriage and the affair pattern. This helps me to make a critical decision…do I want to stay in marriage or move forward by myself…It helps me to think more clearly…The situation was not helped much, because I am reading it now, and have not apply the skills that the book taught to handle the problem.

I understand the type of affair that my wife is having (I Fell Out of Love and Love Being In-Love)and I am currently applying the skills l learned in the book that WILL help me to Break Free! One of the most important is: “Back-Off.” Most of the questions I had on “What can I do?” or “What did I do?” were answered!Thank you! This should be on hard cover in every book store in the US. I spent the first 2 months looking for resources and asking friends for advise then, typed “I don’t Love You Any More” into Google and discovered: “How to Save Your Marriage” which led me to “Break Free”!