There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

Related posts:

1. Dealing with Adultery: Learning to Trust Your Instincts When you feel like something is wrong, don't hide it....

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Here are some comments from readers on stopping self-defeating actions:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

>>>I was determined not to plead and beg and tell him how much I love him, which was of course what I felt. Things are better, and he seems to have cut off contact with the other woman. I am not totally certain though as he insists they were “friends”.

>>>This E-course helped validate my concerns for my own sanity. I realized how important I am, my dreams, and how much energy I was wasting on him and the OP.I’m glad I found myself again. Thank you.

>>>I feel that your course has helped me to be a better loving person. My love and understanding for my husband has brought him back to me. He now calls the other women “Devil Woman” as she has fought him with name calling, fighting, demands, and pure meanness. Our marriage has reunited after one year of being apart and back and forth indecisions by him and his not knowing who he wanted to be with. Your course helped me to identify what things I had done wrong and the patience to just keep loving him and treating him with understanding. Also the “what not to do” and “what to do” suggestions your course gave me were wonderful and helped very much. Thank you for your help. His affair made our marriage better than it ever was and he treats me better than he ever did before. I know without your courses, your book, and your emails I would never have made it. Thank You

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

1. My instinct was to want to shame and punish some sense into the perpetrator, and his co perpetrator. It did not work. Had I read your ebook sooner, I could’ve saved myself the frustration. After reading the e-book, I was at least comforted to know that the terrible feelings of grief and off the chart emotions I experienced were not bizarre. I would have bought the e-book sooner, but I was afraid of getting spammed by all kinds of wacko mail, or just my privacy being stepped on.

2. I knew deep down the affair wasn’t my fault. I saw the danger signs and tried to warn him not to spend one-on-one time with her, but that didn’t work, so I knew if I couldn’t stop him from making the mistake, I couldn’t have caused it either. Having the types of affairs described to me really helped. It made it really clear that it was all about him and his inability to communicate what he really needed.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

>>>>>It (Break Free From the Affair) calmed my irrational thinking and I realized it was not about me.

>>>>>I learned that the affair was not my fault- a difficult thing to come to terms with. I like how it was worded that the problems in the marriage may be partly my fault- but absolutely no part of the affair is my fault. I love the chat room- lots of helpful people there. I liked the listings for the different types of affairs. I also like the things to do and not to do to try to get things back on track. Being positive is hard but eventually fake smiling and laughing will turn back into real smiling and laughing.

>>>>>It made me see options I had not seen before. My situation is quite complex, a 32-year old affair while my spouse was working in different city about 120 miles away. I was totally unaware of the situation as the meetings occurred during lunch in his apartment.

>>>>>It really helped me believe that “I” would get through this in a healthy way no matter the out come. I do want to heal our relationship but I have learned that we have to now begin from a new point and use tools we are not familiar with because the tools we’ve been using are obviously not working for us.

>>>>>Gave me something to focus on mentally, made me realize I’m not alone, helped me to identify the dynamics of our relationship and the dynamics of the affair.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

1. How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?

>>>>understanding why the affair happened and confused in a sense because it wasnt my fault

>>>>Very comprehensive framework for understanding the affair. My therapist was supportive, but didn’t help much with understanding or reacting in a really helpful way to my wife’s infidelity. BFFTA did a great job of describing what is and is not useful to do when working through an affair.

>>>>I just read it. It validated my own understandings and gave me important information.

>>>>I’m just hoping we can still communicate.

>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair my husband is having

>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair I’m dealing with and the knowledge that I’m dealing with it badly.

2. Please describe the situation that best fits you.

>>>>I discovered the affair. My spouse stopped seeing the OP (other person) and we are rebuilding the marriage.

>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.

>>>>I recently discovered the affair and am in shock, anger, pain and confusion.

>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.

>>>>We are trying to repair the relationship but my partner is still contacting the OP. I can’t trust him/her.

3. What did Break Free From the Affair NOT answer for you… or how can it be improved?

>>>>For “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, my case, you didn’t provide much information on specific behaviors the wayward spouse needed to show in order for there to be a successful reconciliation. Where is the guide for the wayward spouse that lays out how her behavior needs to change if she wants to save the relationship. Also, you didn’t say if you found it helpful to share BFFTA with your wayward spouse. I have nothing to lose at this time, so I did, but she hasn’t reacted so far.

>>>>what she have to do to save the marriage completely

>>>>Well, it is a lot of value for $90, especially compared to the amount I spend on one therapy session out-of-pocket, not to mention an attorney’s fee.

>>>>A lot more coaching on how to create a charge neutral posture. Some more information on how to identify which infidelity model applies (my wife’s character suggests one model, her behavior suggests another).

>>>>My husband seems to be in a midlife crisis stemming from all our financial worries and is blaming his unhappiness on the marriage. We have been married 20 years and though I see we were emotionally disengaged he is trying to justify his behavior of the affair because of the marriage and I wonder if the crisis changes the impact of the affair

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I respond briefly to some of their questions:

1. How about narcissists – in which kind of the affair would you put them?

The true narcissist often resides in affair #2: “I don’t want to say no.” There is a strong sense of entitlement, “I deserve this because I’m so special. Almost…s/he should want to adore me because of how wonderful I am.” Others exist to serve him/her.

Affair#3: “I can’t say no” may seem narcissistic because of the self-absorption, but the self orientation is around the object of addiction, not self.

2. Lying , is it part of No. 7 affair?

Lying is part of #7. It’s also part of Affairs #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. In other words, lying, deception, holding secrets, withholding information, half-truths are endemic to infidelity. Lying makes infidelity infidelity. The utter pain and confusion comes primarily from not knowing the truth (and out of that believing, somehow, that there is something defective about you – since you were not able to read the signals or were so out of touch.) Gets rather dicey.

3. Marriage is complex relationship between two adults. My husband fits in the characteristic of 2-3 pattern that you describe. What are the solutions?

There is often overlap. Actually that may be a good sign. The more the overlap, the more confusion exists. Confusion can be good. Confusion often means one is on the edge of discovery of something new… the next step in one’s growth and evolution. There is flexibility, there is possibility for change. One is not locked into the destructive behavior. Is this confusing??? :)

Some comments from readers about “Break Free From the Affair:”

the book is fantastic, straight forward, I wish I would have it 21 months ago when I discovered the affair. I think, I made many mistakes, some perhaps irreparable, but because of the book and because I am getting your E-mails (your interest) I decided to restart everything and even so that I don’t have much hope, I will persevere. With your help, I think I will break free from the affair – one way or other. The book gave me hope. Thank you Dr. Huizenga.

I’ve a better understanding the underlying problem of my marriage and the affair pattern. This helps me to make a critical decision…do I want to stay in marriage or move forward by myself…It helps me to think more clearly…The situation was not helped much, because I am reading it now, and have not apply the skills that the book taught to handle the problem.

I understand the type of affair that my wife is having (I Fell Out of Love and Love Being In-Love)and I am currently applying the skills l learned in the book that WILL help me to Break Free! One of the most important is: “Back-Off.” Most of the questions I had on “What can I do?” or “What did I do?” were answered!Thank you! This should be on hard cover in every book store in the US. I spent the first 2 months looking for resources and asking friends for advise then, typed “I don’t Love You Any More” into Google and discovered: “How to Save Your Marriage” which led me to “Break Free”!

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

“My Marriage Made Me Do It’ is one affair which may take on the form of emotional infidelity. Those types of relationships often start with a strong emotional component. You may see your spouse develop an attachment to someone – mutual friend, neighbor or someone s/he meets in some other context. It usually takes time for the emotional relationship to develop.

The other type of affair that contains a component of emotional infidelity is, “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.” This affair may appear more quickly and often is beset with a hugely strong and obvious emotional power. This relationship often displays huge doses of drama and histrionics. You must hang on to your set during this type of affair.

I’m doing some research on emotional infidelity and asked the question: When did you first see the signs of emotional infidelity. Here are some responses in my survey:

>He withdrew from me, began to pick small fights so he could go off somewhere by himself. He claimed he needed time to himself to think and did tell me he was unhappy in our marriage. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but all my suggestions were ignored. He wore more cologne than usual where I complained that it was too strong that I could smell him down the block. He bought new underwear and I even joked saying a co-worker had informed me that he might be cheating. Little did I know that would be the truth. He started buying new clothes and started a facial regimen that he never did before. I thought he was just being more open to self-grooming, but never took the signs as something more.

>My spouse was distancing himself. He wanted to improve his appearance by going the dermatologist and keeping gum for fresh breath. He started talking about low carb diets a lot (which she is on). He could come home later and later and would stop taking me to his job. His cell phone bill had her number all over it.

>First found a plane ticket with her name on it. He said they attended a meeting together for work and didn’t say anything b/c he didn’t want me to get upset. Then there was jewelry purchased that I found out about and didn’t get.

>About six months after she started working out to get in better shape. On a vacation to the East coast she spent a lot of extra time texting and in fact she acted very secretive about her phone compared to before.

>He distanced himself from me; no longer wanted to talk or help me with anything; was very snappy (never before) and judgmental; was yelling and cursing at me.

>He didn’t have a positive word to say about me and he was distant. I challenged him a few times and asked if he was having an affair and he denied it. He finally came clean after 16 months and going into marriage guidance to tell me. He had previously told me he wasn’t in love with me but thought of me like a sister or a flat mate

>Telling me he needed his space, that I did not do things they way he wanted and lots of complaints about everything and I could not do anything right. Wondering about the little interest in sex, but the reason given was being tired and too much busy with work. No interest in doing things together as before, no trips, no dinners, no outing with friends.

>–Physical appearance (changed diet, joined a gym, got a tan, bought new clothes, had Botox, dyed hair); became less considerate to me–left house in the evenings (sometimes I didn’t know until he was gone) with no explanation, was angry when I called him when he was out, withdrew lots of money from business account and hid the statements from me, kept his cell phone on him (went from a clip on his belt to inside his pocket and hid it at night), refused to help on emergency household bills, less affectionate and considerate, apathetic about the future, uninterested in what was going on with me, seemed apathetic about my health/welfare, strongly urged me to spend time with my mom (distance meant overnight stays) and refused to go, refused to go with me any time I had to go out of town.

>When I saw an American express bill.

>No signs…he was extremely clever in being exactly how he was but he distanced from the children. I was too trusting

>noticed that she was very flirty around all men but particularly my husband. The hug and kiss on each cheek and then playing golf alone together and I answered his cell phone,it was her and she said she had the wrong number

>Excessive spending. And shielding me from her work friends, they would go out to dinner or movies as a group, and she would tell them I did not feel like going out, (as if!) She used to hate people who talked on the phone while driving, then I noticed her getting very proficient at driving and talking on the phone, even texting, that was a red flag. One time I happened to drive up to her, I called her on the phone, but she was already talking, after she hung up, I called again and asked her why she didn’t answer the phone earlier, she said she did not hear it. So, I knew there was more to it. I started monitoring closely and I even installed a tracker on the car. That’s when I caught her in a Bed and Breakfast hotel a mere 8 miles from our house.

>I saw a text message from the OW and began asking questions.

>2007/sleepless nights, irritability, he’s always mad/angry with me & many others

>When he told me that he was not in love with me anymore

>He was nice to me as usual, but absent-minded. His lovemaking follow the same path. He was there but not really there and at the same time was not getting involved as before to our common goal of moving definitely to Canada.

>She said that she had a dance “Partner” She dressed better, Looked her best, stayed out late, seemed happier, lied about her “evenings out at dances” she was meeting him for dinner dancing and then “out for tea” ’till 2 AM.

>withdrawal. increasing amount of time on the net. secrecy. a new e-mail address kept away from me. increasing amounts of time away from home.

>i first noticed something was wrong when he wanted to have sex often, which was normally not the situation. i also found out on his cell phone that he send her a message

>He started dressing different & taking better care of himself

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Read what others find helpful in this task:

>My husband is very cunning. He wants this affair but is buying time until he is sure as it is only 5 months. He is talking calmly back to me (albeit lies) whereas before he wouldn’t even discuss issues. Thank you so much for your insight. It has given me hope for myself.

>I identified my partner in two of your profiles. Having done that I questioned whether I wanted more of the same or to move on to a happier me. Your book helped me come to terms with my insecurities, made me ask myself questions that I had previously not even thought of. I became calmer and stronger and very lucid.

>Break Free from the Affair really helped a bunch. She was blaming me for being over-controlling. She was blaming me for everything. It really hurt a bunch. I am not a terrible person, I will grow from this. She is having a “I fell out of love” emotional phone affair with an old boyfriend. I ask her if it could last. Seems like she is having second thoughts now. Thanks, Jeff

>I’ve started reading the book and I’m basically unable to move beyond the pages of the type#2 affair. It describes him perfectly and you have also made me aware of so many other things that subconsciously I was aware of but did not really know their significance and some I’ve mentioned to him during my times of being frustrated that our relationship is not growing but worsening. The picture is much clearer
now. Harriet

>I’ve been very pleased and even recommended it to a friend who is in an affair. It really opened my eyes and I’m so glad I found it. This was an excellent resource for me and I’m still in the early stages of applying your methods but I like the results thus far. Janet

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

And, to reach the end, we need a beginning point.

Change can happen! Change does happen! Infidelity does not mean your world is forever crashed. Just the opposite.

A new world is being created for you.

Don’t take my word for it. Read these comments from those who began to feel the change and shift after reading “Break Free From the Affair.”

>>>My husband would not talk to me at all. I identified the type(s) of affair, used the suggested guidelines and he has started to communicate with me (slowly, but the wall is coming down).

>>>I began to feel more confident and more in control. I was able to really see how the affair is not my fault. I was also able to identify a pattern in my spouse which helps me to better deal with the situation. The book also gave me some hope that perhaps my spouse will come back and if not I know that I will be a better and stronger person regardless.

>>>Only just read it but feel slightly more hopeful. I can see that I am acting in a needy way and will now try to back off. I realise this is going to take time to come to terms with.

>>>Has reiterated what I have know for years. I know that he will never accept accountability for his actions. So I really need to learn how I can take care of me without the guilt

>>>Gave me validation & understanding of what was occurring.

>>>I was able to use the information to better understand how my husband avoided intimacy by having an affair

>>>It gave me the tools I needed to help me deal with the frustration and wide range of emotions that I was going through.

>>>Breaking Free helped me see that my situation was not hopeless! In fact, I now feel empowered to deal with my situation rather than feeling that situation was dealing with me! It has been a life saver.

>>>It gave me a good guide in what not to say or do when he comes around me. I was getting there on my own but the book gave me a few additional ideas to use.

>>>Charging neutral and understanding that it is not my fault has been very helpful.

>>>It encouraged & validated me. Also helped me understand that what I was experiencing was normal. It really explained what was occurring. Last gave me tools to cope. Thank you!

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.