I was reading through some of the comments from my readers of “Break Free From the Affair.” Thought I would share some with you. It’s always good to know what others go through:

1. How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?

>>>>understanding why the affair happened and confused in a sense because it wasnt my fault

>>>>Very comprehensive framework for understanding the affair. My therapist was supportive, but didn’t help much with understanding or reacting in a really helpful way to my wife’s infidelity. BFFTA did a great job of describing what is and is not useful to do when working through an affair.

>>>>I just read it. It validated my own understandings and gave me important information.

>>>>I’m just hoping we can still communicate.

>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair my husband is having

>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair I’m dealing with and the knowledge that I’m dealing with it badly.

2. Please describe the situation that best fits you.

>>>>I discovered the affair. My spouse stopped seeing the OP (other person) and we are rebuilding the marriage.

>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.

>>>>I recently discovered the affair and am in shock, anger, pain and confusion.

>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.

>>>>We are trying to repair the relationship but my partner is still contacting the OP. I can’t trust him/her.

3. What did Break Free From the Affair NOT answer for you… or how can it be improved?

>>>>For “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, my case, you didn’t provide much information on specific behaviors the wayward spouse needed to show in order for there to be a successful reconciliation. Where is the guide for the wayward spouse that lays out how her behavior needs to change if she wants to save the relationship. Also, you didn’t say if you found it helpful to share BFFTA with your wayward spouse. I have nothing to lose at this time, so I did, but she hasn’t reacted so far.

>>>>what she have to do to save the marriage completely

>>>>Well, it is a lot of value for $90, especially compared to the amount I spend on one therapy session out-of-pocket, not to mention an attorney’s fee.

>>>>A lot more coaching on how to create a charge neutral posture. Some more information on how to identify which infidelity model applies (my wife’s character suggests one model, her behavior suggests another).

>>>>My husband seems to be in a midlife crisis stemming from all our financial worries and is blaming his unhappiness on the marriage. We have been married 20 years and though I see we were emotionally disengaged he is trying to justify his behavior of the affair because of the marriage and I wonder if the crisis changes the impact of the affair

Readers of my e-book “Break Free From the Affair” are asked if they have any questions after reading the e-book.

I respond briefly to some of their questions:

1. How about narcissists - in which kind of the affair would you put them?

The true narcissist often resides in affair #2: “I don’t want to say no.” There is a strong sense of entitlement, “I deserve this because I’m so special. Almost…s/he should want to adore me because of how wonderful I am.” Others exist to serve him/her.

Affair#3: “I can’t say no” may seem narcissistic because of the self-absorption, but the self orientation is around the object of addiction, not self.

2. Lying , is it part of No. 7 affair?

Lying is part of #7. It’s also part of Affairs #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. In other words, lying, deception, holding secrets, withholding information, half-truths are endemic to infidelity. Lying makes infidelity infidelity. The utter pain and confusion comes primarily from not knowing the truth (and out of that believing, somehow, that there is something defective about you - since you were not able to read the signals or were so out of touch.) Gets rather dicey.

3. Marriage is complex relationship between two adults. My husband fits in the characteristic of 2-3 pattern that you describe. What are the solutions?

There is often overlap. Actually that may be a good sign. The more the overlap, the more confusion exists. Confusion can be good. Confusion often means one is on the edge of discovery of something new… the next step in one’s growth and evolution. There is flexibility, there is possibility for change. One is not locked into the destructive behavior. Is this confusing??? :)

Some comments from readers about “Break Free From the Affair:”

the book is fantastic, straight forward, I wish I would have it 21 months ago when I discovered the affair. I think, I made many mistakes, some perhaps irreparable, but because of the book and because I am getting your E-mails (your interest) I decided to restart everything and even so that I don’t have much hope, I will persevere. With your help, I think I will break free from the affair - one way or other. The book gave me hope. Thank you Dr. Huizenga.

I’ve a better understanding the underlying problem of my marriage and the affair pattern. This helps me to make a critical decision…do I want to stay in marriage or move forward by myself…It helps me to think more clearly…The situation was not helped much, because I am reading it now, and have not apply the skills that the book taught to handle the problem.

I understand the type of affair that my wife is having (I Fell Out of Love and Love Being In-Love)and I am currently applying the skills l learned in the book that WILL help me to Break Free! One of the most important is: “Back-Off.” Most of the questions I had on “What can I do?” or “What did I do?” were answered!Thank you! This should be on hard cover in every book store in the US. I spent the first 2 months looking for resources and asking friends for advise then, typed “I don’t Love You Any More” into Google and discovered: “How to Save Your Marriage” which led me to “Break Free”!

Emotional infidelity may be closely aligned with two of the affairs I describe in my e-book.

“My Marriage Made Me Do It’ is one affair which may take on the form of emotional infidelity. Those types of relationships often start with a strong emotional component. You may see your spouse develop an attachment to someone - mutual friend, neighbor or someone s/he meets in some other context. It usually takes time for the emotional relationship to develop.

The other type of affair that contains a component of emotional infidelity is, “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.” This affair may appear more quickly and often is beset with a hugely strong and obvious emotional power. This relationship often displays huge doses of drama and histrionics. You must hang on to your set during this type of affair.

I’m doing some research on emotional infidelity and asked the question: When did you first see the signs of emotional infidelity. Here are some responses in my survey:

>He withdrew from me, began to pick small fights so he could go off somewhere by himself. He claimed he needed time to himself to think and did tell me he was unhappy in our marriage. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but all my suggestions were ignored. He wore more cologne than usual where I complained that it was too strong that I could smell him down the block. He bought new underwear and I even joked saying a co-worker had informed me that he might be cheating. Little did I know that would be the truth. He started buying new clothes and started a facial regimen that he never did before. I thought he was just being more open to self-grooming, but never took the signs as something more.

>My spouse was distancing himself. He wanted to improve his appearance by going the dermatologist and keeping gum for fresh breath. He started talking about low carb diets a lot (which she is on). He could come home later and later and would stop taking me to his job. His cell phone bill had her number all over it.

>First found a plane ticket with her name on it. He said they attended a meeting together for work and didn’t say anything b/c he didn’t want me to get upset. Then there was jewelry purchased that I found out about and didn’t get.

>About six months after she started working out to get in better shape. On a vacation to the East coast she spent a lot of extra time texting and in fact she acted very secretive about her phone compared to before.

>He distanced himself from me; no longer wanted to talk or help me with anything; was very snappy (never before) and judgmental; was yelling and cursing at me.

>He didn’t have a positive word to say about me and he was distant. I challenged him a few times and asked if he was having an affair and he denied it. He finally came clean after 16 months and going into marriage guidance to tell me. He had previously told me he wasn’t in love with me but thought of me like a sister or a flat mate

>Telling me he needed his space, that I did not do things they way he wanted and lots of complaints about everything and I could not do anything right. Wondering about the little interest in sex, but the reason given was being tired and too much busy with work. No interest in doing things together as before, no trips, no dinners, no outing with friends.

>–Physical appearance (changed diet, joined a gym, got a tan, bought new clothes, had Botox, dyed hair); became less considerate to me–left house in the evenings (sometimes I didn’t know until he was gone) with no explanation, was angry when I called him when he was out, withdrew lots of money from business account and hid the statements from me, kept his cell phone on him (went from a clip on his belt to inside his pocket and hid it at night), refused to help on emergency household bills, less affectionate and considerate, apathetic about the future, uninterested in what was going on with me, seemed apathetic about my health/welfare, strongly urged me to spend time with my mom (distance meant overnight stays) and refused to go, refused to go with me any time I had to go out of town.

>When I saw an American express bill.

>No signs…he was extremely clever in being exactly how he was but he distanced from the children. I was too trusting

>noticed that she was very flirty around all men but particularly my husband. The hug and kiss on each cheek and then playing golf alone together and I answered his cell phone,it was her and she said she had the wrong number

>Excessive spending. And shielding me from her work friends, they would go out to dinner or movies as a group, and she would tell them I did not feel like going out, (as if!) She used to hate people who talked on the phone while driving, then I noticed her getting very proficient at driving and talking on the phone, even texting, that was a red flag. One time I happened to drive up to her, I called her on the phone, but she was already talking, after she hung up, I called again and asked her why she didn’t answer the phone earlier, she said she did not hear it. So, I knew there was more to it. I started monitoring closely and I even installed a tracker on the car. That’s when I caught her in a Bed and Breakfast hotel a mere 8 miles from our house.

>I saw a text message from the OW and began asking questions.

>2007/sleepless nights, irritability, he’s always mad/angry with me & many others

>When he told me that he was not in love with me anymore

>He was nice to me as usual, but absent-minded. His lovemaking follow the same path. He was there but not really there and at the same time was not getting involved as before to our common goal of moving definitely to Canada.

>She said that she had a dance “Partner” She dressed better, Looked her best, stayed out late, seemed happier, lied about her “evenings out at dances” she was meeting him for dinner dancing and then “out for tea” ’till 2 AM.

>withdrawal. increasing amount of time on the net. secrecy. a new e-mail address kept away from me. increasing amounts of time away from home.

>i first noticed something was wrong when he wanted to have sex often, which was normally not the situation. i also found out on his cell phone that he send her a message

>He started dressing different & taking better care of himself