Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his live. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

• Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
• Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
• I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
• There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those ?” to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
• I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

You discover what you thought you would never discover: your spouse, best friend, fellow parent and bed partner is having an extramarital affair.

Are you tongue-tied?

Or, do you give tongue-lashings?

Those who sign up for one of my coaching packages often suffer from one or the other, or they alternate between being tongue-tied one moment and hand out a tongue-lashing the next.

You are frozen with pain and fear. Fearful that what you might say will drive a deeper wedge and him/her to the OP (other person). Or, you don’t know what to say because your mush-like mind is swollen with confusion. And, so you say nothing.

Or, Your pain, hurt or rage is so great there is no containment. It comes out. It spews out. In desperation you flail, hoping something will hit the mark and create sanity, will somehow drive things back to what they predictably were.

People often find my coaching helpful because we fashion together “words to say” that slice the silence or quell the clamor. We come up with what I call Laser Phrases. Laser Phrases:

1. Are short and to the point. They cut down the verbiage and yet say something that is heard.

2. Speak the truth concisely. They cut to the core of what a person REALLY wants to say. This truth is spoken without rancor or judgment. It comes from the heart. It comes from the “higher” self. It penetrates and gives plenty of room for reflection.

3. Are specific to the kind of affair. For example, saying “I’m here for you” is appropriate for the affair, “I need to prove my desirability” and totally unhelpful for “I don’t want to say no.” Likewise, “I’m glad I’m not in your shoes” could be powerfully effective for “I don’t want to say no” and prove a setback for “I need to prove my desirability.”

4. Are spoken with body language, tone of voice, posture, etc. that uses “charging neutral,” one of the tools and skills I teach in my ebook. One speaks not as a wimp nor as a tyrant. One conveys the phrase in a way that communicates “You must deal with me.”

Here’s a coaching client who discovered her husband’s affair. He ended the affair and suffers from extreme guilt. She is feeling the betrayal and devastation and has hundreds of questions and wants to talk. He will respond often but at times she sees him staring into space. You can image what she thinks he might be thinking, which triggers floods of feelings and thoughts.

We are rehearsing how she might handle this situation. For example, she might try making a comment, gentle but direct: “I wonder where you just went to??? with perhaps a smile on her face. Or, “are you aware that you are distancing, or is it just me? “Is there anything I can do that will help you come back here?

Again, these possible Laser Phrases fit well the context of their extramarital affair.

Please understand that Laser Phrasing is easier said than done. It takes self awareness. It takes an understanding of the kind of affair that faces you. It takes rehearsal. It takes self acceptance.

One of my coaching clients is playing the role I call the “Constant Object.”

He is a rock. His mission is to hold the family together. He’s focused on parenting - giving what she is not. He vows to hang in there although his family and friends tell him to “move on.” He uses a skill he learned from me - charging neutral - and refuses to react to her.

She is having a rather open, blatant affair with a neighbor. She is “in love” and fits almost to a “t” the characteristics I describe in affair #4: “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.”

He receives mixed messages from her daily: “You are important to me. I love you, but am not in love with you. You are a wonderful person. She may touch him. She will call him almost daily and unexpectedly at his workplace, often without any significant reason.

At other times she talks of moving out to live with her boyfriend. She says the marriage is over, but has not filed for divorce. She frequently and angrily “throws a fit” if he hints at repairing their relationship. She lies where she is going and what she is doing. She says it is time for her to follow her feelings.

She is like a leaf blowing in the wind. She claims that her feelings are vital to her, yet interestingly shuts down and withdraws when it comes to expressing appropriate feelings such as sadness or fear. She is adrift and running from her internal emptiness - running naively toward that which she thinks will fill her emptiness - another man. She is lost.

Such a lost soul needs a rock, someone constant, predictable and safe to attach to. She has that. She needs that.

He now knows that. He can with more compassion view her struggle. He waits for the day when consequences will open her to her pain and emptiness and propel her to another level of growth and healing and self understanding.

When will that happen? We don’t know. How will that happen? We don’t know for sure.

His work is entertaining answers to the questions:

For how long will I tolerate this?
How will I draw the line, if I must?
What are intermediary steps I can safely take with her to guide her to the consequences of her behavior and possible healing?