In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

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I had a poll on the page asking people to rank the most prominant trait of their spouse who was having the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair.

Guess what? It was no suprise that the leader (so far) in the poll was: “fails to take responsiblity.”

That coincides with my belief that someone in that kind of affair places responsiblity on everything except self. It’s the marriage’s fault! This OP will make me utterly blissful and happy! etc.

Check out the poll and page if you would like: http://www.squidoo.com/failing_marriage

Remember, this too shall pass….

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In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

Surround yourself with people who affirm you, people you know (intuitively) who give you accurate input.

(You) treat with care the part of you that feels powerless.

Begin to rate your feeling of powerlessness on a scale of 1-10. Notice changes daily or hourly. Note what happens to alter that feeling.

Read my free mini-ebook, “The Need to Know.??

Respect and embrace the part of you that needs things “in order?? and “understood.??

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

I would like to have a discussion with you without it turning into an argument. I assume you would like that too.

It seems you have a difficult time dealing with me, especially regarding my need to know. I can understand that. I’m having a hard time dealing with me (said with smile on face.)

I feel like I’ve lost so much. I feel so lost. And, I must find my way through this. I know you can’t do it for me. Although I would appreciate you being there for me in particular ways.

I can’t trust myself anymore. I doubt my gut, I doubt and question what I think. It’s awful. Would you please be willing to acknowledge that with me?

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I spend alot of the time thinking about how she could do this to our family. Going over the last 9 months and all of the events and arguments seems to get me no peace. She has filed for a divorce and I still cannot believe that she would tear apart not only my world but also our two daughter’s world also. I am low, depressed and wondering/hoping that this will end. It is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I live somewhere else and all I want to do is go home and make her happy but she doesn’t want me. It’s in God’s hands all I can do is worry about my kids. My wife of 13 years has left me for a fantasy!

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

• Spend time understanding the patterns. Break Free From the Affair will help you with that.
• Be gracious with the fact that you need to “understand?? to achieve some peace.
• Allow yourself to feel the sadness.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• I hope we can have some kind of resolution. I’m working hard to learn, understand and grow from this.
• It is important that we have some resolution, or at least come to some point soon where we can constructively talk about the care and welfare of our children.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I used to focus on what mood is he in, is he going to talk to me today, is he going to look/act like he’d rather be anywhere else with anyone else other than me. This habit/pattern is hard to break, but I’m working on it. I was so hurt and rejected that sometimes in my depression that I didn’t leave the house for days. All this in an attempt to figure out how to be okay with my life and how lonely I was. This was his excuse for his affair (“if you thought it was bad being that way, you have no idea how hard it is to live with a person like that” – thoughtful words from him after I learned of his affair). I’ve been figuring out “what makes me happy” as friends refer to it, but that seems selfish and that’s just not me. I’m learning how much living like that has affected the simplist of things – mood, attitude, communication and my relationship with our 13 yr old daughter. I wrestled with deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage and even though we’re still living together, I was non-committal and that hasn’t helped things much. But lately, I’ve been getting more clarification. I still don’t have all the answers as for our marriage, but I do know that I’m doing what I’m called to do right now. He has been making changes although I’ve been frustrated that they’re not the ones I think he should be doing. I realized that he’s trying and doing the best he can and I’ve not acknowledged the changes that he has made and that tears down the very thing that I said that I wanted. Regardless of where this leads, I’m ready to move forward with my life. He has an opportunity to rise higher in his life and our relationship and if he’s unable, I can accept that, but I know with all my heart that I need more than that and I love him enough to let him go. Otherwise, it’ll continue to tear us down as individuals and as a couple. That to me would be unforgivable – to intentionally choose that. I’ve finally forgiven him and I’m excited to be able to share that with him when I see him (he’s working 4 hrs away for a couple of weeks). I believe it’s a gift that both of us need and it’s necessary for healing regardless of whether we stay together or not. In addition to asking him to forgive me for where I fell short in our relationship, I’ve finally forgiven myself. The reality is that he made some wrong decision(s), but as painful as all of this has been (this was his second affair), I’m grateful for the opportunities that it’s opened in my heart. There’s great power in “pressing on” and getting through. I’ll even go as far as to say that I’m starting to determine my call and purpose in life. I don’t have the specifics yet, but I know that my past experiences were not given to me just to keep them inside and hide them away (survival of growing up in physical, emotional and verbal abuse, death of my child at age 7, two abusive ex husbands, battling depression, etc). I believe they can help others too. I’ve always believed that, I just lost sight of it. I’m excited to see how all of this unfolds. Well, I know you didn’t ask for a book, but I’ve never been one short on words.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

• Welcome your sensitivity. Learn ways to use it, especially with others.
• Examine, reflect, write down the “themes?? of your life that you are internally addressing when “depressed.??
• Congratulate your self on your tremendous growth and progress.
• Be very specific on the changes you want from him.
• List 5 factors that “hold you back?? from him.
• List 6 of your greatest personal needs. (Check out the needless program on my site)
• Continue working hard on defining your life’s purpose.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• I’m working hard on me, and boy, does that feel good. Also very exciting. But, I’m not sure, sometimes, where that leaves me with you.
• I want for us to have a richer relationship but it seems there has been so much pain and hurt, on both of our parts, that I wonder, what that means for our future.
• I have some very specific needs that I would like you to meet. But, I know this can be very tricky and rather scary. For example, I would like ____________. If you can do that, great. If not, help me understand what gets in the way. Maybe just give it some thought first, and we can get at it later.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke. Why is he being so tentative and blah? I know I have too many questions but I need your help.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

• Determine the pattern, the impasse, the barrier that precludes more intimacy.
• Identify the fearful part of me.
• Get to the bottom of “bad timing.??
• Explore in detail the kind of affair that you faced to help determine strategy.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• If the affair was “I don’t want to say no”" “I’m not sure I’m willing to live in a relationship where I struggle so much with being “invisible.?? I’m not sure when I will draw the line, but I’m almost certain it will be drawn, if I continue to feel the void.
• If the affair was “I need to prove my desirability”" “It is difficult maintaining and building our intimacy, the way it seems. I struggle with that?? feeling ok about myself. I wonder if you do too?”
• If the affair was “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy”" “Wow! This has been a roller coaster ride. We move close, we move away. We seem to be pulling away now. I suppose this serves some purpose?”
• If the affair was “My marriage made me do it”" “OK, What the #%@# is going on here? There’s a part of me that wants to spit nails. I do NOT want to live this way. I’m royally #$% off at how this is going! And, I would think you might be #$#%# off too!”

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

• Continue to work on self improvement goals.
• Journal or reflect on your internal dialogue. Be aware of the part that has negative thoughts. Try to understand the intent of this part and what this part wants for you.
• Continue building your support system (family, friends).
• Allow yourself to grieve the loss.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• This seems so sudden. I hope you know what you are doing.
• Looks like you might be buying yourself a bucket of responsibility and perhaps trouble.
• I wonder some days why you need to hide (the truth).

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his live. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

• Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
• Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
• I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
• There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those ?” to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
• I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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Are you tongue-tied?

Or, do you give tongue-lashings?

Those who sign up for one of my coaching packages often suffer from one or the other, or they alternate between being tongue-tied one moment and hand out a tongue-lashing the next.

You are frozen with pain and fear. Fearful that what you might say will drive a deeper wedge and him/her to the OP (other person). Or, you don’t know what to say because your mush-like mind is swollen with confusion. And, so you say nothing.

Or, Your pain, hurt or rage is so great there is no containment. It comes out. It spews out. In desperation you flail, hoping something will hit the mark and create sanity, will somehow drive things back to what they predictably were.

People often find my coaching helpful because we fashion together “words to say” that slice the silence or quell the clamor. We come up with what I call Laser Phrases. Laser Phrases:

1. Are short and to the point. They cut down the verbiage and yet say something that is heard.

2. Speak the truth concisely. They cut to the core of what a person REALLY wants to say. This truth is spoken without rancor or judgment. It comes from the heart. It comes from the “higher” self. It penetrates and gives plenty of room for reflection.

3. Are specific to the kind of affair. For example, saying “I’m here for you” is appropriate for the affair, “I need to prove my desirability” and totally unhelpful for “I don’t want to say no.” Likewise, “I’m glad I’m not in your shoes” could be powerfully effective for “I don’t want to say no” and prove a setback for “I need to prove my desirability.”

4. Are spoken with body language, tone of voice, posture, etc. that uses “charging neutral,” one of the tools and skills I teach in my ebook. One speaks not as a wimp nor as a tyrant. One conveys the phrase in a way that communicates “You must deal with me.”

Here’s a coaching client who discovered her husband’s affair. He ended the affair and suffers from extreme guilt. She is feeling the betrayal and devastation and has hundreds of questions and wants to talk. He will respond often but at times she sees him staring into space. You can image what she thinks he might be thinking, which triggers floods of feelings and thoughts.

We are rehearsing how she might handle this situation. For example, she might try making a comment, gentle but direct: “I wonder where you just went to??? with perhaps a smile on her face. Or, “are you aware that you are distancing, or is it just me? “Is there anything I can do that will help you come back here?

Again, these possible Laser Phrases fit well the context of their extramarital affair.

Please understand that Laser Phrasing is easier said than done. It takes self awareness. It takes an understanding of the kind of affair that faces you. It takes rehearsal. It takes self acceptance.

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He is a rock. His mission is to hold the family together. He’s focused on parenting – giving what she is not. He vows to hang in there although his family and friends tell him to “move on.” He uses a skill he learned from me – charging neutral – and refuses to react to her.

She is having a rather open, blatant affair with a neighbor. She is “in love” and fits almost to a “t” the characteristics I describe in affair #4: “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.”

He receives mixed messages from her daily: “You are important to me. I love you, but am not in love with you. You are a wonderful person. She may touch him. She will call him almost daily and unexpectedly at his workplace, often without any significant reason.

At other times she talks of moving out to live with her boyfriend. She says the marriage is over, but has not filed for divorce. She frequently and angrily “throws a fit” if he hints at repairing their relationship. She lies where she is going and what she is doing. She says it is time for her to follow her feelings.

She is like a leaf blowing in the wind. She claims that her feelings are vital to her, yet interestingly shuts down and withdraws when it comes to expressing appropriate feelings such as sadness or fear. She is adrift and running from her internal emptiness – running naively toward that which she thinks will fill her emptiness – another man. She is lost.

Such a lost soul needs a rock, someone constant, predictable and safe to attach to. She has that. She needs that.

He now knows that. He can with more compassion view her struggle. He waits for the day when consequences will open her to her pain and emptiness and propel her to another level of growth and healing and self understanding.

When will that happen? We don’t know. How will that happen? We don’t know for sure.

His work is entertaining answers to the questions:

For how long will I tolerate this?
How will I draw the line, if I must?
What are intermediary steps I can safely take with her to guide her to the consequences of her behavior and possible healing?

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