What will the confrontation of the other person do for you?

In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

I put up a new page on squidoo today with an article on “Infidelity and My Failing Marriage: 14 Traits of the Offender”

I had a poll on the page asking people to rank the most prominant trait of their spouse who was having the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair.

Guess what? It was no suprise that the leader (so far) in the poll was: “fails to take responsiblity.”

That coincides with my belief that someone in that kind of affair places responsiblity on everything except self. It’s the marriage’s fault! This OP will make me utterly blissful and happy! etc.

Check out the poll and page if you would like: http://www.squidoo.com/failing_marriage

Remember, this too shall pass….

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

Surround yourself with people who affirm you, people you know (intuitively) who give you accurate input.

(You) treat with care the part of you that feels powerless.

Begin to rate your feeling of powerlessness on a scale of 1-10. Notice changes daily or hourly. Note what happens to alter that feeling.

Read my free mini-ebook, “The Need to Know.??

Respect and embrace the part of you that needs things “in order?? and “understood.??

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

I would like to have a discussion with you without it turning into an argument. I assume you would like that too.

It seems you have a difficult time dealing with me, especially regarding my need to know. I can understand that. I’m having a hard time dealing with me (said with smile on face.)

I feel like I’ve lost so much. I feel so lost. And, I must find my way through this. I know you can’t do it for me. Although I would appreciate you being there for me in particular ways.

I can’t trust myself anymore. I doubt my gut, I doubt and question what I think. It’s awful. Would you please be willing to acknowledge that with me?

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.