I put up a new page on squidoo today with an article on “Infidelity and My Failing Marriage: 14 Traits of the Offender”

I had a poll on the page asking people to rank the most prominant trait of their spouse who was having the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair.

Guess what? It was no suprise that the leader (so far) in the poll was: “fails to take responsiblity.”

That coincides with my belief that someone in that kind of affair places responsiblity on everything except self. It’s the marriage’s fault! This OP will make me utterly blissful and happy! etc.

Check out the poll and page if you would like: http://www.squidoo.com/failing_marriage

Remember, this too shall pass….

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

Surround yourself with people who affirm you, people you know (intuitively) who give you accurate input.

(You) treat with care the part of you that feels powerless.

Begin to rate your feeling of powerlessness on a scale of 1-10. Notice changes daily or hourly. Note what happens to alter that feeling.

Read my free mini-ebook, “The Need to Know.??

Respect and embrace the part of you that needs things “in order?? and “understood.??

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

I would like to have a discussion with you without it turning into an argument. I assume you would like that too.

It seems you have a difficult time dealing with me, especially regarding my need to know. I can understand that. I’m having a hard time dealing with me (said with smile on face.)

I feel like I’ve lost so much. I feel so lost. And, I must find my way through this. I know you can’t do it for me. Although I would appreciate you being there for me in particular ways.

I can’t trust myself anymore. I doubt my gut, I doubt and question what I think. It’s awful. Would you please be willing to acknowledge that with me?

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I spend alot of the time thinking about how she could do this to our family. Going over the last 9 months and all of the events and arguments seems to get me no peace. She has filed for a divorce and I still cannot believe that she would tear apart not only my world but also our two daughter’s world also. I am low, depressed and wondering/hoping that this will end. It is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I live somewhere else and all I want to do is go home and make her happy but she doesn’t want me. It’s in God’s hands all I can do is worry about my kids. My wife of 13 years has left me for a fantasy!

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

• Spend time understanding the patterns. Break Free From the Affair will help you with that.
• Be gracious with the fact that you need to “understand?? to achieve some peace.
• Allow yourself to feel the sadness.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• I hope we can have some kind of resolution. I’m working hard to learn, understand and grow from this.
• It is important that we have some resolution, or at least come to some point soon where we can constructively talk about the care and welfare of our children.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.