It’s also an opportunity for the relationship to move to another level of depth and
richness and intimacy and joy. And it really is, I believe. You may not believe it
right now, but believe me, it is.

I’ve seen hundreds; perhaps thousands of people move to that level and use
infidelity as an opportunity in a springboard for something better in their life.

So let’s take a minute then to reflect upon how you can break free from certain
patterns in your life.

Imagine yourself three months from now. Who do you want to be three months from now?

Imagine what that would feel like, for you to be who you truly want to be three
months from now. What would you be saying? What would you be doing?

Take some time with those questoins. Three months.

Now go a year.

Imagine yourself a year from now, being the person that you truly are, being the
person that you truly want to become. What would that feel like? What would that
look like? What would that be like?

Now let’s ramp it up a notch, and go five years from now.

What do you see for yourself five years from now, being the kind of person that you
truly want to be? Again, what would that feel like? What would that look like? Take
some time with those questions.

Now go to your relationships.

What kind of a relationship would you like to have three months from now? What would
it feel like? What would it be like? What would the interaction be like? Imagine
that; live in that. What would you be doing in that?

Who would you be in that relationship three months from now? What would that feel like?

And again, go ahead a year from now.

What would your relationship like to look like a year from now? What would be the
dynamics of that relationship? What would you be doing with each other; what would
you be doing in that relationship? What would he or she be doing with you?

Then again, take that ahead five years from now.

What would it be like, being who you really want to be, the relationship being what
it truly is meant to be? These are important questions to ask.

Again, what are the patterns that you would like to break free from so that you and
your relationship can become truly who you want to be and truly what it’s meant to
be?

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Infidelity happens. It happens and it feels like the end of the world, doesn’t it?
It can be devastating. The feelings are indescribably intense. The images and the
negative thoughts consume a person for hours, for days, for weeks and sometimes for
months.

The process takes two to four years for normal people to heal, to reconcile, to
forgive and move on.

For those who research, read and study and approach the infidelity intentionally, a
shorter period of time is the result.

There’s a huge investment that’s asked of us when we encounter this demon called
infidelity or an affair.

So let’s think about this a minute. Let’s think about the fact that infidelity is
given to you or happens to you.

Let’s put this in a theoretical framework.

This framework for me, at least, says that life is not problem-free.

Life is filled periodically with times of transitions, times of change, times of
trauma, times of death, times of crisis of various kinds.

We can’t escape it. We try. We work hard not to go there, but I believe that life
offers us and our relationships times of intense challenge, change, transition,
trauma and crisis. A child dies. A person gets sick, cancer, heart attack or is
disabled. Debilitating events pop up and emerge.

You can’t escape. You can’t get away from those kinds of events, and they always
continue until the point of our death.

So where does that leave you and leave you with the infidelity in your life? This is
a challenge to you.

I want you to see infidelity as a gift. That’s right.

Infidelity can be an impetus for you to evolve and develop into the kind of person
you are meant to be and that you truly want to become.

And as well, infidelity can help a relationship evolve and become fully what it’s
meant to be – a deeper, richer relationship.

Infidelity is a gift.

What are you learning about you?

What are you learning about relationships?

Give some thought to those questions.

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As a matter of fact, it is the question that you should ask before you consider any
kind of an intervention or employing a stragegy.

If you don’t ask this question, your interaction with the cheating spouse will be
perceived as either manipulation, coercion, or extreme neediness. And that’s very
unattractive.

First, ask yourself, “Do I truly want to be married to him or her?”

Most people say, “Sure, I want to.” But hold on, not so fast.

Let’s look at some of the underlying issues that this question may bring up for you,
that will stimulate your thinking, and help begin looking at vital issues in terms
of managing you and the affair.

Let me pose these questions.

Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her, or are the feelings of hurt
and pain so intense that you just want them to go away?

Do you really want to be married to him or her? Do you really, truly want to save
the marriage, or do you long for how it used to be? Is that more important to you?
Do you long for the memories that you have, and hope that those can be somehow
restored?

Do you truly want to save the marriage; do you truly want to be married to him or
her? Or do you feel like a failure, and are embarrassed, and by saving the marriage
or being with him or her, you hope to reclaim your lost ego and pride?

Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you miss the old roles? Now the
marriage is in chaos; there’s confusion. Do you miss the stability and the old roles
that seemed to fit very well?

Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you want vindication against
the other person? Do you feel like you’re competing, and must be married so you can
prove to the other person that you’re better than he or she?

And do you truly want to be married, or do you hope that this will just get over so
that you can end the pain that you feel?

You must examine look the underlying issues.

Then you will be ready to effectively, and with power, confront yourself and
confront the relationship and work toward healing and reconciliation if that’s
truly what you want.

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“What am I tolerating; what am I putting up with, and how long do I put up with
that?” is also considered when one thinks about reconciling with a cheating husband
or a cheating wife.

“If we get back together, if we have a workable relationship, what again am I going
to tolerate or put up with? And for how long?”

These are very, very important questions.

Most of us tolerate way, way, way too much.

Most of us are fearful of taking a stand. Most of us are fearful of drawing a line,
fearful of what might happen if we draw a line.

But when we do draw a line, or when we do take a stand, other people, in my
experience, respect that and admire that, and wish they were like that.

So how much do we tolerate? How long do we tolerate it? And how can we move out of
tolerating too much or putting up with too much?

Here’s an exercise that will get you on the road of learning how to get rid of the
tolerations in your life, live a freer life, and make you much, much more
attractive.

Get a piece of paper and pencil.

Make a list of the top 10 things that you are tolerating at home, in your
environment or at work. What are the top 10 things that you are tolerating in your
home, or at work, or in your environment?

Just write quickly, those things that you think about when you think about what
you’re putting up with in that environment.

Second, make a list of the top 10 things that you are tolerating or putting up with
in terms of yourself: I’m too passive. I’m too angry. I’m too aggressive. I’m too
depressed. I weigh too much. My hair isn’t right.

What is it that you’re tolerating or putting up with in terms of yourself?

Third, take another piece of paper and write down the top 10 things that you’re
tolerating in your relationship.

I’m tolerating a rollercoaster relationship. I’m tolerating a boring relationship.
I’m tolerating an angry relationship. I’m tolerating and putting up with a
relationship in which there’s a lot of distance. I’m putting up with a relationship
in which there’s no sex.

Make a list of the top 10 things that you’re tolerating or putting up with in your
relationship.

Fourth, make a list of the top 10 things that you’re putting up with or tolerating
with him/her.

What does s/he say, or s/he do that I must tolerate?

List the top 10 things, and then begin working toward ridding those tolerations. Go
back to the first list; it’s probably easier there to begin eliminating some of
those tolerations.

Once you eliminate the toleration, notice how you feel.

Notice what happens in your environment.

Begin at list one, go to list two, list three, and list four, and begin the process
of putting up and tolerating less; taking a stand and making yourself more
attractive.

Then see what happens in your relationships and see where your decision making
process takes you.

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Knowing the types of affairs enable you to become familiar with the dynamics of the
relationship with your cheating husband or your cheating wife.

Different strategies exist for a particular kind of affair.

You may be looking at more than one type of affair, but choose the affair that seems
most fitting for your particular relationship.

Choose a strategy and begin experimenting.

Take small steps. Don’t throw out everything at once, but take very small steps and
wait for the response.

When you get feedback, take another step.

For example, let’s look at the affair, “I Want to Get Back at Him or Her.”

This affair usually exhibits a simmering resentment and anger that sometimes moves
to rage.

In that type of affair an often effective strategy is to make his or her anger right.

Now it may seem rather weird to make his or her resentment or anger right, but that
strategy is important for that type of affair.

The strategy helps him or her move through the resentment and/or rage and influences
the direction of the adultery or the affair.

Let’s look at “My Marriage Made Me Do It.”

In “My Marriage Made Me Do It” there’s also anger, but it’s a different type of anger.

Backing off is a recommended strategy.

In backing off you refuse to become the victim. You refuse to be the recipient of
his or her blame.

And then you make comments — or meta comments as I call them — about the situation
or about the relationship.

Break Free From the Affair gives examples of meta comments you can use. You can
modify the statements to fit your style or create you own.

Let’s look at another kind of affair, “I Want To Be Close To Someone, But Can’t
Stand Intimacy.”

In a stagnant marriage or relationship, the cheating partner will triangle in a
third party to balance the issue of distance and intimacy.

I recommend a strategy in this particular kind of affair is called “Leaping Your
Partner,” in which you break through the stagnation and the impasse between this
distance and intimacy wall by personally and professionally taking your own leap of
growth.

This often is highly disturbing to the cheating spouse and disturbs the relationship
and offers hope for reconciliation and growth.

The key is experimentation. Choose and experiment with different kinds of strategies
related to the kind of affair that faces you.

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We don’t want to go there because it probably is exceedingly painful, and what we
try to do is we try to get rid of this pain or we try to alleviate this pain.

We may medicate ourselves because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may drink
ourselves into oblivion because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may shop till we
drop because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may try to escape to some island
because we don’t want to feel the pain. We will try to go somewhere so that we don’t
feel the pain.

It is very common to try to not feel the pain, not to think about our worst moments.

But I want you to think about your worst moment, and here’s why.

What is pain? Pain is a belief that I want something, and I’m not getting it. I
want something that’s extremely important for me, and it’s not happening.

Now let’s relate this to infidelity.

Infidelity may trigger thoughts like… I’ve always dreamt of having a family — of
having a loving, warm, beautiful family — and it’s in jeopardy right now. That’s
what I think about in one of my worst moments.

Or pain may mean I always thought that I was going to live with someone forever and
that we would have a happy life. I never dreamt, never thought that I would never
get divorced, and now it’s a possibility.

Pain may mean I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, to be successful, and now
with this I feel like a failure. I feel extremely sad that I’ve failed.

Or it may mean that I have always put hope on being a sexually desirable person. I
wanted to be wanted, and now I’m cast aside. And, I’m sexually replaced by someone
else.

So this is your pain. This may be part of your pain.

Enter into this pain. Face it.

And you ask yourself, “When I feel this pain in my worst moments, what are the
thoughts? What is it that’s really, really important to me?”

Your pain will lead you to that place in which you discover what is vitally
important for you.

So follow your pain, and your pain will lead you to your dreams, your hopes, and
your aspirations.

And if you have a difficult time facing the pain, ask yourself, “What does this
mean that I feel this pain? What does it mean that I’m thinking this?

Continue to ask yourself that question.

I’m in my pain. I must want something. What does it mean to me that I’m here? I use
this statement with people sometimes who are in pain. I say, “Gold is refined
through intense heat.”

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You are angered. You defend yourself. You explain. You give reasons. You defy. You
may shout, you may yell, you may scream. Or you may clam up, you may withdraw, you
may freeze, you may withhold.

You may get depressed, you may move away, you may begin to think, “Poor me.” You may
begin to feel as if you are a victim.

All of these are reactive modes – reacting to what he or she is saying or doing.

Reactivity gets you nowhere.

It perpetuates cycles. Do you ever feel like you’re going in circles? That you can
almost predict what he or she is going to say and you can predict how you’re going
to respond, and you know how he or she is going to respond to your response, and so
on and so forth? You know that cycle?

You find yourself being an unattractive person when you get in this consistent
reactive mode.

What I want for you is I want for you to act, and I want you to act with your power.
I want you to act with your words, with what’s valuable and important for you. I
want you to act, rather than react.

And you say, “OK, yeah, sure.” Easier said than done, isn’t it?

But here’s the beginning point, OK?

When he or she says something that tends to elicit a powerful response within you,
ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me?”

Instead of reacting, ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me? Where in my body
do I feel this trigger?”

Feelings are basically physiological, and when we begin reacting, we feel it in our
bodies.

Shift the focal point from your reactivity to, “Where do I feel this uneasiness?
Where do I feel this in my body, in my head? My chest? My stomach? Where do I feel
it, and what does it feel like?”

Then rate it on a scale of one to ten, “OK this is a ten. This is as bad as it can
get,” or, “This is nine, it’s been worse,” or, “This is eight; it’s getting a little
bit better.”

Rate it on a scale of one to ten, and then be aware of the negative thoughts that
flow through your mind when you feel this awful feeling in your body .

Be aware of what you’re thinking. Be aware of the negative thoughts.

Now this may sound kind of weird or kind of simple, but it’s very, very powerful.
And it’s the beginning step, a basic beginning step for you to move from reactivity
to your own power.

And when you have your power, good things are going to happen.

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Here are four scenarios in which you may consider the need to protect yourself.

The first scenario is for someone who is involved in an “I can’t say no” type of
affair.

In this type of affair the cheating spouse is most likely losing control of his or
her life. You may observe him or her doing down the tubes. More and more it appears
that he or she is unable to control what’s occurring around him or within him or
her.

As the “addiction” progresses you may experience forms of abuse, even physical abuse.

You must be able to set boundaries to protect yourself, or if that doesn’t work,
have an exit plan.

An exit plan lets you know where you can go and who can help you if the abusive
behavior intensifies.

The second scenario occurs in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair.

Verbal abuse may be persistent. You’re persistently blamed for his or her actions.
He or she refuses to take responsibility and passive aggressively points his or her
finger at you as the cause for what’s going on.

I’m often reminded of the story of a frog that’s placed in water on the stove, and
the gas is turned on. The heat is turned up, and the frog is oblivious to the
heating water. Eventually, the frog is boiled.

That sometimes is the case when we’re involved in relationships where there’s a
longtime history of blame and subtle verbal abuse. You become boiled in a way, and
you need to be aware if that is happening.

Thirdly, you may need to protect yourself in the “I fell out of love and just love
being in love” kind of affair.

Impulsivity often reigns. You may need to check your bank account, check your
finances or get an attorney. Make sure that your life is not disintegrating in
those particular areas.

Fourth, consider the “I don’t want to say no” affair in which there’s a sense of
entitlement.

You may need to protect yourself sexually. S/he involved in that type of affair is
often oblivious to precautions. Consequences are not considered.

Your physical health may be at risk if there is sexual activity with him/her.

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If you want to save your marriage, if you want to have a constructive relationship,
if you want to say something or do something that somehow, in some way will
influence the course of the affair, you must know what type of affair it is.

Otherwise, you’re just like a leaf blowing in the wind. You’re like a loose cannon
rattling on the deck. And what you say or what you do will probably cause more harm
than good.

One size does not fit all. You must know what type of affair you’re facing.

Affairs are different. Affairs have different lengths of duration. Affairs begin
because of different motives of your spouse.

The personality characteristics of your spouse will correlate directly with the type
of affair s/he is having.

When people read my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair”, and they go through the
personality characteristics of the person in a particular kind of affair, often
light bulbs go on and say, “Hey, this is him. This is her. This fits him. This fits
her perfectly.”

To influence the affair or to save your marriage, you must do or say something that
fits the type of affair and fits the personality characteristics of your cheating
spouse.

Let me give you a couple examples.

You respond to the affair, “I don’t want to say no,” much differently than to the
affair, “I need to prove my desirability”.

In “I don’t want to say no,” I encourage an aggressive get in his face or get in her
face strategy. In the “I need to prove my desirability,” a person is much more
passive.

You listen. You try to understand.

As you can see the strategies for these types of affairs are tremendously different.

I also have an affair called “I want to be close to someone but can’t stand intimacy.”

For that type of affair, I suggest using the tactic called “leaping your partner.”

However, if you use that tactic (leaping your partner) in the “I want to get back at
him or her” type of affair, your spouse will interpret your strategy as abandonment
and you’ll do more harm than good.

The resentment or the rage will just be intensified, and you don’t want that.

You must know the type of affair.

By knowing the type of affair that you’re facing, you can strategize and use
appropriate tactics that will have the most impact for the results you want.

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A part of you wants the marriage, wants the relationship, and fears losing a
tremendous amount.

And yet there is another part that says, “I am tired of this. I don’t want this. I
don’t like the pain. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am disregarded to
this degree. Why not end it?”

It sometimes is helpful to confront your cheating spouse with your ambivalence.

“You know there is a part of me that really wants to be with you and hopes that we
can have a family and can make it through this. And yet another part of me says I am
not going to live this way.”

And then you say, “At some point I am going to work through this and at some point
I am going to draw a line. I am not sure when. I am not sure what it is going to be
like but I know that I will not live like this forever.”

Those statements often give a sense of power.

And, you are speaking the truth.

When he continues or she continues to see the other person begin to shift your
focal point away from him or her.

A person who says, “What if he or she continues to see the other person?” often is
focusing on the cheating spouse.

Often the wounded spouse checks emails or buys spying equipment or gets on the
computer and tries to track down where he or she is.

The energy, the focal point, is trying to determine whether he or she is seeing the
other person.

I suggest you shift your focal point.

Ask the question (I know this is a really, really difficult question,) “Do I truly,
really in my heart want to be married to him or her?”

Spend a considerable amount of time asking that question and exploring that
question from all angles.

Don’t say, “Sure, I want to be with him or her because I love him.” Don’t use the
word love, dig under that.

What are your true reasons for wanting to be married to him or her?

I have some guided questions that will help you in my ebook, Break Free From the
Affair.

Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her?

That question will help clarify what is truly, truly important to you – what you
value and what your standards and boundaries are for your relationship.

If possible, state to your cheating spouse what you are discovering about,
answering that question.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=continues+seeing+op

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