There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

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Few words. Powerful, pointed words, however.

Charging neutral is easier said than done. It took this woman 2 months to get to the point where she was ready. Note what she had to do to get to that point of confronting him with power, calm and the truth.

Case Study:

When I suspected he was having an affair, I suffered not knowing for sure. I had low self-esteem because I was overweight, so before I confronted him, I worked out for two months. I told myself I had to look better in order to empower myself through better self-esteem. When I looked better, I wrote him a long letter and asked him to read it, discussing our marriage, my feelings, his bad treatment of me, but didn’t mention the affair suspicions. I wanted to confront him with that face to face to see his eyes, his reaction. The letter broke the wall between us, then I used that opening to ask him. He admitted to it, said he was already going to end it, he was sorry, and didn’t want me know or be hurt. I am still in so much pain…but it was a beginning, and hopefully we will see this through, and I will find peace in my heart one day.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

self improvement has been the best..losing weight, more care about my appearance. But I still suffer….it has been 7 months since I confronted him. But exercise and self improvement, and asking him to aknowledge how badly I hurt has helped.

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Read what others say about the impact of infidelity on their lives”

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU?

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke.

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She took the show and audience by storm. And, now she (her performance) has the world writing, reading and viewing this extraordinary event beyond belief.

If you haven’t seen the video (viewed by over 80,000,000 at this point) see it now. Try one of these links: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk, http://www.youtube.com/user/BritainsSoTalented or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

I spent at least 3 hours Sunday playing the video over and over and over. It brought a veritable flood of feelings and thoughts that I could not let go. I was mesmerized.

What’s the appeal? What’s the power?

Much has been written on the power of her performance and I too, want to share my thoughts?

So, who is Susan Boyle?

You look at Susan Boyle and you see yourself. You don’t want to admit it, but you see yourself. There is this self in the hidden recesses of the greater you that you avoid. You look at Susan and see that part of you that is unattractive and dowdy. You see the part that feels isolated, that feels alone and unconnected, that part that long ago had a dream but that dream shattered by the perceived reality of your world. You see that dufuss.

And you see that part most powerfully when you are in crisis, when you face loss, when your worth and essence is called into question when you face failure and when you live the life flattened by the shattered dream. There she is… that dufuss.

And so, the audience looked at Susan and in their latent anxiety began to roll their eyes, ridicule, mock and deride Susan for her seeming dowdiness. What a dufuss! Simon rolls his eyes. Amanda, “What’s THIS?” Piers laughs. (The panel of judges.)

And then Susan begins to sing… and her voice emerges. This is the “real” Susan. This is the part of her that for so long wanted to be expressed, wanted to emerge. Her dream speaks! Beautiful! Powerful! The heart and soul of Susan in all her inner boldness and confidence stands before us.

The anxiety bound ridicule of the audience is transformed to cheers and applause as Susan begins to sing, “I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high And life worth living,” She sings her dream. (Yes, maybe for me too, there is that inner core of strength and beauty that wants to sing with notes of clarity and perfection. I too remember that dream in time gone by.)

The camera shifts to Piers who swallows that lump when he hears “Then I was young and unafraid, And dreams were made and used and wasted.”

And Susan ends:

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

This is all of us. This is all of us, especially as life around us seemingly recedes. We lose. We lose the “dream.” We believe we are diminished.

But, perhaps it was the wrong dream? Or, not MY dream? Or maybe there was something else… all along.

…That the audience and judges (and the other 80,000,000 views of this video) discover as Susan becomes her Dream.

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http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/surviving-infidelity/infidelity-self-care.htm

The Power of Knowledge – Books and Spying Device

http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/surviving-infidelity/knowledge-spying-device.htm

The Power of Faith and Living in Limbo

http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/surviving-infidelity/power-faith-living-limbo.htm

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At that point decisions are made (mostly unconscious, I believe) that move the person toward health. There is ALWAYS an internal part of each of us that works for our health the well-being.

Coping with infidelity is a matter of embracing that part.

Here are three comments from readers that describe where they started with infidelity.

“The affair made me very mad and disgusted because this is not who I thought he was or that he could do this after 22 years of marriage. After reading your book, I now focus on what I need realizing that I am not to blame. My communication has changed, emotions are under control and I have a life to live. I stopped thinking about how to fix this and work on the new normal which is, working on me.”

“1)I use to have a feeling of complete security. That as long as he was alive, he would be there for me if I had a time of need. That secure feeling is gone. Life seems more risky. I now know there might not be a safety net. 2) I don’t feel completely committed anymore. I have one eye out for assuring that our joint decisions don’t have negative repercussions for me if we aren’t together until death do us part. 3) I miss the unconditional love feeling I used to have for him. However, to protect myself from ever hurting that badly again, a part of me is staying a little reserved. I love him, but I’m holding a little back so that if he hurts me again, it won’t be quite as painful.”

“— IMPACT — * FEEL INFERIOR, LESS OF A MAN, BEATEN, A FOOL. * USED * BETRAYED * SAD — CHANGE — * NO FAITH IN MARRIAGE OR WOMEN * BROKEN HEART (X3) THAT MAY NEVER HEAL * NO TRUST FOR MY WIFE — SPENDING TIME — * EXERCISE/WEIGHT LIFTING/TAKING CARE OF MYSELF * CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE; CELL PHONE BILLS/COMPUTER * PONDERING LIFE WITH A REAL COMPANION. This is the third time I have been cheated on. My current wife an I are still together but it is not the same. She wants me to forgive her. She has no idea what this has done to me. I am a good looking and successful man, yet she had a fling anyway with another married man at the urging of whom were once her friends. She is not capable of taking care of herself. In fact she was fired for lack of performance and “misuse” of the internet at work. This was most likely the e-mails she was exchanging with the other man. Her former employer liked me very much, however, they had their reasons to fire her. She is now a house wife now. I feel she is waiting for Mr.Wonderful ($) to come along a rescue her. In the meantime I have developed a insecurity problem and am trying to deal with this the best I can. I think she really does love me but she does this because she can’t help it. Time will tell. I don’t think I have control of this one.”

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How do you maintain yourself, keep your focus and keep the life of your family intact when this happens?

And, please remember, once we discover infidelity we tend to be hopeful that it will soon end and the marriage be restored. This does not always happen.

Here are some responses from my readers. Note I use the words “charging neutral” to describe a skill needed to intervene with the spouse and maintain ones’ equilibrium.

Reader #1:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

My goal is to close the gap in the broken circle that was once my family. i thought i needed my “husband” to make my circle complete but i am learning to close it myself. i have realized that the only person i can really count on is myself ( and my parents of course). i have focused on healing my children and i am getting a part time job.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

Reader #2:

The turning point is me accepting the fact that he will never show “remorse” or take responsibility for his actions. this way i can dictate the provisions of his visitation with my children and state my financial needs and not feel greedy. i just decided that i have not had what i have needed or wanted for so long that it is now time for me. i have also realized that even though i am lonely, everything good i do will lead to something else.

He has made himself out to be the victim, even though he is the one who betrayed me and my family. It is infuriating to know that he has justified everything, and rationalized his behavior, to absolve his own guilt. For the sake of his adult children, I have asked him to face the truth, but he will not. … You asked for goals. My goal is to restore the relationship, which seems impossible at this point. For myself, I exercise regularly and that has been a great way to keep my stress under control and help me get the sleep I need. I pray daily and this helps keep me focused on my inner peace, knowing that I must rely on God for my strength and for guidance in making wise decisions. It is still very difficult to be around him because of his attitude, so mostly I avoid it. This gives few opportunities to “charge neutral.” Recently, I told him I will not tolerate the disrespectful way he treats me. He immediately said he does not disrespect me. I listed several actions that I find disrespectful. Since then he has stopped doing some of those things.

Reader #3:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

In my situation, I have tried to learn the lessons and take positive advice away from this. I am on a quest for spiritual growth and want to improve form the inside. I am not hiding form new relationship, but I want to be able to look at them and know for sure what I am getting into.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

My wife of 15 years (53 years old) is deep into a mid life crisis. She has turned 18 all over. She ran off with a guy who does not even have a job, is an alcoholic, does drugs, and who knows what else. I tried for a year to work with her but to no avail. After reading Break Free and learning about the type of affair I was dealing with (my marriage made me do it) I came to the realization that Dr. Huizena’s advice about taking care of your self and improving your own life is the best way to handle all this mess. I had to laugh at myself when I read about the 12 things you should not do. I did them all. And I was feeling terrible about myself. I kept looking for the mistakes I had made that caused my marriage to fail. After reading the book, I started working on me. I am in counseling and am working on why I am the way I am. I probably will never see my ex wife again. I really do not care at this point. I am getting to the place that I feel good about me. I am pursuing my personal goals, have changed jobs (more money) and am just improving my life in all areas. Once I started working on me I realized that the affair issues were hers and not mine. She is living the life she created and I am much better off without her. Make no mistake it took a long time to see this and get to this point. I still have a ways to go. My ex has refused to acknowledge her role in all this and blames the marriage or me for our failure. What a load of horse hockey. The more I see her for what she is, the easier for me to move into a positive direction. Come to the point of knowing that it is not your fault and you did not do anything wrong to make your spouse have an affair. Look to your spiritual beliefs to help you move forward. I did. Take care of your self.

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I asked my readers about the impact of infidelity on their lives. Where they begin from at the moment of discovery. Here are some comments:

I constantly think about the affair. I can’t shake the thoughts. I find myself thinking alot more and trying to analyze the whole situation. My time is spent mostly working or sitting staring off into space thinking and trying to deal with it the best way I know how. I have a lower self esteem because of the affair, as I feel that I am not good enough for him any more, and that he is in search of something better. I have many feelings that I never had before, such as, hatred, and jealousy to name just a couple. I have a lot of hate for the other woman, so much so, that it scares me! I love my husband very much, but I hate what he did to us!!!

At first, it made me think that I was not good enough for my husband of 19 years. However, I have realized that I deserve better than what he has given me. I now think that what I once thought was safe and sacred is always going to be at risk now. I constantly worry if it will happen again. Now I spend my time concentrating on my boys and myself. I don’t have time or energy to dissect all of his moods and actions. So, I try to move on and do the best I can with what is left of my dignity.

I do not trust anyone now. I look for the lie no matter who is doing the talking, I question everything. I pay better attention to detail. Always on the lookout, not sure what I am looking for just always looking. And waiting for an answer a clie like you said I have tried it all over the last 4 years. Have been divorced for 2 years but we are still in limbo for some reason. The Lies have changed me! I try to spend my time for me but he always creeps into whateber I do. Where he is What hes doing …. I stay home alot never use to. Lost most of my friends and family over his affair. It just doesn’t stop.

I no longer believe in anything that I once did including God. I feel fat, dumpy, old and without any hope of change. No matter what I have done, i.e.lose weight, work out, more open, he continues to see her and to lie about it. I feel betrayed and devastated by his choice to have an affair rather than talk about his issues with our marriage.

I think about his history with me and how I can probably never trust him I am doing positive things for myself -losing weight, having my hair done more, nails done, personal improvements. I am not quiting my job I am spending less time with others and devoting more time to us time I was doing more for him but he did not respond by doing more for me, so I’ve stopped we have plans to re new our vows in several weeks but I am not sure he is really into it as I am, but he is going to do it he won’t tell me anymore about the other person except that it is over & I should not worry I could go on.

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Domestic surveillance is off 75%. The people who do the surveillance say people can’t afford affairs. And, people are doing their own snooping by checking their blackberry’s, emails, etc. Fancy dinners out are off. Affairs happen in someone’s home, not the Ritz. the “no tell motel” and the car are more popular. Some go to the park. Divorce = 37% of divorce lawyers said divorce is down. “It is cheaper to keep her”

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Read these comments from folks struggling with the impact of infidelity:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1- His infidelity made me feel worthless, as if every thing we have done together toward the relationship, was not enough for him (maybe it wasn’t) but why to lie and act as if everything was okey? 2- In a matter of minutes I went from happy, confident, smart, funny, and patient to anxious, stupid, retarded, and sad. I lost my self-esteem and desire to have a career, nice house, anything with him. I’m so anxious around him that I can barely drive, or talk and understand (I’m a Spanish speaker, his American) 3- I didn’t have any reason to go to work, gym, shopping, party, or just talk to people. I was afraid someone could know and ask me about it. I lost my pride. 4- I normally receive lots of compliments, from friends, customers, and strangers! but I only receive critics from him. I never look perfect for him, he always find something wrong, and that makes me insecure because I have to think about how to please him and myself at the same time.

Infidelity has changed the way my husband thinks about us. He is staying with me out of obligation. Therefore I think a lot about my value as a marriage partner, and what I could give to someone who truly wants me in his life. I would be a gold mine for someone who would appreciate me. The affair has changed him as a person. He seems to get so little joy in anything and has become very self-absorbed…therefore he is unable and lacks desire to give me what I need in marriage. I am the one doing all the trying. Therefore I think again about options for me. His affair has left me untrusting. This is his 3rd affair, and makes me question why I would stay with someone like this. He is a good man and a good provider. We have been married 39 years, have a great family and some great memories. We have been commuting between DC and AZ for several years due to job situations. We built a new home in the DC 1 1/2 years ago, and I was to move here in that time. Things had been great until a year ago when his affair changed all that. (He has no idea how the affair happened, but refuses to understand the whys and hows of it.) I have had great therapy through all this turmoil. After much thought, I recently gave up my home and my job in AZ to come to DC where he has been living so as to try to put this marriage back together again. It is a work in progress. I spend my time doing things in the home and I am a physical fitness buff…so my days are easily filled with meaningful things. I am a people pleaser and have a lot of friends. But I do miss work. My life where it was once very secure, is now filled with questions and doubt. I am a spiritual person and I know I was led to come here to try to save my marriage. In the event this does not work out, I want to feel comfortable in the knowledge I did everything I could to preserve what we had before I toss away 39 years. I am an extremely competent, attractive and full of life. If I had to I know I would make it on my own. But my life is definitely different and somewhat uncertain. At a time when we should be contemplating retirement and enjoying our 3 beautiful grandchildren….life is now one big question mark for me. Thank you

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