Most of the time, those who have been cheated on imagine that the reason why their partners engage in affairs is because they aren’t satisfied sexually in your relationship, that they get that satisfaction from the other person. This isn’t always true.

There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

This case study illustrates the importance of what I call charging neutral. The bottom line: place yourself in a position in which you, with an inner calm and strength, can state your position and concerns, your version of the truth, with clarity.

Few words. Powerful, pointed words, however.

Charging neutral is easier said than done. It took this woman 2 months to get to the point where she was ready. Note what she had to do to get to that point of confronting him with power, calm and the truth.

Case Study:

When I suspected he was having an affair, I suffered not knowing for sure. I had low self-esteem because I was overweight, so before I confronted him, I worked out for two months. I told myself I had to look better in order to empower myself through better self-esteem. When I looked better, I wrote him a long letter and asked him to read it, discussing our marriage, my feelings, his bad treatment of me, but didn’t mention the affair suspicions. I wanted to confront him with that face to face to see his eyes, his reaction. The letter broke the wall between us, then I used that opening to ask him. He admitted to it, said he was already going to end it, he was sorry, and didn’t want me know or be hurt. I am still in so much pain…but it was a beginning, and hopefully we will see this through, and I will find peace in my heart one day.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

self improvement has been the best..losing weight, more care about my appearance. But I still suffer….it has been 7 months since I confronted him. But exercise and self improvement, and asking him to aknowledge how badly I hurt has helped.

Infidelity impacts your world. Your world, your relationships, how you view yourself will NEVER be the same. But, hey, that’s not all bad. We are always growing, always evolving and often infidelity accelerates that process.

Read what others say about the impact of infidelity on their lives”

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU?

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke.