On one of my coaching calls the other day a woman confided that her husband was having an “inappropriate” relationship with his therapist. The therapist (a female) was having lunch with him, inviting him to activities, inviting him over to her house and was sending emails that were talked about her fondness for him.

My client suspected much more was going on, although she did not have proof.

Each therapeutic community (I am licensed by the state of Michigan as a Marriage and Family Therapist and also am a Certified Social worker in the state of Michigan) has a code or set of ethics that prohibits what’s called “dual relationships.”

Tight, effective “boundaries” must be set by the therapist to protect the client, who in most cases is vulnerable. As well, the therapist, whether s/he admits or not is in an one-up position of power. That power is NOT to be abused.

I suggested to my client that she call the agency for which this therapist worked (a Christian agency by the way, where frequently boundaries are problematic and ignored in the guise of “helping” someone) and present what she knew of the relationship and express her concerns. I also suggested she inform them that she might take the information to the appropriate licensing agency.

“Inappropriate” therapist-client relationships are not to be tolerated.

I asked my readers when they first began to suspect infidelity or an extramarital affair. Here are 9 responses to first discerning the signs of infidelity:

1. Said she loved me but was not in love with me!

2. I first noticed signs when my oldest child, a son was about to graduate from high school. He became more aloof towards me, began losing weight, wearing cologne to work, passwording his e-mail and telephone, etc…classic symptoms that I tried to pass off as empty nest signs.

3. The 60 minute appointment (masseuse) once a week became twice weekly ritual. Phone records showed he was calling her obsessively. Caller ID showed me she was calling him but she’d hang up when I answered. Friends reported him helping her at her shop (hanging pictures, assembling furniture)…trust me, he isn’t handy at home

4. Aloofness when at home. Distant. Stopped having sex with me. Lying about where he was or was going or just leaving without saying anything.

5. He became cold, hostile, argumentative, picked fights,was on his computer late at night, accused me of spying on him. Annoyed if I tried to have a conversation. Told me not to ask him any questions. Just before I found out, he said he didn’t want sex anymore unless I would do certain things he wanted that he knew I found offensive.

6. his appearance and staying late at work

7. regular going out, irritability

8. He was still coming home from work (he owns the business) at his “normal” time - always “works” late - but smelled of booze- was sometimes to the point of being glassy eyed and wobbly - had a smug look on his face - like he was proud of himself for blatantly disrespecting my wishes - I had agreed to marry him only after several years of him not drinking (he frequently drank to excess when we were first dating). I looked in his day timer and found notes that he was keeping about how he went back to the bar every day for several days - just in case she was working - and then about his daily meetings with this waitress.

9. 3 months after it started. Talking on the phone alot (CELL). Then caught in the motel by her husband.

It’s Thanksgiving time in the USA.

Time to eat, be with family, eat, be with family and give thanks.

Maybe this is a sad time for you.

Maybe it’s a confusing time for you.

It’s probably a painful time for you.

And, where does the pain come from?

Most of the time, it’s my experience in working with thousands over the past two plus decades, that fear resides under your pain.

You are afraid of losing; of losing your family, losing your home, losing your spouse, losing your pride, losing your dignity, losing your respect, losing what you have worked so hard for, losing your dreams, losing your hopes, losing your health, losing sleep, losing your job, losing to another person….

The list could go on. You perhaps can fill in more of the blanks.

And, if you’ve been through infidelity you know that the list of fears is long… very long. It seems as if EVERYTHING is at stake with infidelity. You feel like you stand on the edge of losing it all.

How do you get through this? How do others get through this? (And yes, they do… all the time. They emerge on the other side better, brighter, richer, more peaceful, more confident, more able to handle life.)

How are you able to use the mantra “This too Shall Pass” so that it sticks in your soul and gives hope?

What gets you there? Where do you start?

Can you give thanks on this day?

Please know this: Underneath all the fears, all the pain, all the confusion all the garbage you wade through at this moment is YOU.

Yes, YOU are there. YOU, with your beauty, (although you may not think it.) YOU with your strength (some days you wonder.) You with your power to love and give (maybe not feeling like that now.) YOU with your capacity to dream (although is seems the dream fades.) YOU with your warmth to touch others (although you may not feel like touching.)

Yes, there is YOU. And no one can EVER take that YOU away. That YOU will NEVER be lost!

Do you know that YOU now? Can you welcome beneath your anguish and fear that YOU? Can you reach out and welcome that YOU that resides at the core of your being? Can you feel that power of that YOU? Yes, feel it now! Can you sense the overwhelming capacity of that YOU to love? Can you feel the peace of that YOU? Can that YOU express to you his/her fearlessness? His/her power? His/her everlastingness?

I want that for you! I want that for me! I want everyone who reads my material, who talks to me, who intersects my life to feel IT, to know IT, to embrace IT.

Can you know YOU this day? Can you give thanks for YOU today?

Have no fear, you are on the way. Infidelity and the challenges of life awaken the YOU in you and you come to know how badly you want YOU.

Thanksgiving peace!