Here’s another example of charging neutral - the most powerful skill you can use in coping with infidelity and for confrontations of all varieties.

By the way, this scenario is very common once an affair is brought into the open. It is relevant to a couple of the types of affairs I outline in my e-book.

Thanks to Joanne (who gave me permission to share this) for her story about charging neutral.

Thank you for all your advise. I have been going through this since I found out about my spouses affair. Jan 2008. The other women called my teenage daughters and told them everything. I still to this day don’t know when it started with them, but phone records show it started in Aug of 2007. My spouse has never come clean, he says its over and that he wants to come home, but he is a jekyl and hyde and one minute I know him and the next minute I don’t. He is living with his mother and hates it. We have been married over 20 years and this was a total shock. The thing that really bothered me most is that he never made any attempt to make things right with my daughters or myself. Very self centered. Winter is coming now and I know that he wants to be back our house. I packed up all his winter clothes and took them over to his mothers house the other day. He went crazy, knowing that I didn’t want him back. He cried and told me he loved me, that it was over and that he wanted to come home. I told him we had to work on it, but I think his idea of working on it should be one more talk and then move back home. We decided to meet the to have a talk and for him to come clean. I guess this scared him, so he called me and said he didn’t want to get together. Thinking I was going to lose it, I just said to him ” I think your lies are hurting you more than they are hurting me.” Charged neutral. Hes been calling me constantly. I care about him deeply and worry about him, but I know that he has to be the person I knew and lived with for the last 20 years. I also have to consider the feelings of my daughters. He has been raging at me, telling me horrible things, accusing me of all the things he probably did. I read your book back in March of 2008, and had trouble understanding this “charging neutral” I finally understand it. I get it. I think it took me a long time to understand how I needed to approach the situation. I practiced, and I finally understand. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I hope it is good, but I finally have control of my own feelings, and wont let his mistakes control my feelings anymore. Thank you again, I continue to read your submissions. Joanne

In my ebook, Break Free From the Affair, I focus on a specific skill that exudes power.

Understanding and implementing this skill is often much more difficult than it would seem.

Here’s a person who “got it.”

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I have learned that by “reacting” to my spouse’s affair, my spouse would get into a “defend mode”. And when a person is in this defend mode, they have tunnel vision and can only see what they want to see or think they see, and can’t hear any kind of reasoning, they only hear what they want or think they have heard. Also, when in this defend mode, words fly that maybe neither one of us didn’t really want to say or mean. So, I have practiced “Charging Neutral”. I stay very calm, almost no emotion involved, and always look them in the eye to show this is NOT going to hurt me like they think. So when my spouse and I had the “affair” talk, my spouse is the one blowing up and in a rage. I on the other hand stayed calm and would repeat what was just said to me, as to confirm to my spouse what I just heard. Most times my spouse will hear from me what was just said, and boy does it sound stupid to my spouse. If my spouse yells that “we are done!”, I may just repeat what was just said in a different way, “well I know you want to live by your self”, then follow up with “I hope you realize that you have the chance of loosing everything”. Again, by speaking in a non caring and calm manner, they can actually hear you, or hear what they just said. How can they, the one having an affair, justify to themselves or to us, any of their reasoning as being a good enough reason to have the affair in the first place. This Charging Neutral way of speaking is so non threatening to them, they have nothing to defend their actions, and they start to rethink their own actions. By the way, my spouse’s affair almost did us in. Only by me going to therapy and me reading these newsletters did I finally learn how to handle this bad situation and learned how to save my marriage. I am a very strong person emotionally and mentally now, so if this is ever presented to me again, I now have the courage and power to turn the table around and kick thier butt out the door with no regrets. No regrets on my part because I am in control of myself, but my spouse will not know what hit, and will be so confused and hurt by their own actions….why?…because of staying and being calm and having a non caring type of an attitude, even though it hurts like hell. (People seek to please others when given positive attention and kindness…People don’t seek others with reactive or defensive actions. Just like speaking to a young child).

Abusive relationships are dangerous. Infidelity often exacerbates that danger. It adds another explosive element.

Here’s the question I posed for my readers and some responses:

1. What online or offline resources have you found helpful in dealing with abuse, criticism and blame from a cheating spouse and… how did you find them helpful?

I have a wonderful counselor who has helped me with the verbal abuse that my husband dishes out to me. She will tell me what to say then I put it into practice. I’m thankful for this email as well. The other source is listening to Joyce Myer every day and relying on God in lots of way. But I do stress be careful when in any of these situations.

Patricia Evans book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” Finding this resources was the triggering event for confronting my ex-husband’s behaviors and learning to disengage. Ironically, the first person with whom I shared what was really going on my my relationship, my then closest friend who is a physician’s assistant, dismissed my concerns telling me everyone had these issues. Luckily I continued to pursue information and actually had two email exchanges with Patricia Evans.

Susan Forward’s books, specifically, “When Your Lover is a Liar. Dr. Oakley and her book, “Evil Genes.” She and I have been communication.

Dr. Huizenga’s site.

The book, “The Sociopath Next Door.” My surgeon who performed my reconstruction following breast cancer. She is THE BEST physician I’ve ever known both in her incredible talent as a surgeon and her ability to empathize and demonstrate true compassion for others. She got me the medical attention I needed as I had gone from 150# to 114# and am 5′10″. My local docs did nothing so she referred me, the same day I saw her, to her personal physician. This physician was also thorough, compassionate and empathetic and prescribed me meds to help reduce my anxiety and depression.

The Psalms and daily meditations using books from the Center for Non Violent Communication.

Articles and books both on and off-line regarding sociopaths and sex addiction. Two authors in particular, Dr. Hare and Dr. Patrick Carnes.

My therapist and a few close friends. Luckily my dad, who is 87, was still here for me as the majority of my family and friends either didn’t believe me or did not want to hear about my situation.

Coping with Divorce seminar.

I wish there was a program for spouses of cheaters who exhibit either sociopathic or narcissistic PD. I think it is far more difficult to accept the end of a marriage when you finally realize you have been conned for 20+ years and your spouse just disappears.