There are some people who feel some kind of entitlement in having the perfect partner, and tend to move from one person to the next in the pursuit of that. There are also those who are so in love with the idea of being in love that they neglect actually working on their relationships to stay being in love, and look for that feeling elsewhere instead.

Another type of affair could be caused by a partner’s need for revenge for some reason. It could be because of something you did or something you did not do. It could also be caused by anger of some sort over a conflict you had.

Some tend to engage in affairs to kind of affirm their desirability, not always to other people, but most of the time to themselves. And there are those who are confused about the balance of intimacy and distance, and tend to look somewhere else for help in that area.

Whatever the reason is behind your partner’s infidelity, understanding it will be the key in discovering and developing the right approach in your pursuit to save your marriage.

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There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

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There have been plenty of cases where the one involved in an affair did not tell his or her partner about it, and have never been discovered. This should tell you to make yourself aware of any signs that could point to your partner having an affair. The most basic of all is a change in habits and behavioral patterns. You could be sensing that something is “off” or “out of character” with your partner but not be able to say specifically what it is.

Although trust is a very important aspect in any relationship, you should be a little cautious when you notice that something is different with your partner, and be brave enough to confront him or her about it. A change in behavior may not always mean that he or she is having an affair, but there still is that possibility.

Educate yourself and understand that there are different kinds of affairs – why and how they start, what it means to your partner, and how your relationship affected his or her decision to go through with it.

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You are angered. You defend yourself. You explain. You give reasons. You defy. You
may shout, you may yell, you may scream. Or you may clam up, you may withdraw, you
may freeze, you may withhold.

You may get depressed, you may move away, you may begin to think, “Poor me.” You may
begin to feel as if you are a victim.

All of these are reactive modes – reacting to what he or she is saying or doing.

Reactivity gets you nowhere.

It perpetuates cycles. Do you ever feel like you’re going in circles? That you can
almost predict what he or she is going to say and you can predict how you’re going
to respond, and you know how he or she is going to respond to your response, and so
on and so forth? You know that cycle?

You find yourself being an unattractive person when you get in this consistent
reactive mode.

What I want for you is I want for you to act, and I want you to act with your power.
I want you to act with your words, with what’s valuable and important for you. I
want you to act, rather than react.

And you say, “OK, yeah, sure.” Easier said than done, isn’t it?

But here’s the beginning point, OK?

When he or she says something that tends to elicit a powerful response within you,
ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me?”

Instead of reacting, ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me? Where in my body
do I feel this trigger?”

Feelings are basically physiological, and when we begin reacting, we feel it in our
bodies.

Shift the focal point from your reactivity to, “Where do I feel this uneasiness?
Where do I feel this in my body, in my head? My chest? My stomach? Where do I feel
it, and what does it feel like?”

Then rate it on a scale of one to ten, “OK this is a ten. This is as bad as it can
get,” or, “This is nine, it’s been worse,” or, “This is eight; it’s getting a little
bit better.”

Rate it on a scale of one to ten, and then be aware of the negative thoughts that
flow through your mind when you feel this awful feeling in your body .

Be aware of what you’re thinking. Be aware of the negative thoughts.

Now this may sound kind of weird or kind of simple, but it’s very, very powerful.
And it’s the beginning step, a basic beginning step for you to move from reactivity
to your own power.

And when you have your power, good things are going to happen.

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Some prefer not to talk about the affair or talk about the situation.

You may find it extremely difficult to talk. You may be embarrassed.

Or, you may not want others to know for fear of embarrassment or for fear that if
others find out; somehow your talking to another will get around to your cheating
spouse and might make matters worse.

It’s frequently difficult to talk to family and friends.

In some ways you’re too close to family and friends. They discover that someone is
having an affair close to them and they react. They’re not sure how to respond.

Many people have myths and stereotypes about infidelity, so their response is often
less than helpful.

Family or friends may say, “Kick him/her out. Why do you put up with this?”

But you know that it’s not that simple.

So many people that you talk to won’t understand and won’t be able to guide you or
give you the kind of support or the kind of help that you really, truly need.

Now this is also true in the case of professionals. I’m a licensed marriage and
family therapist in the state of Michigan and a certified social worker for the past
27 years.

In my training in marriage and family therapy, the issue of infidelity was never
brought up as a specific sub-category.

Professional therapists may try to extrapolate certain concepts onto the animal of
infidelity. This does not often work.

If you do seek therapy, seek out a therapist who ideally is recommended by someone
who has success with that therapist in the arena of infidelity, if possible.

The Internet, the web, has been a lifesaving place for many, many people suffering
from the agony of infidelity.

I have a support group on Ning, which is I think now about 2,500 members and very
active. Go to: http://infidelity-support.ning.com/?xgi=gMHG8sg

I also have a support group on Facebook that is less active but, again, serves a
purpose. Go to Facebook and do a search on infidelity and you will find the support
group.

I also have a chat room that is visited by a number of people consistently. Chatters
say, “You know, the chat room has really been my savior. When I can’t sleep at
night, I go there and talk to people and I’ve made fast and true friends.”

As a matter of fact, a few years ago I got an email from somebody who said that they
were getting together locally with a group of people who were meeting in my chat
room to support and encourage each other.

Here’s the link for the chatroom: http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom

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If you want to save your marriage, if you want to have a constructive relationship,
if you want to say something or do something that somehow, in some way will
influence the course of the affair, you must know what type of affair it is.

Otherwise, you’re just like a leaf blowing in the wind. You’re like a loose cannon
rattling on the deck. And what you say or what you do will probably cause more harm
than good.

One size does not fit all. You must know what type of affair you’re facing.

Affairs are different. Affairs have different lengths of duration. Affairs begin
because of different motives of your spouse.

The personality characteristics of your spouse will correlate directly with the type
of affair s/he is having.

When people read my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair”, and they go through the
personality characteristics of the person in a particular kind of affair, often
light bulbs go on and say, “Hey, this is him. This is her. This fits him. This fits
her perfectly.”

To influence the affair or to save your marriage, you must do or say something that
fits the type of affair and fits the personality characteristics of your cheating
spouse.

Let me give you a couple examples.

You respond to the affair, “I don’t want to say no,” much differently than to the
affair, “I need to prove my desirability”.

In “I don’t want to say no,” I encourage an aggressive get in his face or get in her
face strategy. In the “I need to prove my desirability,” a person is much more
passive.

You listen. You try to understand.

As you can see the strategies for these types of affairs are tremendously different.

I also have an affair called “I want to be close to someone but can’t stand intimacy.”

For that type of affair, I suggest using the tactic called “leaping your partner.”

However, if you use that tactic (leaping your partner) in the “I want to get back at
him or her” type of affair, your spouse will interpret your strategy as abandonment
and you’ll do more harm than good.

The resentment or the rage will just be intensified, and you don’t want that.

You must know the type of affair.

By knowing the type of affair that you’re facing, you can strategize and use
appropriate tactics that will have the most impact for the results you want.

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And the answer to that is no.

It will not be the same as it was before. And there probably always will be a part
of you that holds back to some degree, always remembers.

The trust has been tarnished.

But the trust can be reinstated, can be restored. However, it doesn’t happen easily.

It takes anywhere from three to eighteen months with both working individually and
together discussing, soul searching, examining at what you want from each other,
declaring yourselves, doing everything you need to feel ninety nine percent sure
that his or her words and actions are predictable and trustworthy.

So, yes you can trust again, although it is a long path and it probably is a path
that would be very difficult but well worth it.

You can move your relationship to new levels of intimacy and understanding even
though the trauma lurks in the background.

Another dimension of this question, Will I ever trust again?” is “Will I ever be
able to enter into a loving relationship?”

The underlying concern: “Will you ever be able to trust yourself again?”

You see you have been burned. You have lost your bearings and in ways you have lost
your ability to trust your intuition, your own instincts and you are saying can I
ever use those again to enter into a loving relationship?

Can I trust myself? Will I know what the flags are? Will I know when I am going to
get hurt again? These are very legitimate questions.

To address this question, begin thinking about the standards you have for a loving
relationship? What’s extremely important for you in a loving relationship?

Begin to define those standards very clearly.

Look at boundaries. What are the boundaries you need in your life to protect you?
And when you see a red flag and when you believe you are walking down that path
where you might get hurt, how do you set those boundaries to protect you?

And then the third thing I want you to do is to reflect on the signs of a healthy
relationship? What would it look like to be in a healthy relationship and what does
it look like to be in a non healthy relationship?

Reconfigure you. Redesign you with your standards front and center.
Knowing how to set boundaries and knowing what to look for in a healthy relationship
will enable able you to trust you and in trusting you, will be free to trust others.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=trust+again%3F

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The woman petitioned for a court order to prevent her from being “stalked” by the PI.

The judge ruled against her, claiming her husband had a right to use the evidence in divorce proceedings.

See more the sordid details at http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1202441790642&Snooping_by_Detective_Legitimate_Part_of_Divorce_Process_Judge_Finds

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Overcoming infidelity takes a lot of work.

According to the video, there are five questions you should ask yourself to find out if your marriage can survive:

1. Do you have children?
2. Have the good times outweighed the bad
3. Do you have common interests besides sex?
4. Can you both truly forgive?
5. Can trust be restored?

What would Dr. Huizenga disagree with in this video? Please leave your comments below.

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