You may react strongly, powerful emotions may be triggered in you, when your
cheating spouse says or does something.

You are angered. You defend yourself. You explain. You give reasons. You defy. You
may shout, you may yell, you may scream. Or you may clam up, you may withdraw, you
may freeze, you may withhold.

You may get depressed, you may move away, you may begin to think, “Poor me.” You may
begin to feel as if you are a victim.

All of these are reactive modes – reacting to what he or she is saying or doing.

Reactivity gets you nowhere.

It perpetuates cycles. Do you ever feel like you’re going in circles? That you can
almost predict what he or she is going to say and you can predict how you’re going
to respond, and you know how he or she is going to respond to your response, and so
on and so forth? You know that cycle?

You find yourself being an unattractive person when you get in this consistent
reactive mode.

What I want for you is I want for you to act, and I want you to act with your power.
I want you to act with your words, with what’s valuable and important for you. I
want you to act, rather than react.

And you say, “OK, yeah, sure.” Easier said than done, isn’t it?

But here’s the beginning point, OK?

When he or she says something that tends to elicit a powerful response within you,
ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me?”

Instead of reacting, ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me? Where in my body
do I feel this trigger?”

Feelings are basically physiological, and when we begin reacting, we feel it in our
bodies.

Shift the focal point from your reactivity to, “Where do I feel this uneasiness?
Where do I feel this in my body, in my head? My chest? My stomach? Where do I feel
it, and what does it feel like?”

Then rate it on a scale of one to ten, “OK this is a ten. This is as bad as it can
get,” or, “This is nine, it’s been worse,” or, “This is eight; it’s getting a little
bit better.”

Rate it on a scale of one to ten, and then be aware of the negative thoughts that
flow through your mind when you feel this awful feeling in your body .

Be aware of what you’re thinking. Be aware of the negative thoughts.

Now this may sound kind of weird or kind of simple, but it’s very, very powerful.
And it’s the beginning step, a basic beginning step for you to move from reactivity
to your own power.

And when you have your power, good things are going to happen.

When you bump into infidelity, when you encounter a cheating spouse, you are flooded
and overwhelmed by powerful and intense feelings.

Some prefer not to talk about the affair or talk about the situation.

You may find it extremely difficult to talk. You may be embarrassed.

Or, you may not want others to know for fear of embarrassment or for fear that if
others find out; somehow your talking to another will get around to your cheating
spouse and might make matters worse.

It’s frequently difficult to talk to family and friends.

In some ways you’re too close to family and friends. They discover that someone is
having an affair close to them and they react. They’re not sure how to respond.

Many people have myths and stereotypes about infidelity, so their response is often
less than helpful.

Family or friends may say, “Kick him/her out. Why do you put up with this?”

But you know that it’s not that simple.

So many people that you talk to won’t understand and won’t be able to guide you or
give you the kind of support or the kind of help that you really, truly need.

Now this is also true in the case of professionals. I’m a licensed marriage and
family therapist in the state of Michigan and a certified social worker for the past
27 years.

In my training in marriage and family therapy, the issue of infidelity was never
brought up as a specific sub-category.

Professional therapists may try to extrapolate certain concepts onto the animal of
infidelity. This does not often work.

If you do seek therapy, seek out a therapist who ideally is recommended by someone
who has success with that therapist in the arena of infidelity, if possible.

The Internet, the web, has been a lifesaving place for many, many people suffering
from the agony of infidelity.

I have a support group on Ning, which is I think now about 2,500 members and very
active. Go to: http://infidelity-support.ning.com/?xgi=gMHG8sg

I also have a support group on Facebook that is less active but, again, serves a
purpose. Go to Facebook and do a search on infidelity and you will find the support
group.

I also have a chat room that is visited by a number of people consistently. Chatters
say, “You know, the chat room has really been my savior. When I can’t sleep at
night, I go there and talk to people and I’ve made fast and true friends.”

As a matter of fact, a few years ago I got an email from somebody who said that they
were getting together locally with a group of people who were meeting in my chat
room to support and encourage each other.

Here’s the link for the chatroom: http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom

You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.

If you want to save your marriage, if you want to have a constructive relationship,
if you want to say something or do something that somehow, in some way will
influence the course of the affair, you must know what type of affair it is.

Otherwise, you’re just like a leaf blowing in the wind. You’re like a loose cannon
rattling on the deck. And what you say or what you do will probably cause more harm
than good.

One size does not fit all. You must know what type of affair you’re facing.

Affairs are different. Affairs have different lengths of duration. Affairs begin
because of different motives of your spouse.

The personality characteristics of your spouse will correlate directly with the type
of affair s/he is having.

When people read my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair”, and they go through the
personality characteristics of the person in a particular kind of affair, often
light bulbs go on and say, “Hey, this is him. This is her. This fits him. This fits
her perfectly.”

To influence the affair or to save your marriage, you must do or say something that
fits the type of affair and fits the personality characteristics of your cheating
spouse.

Let me give you a couple examples.

You respond to the affair, “I don’t want to say no,” much differently than to the
affair, “I need to prove my desirability”.

In “I don’t want to say no,” I encourage an aggressive get in his face or get in her
face strategy. In the “I need to prove my desirability,” a person is much more
passive.

You listen. You try to understand.

As you can see the strategies for these types of affairs are tremendously different.

I also have an affair called “I want to be close to someone but can’t stand intimacy.”

For that type of affair, I suggest using the tactic called “leaping your partner.”

However, if you use that tactic (leaping your partner) in the “I want to get back at
him or her” type of affair, your spouse will interpret your strategy as abandonment
and you’ll do more harm than good.

The resentment or the rage will just be intensified, and you don’t want that.

You must know the type of affair.

By knowing the type of affair that you’re facing, you can strategize and use
appropriate tactics that will have the most impact for the results you want.