I asked my Newsletter readers to list the top 5 things they tolerate or put up with as they face infidelity.

Writing down, putting a name on your turmoil and fears often is a beginning step in creating emotional distance from the pain and then initiating the process of eliminating those tolerations and beginning the infidelity healing journey.

Here are some responses to the question:

>>>>>secret ‘business’ relationship which is not only business; betrayal; insensitivity

>>>>>hiding the mobile phone late home seeing the guilt on his face when he comes home and has spoken to her making excuses to see her

>>>>>her leaving the house whenever she wants Locked cell phone Unwilling to talk Denial No sex

>>>>>1. I am tolerating him continuing to talk to his women he’s had past affairs with. One he emails and the second he continues to work with at his place of employement. 2. Dishonesty. 3. His lack of being able to be sincere or showing his ability to come across as remorseful. 4. Conversations that hurt my self-esteem that are mean or hurtful. 5. Staying in a relationship based on what has or I feel has become stagnant or detached and I simply live day to day in a life that seemingly has little if no meaning.

>>>>>lying, sex with others, cell phone, living in two separate states

Charging neutral is all about your emotions. What are they? How do you express them? Where do you feel them? When do you begin to feel them? What do you do when you begin to feel them? What are the thoughts that accompany the feelings? What do you do with those thoughts? Is there another part of you that stands backs and knows your feelings are emerging? Can that part take action?

Aware of your emotional energy is vital in managing your feelings and fears, especially of being alone, when coping with infidelity.

Charging neutral is managing your emotions. Here’s an example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I never knew that what I was doing was “charging neutral”. Thank you for putting a name to it and (very important) giving me more information about this. I never would have dreamed the implications of this behavior without your input. every time I read about this technique in your newsletters I am more and more empowered. My husband abandoned his affair a few months ago. The OP took a job 1000 km’s away. I think that this happened because I refused to react to their relationship. At the time she took the other job, the affair was already waning, but I think my calm stance (due to your ongoing advice, thank you) made her give up. There were many times I felt like confronting her or him, giving the affair my full-blown attention and all the emotional energy that goes along with a confrontation like that. Your emails stopped me. Thank you. It worked. My children were spared all the drama and upset., I was spared the sordidness of a fruitless confrontation. I know that i might have to face this at some other time, but charging neutral will help me through it again.

What is it about infidelity and extramarital affairs that stir the sometimes debilitating feelings and thoughts?

Do you think fear is part of it?

I think it is. It rumbles around under the surface and creates havoc.

But, what are those fears?

Here’s a question I asked my readers and their responses:

So what is it that is behind our fears? What are they pointing to? How are they formed and how do we use them to transform ourselves and propel us into the lives and relationships we really want to have and experience?

>>>>>Behind our fears is that we don’t feel worthy, for whatever reason of the person who is possibly betraying us, our trust. Our own self-image is continuously perpetuating that which hurts the most. The fear that no one truly knows us or ever can. The fear that we will lose something we have invested time and our heart in. The fear that we have to prove to someone or ourselves that we must “win” at getting people to love us and when we are cheated on, it feels as though we “lost”…But it isn’t about winning or losing. That’s what I’m realizing. It’s about recreating your self-image and focusing on yourself, instead of “who is hurting us and why”.

>>>>>Past experiences - he has fooled me in the past so how can I trust that he is not doing the same now.

>>>>>Fear of being alone. Nevertheless, this is is the major task to accomplish in one’s life — to learn to be ALONE live well.

>>>>>Our fears tell us what we prize and value. What we don’t want to lose…such as the ability and feelings of love and security. Think through what would make me feel loved and secure. What kind of person? What is the nature of the exchanges between us? What kind of changes do I need to make in myself to experience that? Is this even possible with my spouse or do I have a better chance of experiencing this with another person in the future?