There are some people who feel some kind of entitlement in having the perfect partner, and tend to move from one person to the next in the pursuit of that. There are also those who are so in love with the idea of being in love that they neglect actually working on their relationships to stay being in love, and look for that feeling elsewhere instead.

Another type of affair could be caused by a partner’s need for revenge for some reason. It could be because of something you did or something you did not do. It could also be caused by anger of some sort over a conflict you had.

Some tend to engage in affairs to kind of affirm their desirability, not always to other people, but most of the time to themselves. And there are those who are confused about the balance of intimacy and distance, and tend to look somewhere else for help in that area.

Whatever the reason is behind your partner’s infidelity, understanding it will be the key in discovering and developing the right approach in your pursuit to save your marriage.

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The affair had been going on (and off… and on) for a long time. Friends and family gave the advice: leave!

But, there is an investment. He’s a good father, good provider and an emotional attachment forged over the years.

But one tires and gets weary of the elephant in the room. Eventually, some day that weariness, that tension emerges with more power and it seems as if a decision is looming. More chips are thrown on the table.

Is this bad? Is this good? I prefer not to sit in judgment. It just is. And it IS common. People who care, people who are determined, people who become attached to relationships find it most difficult to make this life altering decision of whether to stay or go.

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Of course, this is a common question that almost everyone on the receiving end of infidelity asks him/her self.

A huge factor in such a question is the extent to which the cheating spouse is ready to commit to the marriage and intentionally alter behaviors which respect and aim at meeting the needs and situation of his/her spouse.

In the case study below, the cheating husband was an extremely helpful figure in helping his wife reconnect with trust. (In reality, it appears that he was looking for a way out of the affair and “being caught” provided the impetus to end it.)

Note my questions and responses:

1. What kind of decision(s) looms large before you regarding the infidelity in your life?

When it happened, the main decision that I had to take was: Do I stay or do I leave? Is it worth it or not?

2. Describe successfully working through a decision related to infidelity. What comes to your mind as I raise this question? What were you faced with? How did you face it? What helped in the decision making process? When did you decide? How did you know that it was the best decision? What tipped the scales in making this decision? Do you remember the day, the time, the events surrounding that decision?

At first, I was devastated. I had such respect and trust in my partner, that I did not for one second contemplate the possibility that he might cheat on me, it just did not enter my mind, ever. The signs were there, but I attributed it to the fact that we were not communicating well at the time and that I’m being paranoid, so I did not act on it.

The important thing I’ve learned, it that you should always trust you instincts! I did not know how to handle the situation, but what kept me stay at the time, was the knowledge that I still love him, irrespective of how angry I was at the time with him and how much I was hurting.

I allowed myself time to hurt, cry, get angry, and once or twice I even shouted at him for his stupidity to be so insensitive and selfish (and I’m not sorry i did either!). We talked a lot about it (through the pain and woes), and he was just as scared as I am that it will be the end of our marriage. He broke all contact immediately and we literally started all over, but I still could not get myself to get over the pain and hurt and anger and resentment and whatever goes with it. It caused me to doubt my own worth, it created such insecurities inside me, but fortunately he understood and supported me a lot. The only thing that helped me at the time was the determination not to give up something that I care for very much (my marriage), and we both just hung on to our love for each other and held and hugged each other frequently. It took me about 2 years to really reach the stage where I was prepared to let go of it, and start trusting him little by little. What helped is that he kept his part of the agreement that we reached to get our marriage back on track and healthy and that he re-assured me a lot of his love and commitment (and he showed it in many ways). I’ve come to realize that we cannot heal our marriage completely as long as I continue to dwell in the past. For my own sake (and naturally also for his and our marriage), I had to let go of the pain and anger and forgive him for what he has done. Although his infedelity made me feel at the time that I can never feel the same about him again (which is true in some degree), it does not mean that the marriage cannot work again. It can, but its was up to the two of us. Difficult as it might appear, forgiving him for what he has done has helped me to let go of the pain and anger, and I took a concious decision to start trusting him again (that was really hard and did not happen overnight, believe me. He had to earn the right to be trusted, which, in all fairness, he did). We are for the first time in our marriage communicating well, and that does not mean that we agree on everything, it merely means that we are open and honest and sensitive to each others feelings and needs and we heed those feelings by not tramping all over them and respecting each other as unique individuals who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Infedility destroys loving memories, but its up to us to create new, maybe better memories together. I’ve lost my naivity, and maybe that’s also a good thing, but I’ve taken care not to become cynical and bitter, cause that would certainly have destroyed me as well as us, which I don’t want. I’ve realized that he is still the same person I’ve fallen in love with, and I still love him (I like who is he and how he makes me feel), but I’ve also realized that he is human being with weaknesses, and that he has made a mistake (though a terrible painful one). For those of you who were cheated on, just hang in there for a while, don’t act in a hurry or take a decision informed by your pain, you are bound to make wrong decisions.

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