He as left the home after she discovered the infidelity. He initially declared he wanted a divorce, but later backed down.

She is “holding the fort” together and he is basically an emotional mess. (Affair #6: I need to prove my desirability.”) He non-verbally expresses guilt and “freezes” emotionally when together.

She wants to save the marriage and has been a pursuer, trying to get him to “open up.”

He appears to be overwhelmed by her verbosity, her questions and her need to have him end the affair and come home.

Suggestions: The strategy is to make short but powerful, non-threatening comments that initiate movement in the relationship. She can make short, concise meta comments: “We are stuck.” “This is awful for both of us, is is not?” I wonder how this will end?” “I wonder when our pain will fade…” “This is a long painful process for both of us.”

Make the comments, back away and observe the response. Notice any shifts or movement.

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There is a pattern I’ve observed over and over again in my past 25 years as a therapist. Highly successful people, their family and friends call them “good” people, eventually must deal with the ugly side of their personal need for extreme achievement.

Remember Tiger on the Johnny Carson Show, without blinking his 4 year old eyes, “I’m going to be the best golfer in the world!” Everyone believed him.

From that point on Tiger filled more than one room with trophies.

And, he collected all those trophies because golf was his life. His practice routines from an early age are well documented.

Where was he in 9th grade? On the golf course, practicing and bringing home trophies. His focus was the golf ball and his ability to control the flight of that ball as well as his mental focus.

I bring up 9th grade because it is crucial time in psychosexual development. We “fall in love,” get dumped, “fall in love” again at a frightening pace.

We learn to differentiate between caring for someone and lust, between the mating urge and need for control of our impulses, between being genuine with someone or manipulating to get what we want and how to accept someone “loving us” and how to cope with someone saying no. For most it’s a time to experience embarrassment, the intensity of feelings, and for some to “sow their oats.”

If we don’t “get it right” in 9th grade, it will emerge again.

I believe high achievers often miss out on this important segment of their lives, since the ultimate achievement goal takes precedence. Their inner life and the richness experienced in relationships becomes dormant.

Instead of “letting go” every so often, the high achiever overdevelops strict control that serves his/her personal need to achieve.

Tiger has certainly attempted to control his life. His mental control on the golf course in unparalleled. He won a major by playing through the pain of a broken leg.

We know very little about Tiger. His personal life is hidden – under his control. And, he lives behind a walled fortress in Florida.

That ability to control and set boundaries, at some point for the high achiever, falls apart.

And, what we see then is a polarity response… behavior we never thought that person capable.

Family, friends, the media exclaim, “No way, that’s not like him/her! Never saw it coming!”

Just yesterday I coached a wife whose very successful business person, upstanding community leader – husband became entangled in a 13 month steamy affair with what I remember some calling a “barfly.” His life was tumbling down the tubes.

The effort it takes to control and focus on the external goal often meets an end, and sometimes, it’s not pretty.

I did research this morning and discovered that Rachel Uchitel some would describe as a “loose canon.”

She is bragging to others about her and Tiger’s explicit text messages (in 9th grade we used to secretly slip each other notes with drawn hearts and xoxoxs.) She’s been rumored to be with a number of men and has a pattern of seducing celebrities on a pretty regular basis.

I don’t think this is someone Tiger would bring home to mother.

But, she might fit nicely into Tiger’s need to “let loose?”

Just perhaps this is “unfinished business” for Tiger that he missed in 9th grade?

I’m not saying that Tiger IS having an affair with this woman. I’m saying it is possible – and why it is possible, not only for Tiger but for countless others in our culture attempting to meet their personal achievement needs.

But, more than that, I want you to understand the journey of life that we all must traverse, that brings us opportunities to grow, mature and evolve intrapersonally and in our relationships.

Sometimes we hit it well. Sometimes we triple bogey.

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What is most helpful in moving through the pain and infidelity.

Two words come to mind: clarity and Words.

Once one begins to see the patterns and begins to make distinctions between different actions of self, spouse and the other person, the fog clears.

Also finding the powerful, on-target and relevant words to express at the right time is terribly empowering.

Listen to what some of my coaching clients say as they move through the agony of infidelity”

>>>>>The (coaching) session was helpful in that it did help me understand what I really want and need to say to my wife now. You also helped me accept that it is okay to shed my feelings of guilt for causing the affair. Thank you.

>>>>>Dr H is very able to quickly asses the situation and sum it up for you in clear language. I am sometimes mired in my situation and unable to see above or beyond my circumstances. His analysis helped me. He has enough experience with this topic to have developed a whole library of phrases that allow me to communicate to my partner concisely what I mean without threats or anger.

>>>>>Wonderful validation. Pointed out questions I could be asking at this point in our moving on process.

More more info on infidelity coaching is available if you are interested.

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And, if that isn’t enough, most think either in the front of their mind or in the back, that something is wrong with them. They shouldn’t be feeling the agony they feel.

If you feel the pain and struggle with your mind, you are not alone.

Listen to these case studies as two people respond to my question:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1 – Think about it all the time. Hard time thinking about ANYTHING else
2 – Go from sad and crying to mean and mad several times per day
3 – Think of ways to keep busy so I won’t have to think about IT
4 – Hard time trying to stay happy about life
5 – Want to know what will happen NOW, don’t want to wait – impatient

I am hurt, lonely, devastated, stressed, insecure, self esteem is shot and nervous about everything in my life. I have lost so much weight, my hair fell out at a rate of unbelief but I feel great and look wonderful but my mind goes 24/7 and I feel out of control with thoughts about what he said to me. “I like her and she likes me and it’s all about the sex but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you”, he lies and cheats and I am in a box. What kind of sex is he having I ask myself since he said our sex life was great, I just do not understand and never will. I cannot afford to leave at this time and I do nothing but cook for myself clean house and do the yard work. I don’t mind but I miss the conversation, sharing, intimacy and fun we use to have and it’s hard to start over at 59 I am out of the game so to speak he is 52 and his new mate is 30 and understands him and he can talk to her, he broke the bond and everything in his life changed including him, the way he talks to me is just awful. I get no pleasure out of looking at him as I see a different person and not the man I fell in love with he is angry, hateful, rude and uncaring about everything and he does not like himself and feels no remorse or guilt and that is hard to swallow for me. I am bored out of my mind I do not have allot of friends and my family is so far away and I just feel lost without him as I always felt in my heart he was my one and only life time partner. I will get through this and be on my way as soon as the property sells and I will start fresh and have a great life that I deserve and maybe even someone to share it with. I am not a needy person just sad about the whole thing. My heart is just broke and I feel cheated of 18 years of my life!!!! Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk it through in a supportive affirming environment. Check out infidelity coaching.

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Powerful.

About a year ago I offered 15 minute free consultations to my Newsletter readers. (I may do that again someday – if I find the time!)

Here are some of their responses:

Talking to Dr Bob I not only managed to identify the type of affair I am dealing with but also the question that’s really bothering me – what do I want out of this? I was so wrapped up in what I was afraid might happen and “what if I go through this for nothing and it happens again” that I wasn’t looking at what I WANTED to happen, what I valued about my marriage before this episode. I feel renewed hope and a new strength to tackle what’s happening in my life.

I enjoyed talking to the expert! I gained the strength to try a new strategy, though I still feel like it’s too late to make a difference.

While I have tried to be positive all of my life one important factor that came out was your comment about me having my head in the sand. At first I was defensive but the more I think about it perhaps it has been my “wishful thinking” (the glass is half full, things will get better…) I have learned a very valuable lesson and I can guarantee you that “this” will not happen to me again (fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me). Another important issue that I got out of our conversation was the confirmation that while my wife denies this and says that she has no feelings, I know that she still has very deep feelings for me – unfortunately these feelings are not positive and include resentment, disappointment for not meeting her expectations etc. She has had a “wall” up for quite some time now. I honestly believe that she still has positive feelings (every once in a while something sneaks out) but the resentment wall is so tall and wide that these positive feelings may never come through. I certainly have no intention of forcing anything but this conversation has reinforced my resolution that we need to separate for a while and give us both time to regroup. I am convinced that I cannot live like this and we need to talk about the realities of going our separate ways. My intentions are not to be manipulative or to force her to do anything. I have honestly tried to accept my responsibility for our current situation and improve me for my sake not hers – unfortunately she has not. I honestly believe that we both need to want to change and if there is no desire then we would both be much better off apart.

Want to check out infidelity coaching?

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Often, these 15 minutes calm the soul, provide clarity, direction and a better feeling of well-being.

Here are some comments from these sessions:

It was good talking to you. You fired me up somewhat. I have been at a loss as to what to say to her as I am very much tongue tied so as not to upset or push her even further away.

I felt the session provided me with the inspiration to continue what I was doing and that I was on the right track. It was more a tool to help me get through this very tough time. Though brief the session did provide tips that there may be hope. Thank You.

It feels great to share my feelings with someone like you, who is unbiased. Your input made me feel better and more confident in how to express my feelings to my husband.

Even before the session, I benefited. In preparing my “pre-session” summary for you and reflecting on my written statement. I looked at my situation for the first time in writing. I felt a “third party” aspect:
1. I felt more rational when I looked at “the facts” in writing; I could see it more objectively than just emotionally/reactive and
2. I felt hope from a “third party” I felt someone cared about the deep hurts, would keep the confidences, and use this to help me and others–a dedicated professional with expertise to creatively/effectively use the internet system.
During the session:
1. the tone of your voice and words…respectful and caring without a hint of condescension.
2.Rephrasing to clarify your understanding and
3. powerful ability to concisely reframe my thinking and also offering an entirely new way to look at “the obvious”. I loved how focused it was.

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