Sometimes the disrespect and mental abuse it too much. For someone with a “character disorder” an affair is just the tip of the iceberg.

Read these two case studies of those who pulled the plug on the marriage.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

There was so much mental abuse. I can’t believe I let him go on about it without throwing the bum out sooner. He used to tell me about their little rendezvous at motels & how exciting they were. How they’d shower together afterwards & then go home to their spouses. He blamed everything on me or someone else, ie. the kids, his mother, the lack or his father being around, etc. Nothing was ever his fault. He was taking money out of out account to spend on motels, lunches, viagra, you name it….. spending no time with the family. If he was home he’d be in the basement banging on his brums with a headset on, or he’d take walks alone. I’d ask if he wanted company & he’d say ‘not really’.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

After 7 times of him leaving & then coming back crying & begging, I threw the bum out & divorced him. One day he shouted at me saying, “You divorced me! I didn’t want a divorce!’ This is also the idiot that when I told him I was going on a date with someone from work, he said ‘You’re not supposed to go out with other guys’. I’m so much better off physically & especially mentally without him. I do things for myself now, buy clothes, get pedicures, massages & go out with friends. I never did much for myself & as our marriage counselor said, ‘why was this marriage all about him’. Now, it’s all about me!! I’m taking care of ME for the first time in 30 years.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

He says I got us way in debt, when it was him, looking at porn, he belongs to a motorcycle club where alot of girls will show themselves. He takes pictures of them doing it and recently started puling up there shirts. He would also stay out all night and then tell his friends that I was a bitch and yelled at him. When all I would say was could you please get home at a decent hour so you don’t sleep all day so we could have some time together.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Not getting upset when he tries to start a fight. sending him a e-mail that told him I could not take the way he treated me and if things did not change I could not live like this any more. I told him I loved him very much and I hoped he would want to try to fix our marriage. He chose not to and had an affair and moved in with the girl about 2 months later, I think he was afraid I would divorce him and did not want to be alone so he found someone first, this is the second time he has done this same thing, only we were dating the first time he came back to me 18 months later and said I was the only girl with her head on her shoulders and that I wanted a relationship. Something really wrong with him there is bipolar in his family and his son at 16 went to prison for sexually molesting small children he will be 21 in February he got 4-15. I think he is also.

Where do you draw the line when a cheating spouse seems mired in a pattern of denial and disregard?

Read this case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I think the biggest example of disrespect was the fact that he refused to acknowledge the affair. Although I had tons of physical evidence (and he knew that) and through lots of late night research and searching found irrefutable evidence that the affair was only one of many – to this day, over three years since the divorce – he has not acknowledged any infidelity. He is actually making overtures of “friendship”. It was and is an insult to my intelligence. I guess he thought that if he denied it (which he did, over and over again!) it might just “go away”.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

As in most issues involving infidelity/divorce I think time is the greatest healer. In the beginning the hurt was at times overwhelming and truthfully the only thing that kept me putting one foot in front of the other was my kids. For me there was one solution and one solution ONLY – divorce. Once I found out for sure what was going on there was no looking back, so I didn’t tolerate any more of his destructive behaviors. I concentrated on things that had to be done and tried to accomplish them as best I could. Divorce is so devastating in general, and mine was extremely so – not because either of us ever turned back, but because my former husband was obsessed with the idea that I might somehow be able to “get more than my share”. We had been married nearly 28 years when I found out he was having an affair – one of many.

Setting boundaries and/or declaring one’s position is especially important for the “I Don’t Want to Say NO” and “I Can’t Say No.” The boundaries help protect oneself from the blame, criticism, verbal and perhaps physical abuse.

But, for the sake of illustration, read what this reader says about setting boundaries with her cheating husband:

Separate; then set specific boundaries, thus creating a bit of control from this chaos. I know this is really long, but is, thus far, working for me. Boundaries by mary johnson September 25, 2008 1. Please have my prior permission before coming onto this property for any reason; you are no longer welcome to just pop in anytime. A phone call is fine. ___ 2. When you have been invited to visit, please knock, and be invited in, before entering. ___ 3. If you wish to attend Church, you must attend a different worship service other than 9:30 a.m. ___ 4. As long as your paycheck continues to be deposited directly into our joint checking account, I agree to use the money you provide and be responsible for household expenses, including truck and loan payments, for the duration of this separation. You agree to limit your expenses to $500 per month. If your expenses exceed this amount, this may be negotiated and adjusted if you have proof of all receipts. I will anticipate $1100 left in our joint account every week. ___ ___ 5. When you are in the presence of our children, particularly in public, you will speak and act like a man who is married to their mother. You will do whatever it takes to protect them from further embarrassment and to provide an environment in which they feel secure and unconditionally loved. ___ 6. We will both write out our personal goals for this separation and share these with each other by January 1, 2009. ___ 7. You will set a specific time period you expect or are willing for this separation to last. For myself, I need you to resolve this situation by reconciliation or divorce by April, 2009. If you feel you are ready to move back into our home before whatever date we agree upon, I am willing to consider that possibility. Let me know your anticipated time period. ___ ___ 8. Any dates with each other during this time of separation need to be arranged in advance. If you wish to discuss our relationship during these private times, you must first ask permission to do so. ___ 9. I would ask for you to present, in writing, any decisions you make affecting the outcome of this separation before you just go ahead and make the change. ___ 10. Both of us agree to remain in counseling, at least twice per month, for at least the duration of this separation. ___ ___ 11. I will not tolerate any violation of my privacy in any way. You will not ask the children anything about me and you will also not ask them to keep anything from me. ___ Please initial each item you agree to abide by, sign and date below. Return one copy to me. _________________________ ________ _________________________ ________ Lonnie, if you are even the least bit interested in keeping open the option of reconciliation, then this is what I need you to do immediately. If you are unwilling to do this now, then you are choosing to close the door completely on this family and you might as well file for divorce. Today. Right now. I need you to model behavior acceptable of a married man. This means demonstrating to your children the values you want and expect them to have. These include, but are not limited to, honesty, integrity and commitment. What this specifically means is that you must have no communication whatsoever with that other woman while you are still legally, and in the eyes of God, married to their mother. You must return the private cell phone to its owner, now. This can be done by mail with a note explaining you will no longer be needing it. The other option is to return it in person as long as you have Pastor Tommy or one of the church elders with you. However you choose to do it, it must be crystal clear to her that your relationship, in any form, is history; completely terminated. She is not to pursue you or attempt to see you or call you or even speak with you ever again. You will be unapologetic and unwavering, leaving no doubt about your intentions and absolutely no room for hope of a relationship in the future. Lonnie, if you are unwilling to do this after all this time, that says to me that you have clearly made your choice. Since your children are aware of your continuing betrayal, they need to be assured, by more than your words, that this has happened. The clear purpose is to immediately, effectively and permanently dismiss this person from all of our lives. What Isaac and Laura need is a re-commitment from you, in writing, to be the man you want to be and the father they thought you were. Lonnie, they are just now discovering their sexual identity. How they observe mom and dad acting is exactly what they will expect and look for in a lifetime mate. If they are ever to have any hope for a wonderful, secure Christian marriage and completely honest relationship, they need to know what that looks like. Otherwise you leave them only with this legacy of failure, deception and betrayal. How can they possibly hope for better when this is their example? The destruction you and that other person have done to Isaac and Laura will never be completely erased from their memory. But you can salvage your image somewhat by turning your back on what is wrong, immediately, and turning toward Jesus Christ, your children and your family. That could be what Isaac and Laura will choose to remember from this horrid time in their adolescence. Mercy, grace and forgiveness. Otherwise, they will simply remember deception, rejection, betrayal and immorality. They’ll remember a dad who left when life got too hard because he loved someone else while still married to their mother. What you have been asking them to do is to make an immoral, inappropriate relationship seem normal and okay. Is that what you want them to think? Yet you‘ve continued!! The only hope you have of regaining the honor and respect you so desire is to stop immediately. Your children and I are not the least bit interested that you “try” to do the right thing or that you are “doing your best”. It’s too late for trying. You simply must do it or divorce.