There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

Related posts:

1. Dealing with Adultery: Learning to Trust Your Instincts When you feel like something is wrong, don't hide it....

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I’ve posed the question of abuse to my readers. Read these case studies:

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
My marriage is in Divorce stage. Husband is with OW and she just had a baby. I did not put up with any of the abuses from the beginning. He blamed me for the whole affair, wanted me to continue to care for the home and his son (not mine) and take his laundry to the dry cleaner and drop him at the airport to go see her. I walked in on him having internet sex with camera’s with the OW
.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
I had a court order drawn up getting him out of the house and refused to take the abuse. In working through the divorce, I still refuse to take his abuse and refuse to let him push my buttons.

Case Study 2:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
everything imaginable,accused of affair,lying stealing spying.starting fights to get out,leaving for weeks at a time.still says hes never had a girlfriend or affair,only hookers,he thinks that’s acceptable and hes said sorry,so everything should be just fine.Total disregard for me in every way.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
moving out

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The type of affair is often bound by addictions and the greater the pull of the addiction, the more intense and frequent the abuse.

The first case study below illustrates an “I Can’t Say NO” affair in later stages of disintegration. The cheating husband is locked into persistent abusive behaviors to which the spouse finds a way to cope.

In the second case, the intensity level is less and words do have an impact on the cheating and disrespectful spouse.

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I have been in 2 very abusive marriages and the one I am in now for the last 7 years has been very verbally, physically abusive and unfaithful. I removed myself and my child from the home and we now live elsewhere. He pursued me for 4 years while abusing and accusing me intermingled with begging, pleading and wanting sex while going to counseling (that did not help it made it worse as he would manipulate the counselor).

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I have prayed for many years and now I love him with boundaries and have blessed him with kindness from a distance and he is changing. His behavior has caught up with him and the consequences are many for him in his body and mind. He is still full of anger (he admitted that) jealousy and is addicted to drugs now smokes and drinks. I do none of those things and My life is going well. I always wished I could love him when he was being revolting toward me – I love what Cloud and Townshend (Boundaries) said at times your need for justice is bigger than your capacity to love. Now with boundaries in place and also dealing with my hurts and issues I can love and bless him and wait for God to change him.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I am spoken to with great disdain or as though I am stupid. He will act irrationally and immaturely like a victim instead or talking things through with me like two adults would. He says mean things about our dogs like how they should be put to sleep.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I am not afraid of him leaving anymore. I ask him to stop talking about the dogs that way. Or I will ask him if his comments make him feel better. I also confronted him and pointed out that he was discarding us and how he was doing the same to us as his parents did to him. I asked him if he wanted to continue the pattern.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Read these two case studies of those who pulled the plug on the marriage.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

There was so much mental abuse. I can’t believe I let him go on about it without throwing the bum out sooner. He used to tell me about their little rendezvous at motels & how exciting they were. How they’d shower together afterwards & then go home to their spouses. He blamed everything on me or someone else, ie. the kids, his mother, the lack or his father being around, etc. Nothing was ever his fault. He was taking money out of out account to spend on motels, lunches, viagra, you name it….. spending no time with the family. If he was home he’d be in the basement banging on his brums with a headset on, or he’d take walks alone. I’d ask if he wanted company & he’d say ‘not really’.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

After 7 times of him leaving & then coming back crying & begging, I threw the bum out & divorced him. One day he shouted at me saying, “You divorced me! I didn’t want a divorce!’ This is also the idiot that when I told him I was going on a date with someone from work, he said ‘You’re not supposed to go out with other guys’. I’m so much better off physically & especially mentally without him. I do things for myself now, buy clothes, get pedicures, massages & go out with friends. I never did much for myself & as our marriage counselor said, ‘why was this marriage all about him’. Now, it’s all about me!! I’m taking care of ME for the first time in 30 years.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

He says I got us way in debt, when it was him, looking at porn, he belongs to a motorcycle club where alot of girls will show themselves. He takes pictures of them doing it and recently started puling up there shirts. He would also stay out all night and then tell his friends that I was a bitch and yelled at him. When all I would say was could you please get home at a decent hour so you don’t sleep all day so we could have some time together.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Not getting upset when he tries to start a fight. sending him a e-mail that told him I could not take the way he treated me and if things did not change I could not live like this any more. I told him I loved him very much and I hoped he would want to try to fix our marriage. He chose not to and had an affair and moved in with the girl about 2 months later, I think he was afraid I would divorce him and did not want to be alone so he found someone first, this is the second time he has done this same thing, only we were dating the first time he came back to me 18 months later and said I was the only girl with her head on her shoulders and that I wanted a relationship. Something really wrong with him there is bipolar in his family and his son at 16 went to prison for sexually molesting small children he will be 21 in February he got 4-15. I think he is also.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Read this case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I think the biggest example of disrespect was the fact that he refused to acknowledge the affair. Although I had tons of physical evidence (and he knew that) and through lots of late night research and searching found irrefutable evidence that the affair was only one of many – to this day, over three years since the divorce – he has not acknowledged any infidelity. He is actually making overtures of “friendship”. It was and is an insult to my intelligence. I guess he thought that if he denied it (which he did, over and over again!) it might just “go away”.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

As in most issues involving infidelity/divorce I think time is the greatest healer. In the beginning the hurt was at times overwhelming and truthfully the only thing that kept me putting one foot in front of the other was my kids. For me there was one solution and one solution ONLY – divorce. Once I found out for sure what was going on there was no looking back, so I didn’t tolerate any more of his destructive behaviors. I concentrated on things that had to be done and tried to accomplish them as best I could. Divorce is so devastating in general, and mine was extremely so – not because either of us ever turned back, but because my former husband was obsessed with the idea that I might somehow be able to “get more than my share”. We had been married nearly 28 years when I found out he was having an affair – one of many.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

But, for the sake of illustration, read what this reader says about setting boundaries with her cheating husband:

Separate; then set specific boundaries, thus creating a bit of control from this chaos. I know this is really long, but is, thus far, working for me. Boundaries by mary johnson September 25, 2008 1. Please have my prior permission before coming onto this property for any reason; you are no longer welcome to just pop in anytime. A phone call is fine. ___ 2. When you have been invited to visit, please knock, and be invited in, before entering. ___ 3. If you wish to attend Church, you must attend a different worship service other than 9:30 a.m. ___ 4. As long as your paycheck continues to be deposited directly into our joint checking account, I agree to use the money you provide and be responsible for household expenses, including truck and loan payments, for the duration of this separation. You agree to limit your expenses to $500 per month. If your expenses exceed this amount, this may be negotiated and adjusted if you have proof of all receipts. I will anticipate $1100 left in our joint account every week. ___ ___ 5. When you are in the presence of our children, particularly in public, you will speak and act like a man who is married to their mother. You will do whatever it takes to protect them from further embarrassment and to provide an environment in which they feel secure and unconditionally loved. ___ 6. We will both write out our personal goals for this separation and share these with each other by January 1, 2009. ___ 7. You will set a specific time period you expect or are willing for this separation to last. For myself, I need you to resolve this situation by reconciliation or divorce by April, 2009. If you feel you are ready to move back into our home before whatever date we agree upon, I am willing to consider that possibility. Let me know your anticipated time period. ___ ___ 8. Any dates with each other during this time of separation need to be arranged in advance. If you wish to discuss our relationship during these private times, you must first ask permission to do so. ___ 9. I would ask for you to present, in writing, any decisions you make affecting the outcome of this separation before you just go ahead and make the change. ___ 10. Both of us agree to remain in counseling, at least twice per month, for at least the duration of this separation. ___ ___ 11. I will not tolerate any violation of my privacy in any way. You will not ask the children anything about me and you will also not ask them to keep anything from me. ___ Please initial each item you agree to abide by, sign and date below. Return one copy to me. _________________________ ________ _________________________ ________ Lonnie, if you are even the least bit interested in keeping open the option of reconciliation, then this is what I need you to do immediately. If you are unwilling to do this now, then you are choosing to close the door completely on this family and you might as well file for divorce. Today. Right now. I need you to model behavior acceptable of a married man. This means demonstrating to your children the values you want and expect them to have. These include, but are not limited to, honesty, integrity and commitment. What this specifically means is that you must have no communication whatsoever with that other woman while you are still legally, and in the eyes of God, married to their mother. You must return the private cell phone to its owner, now. This can be done by mail with a note explaining you will no longer be needing it. The other option is to return it in person as long as you have Pastor Tommy or one of the church elders with you. However you choose to do it, it must be crystal clear to her that your relationship, in any form, is history; completely terminated. She is not to pursue you or attempt to see you or call you or even speak with you ever again. You will be unapologetic and unwavering, leaving no doubt about your intentions and absolutely no room for hope of a relationship in the future. Lonnie, if you are unwilling to do this after all this time, that says to me that you have clearly made your choice. Since your children are aware of your continuing betrayal, they need to be assured, by more than your words, that this has happened. The clear purpose is to immediately, effectively and permanently dismiss this person from all of our lives. What Isaac and Laura need is a re-commitment from you, in writing, to be the man you want to be and the father they thought you were. Lonnie, they are just now discovering their sexual identity. How they observe mom and dad acting is exactly what they will expect and look for in a lifetime mate. If they are ever to have any hope for a wonderful, secure Christian marriage and completely honest relationship, they need to know what that looks like. Otherwise you leave them only with this legacy of failure, deception and betrayal. How can they possibly hope for better when this is their example? The destruction you and that other person have done to Isaac and Laura will never be completely erased from their memory. But you can salvage your image somewhat by turning your back on what is wrong, immediately, and turning toward Jesus Christ, your children and your family. That could be what Isaac and Laura will choose to remember from this horrid time in their adolescence. Mercy, grace and forgiveness. Otherwise, they will simply remember deception, rejection, betrayal and immorality. They’ll remember a dad who left when life got too hard because he loved someone else while still married to their mother. What you have been asking them to do is to make an immoral, inappropriate relationship seem normal and okay. Is that what you want them to think? Yet you‘ve continued!! The only hope you have of regaining the honor and respect you so desire is to stop immediately. Your children and I are not the least bit interested that you “try” to do the right thing or that you are “doing your best”. It’s too late for trying. You simply must do it or divorce.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

It is important in those types of affairs to learn how to deal effectively with the blame criticism and possible physical abuse.

Here are some case studies:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Blames me for staying with him, not leaving when I’ve had the chances, maybe I seek out abusive relationships, I’m the only one that has a problem with his “need” and when he lies and I discover it, he says I snoop, distrustful, play detective when in reality its my intuition telling me and I’ve done nothing to snoop around. In the past I was too needy, clingy, too emotional or I don’t meet all his needs so he needs to have them met by outside encounters.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

No longer take any blame and do this by flat out, in a calm manner, tell him that I am not perfect but I am not to blame for……. and add what ever it is he is blaming me for. I also give him his space, don’t nag, don’t beg or plead with him.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

disrespect – by not listening to me and treating me as just a ‘wife’, not a person treats my vocal ability as ‘nagging’. – conducting his affair in our home, on our bed with family pictures around. – having sex with another woman wearing his wedding ring, forgetting what that ring signifies. – talking on the phone to me pretending everything was normal after having sex with another woman in her presence. – not considering for one moment what it really meant for me, our children, our families and friends by having an affair. blame – he blamed me for putting him in a situation that caused an affair to take place. – He blamed me for abandoning him when I chose to live apart temporarily due to work commitments.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

being strong enough to stand up and let him know I will not tolerate any nonsense from him – making him aware I am prepared to call it quits – being strong and assertive -

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Yelling and crusing at me in front of people when he gets upset.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Taking a step back and saying “I know you aren’t talking to me that way” or just not fighting back and showing that he is the one acting like a fool and I’m the one that should walk away from this type of verbal abuse.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The cheating spouse often plays into that fear with manipulative efforts that keep the spouse “at home” and at the same time offer him/her the opportunity to play.

The wounded spouse grabs onto the “niceness” or words of endearment but is thrown into near despair the next moment he walks out the door to be with the OP.

Read how these two women tolerate such behavior. Note also the resolve with the second person to set some boundaries.

Response to my question: What do you tolerate or put up with?

“Still talking with op on cell phone,coming home late,drinking a little too often, little snide remarks to see if he can get a rise out of me,and saying I still don’t know if I want to be married but turns around in the very next moment and does something really nice to give me some sort of hope then turns right around and takes a big notch out of it, all around mood swings from one min. to the next.”

“1. Keeping his cell phone text messages secret between “her” and him. 2. Taking off on Saturdays and not hearing from him until Monday—always has an excuse of where he is but deep down I know he’s spending it with her. 3. Know when he’s lying but don’t call him out; let it go and just try to project love. 4. Letting him continue to play family with me and our kids while we are separated; he has his own place now but stays weeknights with me and the kids. 5. Can’t keep riding this yo-yo relationship; over 2 years now and I must let go and stop pretending we are a family….I need to STOP this madness; stand up for myself and say NO its enough…get my own social life. Let go of the dream of being a family again.”

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Most are willing and somewhat able to tolerate or put up with a great deal when the affair or infidelity is first discovered. And, the reasons usually have some validity: want to spare the children, not ready to start a new life, determined to keep the family together, hoping this affair will blow over, and more.

But, at some point (or points) what one tolerates or puts up with becomes too much and decisions are made. Please understand this may be a fairly lengthy (months) and painful process.

So what do people tolerate? These readers give you some idea:

****simultaneous chatting with his affairs, sending them gifts, going out for the weekends (while telling me he was working hard), expending the money we need for paying bills,keeping his laptop and important papers hidden

****FB-flirting Text messages to lovers Blaming me to be the source of troubles Blaming me of being jealous and possessive Ignoring my pain

****His not wanting to talk about The other woman at the same workplace still Old flirting behaviors are still there (with any other woman) Seems to not keep his cell phone in the open, but when I ask, he is quite willing to hand it to me. When I start hurting his comment is “oh here we go again”

****He continues to see her every day at work. He talks/messages her on his cell phone. She blames me for their affair. He doesn’t come straight home from work.

****1) He still takes her phone calls every day, saying if he doesn’t answer she’ll just keep calling and calling 2) He says it is “completely over”, although he sees her at work and talks to her on the phone often (they work in a big hospital) 3) He refuses to acknowledge my conufsed/hurt feelings that she is completely still in his life, despite his words that they “are done” 4) He gets angry at me quickly and says that I need to “rise above”, be the better person and get over it – even though SHE can’t let go of him! (he defends her saying she’s weak and is struggling to let go of him and that it will probably take her time) 5) She still calls in the middle of the night sometimes – our home phone, his cell phone – AND EVEN MY CELL PHONE! …again, he says she’s struggling and eventually it will end

****lack of affection lack of consideration constant text messages with other woman hanging out with friends and not being included selfishness

****We are separated due to his affair with the secretary, they are working together, and I could not continue with him because it was impossible to trust him with this woman, still I am suffering knowing that they are together and he is not present in our son’s life because of her, I am putting up with a lots of anger, and hate but do not hate him , I still love him and care about him but seeing my son in fatherless sutuation just kills me, I have to put up with a lots of problems that he creat us under his mistress influence. I like to be in peace and live in love like before I had great family, full of love But I just do not know what happened, I ask every day question, what went wrong . it is very difficult. I just want to end this sufferring situation.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

How to cope with infidelity when the cheating spouse “comes back home” is addressed below. Note the difficulty the children and family as a whole has in “adjusting” to the reconfigured family.

This tendency to slide back into old patterns and habits, ways of feeling and thinking is typical when another chance is given, especially if the couple bury or minimize the past damage done by the infidelity.

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with in your home?

1.no one giving 2 craps about the concept of it being their home too…others not taking responsibility for themselves (feeling like im the only maid in the house)2. since back with spouse, kids think that the rules in place are not longer valid (certain chores, responsibilities each day) 3. being the only one to daily remind or hound kids and spouse to do what they are responsible for.(husband will not take initiative to enforce or continue rules while i am not there)4.seeing bad habits creep back in and rules being broken ( the old “now that things seem back to normal, we can all go back to what was comfortable and dysfunctional”; boundaries trying to be overstepped by others) 5.others, mainly spouse, trying to de-sensitize or un-impotantize my boundaries- trying to get me to back down on some of my decisions that im committed to…now that we are back together and the affair has been over for a year…he doesn’t get it that i have a standard in life that will be forever apart of me and never again to be jeopardized or changed.. rules i have for myself and children that must be there for the safely and health and well-being of my family as a whole….basically him wanting me to “back-off” a little…of which is way too soon at this point in my life. only can that be done when i feel safe and the Lord Jesus Christ allows for more change to take place. im sure you figured out im the one who was cheated on.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.