Most of the time, those who have been cheated on imagine that the reason why their partners engage in affairs is because they aren’t satisfied sexually in your relationship, that they get that satisfaction from the other person. This isn’t always true.

There have been a few cases where the persons who were involved in extramarital affairs described their sexual encounters with the other person as nothing to be desired, and said that they hugely regret their infidelity.

One of these cases, in particular, was a male who went through an extramarital affair number six – I need to prove my desirability. He said that he’s always struggled with self-esteem issues. So when a woman who was 15 years younger than him started to give him attention, he was flattered and started feeling good about himself. They flirted for a few months and then “tried” to have sex on a few occasions. He said that it was not good at all, and it only made him feel even more guilty.

So before you think that what you imagined is the truth, talk to your partner, get the facts straight. Sometimes, things aren’t as great as they seem.

Verbal and physical abuse may be part of an extramarital affair. And, the cheating spouse may be so deeply ingrained in abusive patterns (sometimes called a character disorder) that setting firm boundaries may be the only way to deal with the abuse and save one self and/or children. Sometimes it IS better to leave.

I’ve posed the question of abuse to my readers. Read these case studies:

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
My marriage is in Divorce stage. Husband is with OW and she just had a baby. I did not put up with any of the abuses from the beginning. He blamed me for the whole affair, wanted me to continue to care for the home and his son (not mine) and take his laundry to the dry cleaner and drop him at the airport to go see her. I walked in on him having internet sex with camera’s with the OW
.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
I had a court order drawn up getting him out of the house and refused to take the abuse. In working through the divorce, I still refuse to take his abuse and refuse to let him push my buttons.

Case Study 2:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
everything imaginable,accused of affair,lying stealing spying.starting fights to get out,leaving for weeks at a time.still says hes never had a girlfriend or affair,only hookers,he thinks that’s acceptable and hes said sorry,so everything should be just fine.Total disregard for me in every way.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
moving out

Abuse, specifically verbal/mental and sometimes physical, can characterize the “I Can’t Say No” affair.

The type of affair is often bound by addictions and the greater the pull of the addiction, the more intense and frequent the abuse.

The first case study below illustrates an “I Can’t Say NO” affair in later stages of disintegration. The cheating husband is locked into persistent abusive behaviors to which the spouse finds a way to cope.

In the second case, the intensity level is less and words do have an impact on the cheating and disrespectful spouse.

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I have been in 2 very abusive marriages and the one I am in now for the last 7 years has been very verbally, physically abusive and unfaithful. I removed myself and my child from the home and we now live elsewhere. He pursued me for 4 years while abusing and accusing me intermingled with begging, pleading and wanting sex while going to counseling (that did not help it made it worse as he would manipulate the counselor).

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I have prayed for many years and now I love him with boundaries and have blessed him with kindness from a distance and he is changing. His behavior has caught up with him and the consequences are many for him in his body and mind. He is still full of anger (he admitted that) jealousy and is addicted to drugs now smokes and drinks. I do none of those things and My life is going well. I always wished I could love him when he was being revolting toward me – I love what Cloud and Townshend (Boundaries) said at times your need for justice is bigger than your capacity to love. Now with boundaries in place and also dealing with my hurts and issues I can love and bless him and wait for God to change him.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I am spoken to with great disdain or as though I am stupid. He will act irrationally and immaturely like a victim instead or talking things through with me like two adults would. He says mean things about our dogs like how they should be put to sleep.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I am not afraid of him leaving anymore. I ask him to stop talking about the dogs that way. Or I will ask him if his comments make him feel better. I also confronted him and pointed out that he was discarding us and how he was doing the same to us as his parents did to him. I asked him if he wanted to continue the pattern.