Verbal and physical abuse may be part of an extramarital affair. And, the cheating spouse may be so deeply ingrained in abusive patterns (sometimes called a character disorder) that setting firm boundaries may be the only way to deal with the abuse and save one self and/or children. Sometimes it IS better to leave.

I’ve posed the question of abuse to my readers. Read these case studies:

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
My marriage is in Divorce stage. Husband is with OW and she just had a baby. I did not put up with any of the abuses from the beginning. He blamed me for the whole affair, wanted me to continue to care for the home and his son (not mine) and take his laundry to the dry cleaner and drop him at the airport to go see her. I walked in on him having internet sex with camera’s with the OW
.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
I had a court order drawn up getting him out of the house and refused to take the abuse. In working through the divorce, I still refuse to take his abuse and refuse to let him push my buttons.

Case Study 2:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
everything imaginable,accused of affair,lying stealing spying.starting fights to get out,leaving for weeks at a time.still says hes never had a girlfriend or affair,only hookers,he thinks that’s acceptable and hes said sorry,so everything should be just fine.Total disregard for me in every way.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
moving out

Abuse, specifically verbal/mental and sometimes physical, can characterize the “I Can’t Say No” affair.

The type of affair is often bound by addictions and the greater the pull of the addiction, the more intense and frequent the abuse.

The first case study below illustrates an “I Can’t Say NO” affair in later stages of disintegration. The cheating husband is locked into persistent abusive behaviors to which the spouse finds a way to cope.

In the second case, the intensity level is less and words do have an impact on the cheating and disrespectful spouse.

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I have been in 2 very abusive marriages and the one I am in now for the last 7 years has been very verbally, physically abusive and unfaithful. I removed myself and my child from the home and we now live elsewhere. He pursued me for 4 years while abusing and accusing me intermingled with begging, pleading and wanting sex while going to counseling (that did not help it made it worse as he would manipulate the counselor).

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I have prayed for many years and now I love him with boundaries and have blessed him with kindness from a distance and he is changing. His behavior has caught up with him and the consequences are many for him in his body and mind. He is still full of anger (he admitted that) jealousy and is addicted to drugs now smokes and drinks. I do none of those things and My life is going well. I always wished I could love him when he was being revolting toward me – I love what Cloud and Townshend (Boundaries) said at times your need for justice is bigger than your capacity to love. Now with boundaries in place and also dealing with my hurts and issues I can love and bless him and wait for God to change him.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I am spoken to with great disdain or as though I am stupid. He will act irrationally and immaturely like a victim instead or talking things through with me like two adults would. He says mean things about our dogs like how they should be put to sleep.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I am not afraid of him leaving anymore. I ask him to stop talking about the dogs that way. Or I will ask him if his comments make him feel better. I also confronted him and pointed out that he was discarding us and how he was doing the same to us as his parents did to him. I asked him if he wanted to continue the pattern.

Sometimes the disrespect and mental abuse it too much. For someone with a “character disorder” an affair is just the tip of the iceberg.

Read these two case studies of those who pulled the plug on the marriage.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

There was so much mental abuse. I can’t believe I let him go on about it without throwing the bum out sooner. He used to tell me about their little rendezvous at motels & how exciting they were. How they’d shower together afterwards & then go home to their spouses. He blamed everything on me or someone else, ie. the kids, his mother, the lack or his father being around, etc. Nothing was ever his fault. He was taking money out of out account to spend on motels, lunches, viagra, you name it….. spending no time with the family. If he was home he’d be in the basement banging on his brums with a headset on, or he’d take walks alone. I’d ask if he wanted company & he’d say ‘not really’.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

After 7 times of him leaving & then coming back crying & begging, I threw the bum out & divorced him. One day he shouted at me saying, “You divorced me! I didn’t want a divorce!’ This is also the idiot that when I told him I was going on a date with someone from work, he said ‘You’re not supposed to go out with other guys’. I’m so much better off physically & especially mentally without him. I do things for myself now, buy clothes, get pedicures, massages & go out with friends. I never did much for myself & as our marriage counselor said, ‘why was this marriage all about him’. Now, it’s all about me!! I’m taking care of ME for the first time in 30 years.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

He says I got us way in debt, when it was him, looking at porn, he belongs to a motorcycle club where alot of girls will show themselves. He takes pictures of them doing it and recently started puling up there shirts. He would also stay out all night and then tell his friends that I was a bitch and yelled at him. When all I would say was could you please get home at a decent hour so you don’t sleep all day so we could have some time together.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Not getting upset when he tries to start a fight. sending him a e-mail that told him I could not take the way he treated me and if things did not change I could not live like this any more. I told him I loved him very much and I hoped he would want to try to fix our marriage. He chose not to and had an affair and moved in with the girl about 2 months later, I think he was afraid I would divorce him and did not want to be alone so he found someone first, this is the second time he has done this same thing, only we were dating the first time he came back to me 18 months later and said I was the only girl with her head on her shoulders and that I wanted a relationship. Something really wrong with him there is bipolar in his family and his son at 16 went to prison for sexually molesting small children he will be 21 in February he got 4-15. I think he is also.