Ah, the word “love.” What a loaded word.

Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word “love” is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?

The wayward spouse often states, “I fell out of love. I no longer feel for you what I think I should feel. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you.”

The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much “loves” his/her spouse and wants him/her back.

There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being “in love” is paramount. This feeling means everything.

Typically the husband or wife describes “falling out of love” and is anxious about this development.

The “loving” or “romantic” feelings once passionately lived, for unknown reasons vanished or were transformed in the marriage.

S/he (please know that men also struggle with this issue!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. It is thought that those “in love/romantic feelings” comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one’s life.

The infidelity often is initiated when someone comes along who triggers the latent personal need to feel that “in love” feeling.S/he is insistent and tenacious in attaining and maintaining this ideal (or intensely “loving” relationship.

Before we strategize on how to intervene in the emotional affair, I have three points about this “love” phenomenon I want you to consider:

1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches that “being in love” is how it’s supposed to be.

“Falling in love” is the norm - the implication being, that if “love” doesn’t happen, or if “love” goes away, something is wrong - with you, your spouse or the marriage.

The odds are stacked against any couple attempting to navigate a marriage when bombarded by movies, TV, novels, advertising and grocery check out magazines that point to the power (gosh, don’t you envy some of those hip couples?) of finding and losing “love.”

To create a lasting, intimate and wonderfully joyful marriage in our Western Culture we first must unlearn a great deal.

2. S/he desperately searching for “that loving feeling” (remember the Righteous Brothers)…typically is conflicted with a signficant dose of guilt.

Unlike some of the other 7 kinds of affairs I describe in “Break Free From the Affair,’ “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” is marked, for the most part, by the absence of anger.

He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is).

A little voice within (an s/he is typically aware of this quiet but persistent voice) whispers consistently that s/he is moving down a perilous path.

3. Someone with a personal need for that “loving feeling” often has a personal need for thrills and stimulation.

The aura around relationships casts a shadow of being a soap opera. The intrigue of 2 meeting secretly to the exclsion of another is the norm.

that feeling of being in “love” is tied closely to the personal need for excitement and plotting. The secret and clandestine nature of extramarital affairs lends itself nicely to seemingly meet these two powerful needs of feeling ‘in love’ and living an exciting life.

The razzle dazzle and drama of pursuing the “feeling in love” relationship takes center stage rather than a life lived with a certain knowledge of who one is.

If emotional infidelity of this form confronts you, please know you are in for the ride of your life. The power of your negative thoughts and feelings will will demand that you respond with fortitude and courage.

Where does this come from? - a common reaction to someone facing a “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair. Please read Brenda’s comments as she reflects on her struggle with this kind of affair:

I do NOT read for pleasure - I am NOT a reader (only for requirements professionally and academically).

HOWEVER I did get through “Break Free From the Affair” in a day - wish I had it 2 years ago (or more).

Even the details of the timing and the ‘activity’ or ‘behaviour’ of me was bang on.

My ex left at Christmas in 2005 - I started seeing my psychologist within about 1-2 months.

He heard a very detailed story like Affair #1 - My marriage made me do it - and he mentioned at the time that he never had a patient so clearly describe the downward spiral of a marriage, the emotional and verbal abuse, etc. (and the magical thinking that occured - especially after he left)

Your book, in combination of another one (can’t remember the specific name - I think … “not just friends’), whereby it specifically talks about the spouse feeling like they are betraying their ‘emotional affair person or OP” when they are intimate with their spouse - BUT did NOT feel that their emotional affair was betraying the spouse was amazing!!

With fewer than 1/2 dozen instances of physical intimacy per year over the last 3-4 years of the marriage (while their emotional affair built up - because he fostered her through her divorce for 2 years), the vile hatred and contempt that my ex expressed/directed at me was unbelievable and always within an hour of that encounter - that knowledge years ago might have been nice! :-) and you are right REGARDLESS of what I did, offered to do, and complied with his requests to make changes in my behaviours or actions, he became worse.

I was finally glad to read the statistics from (ahh, can’t remember the female docs name) regarding the 4,100 male executives and only 3% of them having affairs married their affaired partner / mistress (and the work / details of Dr. Pittman’s work revealing / detailing the 5 factors that caused those couples that marry, when it started in an affair - WHY their relationship ultimately ends) BUT your book seemed a bit ‘more promising for them’ ….. (meaning well more than a 3% chance that they will marry)

That while the OP is the SAVIOUR, that ‘perfect world and perfect relationship’ actually does deteriorate.

Just wish I had all these details, facts (I love statistics) and the reasoning as to WHY (just like you knew the marraige was 8-9 likely to end), when people do this it doesn’t work so well (and the life they thought would be so much better IF it just weren’t because their life was ruined by their spouse - and had they only met their saviour earlier in life - their life would have been perfect because of this perfect soul mate).

I have a hard time believing that it breaks down the same way - when this person starts out as a ‘perfect saviour’ - it must have a somewhat different course (especially because the affair starts in a lie, while the marriage was NOT based upon ’secretive and or forbidden meetings’ like theirs).

I would very much appreciate getting the more specific details of the ‘course of the affaired relationship’ HOW and in what timeframe does that relationship start to fray ????

Most sincerely, and THANK YOU

Brenda

A common plea: But, we’re “just friends.” However the “emotional connection” is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the “vibes” that are set off.

These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.

Here are a few observations of the “just friends” emotional affair:

1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.

2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don’t like intimacy.) The “just friends” emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get “intimate.” Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.

3. Of course the “just friends” comment means either “stay away” or I’m, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me. There is an “emotional connection” to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of “stuckness or lostness.”

The lover or “falling in love” emotional affair has a different twist.

The common complaint to the partner is: “I feel badly about this, and I don’t want to hurt you, but, I’m not “in love” with you anymore. “I love you but I’m not in love.” This often indicates:

1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.

2. The person “looking for love?? is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.

3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love?? is the panacea for my emptiness.

4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull?? in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.

There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotional affairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understand the differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embark on a more confident path of resolution.

This type of affair is one of seven is one of seven described in Break Free From the Affair.