Here are some comments from those on the journey who responded to my request to give their review of my ebook, “Break Free From the Affair.”

>>>Realized that the affair was not as a direct consequence of my actions. It also stopped me behaving in a way that would prevent the breaking free from the affair. The book has also made me center more of myself and improving my self esteem.

>>>It has helped me in regaining self-confidence before I take any decision about my marriage. Getting to know that his affair was HIS decision and not my fault, has helped me to stay strong and focused through this painful situation

>>>We finally talked – I mean REALLY talked. Where he felt safe talking and opened up. No lectures from me – no droning on about whatever I think. And I REALLY listened. It made me feel so good about myself!

>>>Knowing the type of Affair helps to understand the why, and how to go about making the decision whether or not to stay in the marriage. It’s been particularly difficult for me as this my spouse’s 3rd affair (that I know of) in our 45 years of marriage. Not really sure myself why I’m still here looking for answers.

>>>I have more information and was able to handle the situation more adaptly. I’m able to identify the person and the reason my wife strays.

>>>It was like a road map because I wanted to work on my marriage but did not have any clues.

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Such an affair often emerges when a person has a history of sexual abuse.

Read this case study of how the identification of this type of affair helped this couple:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It helped me fully understand that its not my fault. While I contributed to the failed marriage in many ways, the real problem is with my spouse. Funny, we naturally tended to follow your course of action, no counseling, no church, etc. We worked on our marriage and broke down the communication barriers. It has been almost a year now. The biggest breakthrough was identifying the type of affair. It explained it all to both of us, and really helped my wife seek a path of healing. She’s very broken from childhood sex abuse by her father. I knew about it at the very beginning of our relationship, however I had no idea how it could or would impact us.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I still have pain in the memory, not sure how to deal with that. I still don’t trust even though she has shown to be trustworthy. But she did it twice with an 8 year span between. I don’t know how to tell if she’s needing outside stimulus again, or if she will seek an emotional connection with someone else. She is the type 6 affair – “I need to prove my desirability”. Her father ruined her self esteem. The biggest growth came when she made a decision not to be a victim any more, but to be a survivor.

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The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.

The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.

Case Study:

My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.

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Read what others say about the impact of infidelity on their lives”

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU?

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke.

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Chatting, emailing, phone calls, and/or phone sex with someone living miles or countries away tug and pull at some who at one level are grabbed and held by an inner world of unfulfilled erotic or emotional powers stirred once the fingers hit the keyboard.

It’s a form of the “I Can’t Say No Affair” that is not played out in strip clubs or with prostitutes but with “cyber friends.” The guilt and shame is still there, most of the time, especially when “caught.”

This activity is easily rationalized – “It doesn’t mean anything! It’s just a game! I just like chatting! No one is getting hurt! – and so forth – all from the comfort of one’s laptop.

But, it does severely limit one’s personal evolution and the evolution of greater intimacy in the marriage.

Read what this woman has to say:

I wanted to find out why my husband did what he did. I thought we had a good marriage but I know now that It was not my fault. This was the third cyberaffair he had. He admitted that he wanted to prove himself that he’s still desirable by chatting and long phone conversation. I forgave him again and again hoping he would stop. I’m afraid it won’t be the last time but I refuse to give up yet. Even though it went as far as emotional affairs but it’s still hurt bad. We still love each other and every time he cried and admitted that he didn’t understand himself why he did it. May be he needs professional help?. May be I’m in denial. He would tell me everything about the affairs. He would answered all my questions. We would have our “Real talk” and then forgive and forget. Neither of us want a divorce. After 20 yrs of marriage when he started his first cyberaffair and that was 6 -7 yrs ago. Second affair was within 12 mos and then this. If he really regret it and really wants to stop it all, we’ll be celebrating our 27 yrs anniversary this May. All in all he is a good husband and a good father and a good man and I know in my heart that he loves me. I do prepare myself for the future if he does it again, I love him enough to let him go and do whatever he pleases. I still respect him and also I do respect myself. Thank you very much for your info and your e-book. It really gave me peace of mind to know that I am not alone and my feelings were not crazy. You answered my questions and helped me get through my day with dignity. Understanding his behavior helped me deal with the situation and made me want to find more info and answers to help “HIM”. Everyday I longed for you e-mail and more info to help me cope with confusion and hurts. I felt a whole lot better than a few weeks ago when I found out from our cell phone bill that he had secret phone calls while I was away(out of the country with my mom).

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The case study below illustrates what it’s like to cope with infidelity of this nature.

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?

We have been reconciled for 2 yrs. but at the time I put up with Flip-flopping! With me, he would be determined to fix the mess he made, but as soon as he was back with her, he couldn’t leave her. 2. Tears, he cried all the time, felt very sorry for himself. 3. Nastiness, tell me how great she was, most sensuous woman he had ever met; such a great cook; a great mom; wonderful, nice woman she was; she had been married and divorced 3X’s, had several long term common law situations. 4. Drinking on his medication 5. Cake eating big time! Never let me out of his clutches, begging me to be patient, let him get this out of his system My husband hates confrontation!

Coach’s Comments:

1. I suspect an “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair. The flip-flopping seems like a game, not a true sign of confusion or ambivalence. He “knows” what he wants and he’s going to get it (i.e. both a mistress – who mirrors back to him how truly great he is – and a stable home base envirnment from which to stray.) His comments to his wife about the OP also indicates narcissism.

2. Words won’t work with the “I Don’t Want to Say No.” One needs to act, to set up and follow through on consequences. And, when action is indicated, he will turn on the tears and apologies. Don’t fall for that trick.

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I did a survey recently and asked my readers to identify the type of affair facing them.

Here are the results of the survey:

My Marriage Made Me Do It 44.4%

I Don’t Want to Say No 20.0%

I Can’t Say No 13.3%

I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love 20.0%

I Want to Get Back at Him/Her 15.6%

I Need to Prove My Desirability 33.3%

I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy 18.9%

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I’m doing research on emotional affairs and hundreds of you are helping me.

I asked the questions: “What are the signs? When did you begin to suspect?

Here are some of the answers:

Some of the things I noticed were that he was trying to loose weight and started going out alot more.

my sons told me they’d been e-mailing secretly

My husband told me about it once he saw it was beginning to get out of control, although he didn’t tell me that was happening. He told me he had spoken on the phone with a girl he met on his chat room. He wanted me to know so it would never go too far (it already had, though both he and I did not know it).

Change of character – secretive especially re his computer use, calls from her, started being critical of our relationship.

When he was gone all the time, lying about where he’d been and caught over there, lying as to why he was there

first he accused me of cheating. private name and number on his cell phone and his office phone ( he owns his own business). working long days when his company had down time. said he was going to do an estimate at a house ( he was going to be doing work on) but never did it. I found receipt for a very expensive lunch the same day he was doing the estimate including drinks. my husband does not have drinks for lunch with clients. he refused to spend mothers day, my birthday, his birthday and fathers day with me and our children. he was calling me a lot during the day ( big tip off there, maybe calls once a day) and asking what i was doing, planning to do. the day I cought my husband at his office with the other woman he knew I was on my way to his office…..

She said she wasn’t sure of feelings for me and wanted to stop intimacy of all kinds.

After an overseas business trip. SMS contact in secret

The telephone bill has increased and I saw numerous calls to the same phone number lasting for hours. He stayed in his office longer talking to the girl.

out driving with my work and saw them together in a car when they were suppose to also be at at their own jobs

Bad temper, rudness, no sex, working late, no affection, Always looking for arguments to leave the hourse.He bought need cloths, lost weight, he was a total different person

Noticed at a social gathering that he seemed intriqued with her, then noticed other body language signs. She was engaged and continued two months after she married.

staying out late, sex changed, was not interested only did it for doing sake

sneaky, lying, crying, acting different, trying to start fights with me

Her signs were emotional detachment, suddenly changing her grooming habits, going places and doing things she normally didn’t, and “going shopping” for hours on end and HARDLY EVER coming home with any goods. Also, as I do some of the laundry, I would occasionally find “soiled” panties the morning after her getaways(and we hadn’t had sex the night before).

Distant, Sex was few and far in between and when it was, She wanted to introduce new things which I don’t mind but was unusual for her. She began to change her looks of 8 years( I mean drastically change) Hair cuts and styles/coloring, different styles of clothing. Spemt alot of time shopping for new clothing and who knows what else!

After the first affair with her he came home and told me about it.

calling each other at inappropriate times

Working late. On the internet excessively. Stayng up late to be on the internet. A distant look. Being preoccupied in thoughts, not responding when spoken to. Wanting to ‘go out’ with friends. Takinf cell phones with them at all times.

I noticed when he was gone and would call home, he never called from his room like he used to. He never seemed to excited to be home or talk about the trip or work for that matter.

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Where do Emotional Affairs typically begin?

Surprise, surprise. The work place comes out as number one, by a large margin.

I thought there was a fairly large group who connected with that old flame. And, that can be powerful – lot of unfinished adolescent business.

Check this out:

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Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word “love” is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?

The wayward spouse often states, “I fell out of love. I no longer feel for you what I think I should feel. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you.”

The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much “loves” his/her spouse and wants him/her back.

There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being “in love” is paramount. This feeling means everything.

Typically the husband or wife describes “falling out of love” and is anxious about this development.

The “loving” or “romantic” feelings once passionately lived, for unknown reasons vanished or were transformed in the marriage.

S/he (please know that men also struggle with this issue!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. It is thought that those “in love/romantic feelings” comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one’s life.

The infidelity often is initiated when someone comes along who triggers the latent personal need to feel that “in love” feeling.S/he is insistent and tenacious in attaining and maintaining this ideal (or intensely “loving” relationship.

Before we strategize on how to intervene in the emotional affair, I have three points about this “love” phenomenon I want you to consider:

1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches that “being in love” is how it’s supposed to be.

“Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if “love” doesn’t happen, or if “love” goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage.

The odds are stacked against any couple attempting to navigate a marriage when bombarded by movies, TV, novels, advertising and grocery check out magazines that point to the power (gosh, don’t you envy some of those hip couples?) of finding and losing “love.”

To create a lasting, intimate and wonderfully joyful marriage in our Western Culture we first must unlearn a great deal.

2. S/he desperately searching for “that loving feeling” (remember the Righteous Brothers)…typically is conflicted with a signficant dose of guilt.

Unlike some of the other 7 kinds of affairs I describe in “Break Free From the Affair,’ “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” is marked, for the most part, by the absence of anger.

He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is).

A little voice within (an s/he is typically aware of this quiet but persistent voice) whispers consistently that s/he is moving down a perilous path.

3. Someone with a personal need for that “loving feeling” often has a personal need for thrills and stimulation.

The aura around relationships casts a shadow of being a soap opera. The intrigue of 2 meeting secretly to the exclsion of another is the norm.

that feeling of being in “love” is tied closely to the personal need for excitement and plotting. The secret and clandestine nature of extramarital affairs lends itself nicely to seemingly meet these two powerful needs of feeling ‘in love’ and living an exciting life.

The razzle dazzle and drama of pursuing the “feeling in love” relationship takes center stage rather than a life lived with a certain knowledge of who one is.

If emotional infidelity of this form confronts you, please know you are in for the ride of your life. The power of your negative thoughts and feelings will will demand that you respond with fortitude and courage.

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