The “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair” can take many twists and turns.

The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.

The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.

Case Study:

My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.

Infidelity impacts your world. Your world, your relationships, how you view yourself will NEVER be the same. But, hey, that’s not all bad. We are always growing, always evolving and often infidelity accelerates that process.

Read what others say about the impact of infidelity on their lives”

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU?

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke.

Yes, the internet is dangerous for some. It provides an avenue, one never before experienced in our world, in which the deepest fantasies, fetishes and insecurities of good people can be played out…without ever getting to know someone!

Chatting, emailing, phone calls, and/or phone sex with someone living miles or countries away tug and pull at some who at one level are grabbed and held by an inner world of unfulfilled erotic or emotional powers stirred once the fingers hit the keyboard.

It’s a form of the “I Can’t Say No Affair” that is not played out in strip clubs or with prostitutes but with “cyber friends.” The guilt and shame is still there, most of the time, especially when “caught.”

This activity is easily rationalized – “It doesn’t mean anything! It’s just a game! I just like chatting! No one is getting hurt! – and so forth – all from the comfort of one’s laptop.

But, it does severely limit one’s personal evolution and the evolution of greater intimacy in the marriage.

Read what this woman has to say:

I wanted to find out why my husband did what he did. I thought we had a good marriage but I know now that It was not my fault. This was the third cyberaffair he had. He admitted that he wanted to prove himself that he’s still desirable by chatting and long phone conversation. I forgave him again and again hoping he would stop. I’m afraid it won’t be the last time but I refuse to give up yet. Even though it went as far as emotional affairs but it’s still hurt bad. We still love each other and every time he cried and admitted that he didn’t understand himself why he did it. May be he needs professional help?. May be I’m in denial. He would tell me everything about the affairs. He would answered all my questions. We would have our “Real talk” and then forgive and forget. Neither of us want a divorce. After 20 yrs of marriage when he started his first cyberaffair and that was 6 -7 yrs ago. Second affair was within 12 mos and then this. If he really regret it and really wants to stop it all, we’ll be celebrating our 27 yrs anniversary this May. All in all he is a good husband and a good father and a good man and I know in my heart that he loves me. I do prepare myself for the future if he does it again, I love him enough to let him go and do whatever he pleases. I still respect him and also I do respect myself. Thank you very much for your info and your e-book. It really gave me peace of mind to know that I am not alone and my feelings were not crazy. You answered my questions and helped me get through my day with dignity. Understanding his behavior helped me deal with the situation and made me want to find more info and answers to help “HIM”. Everyday I longed for you e-mail and more info to help me cope with confusion and hurts. I felt a whole lot better than a few weeks ago when I found out from our cell phone bill that he had secret phone calls while I was away(out of the country with my mom).