What does it take to break free from the affair? What does it take to get to the point of influencing the direction of the affair, without “trying?”

Here are some comments from those on the journey who responded to my request to give their review of my ebook, “Break Free From the Affair.”

>>>Realized that the affair was not as a direct consequence of my actions. It also stopped me behaving in a way that would prevent the breaking free from the affair. The book has also made me center more of myself and improving my self esteem.

>>>It has helped me in regaining self-confidence before I take any decision about my marriage. Getting to know that his affair was HIS decision and not my fault, has helped me to stay strong and focused through this painful situation

>>>We finally talked – I mean REALLY talked. Where he felt safe talking and opened up. No lectures from me – no droning on about whatever I think. And I REALLY listened. It made me feel so good about myself!

>>>Knowing the type of Affair helps to understand the why, and how to go about making the decision whether or not to stay in the marriage. It’s been particularly difficult for me as this my spouse’s 3rd affair (that I know of) in our 45 years of marriage. Not really sure myself why I’m still here looking for answers.

>>>I have more information and was able to handle the situation more adaptly. I’m able to identify the person and the reason my wife strays.

>>>It was like a road map because I wanted to work on my marriage but did not have any clues.

Affair # 6 in my ebook is: “I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

Such an affair often emerges when a person has a history of sexual abuse.

Read this case study of how the identification of this type of affair helped this couple:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It helped me fully understand that its not my fault. While I contributed to the failed marriage in many ways, the real problem is with my spouse. Funny, we naturally tended to follow your course of action, no counseling, no church, etc. We worked on our marriage and broke down the communication barriers. It has been almost a year now. The biggest breakthrough was identifying the type of affair. It explained it all to both of us, and really helped my wife seek a path of healing. She’s very broken from childhood sex abuse by her father. I knew about it at the very beginning of our relationship, however I had no idea how it could or would impact us.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I still have pain in the memory, not sure how to deal with that. I still don’t trust even though she has shown to be trustworthy. But she did it twice with an 8 year span between. I don’t know how to tell if she’s needing outside stimulus again, or if she will seek an emotional connection with someone else. She is the type 6 affair – “I need to prove my desirability”. Her father ruined her self esteem. The biggest growth came when she made a decision not to be a victim any more, but to be a survivor.

The “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair” can take many twists and turns.

The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.

The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.

Case Study:

My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.