This case study on confronting the other woman contains important principles in stopping an affair with confrontation:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted the OP to hear, from me, that we’d both been fooled into believing his lies. When I discovered his affair I considered what I wanted, and decided that there was much I could learn about myself in how I handled my feelings about his betrayal. I also knew that making a decision to throw him out of my house would be understandable, but not wise. After weighing his plea for forgiveness and another chance, I agreed to work through the affair on 4 conditions: 1) he ended it immediately AND took me with him to give OP the news, 2) we went together to be tested for SDT’s, 3) no sex between us until I felt ready AND he use protection until we were retested in 3 months, and 4) he agreed to counseling with an infidelity professional. NO exceptions. I also went in for some counseling to process my anger, hurt, and confusion. I introduced myself to her and told her she was the OP. She jumped up from the table and ran out of the restaurant. She called me on my cell on the ride to the STD lab, crying inconsolably, and begged me not to tell her husband, and swore that she had never cheated on him before this. I told her that she should probably get tested herself since they hadn’t used protection and that I couldn’t know if the two of us were the only ones he was cheating with. I wished her well; I felt oddly compassionate towards her. I told her that I would tell her husband if they didn’t end their affair.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

What happened is the tests were negative, they ended their affair (as far as I know), we stayed together, and it’s been a little over 2 years now. While we eventually resumed our sex life, I admit that my attraction to him has never fully recovered. I haven’t cheated on him, nor do I want to put myself through that. I don’t know if I’ll stay with him; sometimes, I have to process forgiveness over and over. I think I’m waiting to see if that process ever really comes to an end. I’ve been honest with him about my conflicted thoughts and plans. I have good days with him, and some that are just plain empty. Nothing’s really wrong, and nothing’s ever been right since the day I confronted him. I’ve been mediating about what I want, who I am, and if life with him holds any new promise, for either of us.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

What I learned is how strong I am, that I can tolerate dozens of seemingly overwhelming emotions, and that I don’t have to be controlled or defined by my emotions. I learned that his affair was about his stuff, and that my own stuff needed my attention, so I took the spotlight off his affair and made myself the center of attention, to myself. Out of all this, I’ve found much new happiness in many areas of my life. His affair was a wake-up call and I “took the call”, for which I’m grateful. I learned that my instincts are sound and trustworthy; it’s hard to imagine that I would ever distrust them again. What would I do differently? nothing.

Coach’s Comments:

Important principles are followed by this woman in her confrontation:
1. Take a deep breath and think. Don’t react. Don’t impulsively confront the other person.
2. See the confrontation (and affair) as an opportunity to learn and expand your skills and good feelings of your self.
3. Let your spouse know exactly what you will and will not tolerate. (Set some clear boundaries.)

A word of caution: This confrontation seemed to work beautifully for this woman. Some of this was dependent upon the kind of affair her husband the the other person engaged in. It probably was a “I Want to be Close to someone… but can’t stand intimacy” or “I Need to Prove My desirability” types of affairs. With other affairs, the outcome may differ.

What happens when a person confronts the other woman who was a friend?

Check out this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband and the other woman keep saying they were just friends and that they were not having an affair, i wanted to talk to her to get things straight from her, she was my very good friend as well. We meet 2 times and I asked her questions about situations, but the answers were ones she and my husband had come up with to cover there behinds.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She lied about everything. She said they were just friends and that they had to talk to each other and meet because of the committees and things they were on together.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I am not sure I would do it differently. I need answers and although I did not get those answers at the time I found out the liar she was and her true self was revealed in time. I learned that even if you get answers it does not help because there are some things I will never understand. Plus you only know what a person wants you to know. My friend deceived me, she went after my husband and would still take him to this day.

Coach’s Comments:

1. What is a friend? What are the markers or characteristics that tell you that a friend is a friend? What qualities do you want in a friend? How do you truly know they are there? What level of self disclosure do you need and expect in a friendship?

2. Many types of affairs (”I fell out of love…and just love being in love,” “My Marriage Made Me Do It,” and “I want to be close to somone…but can’t stand intimacy”) often involve a kindled relationship of someone fairly close - neighbor, couples with whom you socialize, common friend, and in some cases, extended family members. Feelings are stirred that may develop into infidelity and a triangle whereby the three, who were once friends, now dramatically change the relationship.

3. When confronting the “friend” know that the relationship as changed. Do not expect favors or the disclosure of truth. It may happen, but probably not. Once boundaries are crossed, it’s very difficult, well nigh impossible, to go back and expect “friendship.”

When infidelity occurs character wins - in the long run.

Here’s a case study of confronting the other woman in which the character of the other woman emerges.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted to see her face to face. She had visited my home with her husband and even came to dinner parties, twice. Clearly this kept me off track so I wanted to talk to her. I had already spoken with my husband but I thought her behaviour was really very bad. I was always under the assumption that people having affairs would want to keep it very secret and the fact that she had wanted to visit my home and meet my children was, to me, psychotic.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I was very calm. We met at my sister’s apartment and spoke for about 2 hours. My husband joined us towards the end. I got the usual junk about how hard it was for her to make female friends (barf!). Her intent was to tell me that it basically was a friendship gone too far. Unfortunately, my husband and I had spoken at length and in great detail before I met with her so I was able to discount much of what she was saying. She was from another country and had faked meetings to fly here and see my husband and so I was able to ask her why a “friendship” required physical contact. Anyway, I really got tired of her quickly and told my husband to drop her back at her hotel. I was done with her. He let me know that she was afraid that I would tell her husband. A few weeks later I did tell him due to some other stunt she pulled. I have no idea where or what she is doing now. That was 6 years ago and I am still going through recovery with my husband and it has its upsides in that we are closer. Nothing I have ever experienced has come close to being as devastating and I am a cancer-remission-survivor- who at one point was told I may not live for more that 5 more years!!
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would do it again in a heartbeat just to see for myself that she was really an awful human being. I learned that she really didn’t matter in the long run.

Coach’s Comments:

1. The character of a person does count for something. Character- or lack of it - shines through. A person’s inner moral compass, a person’s set of values; the way they make decisions based upon those values of what is right, uplifting and wholesome for them often are set aside during an affair. An affair is a suspension of character.

2. For some that lack of character is a deeply ingrained trait. In reality they probably are not aware that s/he lacks character or has a an inner compass that guides decisions. An affair therefore, is fairly easy for him/her. His/her lack of character continues long after the affair ends.

3. The lack of character in this other woman became obvious. Lack of character is very unattractive. The cheated upon wife obviously had insight to pick up on this and as she implies, tired of the other person. Fortunately the cheating husband also was able to see this lack of character.

4. It was extremely helpful to have the “blessing” of the husband when it came to confronting the other woman. This is proving to be an important element in making the confrontation constructive and avoiding the soap opera status.