I thought that confronting the other person would be a disaster in most cases.

That’s not what I found to be true. Many people found confronting the other person
to be very, very helpful. Now maybe those that experienced it as a disaster didn’t
write or didn’t respond to me, but I doubt that that’s true.

So let’s take a look: Should you confront the other person?

I found that when a person who’s very nice, accommodating, a pleasant person to be
around – first discovers infidelity, that person may feel a terrible sense of
victimization and helplessness.

And instead of holding back, which may be typical for them, they confronted the
other person. They let it fly, and let it fly in very powerful ways.

They didn’t say very nice things. They didn’t hold back what they were thinking.
They didn’t break the law and didn’t hurt anybody, but they at least confronted the
other person very strongly.

And most people reported that they walked away from that confrontation feeling
empowered. Not much was accomplished, but they felt better about themselves. And
they moved from this sense of being a victim to: “I have a little influence here,
and it feels good.”

There are those who typically are reactive, are blunt, are bold, and who want to get
in there and confront the other person initially. If that’s a personality trait or
personality pattern – I suggest you hold back.

Be reluctant to use that pattern on the other person. What that may do – if you
confront the other person with your directness and your power – is fuel the flames
of the affair. You become the person that he and she talk about and move them closer
together.

Here’s another tip: Don’t expect help from the other person. The other person is not
probably going to be accommodating or be truthful. Because after all, an affair is
based upon “mis-truth,” so why should you expect the other person to be truthful or
to be helpful? That probably is not going to happen.

The exception to that rule is in the kind of affair I call “I Don’t Want to Say No.”
Now, if you confront the other person in that kind of affair, the other person maybe
shocked and may start sharing stories of how your cheating spouse also conned or
manipulated that person. And in some cases, the other person and the person that’s
been cheated upon become good friends over a period of time.

If there’s an impasse, if the affair has been going on for a long time and there
doesn’t seem to be any movement, sometimes it’s helpful to intervene by confronting
the other person. The confrontation generates movement.

This is especially true for the Affair #4: “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being
in Love.” That kind of affair is based on a lot of juice, and secrets generate the
juice that keeps that relationship sparked.

By confronting the other person in the “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being in
Love” kind of affair, you may take away the juice. You take away the secret, and the
power of that affair is diminished at that particular point in time.

So if you face that kind of affair that becomes an option for you. And often, it’s a
helpful option in terms of breaking up the secrecy and the power of that type of
affair.

I highly recommend – with the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” kind of affair -
that you be reluctant to confront the other person. I don’t think it’s that helpful
in that kind of affair. As a matter of fact, it may be harmful, and there are
reasons for that that I don’t want to get into at this moment.

If you want to confront the other person, make it a plan.

Rehearse what you’re going to say in your mind; maybe practice with someone else. Be
prepared. Imagine the different scenarios that might emerge.

Go into the confrontation with an open mind, and be able to hold yourself by using
“charging neutral.” That probably will give you the best results.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=confront+the+other+person

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Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.

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A person faces a #7 affair, ” I want to be close to someone.. but can’t stand intimacy.”

The cheater in this case is often a controlled, controlling person who lives close to the vest, rarely self discloses important aspects of his/her life.

The spouse senses that something is not right in the relationship, but is fearful of confronting the cheating spouse with his/her inklings.

The cheating spouse had an affair 3 years previously and when confronted, denied and minimized the concern. The spouse who was confronting began to doubt his/her concerns and felt a little crazy for even bringing it up.

This time it’s three years later and the spouse wants ammunition before confronting her husband, who is involved again with the same person. She’s read love text messages and has viewed phone records but believes she needs more “proof” before confronting him.

This may be a viable strategy considering the history and type of affair.

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She no longer “paints pictures” in her mind of him/them. She sees the loneliness and emptiness and despair of those trying to find something in the wrong place.

Please understand that her movement to this state took place after months of attempting to cope with the affair and rebuild the marriage.

I observe that this movement toward compassion is extremely difficult in the beginning stages of infidelity in which much pain, fear, confusion and rage rules.

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

2 years ago I found out about the affair. My husband stopped having all contacts with her on the day of my discovery. After a few horrible days and nights we started “working on” our marriage and our relationship. 2 years later we are at a point of “standstill”. I still have the problem with not trusting him, I still think he is not telling me the whole through, I still can not really pin-point the kind of affair it was, so I decided to go and see for myself where, what and who “made” my husband forget his promise to me, the children and to himself. I wanted to see the place and feel the atmosphere , I wanted to understand what was motivating him for 2 years to live a secret, double life and I wanted to see what kind of a person would knowingly hurt other people. I wanted to understand what does my husband really say when he tells me:”I was addicted, I was crazy, I was insane, I did not love her, sex was not great in fact it was terrible, I would never go out in public with her, I was unhappy and she knew exactly when which buttons to push …” The OP worked for me for a few years before and their affair started at that time , first by phone, SMSs and 3 years later became sexual (for 2 years) . So, when I stood in front of her door I did not need to introduce myself , in addition their affair ended 2 years ago, so she nearly fainted when out of the blue I stood there asking her if she remembers me. Well she did. She invited me in, gave me a coffee, composed herself quite quickly . I asked her if she loved him and she said “Yes” I asked her if she ever believed that he will leave me and marry her . She said “Yes”

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My visit was 2 hours long. The apartment was dark, very small, behind the trees. A perfect place for secrets. There was a black cat, could be the sister of our black cat. I found out that it was. She talked quite freely, admitted that it took her many years to get him to sleep with her. She never thought that their affair was hurting other people, in fact, she never thought about me or children, she never asked him about us. After speaking with her , after seeing the place, I felt for the first time something like compassion for him and for her. I started to see that disturbed , unhappy and very confused man (my husband), I started to see that naive, quite selfish and very lonely woman and most of all, I started to see our marriage and our relationship for what it was then (before the affair) and for what it is now and what could have been and what can be, if…. if I allow myself to let go of the demons a little, became more realistic, less romantic, less superior, more open to be loved. I now believe that our marriage and our relationship can have a future.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I would not do it differently. That visit made me see the reality. I don’t paint pictures anymore – about him, her, or myself. I have a choice. I feel free to make a choice. He is not perfect, I am not perfect. And she does not matter. What choice will I make? I do not know just now. What I know however is that, this time, my decision to stay or to go will be based on realistic reasons.

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Confrontation may be seen (as in the case study below) as an end – to stop the affair.

Stopping the affair may work (depending on the type of affair, the degree to which your spouse “truly” wants out of the affair and other factors) but after the confrontation healing of substance and trust building begins.

In this case study, the confrontation did stop the affair, but there was zilch left in the marital relationship.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesnt think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesnt access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didnt have my advantage though… he didint know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

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Below is a familiar case study.

The wounded wife is in a fight for her life to save her dependent rather passive, easily-lead-by-the-nose husband from an aggressive female.

The wounded wife (who is aggressive herself) does battle with the other woman.

Not a pretty picture.

Of course, the wounded wife “wins” because the cheating husband finds more solace in accommodating his aggressive wife where there is more investment than with the aggressive other woman.

In reality, no one wins.

Winning would mean the married couple addressing the wife’s need to protect (or control) her husband and the husband’s passivity (which really is control.)

Here’s the case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesn’t think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesn’t access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didn’t have my advantage though… he didn’t know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

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This small voice knows what we need and what we need to do.

Sounds easy.. but far from it. This instinctual knowing voice is often drowned by other prominent voices that tout cultural imperatives, the latest pop psychology or fear based thoughts.

Here’s a man that followed his instincts:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

We met in the hallway at work a few days after I discovered the affair. I could not walk past this guy without saying something so I asked him to come up to my office, I am his Boss
.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He came up eventually and I told him that he was in the process of dismantling my family and how difficult and painful it was.He appologized and left promptly. He still did not stop pursuing my wife. I had to threaten my wife with divorce and had him banned from the Admin office and had to stay away from me.I eventually spoke to his wife who knew something was going on but uncertain of what it was. She got to him and he finally called me back to say that he wanted his marriage intact as well and if he could take back the affair he would…he apologized again and this time he stayed away from my wife.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No.I learned to follow my heart andf my instincts in trying to sort out this most terrible experience of my life. My wife and I have relocated half way across the world and slowing piecing things back together.

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In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

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Do you (really!) want to know the details?
Are you hoping the OP will share the details with you?
And, if the OP is willing to share details with you, what kind of details do you suppose s/he will share?
And, as well, how can you trust that his/her perceptions of the details are accurate?
Or, what if the OP has has hidden motives in sharing his/her perception of the details?

If you want to meet the op with the intent of boosting your self-esteem (hey, I really am OK), do you suppose there are better ways of doing that than through confronting the op?
And, what if confronting the op leads to more questions than answers and leaves your self-esteem in a less precarious position?

Consider these questions as you read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The purpose though embarrassing was to find out how good she was in her talk,whether she was brilliant or had a great sense of humor and to wriggle out the truth from her which I did..

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It was the most painful conversations that Ive ever had in my life and I
still don t know who s speaking the truth.Painful becoz all the gory details of their sexual encounters came tumbling out ,just becoz she wanted to avenge him for so called letting her down and coming back to me and the children.Apparently she had persuaded him long and hard to give me a divorce ,take the children away from me to her and that she would not have children of her own,etc,etc,which my idiotic husband believed and got ready to leave..The thought still is so frightening and shocking..

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I really don t know becoz it s been almost 2 years, but the pain is as new as if has happened yesterday and the one good lesson I seem to have learned is that one can only believe in oneself and nobody else.Investing time ,energy and love in another person comes with no guarantees at all as most men as I’VE EXPERIENCED ARE UNDEPENDABLE…

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Consider the case study below. I would guess that the cheating wife was engaged in a “I Need to Prove My Desirability” type of affair.” These people are often very vulnerable to a sexual predator or narcissistic personality.

The husband seemed to have some knowledge of her underlying pattern, as indicated by accepting with calm the response of the other person. The husband was at some level determined to protect his wife and the bond between the two of them.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I thought they were just phoning each other but I wanted to know the inside story so I called him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He told me ” I f….d her.” He tried to create that wedge between us. It did not work. I knew it was he who sought after her due to the numerous incoming calls and the fact she called me several times afterwards due to guilt. Our relationship is stronger now. I am going to stop working away from home and stay home to watch for these predators. He wanted to move in and take over my home.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes. I would stay home and work in our area and pay more attention to her activities and callers. She was just curious and found out there are vast numbers of cheaters out their who prey on lonely women.

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