There have been plenty of cases where the one involved in an affair did not tell his or her partner about it, and have never been discovered. This should tell you to make yourself aware of any signs that could point to your partner having an affair. The most basic of all is a change in habits and behavioral patterns. You could be sensing that something is “off” or “out of character” with your partner but not be able to say specifically what it is.

Although trust is a very important aspect in any relationship, you should be a little cautious when you notice that something is different with your partner, and be brave enough to confront him or her about it. A change in behavior may not always mean that he or she is having an affair, but there still is that possibility.

Educate yourself and understand that there are different kinds of affairs – why and how they start, what it means to your partner, and how your relationship affected his or her decision to go through with it.

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My first C.O.P. webinar will be tomorrow, Thursday, 9/30/2010 at 5:00 EST. Throughout the course of this webinar I’m going to introduce some ideas I have on confronting the OP as they relate to the seven types of affairs that are outlined in my e-book, Break Free From the Affair.

It was always a question of mine, “Should a person confront or not confront the other person in the affair?” I really didn’t have a strong feeling about that. I guess my major thought was, “No, that probably isn’t a good idea…it’s probably just going to stir up a hornets nest.”

However, I didn’t have much material or enough information to back up this thought. I didn’t find much research on the subject, mainly because it’s something that’s hard for people to talk about.

So, I sent out a survey to my readers on C.O.P. and I asked them to relay their experiences. I got 400-500 stories back from people about either confronting or not confronting the other person, what happened, the disasters and the successes. It was a tremendous resource for me to go over those stories and look at people’s experiences.

For some, the experience was very positive and rewarding. For others, confronting the other person was a complete disaster. I took all the stories and began to organize and think through those stories and underlying reasons.

What I want to do in my first workshop is look at the 7 types of affairs, and whether or not it would be a good idea or problematic to confront the other person.

Go ahead and sign up for my webinar. It’s free, and I will have some goodies to share with you for signing up.

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One of those who signed up for the webinar emailed me two emails he sent to the other person. He is more than willing to share these emails with you, with names omitted.

The wife reconnected with someone she was engaged to and continued to email, text and Facebook.
This is the husband’s first letter to the OP.

Please leave your comments below. Give your impressions, what you learned, questions or concerns. Refrain from harsh criticism or effusive praise. We are here to learn from each other.

The first email:
(Name of OP….)

We have never met but by now you know everything about me and my life with (wife’s name) and the kids. As you know we are going to counseling starting today. It has been a tough 10 days for me as I search myself and ponder everything that has brought us to this point. (Wife’s name) does give you credit for speaking up and saying something to me about our relationship. For that I thank you.

However, I am asking that you now step back if you can from (wife’s name) as we try to heal our relationship. I love her more than I have ever shared. I have never been unfaithful to her and yes….I have had some episodes where I have said some mean and inappropriate things to her and the family. I cannot make excuses but I know that I need to re-program my mind to live in the moment, seek some stress counseling, and become a better husband.

(Wife’s name) has shared some devastating news with me in regards to her feelings towards me and in order for us to move forward I cannot have her emotions clouded with feelings or thoughts towards you and your past relationship. I know you and (wife’s name) were very close and I frankly do not have a problem with you being friends or even having lunch together in the near future….but only after our situation is healed.

(OP’s name)….from what (wife’s name) has told me it appears that you do not have any design on her. However, I fear that she has become emotionally attached to what could have been and I cannot believe that it is healthy for you and her to continue such in-depth phone conversations…..over 35 hours in 2 months. When I saw that today I was devastated and in trying to get (wife’s name) to open up with me all week I had a hunch there was more to this entire situation.

I write this email taking a chance that if and when (wife’s name) finds out, she will not feel I have overstepped my bounds. However I feel compelled to contact you and give you my perspective because you are such a large part of this situation.

I have no idea what will happen with the counselor. I do know that (wife’s name) has focused on much of the negative, yet there is so much more to our previous 22 years together as we have built our family. I can only hope and pray that she begins to focus on some of those times too.

(OP’s name)….I thank you for your time and I hope at some time we do meet. I believe we would get along well, at least (wife’s name) has always said that.

Thank you again.

(huband’s name)

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You can find his first letter here.

Please leave your comments, questions, insights and concerns below. Remember, we are hear to learn not to be dogmatic. BTW, for those of you who have read Break Free From the Affair, which of the 7 types of affairs do you suppose this is?

Second email:
Hi (OP’s name) ….hope you are well.

It has been almost 4 months since I last communicated with you. However, as a husband, father, and man….I am touching base with you one more time in order to clarify my thoughts, requests and intentions.

I am asking that you keep this between you and me.

As you know (wife’s name) and I have challenges which we are still working through. However, they were complicated by her reconnection with you. The original communications between you and (wife’s name)…even you would have to admit that 37 hours of phone calls, 2200 text messages (30 – 40 a day?), and numerous other emails, etc. in a 9 week time period was more than excessive. If you don’t believe my stats, let me know, I can send you the phone records. I don’t know how (op’s wife’s name) your wife would feel about that, but from any vantage point it was not even close to appropriate. If you think that your connection with (wife’s name) was “just friends”, feel free to Google the term Emotional Affair or Emotional Infidelity for an eye opening experience.

The bottom line…..I am asking you to please do yourself justice and focus on YOUR relationship with YOUR wife and children without involving my wife and family any further. Your personal problems with your job and wife should be dealt with by you and you alone. “Forever and Always” needs to stay in the past….not further tag lines on emails to my wife. Sure….I get it….fond memories of an old flame are normal….but they need to stay in the past as memories. You “let her go” once before and I’m sure that you can do it again.

(OP’s name)… my hope is that you respectfully decline or at the very least severely limit any future communications or pre-planned and “accidental” meetings with my wife. You can do it in a kind, compassionate, yet respectful manner. Keeping things professional and above board. But…further contact with (wife’s name), the sharing of intimate relationship details/problems, and other interactions is not healthy for ANY of us. Focus on your family and their future….they need you now more than ever and I will focus on mine. I respectfully advise you to do this in the hope that (wife’s name) and I can regain trust in one another and recover what any dignity is left in our marriage. I do not know your current relationship with (op’s wife’s name)….but I cannot believe she would not be hurt, upset, and betrayed by your actions, conversations, and involvement with my wife.

This should not be some sort of Romeo and Juliet situation with the allure of forbidden contact. We are not teenagers or college students…..this is real life and the decisions we make….actions we take ….all affect our families and children. It is not a harmless game.

Please take the high road on this.

I ask again that you respect my position on keeping this between us and I will respect the same position with you.

I wish you well with your life. Should you want to respond I will be receptive.

Thank you.

(husband’s name)

P.S. I asked my reader, the wounded husband, to fill me in on what happens. Might be interesting!

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I thought that confronting the other person would be a disaster in most cases.

That’s not what I found to be true. Many people found confronting the other person
to be very, very helpful. Now maybe those that experienced it as a disaster didn’t
write or didn’t respond to me, but I doubt that that’s true.

So let’s take a look: Should you confront the other person?

I found that when a person who’s very nice, accommodating, a pleasant person to be
around – first discovers infidelity, that person may feel a terrible sense of
victimization and helplessness.

And instead of holding back, which may be typical for them, they confronted the
other person. They let it fly, and let it fly in very powerful ways.

They didn’t say very nice things. They didn’t hold back what they were thinking.
They didn’t break the law and didn’t hurt anybody, but they at least confronted the
other person very strongly.

And most people reported that they walked away from that confrontation feeling
empowered. Not much was accomplished, but they felt better about themselves. And
they moved from this sense of being a victim to: “I have a little influence here,
and it feels good.”

There are those who typically are reactive, are blunt, are bold, and who want to get
in there and confront the other person initially. If that’s a personality trait or
personality pattern – I suggest you hold back.

Be reluctant to use that pattern on the other person. What that may do – if you
confront the other person with your directness and your power – is fuel the flames
of the affair. You become the person that he and she talk about and move them closer
together.

Here’s another tip: Don’t expect help from the other person. The other person is not
probably going to be accommodating or be truthful. Because after all, an affair is
based upon “mis-truth,” so why should you expect the other person to be truthful or
to be helpful? That probably is not going to happen.

The exception to that rule is in the kind of affair I call “I Don’t Want to Say No.”
Now, if you confront the other person in that kind of affair, the other person maybe
shocked and may start sharing stories of how your cheating spouse also conned or
manipulated that person. And in some cases, the other person and the person that’s
been cheated upon become good friends over a period of time.

If there’s an impasse, if the affair has been going on for a long time and there
doesn’t seem to be any movement, sometimes it’s helpful to intervene by confronting
the other person. The confrontation generates movement.

This is especially true for the Affair #4: “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being
in Love.” That kind of affair is based on a lot of juice, and secrets generate the
juice that keeps that relationship sparked.

By confronting the other person in the “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being in
Love” kind of affair, you may take away the juice. You take away the secret, and the
power of that affair is diminished at that particular point in time.

So if you face that kind of affair that becomes an option for you. And often, it’s a
helpful option in terms of breaking up the secrecy and the power of that type of
affair.

I highly recommend – with the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” kind of affair -
that you be reluctant to confront the other person. I don’t think it’s that helpful
in that kind of affair. As a matter of fact, it may be harmful, and there are
reasons for that that I don’t want to get into at this moment.

If you want to confront the other person, make it a plan.

Rehearse what you’re going to say in your mind; maybe practice with someone else. Be
prepared. Imagine the different scenarios that might emerge.

Go into the confrontation with an open mind, and be able to hold yourself by using
“charging neutral.” That probably will give you the best results.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=confront+the+other+person

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Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.

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A person faces a #7 affair, ” I want to be close to someone.. but can’t stand intimacy.”

The cheater in this case is often a controlled, controlling person who lives close to the vest, rarely self discloses important aspects of his/her life.

The spouse senses that something is not right in the relationship, but is fearful of confronting the cheating spouse with his/her inklings.

The cheating spouse had an affair 3 years previously and when confronted, denied and minimized the concern. The spouse who was confronting began to doubt his/her concerns and felt a little crazy for even bringing it up.

This time it’s three years later and the spouse wants ammunition before confronting her husband, who is involved again with the same person. She’s read love text messages and has viewed phone records but believes she needs more “proof” before confronting him.

This may be a viable strategy considering the history and type of affair.

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She no longer “paints pictures” in her mind of him/them. She sees the loneliness and emptiness and despair of those trying to find something in the wrong place.

Please understand that her movement to this state took place after months of attempting to cope with the affair and rebuild the marriage.

I observe that this movement toward compassion is extremely difficult in the beginning stages of infidelity in which much pain, fear, confusion and rage rules.

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

2 years ago I found out about the affair. My husband stopped having all contacts with her on the day of my discovery. After a few horrible days and nights we started “working on” our marriage and our relationship. 2 years later we are at a point of “standstill”. I still have the problem with not trusting him, I still think he is not telling me the whole through, I still can not really pin-point the kind of affair it was, so I decided to go and see for myself where, what and who “made” my husband forget his promise to me, the children and to himself. I wanted to see the place and feel the atmosphere , I wanted to understand what was motivating him for 2 years to live a secret, double life and I wanted to see what kind of a person would knowingly hurt other people. I wanted to understand what does my husband really say when he tells me:”I was addicted, I was crazy, I was insane, I did not love her, sex was not great in fact it was terrible, I would never go out in public with her, I was unhappy and she knew exactly when which buttons to push …” The OP worked for me for a few years before and their affair started at that time , first by phone, SMSs and 3 years later became sexual (for 2 years) . So, when I stood in front of her door I did not need to introduce myself , in addition their affair ended 2 years ago, so she nearly fainted when out of the blue I stood there asking her if she remembers me. Well she did. She invited me in, gave me a coffee, composed herself quite quickly . I asked her if she loved him and she said “Yes” I asked her if she ever believed that he will leave me and marry her . She said “Yes”

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My visit was 2 hours long. The apartment was dark, very small, behind the trees. A perfect place for secrets. There was a black cat, could be the sister of our black cat. I found out that it was. She talked quite freely, admitted that it took her many years to get him to sleep with her. She never thought that their affair was hurting other people, in fact, she never thought about me or children, she never asked him about us. After speaking with her , after seeing the place, I felt for the first time something like compassion for him and for her. I started to see that disturbed , unhappy and very confused man (my husband), I started to see that naive, quite selfish and very lonely woman and most of all, I started to see our marriage and our relationship for what it was then (before the affair) and for what it is now and what could have been and what can be, if…. if I allow myself to let go of the demons a little, became more realistic, less romantic, less superior, more open to be loved. I now believe that our marriage and our relationship can have a future.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I would not do it differently. That visit made me see the reality. I don’t paint pictures anymore – about him, her, or myself. I have a choice. I feel free to make a choice. He is not perfect, I am not perfect. And she does not matter. What choice will I make? I do not know just now. What I know however is that, this time, my decision to stay or to go will be based on realistic reasons.

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Confrontation may be seen (as in the case study below) as an end – to stop the affair.

Stopping the affair may work (depending on the type of affair, the degree to which your spouse “truly” wants out of the affair and other factors) but after the confrontation healing of substance and trust building begins.

In this case study, the confrontation did stop the affair, but there was zilch left in the marital relationship.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesnt think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesnt access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didnt have my advantage though… he didint know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

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Below is a familiar case study.

The wounded wife is in a fight for her life to save her dependent rather passive, easily-lead-by-the-nose husband from an aggressive female.

The wounded wife (who is aggressive herself) does battle with the other woman.

Not a pretty picture.

Of course, the wounded wife “wins” because the cheating husband finds more solace in accommodating his aggressive wife where there is more investment than with the aggressive other woman.

In reality, no one wins.

Winning would mean the married couple addressing the wife’s need to protect (or control) her husband and the husband’s passivity (which really is control.)

Here’s the case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesn’t think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesn’t access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didn’t have my advantage though… he didn’t know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

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