(we are just starting and he still knows nothing about this book or info) 1. The process has just started by my getting the book, and trying to gain the needed information, reading it, understanding the affair, and putting everything into perspective, trying to absorb all of the info and putting into practice the things that I learned and watching the results. 2. we took a vacation…. the op still tried to call his cell, but he ignored it…, but we just had fun and spent time…. “neutral” so to speak, just doing something different to see if we still enjoyed each others company or not…. We had a good time, part of it I would go ahead and go swimming by myself and shopping by myself, and just left him in the room. Or I did window shopping by myself so he could see that I didn’t have to be “attached” to him to have a good time… it helped me too… also, I stopped holding his hand instead I would just walk beside him. He started to reach out for me more often. I learned to not “expect” anything and to bite the sides of my mouth if I had to in order to be more control of what I really want to say… 3. my changed responses and reactions to his typical insults and rudeness did cause him to have to change his responses…. and actions. He doesn’t know that he is not the one in charge of the situation right now…. He still thinks that he is in control, but he is still so out of control and focus…. this does give me the strength I need to take care of myself and my daughter and to make a plan and decisions that I need… so as a couple we have a long way to go, but he has started to make future plans for “us”, like a 10 year commitment in a time share, a new security system that will take time to pay off, and up-grading our health insurance policies for better coverage… and talking about his possible upcoming promotion and the possibity that I may be able to work less and be home more… (which is one thing he really needs and that is for me to be home for him when he is off work.) Note * your information is right on…. while no one else seems to think that a marriage can be saved or worth it…. you and your information does offer another solution to choose from… thatnks… the things that I have tried do work… I still don’t know if it will work, but it is certainly worth a try…. I have already invested 16 years into this “relationship” and so why not try something new that might help… thanks for all you do.

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No easy task.

If interested, I offer an e-book: Marriage Makeover.

My readers might also help you understand the implement the healing process. Here are some responses:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

A. Talked, Talked, no details, a promise to trust 110%. 2- No Lies, Always Truth no matter what pain you cause you’re partner. 3- Earn the trust back, at all costs, talk more when you feel insecure, hold each other every day, re-new the Love that brought you together, hold hands when you fall asleep !

B. Firstly, forget the affair. Secondly, and think about each other Overtime, when the anger has left, you will decide if you still want to pursue the marriage.

C. remained calm did not accuse planned every conversation (telephone call) to be positive, kind, keeping the communication going eventually she began to realize that all those terrible things she had convinced herself about me were not the true picture

D. 1) Be honest with what we feel in the moment 2) Acknowledge that what we are dealing with is in the past but needs to be dealt with now 3) Be free to feel be vulnerable again

E. Kept in touch every day, even a quick phone call from the office to say “how are you”? helps to make you feel more loved and secure We made a decision to try to forget past “memories” because lots of them had reminders of the affair, and make new memories for us as a couple.It was very difficult as 30 years of memories (good and bad) are hard to put aside.

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I posed this question to my readers. Here are some responses:

The turning point in my recovery was after 2 years when a personal tragedy struck our family and my husband was supportive and wonderful and I could truly trust that he had made a mistake (we all do) and that he was a good person and worth the chance to forgive and go on with our lives.

Turning point was that once I recovered from the shock I was able to sever the relationship as for me there was no respect left. Your materials provided some insight into infidelity issues and even though there are many reasons for infidelity men and women must realize that wanting to ‘have your cake and eating it too’ will inevitably cause some serious digestive problems!!!

The initial turning point for me was finding your book. I felt so lost and so alone. My mind raced constantly searching for answers. I just wanted to stop thinking…that’s it I wanted my mind to rest. It didn’t until I found your book. I feared that my feelings were not justified. The feeling of loss, the loss of the life that I once knew. The checking up on him so many, many things. I first found your book roughly 3 years ago. I kept my husbands affair to myself. I had no one that I wanted to share it with as I felt shame. Shame in the fact that I decided to stay with my husband. The book and your newsletter were a sense of relief for me and confirmation of my feelings that others before me had felt. I didn’t feel as alone anymore. I could consult, confidentially it lessened my pain so I could begin healing.

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It’s very easy to believe that you did not do enough, were inadequate in some ways, or, as the person below states, he thought the affair was a result of him not meeting her needs.

He later, after the affair, discovers some of the same old patterns of behavior emerge.

Please read what he says:

I must be honest with you. I really thought that it was because I was not meeting my spouses emotional needs but, I just don not know anymore because some of the things that lead to the affair are now creeping back into our lives. Something is not right because our intimacy is a struggle. Communications is a struggle. It is more like she communicates with me to get what she wants. When I bring up issues that I want or need she often says that is not true or that I do not understand. I have tried to the best of my abilities to deal with this situation and the truth be known I am feeling very much alone and all that has happened is blame upon myself. My spouse does not accept her responsibility in the affair but says it was my fault. You know I do not know if this helps at all but it has really sucked for the past 2 years. As far as tolerating things you know she got off way to easy and as a result she takes advantaged of my good nature. What the hell, do people care anymore or is it just what they can suck out of someone else regardless of how much they hurt you or walk all over you?

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What helps makes charging neutral effective for her are two critical factors:

1. Her spouse seems to be pretty much on board in terms of wanting to repair the marriage. Taking her reactivity out of the equations helps the healing process. This can be true for an emotional infidelity or other types of affairs.

2. She talks about her affair years earlier. This fact gives her empathy and understanding for the plight of her husband. Charging neutral then is an easier skill to employ.

After my initial shock of finding out my husband had been having an affair for about 2 years and after I acted like most people yelling screaming throwing things. I stood back and decided I really wanted our marriage to work. He had made the decision to break away from the affair when I did discover about it so I think that sort of made it easier for me. I think I used the “charging Neutral”method by sitting down with him and acting very cool and just stating the way I felt and what we both must do to try and make it work. I stated the facts like we have been married for 30 years and we do still have a good relationship that we can make it happen again as long as he wants to. I had also had an affair 10 years ago and at that time I told him face to face he did not find out any other way just me telling him. So we bought that up again and discussed the fact that he felt like me all that time again and we made it work again once so why not this time. Maybe my circumstances are a little different to most but it has now been 2 years since his affair was discovered and I think we are through it. I do still get moments where I want to check a few things out to make sure he has really made a clean break but I think that is normal!

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1. What was the turning point(s) in your recovery? What part, if any, did my material (e-book, articles, site) play?

I found your e-book after months of searching for someone to turn to, someplace to give me even a tiny bit of insight into what was going on in my life. I had been on a merry-go-round, discovering that this wonderful man I was married to was involved in a very complicated emotional affair with someone 22 years his junior. The turning point came when I wrote you an email and you actually replied to me. I wanted to know why my H continued to say “I don’t know how this happened.” Your answer included a statement (I paraphrase here) – That perhaps my H was being entirely sincere about not knowing how it had happened. I thought about that (along with so many other things, of course) and I decided that instead of rejecting my H (who seemed genuinely distressed) I would give him the gift of TIME. I am over-simplifying here . . . as during months of questioning both myself and my H, I also accepted another insight you gave me – that this was not about me, this was about my H. I had done what other people typically do – I was on this hamster run, going round and round, questioning “what had I done wrong?” Even my H agreed that I had been nothing less than an enthusiastic partner, supportive wife, exceptional mother, etc. So I kept thinking – if I did nothing wrong (and H said – I had NOT doing anything wrong)- how could this have possibly happened? I decided that even tho I was doing everything I knew to meet my H’s needs, b/c of his age and his own doubts about himself as an aging male, his abandonment issues from his childhood (dad died at 12 – H went off to boarding school immediately after) coupled with the circumstances of our marriage (H had to accept a career move out of state for 12 months during wh/ time I had to stay behind while he lived in an apartment) – H had been very vulnerable and susceptible to this woman’s attention. He was so attached to this gal that he could not even see what was occurring. He even told me at one point: “I am her knight in shining armor.” I thought – well now we see. I am the competent wife and mother holding everything together . . . and here is Miss Helpless looking up at H w/ doe-eyes. I intercepted an email b/n the two of them where she told my H how in awe she was of some accomplishment and she finished it with “You are THE MAN!!!” At some point, I let go of “how could this happen” and “what else could I have done to meet his needs?” to “what is he doing to meet my needs?” This is only the beginning of a disentangling process that took nearly two years, and included a job change. During this time, I came back to your materials many times, re-read, re-considered what it was going to take to make me feel whole and centered while my H went through his own struggle. We have new rules in our marriage. H had always been a very outrageous “flirt” in group situations, wh/ we had discussed many times as I found it quite disrespectful. He agreed to monitor himself closely. He has engaged in this behavior twice in three years, both times while drinking. Both times, I made it clear that I was withdrawing my support and his behavior would determine if I wanted to continue a relationship with him. These have not been easy periods. I decided if we are to stay married, I would have to trust him and he would have to be responsible for showing me his commitment to our marriage. I truly enjoy his companionship. When I feel there is something to question, I immediately question it. We are three years past “the end of the affair” and most days I do not think about it. I feel it did change me perhaps more than it changed my H. I had my H on a pedestal, absolutely adored the man and felt we had such a strong union – nothing could interfere with that solidarity. I was blessed that one of my closest friends is a therapist. Although she specializes in adolescent behavioral health, without her continued support, I do not think I could have moved forward and switched my focus to MY life, my pursuits, my future. I had to remove myself from the “drama” of my H’s situation. This was key to my staying sane. I have teetered on depression for five years now. I genuinely LIKE my H. If I had not liked him, as well as loved him, I do not think I would have continued this marriage. I worked at staying focused on all the things I liked about him throughout the craziness. I am a professional writer/editor, and writing to my friend helped me sort out my feelings, face my insecurities, deal with my anger. I would highly recommend that anyone going through a similar situation keep a journal . . . as writing does help sort through things. The most valuable thing I have learned through all this is – essentially – no matter how much you love another person – you are responsible for yourself and you do not have control over everything that is going to happen in your life. There is no room for martyrdom or victimization. You have to decide what it means to be a survivor – and that may mean ending a relationship or it may mean stepping back and allowing the other person the time to decide what he/she wants in his/her life – and then you act on that information. Either you stay or you leave. Either way, you must have the conviction that this was a decision you made for yourself, based on the life you want for yourself. It cannot be a “default” position or you will forever be stuck in a victim role.

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