After the discovery and resolution of infidelity, stands the task of healing the marriage.

No easy task.

If interested, I offer an e-book: Marriage Makeover.

My readers might also help you understand the implement the healing process. Here are some responses:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

A. Talked, Talked, no details, a promise to trust 110%. 2- No Lies, Always Truth no matter what pain you cause you’re partner. 3- Earn the trust back, at all costs, talk more when you feel insecure, hold each other every day, re-new the Love that brought you together, hold hands when you fall asleep !

B. Firstly, forget the affair. Secondly, and think about each other Overtime, when the anger has left, you will decide if you still want to pursue the marriage.

C. remained calm did not accuse planned every conversation (telephone call) to be positive, kind, keeping the communication going eventually she began to realize that all those terrible things she had convinced herself about me were not the true picture

D. 1) Be honest with what we feel in the moment 2) Acknowledge that what we are dealing with is in the past but needs to be dealt with now 3) Be free to feel be vulnerable again

E. Kept in touch every day, even a quick phone call from the office to say “how are you”? helps to make you feel more loved and secure We made a decision to try to forget past “memories” because lots of them had reminders of the affair, and make new memories for us as a couple.It was very difficult as 30 years of memories (good and bad) are hard to put aside.

When does the pain and agony of infidelity and extramarital affairs begin to turn around? When does recovery and healing the marriage after infidelity begin?

I posed this question to my readers. Here are some responses:

The turning point in my recovery was after 2 years when a personal tragedy struck our family and my husband was supportive and wonderful and I could truly trust that he had made a mistake (we all do) and that he was a good person and worth the chance to forgive and go on with our lives.

Turning point was that once I recovered from the shock I was able to sever the relationship as for me there was no respect left. Your materials provided some insight into infidelity issues and even though there are many reasons for infidelity men and women must realize that wanting to ‘have your cake and eating it too’ will inevitably cause some serious digestive problems!!!

The initial turning point for me was finding your book. I felt so lost and so alone. My mind raced constantly searching for answers. I just wanted to stop thinking…that’s it I wanted my mind to rest. It didn’t until I found your book. I feared that my feelings were not justified. The feeling of loss, the loss of the life that I once knew. The checking up on him so many, many things. I first found your book roughly 3 years ago. I kept my husbands affair to myself. I had no one that I wanted to share it with as I felt shame. Shame in the fact that I decided to stay with my husband. The book and your newsletter were a sense of relief for me and confirmation of my feelings that others before me had felt. I didn’t feel as alone anymore. I could consult, confidentially it lessened my pain so I could begin healing.

I usually caution people in accepting blame for the affair of their spouse. Sometimes, I must say to them, “No, you did not make him/her do this. S/he is responsible for his/her decisions and actions.

It’s very easy to believe that you did not do enough, were inadequate in some ways, or, as the person below states, he thought the affair was a result of him not meeting her needs.

He later, after the affair, discovers some of the same old patterns of behavior emerge.

Please read what he says:

I must be honest with you. I really thought that it was because I was not meeting my spouses emotional needs but, I just don not know anymore because some of the things that lead to the affair are now creeping back into our lives. Something is not right because our intimacy is a struggle. Communications is a struggle. It is more like she communicates with me to get what she wants. When I bring up issues that I want or need she often says that is not true or that I do not understand. I have tried to the best of my abilities to deal with this situation and the truth be known I am feeling very much alone and all that has happened is blame upon myself. My spouse does not accept her responsibility in the affair but says it was my fault. You know I do not know if this helps at all but it has really sucked for the past 2 years. As far as tolerating things you know she got off way to easy and as a result she takes advantaged of my good nature. What the hell, do people care anymore or is it just what they can suck out of someone else regardless of how much they hurt you or walk all over you?