This is a question that you should and must ask.
As a matter of fact, it is the question that you should ask before you consider any
kind of an intervention or employing a stragegy.
If you don’t ask this question, your interaction with the cheating spouse will be
perceived as either manipulation, coercion, or extreme neediness. And that’s very
unattractive.
First, ask yourself, “Do I truly want to be married to him or her?”
Most people say, “Sure, I want to.” But hold on, not so fast.
Let’s look at some of the underlying issues that this question may bring up for you,
that will stimulate your thinking, and help begin looking at vital issues in terms
of managing you and the affair.
Let me pose these questions.
Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her, or are the feelings of hurt
and pain so intense that you just want them to go away?
Do you really want to be married to him or her? Do you really, truly want to save
the marriage, or do you long for how it used to be? Is that more important to you?
Do you long for the memories that you have, and hope that those can be somehow
restored?
Do you truly want to save the marriage; do you truly want to be married to him or
her? Or do you feel like a failure, and are embarrassed, and by saving the marriage
or being with him or her, you hope to reclaim your lost ego and pride?
Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you miss the old roles? Now the
marriage is in chaos; there’s confusion. Do you miss the stability and the old roles
that seemed to fit very well?
Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you want vindication against
the other person? Do you feel like you’re competing, and must be married so you can
prove to the other person that you’re better than he or she?
And do you truly want to be married, or do you hope that this will just get over so
that you can end the pain that you feel?
You must examine look the underlying issues.
Then you will be ready to effectively, and with power, confront yourself and
confront the relationship and work toward healing and reconciliation if that’s
truly what you want.
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
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This entry was posted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Monday, June 14th, 2010 at 8:00 am and is filed under Infidelity Q&A. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 7th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
We have a lot of work to do on our relationship. He said he had given up on us, even though we still resided together and daily life stayed the same.. not nice, but the same..
Then he introduced a woman to my children as his friend, and my son, not even his said to me he kissed her like he kisses me.. very important the tense I used there is the tense my son used to make that statement to me.
Do I want to be married to him? I do not know. I know I didn’t want to be married to him before this situation reared its ugly head.
I am honestly looking at it this way though:
If I have to learn a new way to live my life, redefine who I am, and redefine my relationship with him I now have an opportunity to do this WITH HIM to improve our relationship and strengthen our family unit, and teach our children many values.
Yes, I am a little fearful of teaching them its ok to be cheated on, but there is a lot to be said for dedication, growth, finding and accepting help when needed (I am on antidepressants and in counseling since this occurred to ease my apparently common actions of outbursts that are not helpful to the reconciliation and to deal with the breakdown of our relationship that stem from my actions or inactions due to my own issues that are long overdue to be healed anyway)and the strength of love through a great storm.
Will let you know how it is going. Thank you for the support and information you share!!