When I pose that question in light of the fact that both people are aware of the
affair and the affair is continuing.
It seems a dilemma especially for the wounded spouse: “Should I continue to have sex
with my partner that I know or suspect deeply is still involved with another
person?”
A person asks this question, because usually there is a very high level of sexual
intensity between husband and wife.
The affair stirs up sexual intensity and sexual feelings. Often both have a strong
desire to engage in sex, and some people say that sex is better now than it’s ever
been.
This is especially true for particular types of affairs such as the
I-want-to-be-close-to-someone-but-can’t-stand-intimacy affair in which all the pent
up feelings are let loose and the result is more passion.
It’s also true, I believe, for I-fell-out-of-love-and-just-love-being-in-love
affair. Again, there is a strong sexual passion that seems to be released.
In the affair, I-want-to-get-back-at-him-or-her, there is a release from some of the
resentment, and the affair seems to bring a heightened sexual tension between
husband and wife.
If you enjoy sex, it’s mutual and you’re having a great time, then there’s nothing
wrong with sexual activity.
However, if you are the wounded spouse and you seek out sex from your partner who is
reluctant, and you need or seemingly need sex for affirmation but your spouse who is
having the affair is rather reluctant, then it is often best to back off.
Be aware of your own needs system at that level rather than trying to pursue your
cheating spouse by asking for sex or asking for that affirmation regularly.
There’s another kind of affair, I-need-to-prove-my-desire-or-ability, in which is
often inadvisable to engage in sex. Sex in that case is often tied to a history of
sexual abuse and sexual manipulation.
The cheating spouse is at some level trying to confront this history, so sex becomes
very problematic.
Thirdly, if you feel like your integrity is being violated and if it seems your
cheating spouse wants it out of a sense of hostility, manipulation or control, which
sometimes are typical in I-can’t-say-no or I-don’t-want-to-say-no types of affairs,
then set some boundaries. Be able to say no, and don’t allow your integrity to be
compromised.
Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=should+we+have+sex%3F
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
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This entry was posted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Monday, March 29th, 2010 at 8:00 am and is filed under Infidelity Q&A. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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