Comments on: What If S/he Continues Seeing OP?

By: mahalia

mahalia — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 02:06:32 +0000

Ugh. I’m in the same situation as misztee and cac. He’s having a three-year affair with someone he works with. Lots of lies and evasions, and when cornered he first accuses me of trying to control his friendships; when pressed further, says the affair is all my fault because I don’t meet his needs. However, he still wants to stay married! It’s very strange. At one point I told him quite calmly that since he’d been seeing her for three years now and she ‘meets his needs,’ perhaps he should also make a commitment and move in with her. I said it seemed like the logical and sensible thing to do. He looked at me like I was insane and sputtered a bunch of nonsense. Which brings me to my next point…I *love* what I’m learning about Dr. Huizenga’s ‘charge neutral’ approach. One of the worst things about an affair is that you feel so out of control and disempowered–it’s really refreshing and sort of fun to take some of that power back and realize you can sort of steer your own course after all. I actually don’t envy him and his affair-partner–it’s not a good way to live. BTW, good for you, Ed.

By: cac

cac — Tue, 18 May 2010 21:19:50 +0000

I am in the same boat as misztee. I deal with the lies, the hiding of the cell phone messages, the e-mails. I wish I had the strength to give him an ultimatium but I am afraid of destrying my family of which he is doing a very good job of that right now. We have been married for 18 years and this affair has been going on for the last 3 years. It is the typically co-worker “just friends” senario. I am depressed and on the affair diet which I’ve lost about 15 lbs in the last month. The whole thing sucks and I would never wish this on anyone.

By: misztee

misztee — Sat, 15 May 2010 13:33:12 +0000

I wish I had our strength. I was blown away when I found this all out and he denied it 1000 times or more. He lies like there is no tomorrow and startegizes very well his lies. Everytime I find more proof it’s always 4-6 months after the fact and then he swears it’s over and is very loving and attentive to me. So, why would I think he’s lying. Well, I’ve been doing this for 2 1/2 years now and I’m exhausted. Everything seems great day to day, but some things never add up….day to day. Again, though I never find anything out till months after the “fact” I am addressing on that day. I feel like I’m talking in circles, but that’s my life…a merry go round of circles. We have been married twelve years. I am 37, he is 40 and she is barely 22 and there is nothing attractive about her. I think it all started when she was 18, which makes me sick everytime I think about it. When will I get the courage to say, I’m done???? Everytime I want to, I think, well, maybe he is telling the truth this time and I don’t want to throw away what could be a fantastic marriage.

By: Ed

Ed — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 06:34:01 +0000

Hello Dr. I am not ambivalent at all. I have told her if she contacts him again i will divorce her. I simply will not tolerate it. I encouraged her to seek professional help if she’s hurting–and I think she is but she won’t admit to me how deeply involved she became. She has admitted this to her friends. I know because when I found out I cyber-stalked her for a moonth. It actually kicked my a**. I was totally wiped out, exhausted. I no longer want to waste that much energy on something so pointless. If she decides to go there again, thre’sreally nothing I can do to stop her. She knows my position on the matter so it would be a conscious decision. ill be her decision and the end of our marriage will be the result. I can handle that.