Coping with abuse and blame is often evident in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It ” type of affair, although it tends to be fairly subdued. Abuse and blame is often more pronounced in the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her affair, if the resentment borders on rage.
It is important in those types of affairs to learn how to deal effectively with the blame criticism and possible physical abuse.
Here are some case studies:
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
Blames me for staying with him, not leaving when I’ve had the chances, maybe I seek out abusive relationships, I’m the only one that has a problem with his “need” and when he lies and I discover it, he says I snoop, distrustful, play detective when in reality its my intuition telling me and I’ve done nothing to snoop around. In the past I was too needy, clingy, too emotional or I don’t meet all his needs so he needs to have them met by outside encounters.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
No longer take any blame and do this by flat out, in a calm manner, tell him that I am not perfect but I am not to blame for……. and add what ever it is he is blaming me for. I also give him his space, don’t nag, don’t beg or plead with him.
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
disrespect – by not listening to me and treating me as just a ‘wife’, not a person treats my vocal ability as ‘nagging’. – conducting his affair in our home, on our bed with family pictures around. – having sex with another woman wearing his wedding ring, forgetting what that ring signifies. – talking on the phone to me pretending everything was normal after having sex with another woman in her presence. – not considering for one moment what it really meant for me, our children, our families and friends by having an affair. blame – he blamed me for putting him in a situation that caused an affair to take place. – He blamed me for abandoning him when I chose to live apart temporarily due to work commitments.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
being strong enough to stand up and let him know I will not tolerate any nonsense from him – making him aware I am prepared to call it quits – being strong and assertive -
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
Yelling and crusing at me in front of people when he gets upset.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
Taking a step back and saying “I know you aren’t talking to me that way” or just not fighting back and showing that he is the one acting like a fool and I’m the one that should walk away from this type of verbal abuse.
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
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This entry was posted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Monday, June 8th, 2009 at 9:26 am and is filed under Infidelity and Tolerations. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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