Some believe that once a cheat, always a cheat.

Well, for one kind of affair (“I Don’t Want to Say No“) this is largely true. There is a deeply ingrained long-standing pattern that belies a sense of entitlement and the personal need to exercise power and manipulation over others.

This type of affair is typified in the scenario below as the wounded spouse confronts the other woman (note: texting another man behind the back of another and her response to the confrontation.)

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband had been having a type of “emotional affair.” It was a case of “Just friends” with a work colleague, but at some point she went on vacation with her boyfriend. While in a different country, she emailed “I love you” messages to my husband, behind her boyfriends back. My husband wrote an over the top affectionate email to her, so he could tell her that the friendship had gone too far. When he spoke to her by phone when she got back, he told her that things had gone too far and things should resume to work friendliness only. She ignored him and called relentlessly, about 40 times in 2 weeks. He called casually twice. This whole “affair” thing came to light when he forgot to sign off on his computer and I saw her “ILY” emails right on the screen. He was “caught.” I was in such shock and pain, I asked husband to call here and tell her whatever it was, was over between them. He refused, left the house to call her and tell her it was over. In my immediate shock, I called her at work to simply tell her I knew about her and the emails she’d sent.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I called her office, she answered the phone and I told her who I was. There was a period of dead silence. I think she was very surprised, and couldn’t talk at first. Then, she said in a very obnoxious tone, “I don’t know you, I’ve never met you.” I said “No, but you know my husband, John Smith (fake name). She then said my marriage problems were between me and my husband. She said a few mean things, and then hung up on me. All I said was that I knew she’d been emailing my husband. She came up with the rest of it.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t know that I learned anything, except perhaps that this woman was extremely cold, and sounded selfish. There was something ugly in the way that she could react with such spitefulness toward someone she knew would obviously be quite hurt and shocked. Even though emotions were going crazy inside me, when I spoke to her, only the sentences I wrote above, I said them calmly to her. I simply let her know I knew about her and I also said there was impropriety if nothing else, in her dealings with my husband. I did nothing undignified, and I’m ok with that. In retrospect, if I had it to do over I probably would not have called. Why even let them get the satisfaction of knowing they impacted you in any way. Postscript: Knowing how destructive and hurtful affairs are, personally, if I was single, I could never be involved with a married man. It just would not ever be right. There is always the woman who is in the background, the wife, and I just could not ever do that to someone else. Never did when I was single, never will. The idea of hurting someone else just isn’t something I could do.

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This entry was posted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Wednesday, May 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am and is filed under confronting the other person. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

This entry has been tagged with the following keywords: cheating, cheater, confronting the other woman, confronting the other person, type of affair, kind of affair, affair in marriage, marital infidelity, coping with infidelity.