If your spouse is having an affair and you want to confront the other person with the intent of having him/her understand your situation, you probably will be greatly dissappointed. The other person typically doesn’t care about you or your children, your pain or your situation.
Also, it is important to give thought to what outcome you want from the confrontation. Those who impulsively confront the other person do not find the confrontation fruitful.
A hint: when confronting the other person, do not ask questions. Make statements.
Here are examples of those who did not consider the above facts and found the confrontation less than helpful:
Confrontation #1:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
My purpose was to get the other person to see me as a person too, someone she was hurting. I also wanted her to know that I knew what was going on. I responded to text messages she sent my significant other asking her politely to leave us alone.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She ignored my request, nothing happened.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I probably would not have even sent the text messages, she didn’t care. I learned that the other person is immature and self absorbed.
Confrontation #2:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
getting some clarity to the situation – i found them the night before, she was my friend and i wanted answers as to why a friend would do this to me and hear her side of the story
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
she wouldn’t talk to me, was very cocky and sure of herself and said she would talk to me that evening but not at that moment and please leave. as i was shaking coz i was so upset i did leave. an hour later she text me and said she wasn’t about to get into a battle with me, there was nothing to say, it was all my fault and don’t contact her ever again.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
if i was to do it again i would have refused to leave until i got answers or at least made her squirm a bit. i was far too respectful of her wishes and not enough about my own. however long term i dont think its helpful in any way to interact with that person seeing as they obviously have no thought about you — if i a friend is going to do that to you then they aren’t worth talking to are they
Confrontation #3:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do
I wanted to let her know how badly their affair was hurting me and that I took care of his mom.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She was nice and said she would stop seeing him, they didn’t stop though.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I’ve done it numerous times, when I reach the end of my rope. I hear about them from friends and get so raged I call her. I would not do it differently
Related posts:
- Questions for Confronting the Other Person Consider important questions before you confront the other person. These...
- How Does the Confrontation of the OP Serve Me When confronting the other woman or confronting the other man...
- Confronting the Other Woman: Take Off Blinders Confronting the other woman or other man about the infidelity...
- Confronting the Other Person: Check Alliances First Confronting the other woman man work if the cheating spouse...
- Confronting the Other Person is Not Confronting an Adult Confronting the other person, whether it's confronting the other man...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
 |
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you and |
This entry was posted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Tuesday, April 21st, 2009 at 10:58 am and is filed under Confronting the Other Person. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
This entry has been tagged with the following 
keywords:
None.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:25 pm
She was definat and told me this sort of affiars just happen and sometimes go on for five to ten years. Since my husband is not leaving me, why I should bother and then she left. Second time I tried to talk to her she told me she will call police if I bothered her. After two weeks she send me a half a cake!! she bought a big one and since she ddn’t like to waste the food it she decided to share it with his affair partner’s wife!! I’m still mad at her attitude… She even offered to babysit my kid a few times in past if my husband and me want some time alone. All this while the affair was already in full swing and she knew that I knew all about it….
I’m still in love with my husband. He is a good father and used to be caring before she entered our life. We had to live spearately for more than two years because he was studying abroad and then because of visa problems…. She got the benefit of proximity since she was studying in the same university.
Even when I joined my husband for some months last year she would call him up for some favour as shopping or something. Then she started to call him at night or chat with him on net in the night and tell her sob stories. My husband would spent half an hour or more consioling her online and often ended up going to her place telling me that she was very depressed and he was going just to give her support because she was all alone….
I objected off course when the frequency started to increase and she started to latch onto him more and more …
Both of them simply told me that they know it would not last forever ( it started some two years back and last year their emotional tie turned sexual too) and so I should rather adjust and wait….
My husband told me that when he told her that he might have to stop because of me she just told us to move back to our home conutry if he wanted to stop…
I feel so stupid for not handling the situatioon in the start – probably the very first time I noticed something was going on…
But my husband was going though some health prblems and I had just joined him after a gap I didn’t want to rush… I know I ‘m an idiot but I just can’t dump him… too much is at stake. If I separate I want to go back to my home town… that mean another country that makes child custody problems.
My husband tells me I’ m being selfish for trying to take my kid with me and depriving him from his father. And that I’m being a child wanting to move back near my parents and relatives in case of separation. He doesn’t understand that I came to this country solely because of him. I am not that charmed by the place. The only thing I have here are memories of betrayal. I landed in the country and within a month my life turned into a night mare which just kept going bad to worse…
I am bing told that I will get better paid job here and better life style- I will not get any mental peace and my kid will see only broken family add to a foreign atmosphere- but that doesn’t seem important to him.
He says there are so many broken families here and they get along. that he will keep visiting us daily and provide assistant to us when needed that way he will fullfill his fatherly responsibilites. He says he wants to have a say in his kids life. And that I won’t be able to raise him on my own…
In the mean while I lost contorle ove my emotions recently and we are having horrible fights. Now he say I have no manner and sence of feminity and that’s why I should give him a break and let him do what he wants besides his marriage.
I am a mess…
April 21st, 2009 at 3:53 pm
She was definat and told me this sort of affiars just happen and sometimes go on for five to ten years. Since my husband was not leaving me, why I should bother and then she left. Second time I tried to talk to her she told me she would call police if I bothered her. After two weeks of that incident she send me a half a cake!! she bought a big one and since she ddn’t like to waste the food it she decided to share it with his affair partner’s wife!!
I’m still mad at her attitude… She even offered to babysit my kid a few times in past in case my husband and me wanted some time alone. All this while the affair was already in full swing and she knew that I knew all about it….
I’m still in love with my husband. He is a good father and used to be caring before she entered our life. We had to live spearately for more than two years because he was studying abroad and then because of my visa problems…. She got the benefit of proximity since she was studying in the same university.
Even when I joined my husband for some months last year she would call him up for some favour as shopping or something. Then she started to call him at night or chat with him on net in the night and tell her sob stories. My husband would spent half an hour or more consoling her online and often ended up going to her place telling me that she was very depressed and he was going just to give her support because she was all alone….
I objected off course when the frequency started to increase and she started to latch onto him more and more … Then I discovered a snap of them in a kiss. He said it was just ajoke and that nothing was going on and I shouldn’t be worried. Within two months of saying that their relationship turned sexual- typically in the frustration that my visa was rejected!!
When I was finally able to join my husband I was simply told that they know it would not last forever ( it started some two years back and last year their emotional tie turned sexual too) and so I should rather adjust and wait….
My husband told me that when he told her that he might have to stop because of me she just told us to move back to our home conutry if he wanted to stop…
I feel so stupid for not handling the situatioon in the start – probably the very first time I noticed something was going on…
But my husband was going though some health prblems and I had just joined him after a gap I didn’t want to rush… I know I ‘m an idiot but I just can’t dump him… too much is at stake. If I separate I want to go back to my home town… that mean another country that makes child custody problems.
My husband tells me I’ m being selfish for trying to take my kid with me and depriving him from his father. And that I’m being a child wanting to move back near my parents and relatives in case of separation. He doesn’t understand that I came to this country solely because of him. I am not that charmed by the place. The only thing I have here are memories of betrayal. I landed in the country and within a month my life turned into a night mare which just kept going bad to worse…
I am bing told that I will get better paid job here and better life style- I will not get any mental peace and my kid will see only broken family add to a foreign atmosphere- but that doesn’t seem important to him.
He says there are so many broken families here and they get along. that he will keep visiting us daily and provide assistant to us when needed that way he will fullfill his fatherly responsibilites. He says he wants to have a say in his kids life. And that I won’t be able to raise him on my own…
In the mean while I lost contorle ove my emotions recently and we are having horrible fights. Now he say I have no manner and sence of feminity and that’s why I should give him a break and let him do what he wants besides his marriage.
I am a mess…