The discovery of infidelity often sends the wounded spouse into a tailspin thinking and believing s/he is a victim. And, beyond that, s/he often has a fantasy life of them having this perfect, hot, wonderfully romantic relationship. This exacerbates the victim beliefs.

Carrying these beliefs leads to what some people call depression. The fantasies grind and exist as an obsession about him/her and the other person. No release exists for the thoughts. They are internalized and demand energy.

The person below found that confronting the other woman lifted her “depression.” The confrontation served two purposes: 1. It externalized the energy; she felt emotional relief – the depression lifted. 2. The fantasies about the other person are derailed. Often putting a voice or picture to the person injects some reality and the obsessions of perfection and power cool.

Here is what she says:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I confronted the OP because my obsession with her was really out of control. When I spoke to her, I released a lot of negative feelings which were weighing me down to be honest.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The outcome of the phone call I made, was that once I had spoken to her, and released a lot of negative feelings, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the obsession ceased, and I have never felt the desire to speak to her again. While I was advised by many not to make the phone call, I am glad I did. It was a turning point for me, I could let go of the unhealthy obsession I had with her. That is not to say, that I don’t still have thoughts about her at all.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t think I would do it differently, the call I made served a purpose for me, and I was able to channel my thoughts away from her, and back to where it should be, at my marriage. I do not feel that I empowered her, although I realise some may argue this point.

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This entry was posted by Dr. Bob Huizenga on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 9:32 am and is filed under Confronting the Other Person. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

This entry has been tagged with the following keywords: overcoming depression of infidelity, victim role infidelity, infidelity and depression, confronting the other perosn, coping with infidelity, marital infidelity, effects of infidelity, marriage infidelity, extramarital affairs, surviving infidelity, emotional infidelity, emotional affair.