By: jmw

jmw — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 14:42:08 +0000

Because of various things that have happened and some evidence to the effect, I suspected that my husband has had at least an emotional affair with someone for several years now. When I asked him about it (and I did ask more than once), and actually named the person, he refused to answer about his involvement with the person and either stonewalled me or changed the subject. My gut instinct is that he is emotionally involved, or was, anyway. Of course, I know that we have other problems in our marriage, but I always felt that if he would meet me half-way, we could work the out. Unfortunately, he has steadfastly refused to have anything to do with meeting me at all to communicate his issues. Several months ago though, he just walked out- no fight or emotional event precipitated this, he just said that he was leaving, and now lives with his parents. Unfortunately for me, we have a house on the edge of his parents’ property. This makes it difficult for me because he now has a safe warm haven to hang out in, he can come and go as he pleases, and he can use our home as he pleases also- that is continue to have free access and keep all his stuff there, too! What a set up- talk about having your cake and eating it, too! His parents just allow this- they are his parents, after all. I had one talk with his mother, and basically my impression is that she will be there to support him- well, I guess what else can a mother do. However, if he was my kid, I’d kick him out, and send him home to work it out either to a divorce, or reconcilliation without my involvement. He has still not done anything aggressive about our joint checking account so I get this feeling that at the moment, he is willing to let it continue this way. However, that still puts him in charge of the situation. Although I continued to reach out to him to get back together, he refused to engage in any meaningful conversation. Now, since he has essentially abandoned our marriage, and I see no sign of reconcilliation possible, I have taken action to move to divorce. For the sake of his family, who I dearly love, I have asked him to work on what is called a “collaborative divorce”. I love this man, but at this point, I see no reason to keep beating my head against the wall. Here is someone who refuses to talk, who, I think, wants to end the marriage, but who, I believe, is unwilling to take the responsibility to end it. I cried almost everyday for 2 years as I watched our marriage fall apart. All my efforts to save the marriage were wasted. I think that I was probably taking responsibility for the marriage for years now, and this is the problem- he didn’t. I still have tears now and then, but realize that I am forming a new life even as this drama is going on. Although I am nervous about the future and what it holds for me, I see possibilities for a more meaningful and full life for me- just not quite what I envisioned years ago. By the way, we have been married for 34 years.

Comments on: Infidelity and Charging Neutral: Your Emotional Energy

By: jmw