This continues the series on “Confronting the Other Person.” Note the responses to the questions and my comments below.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I called the OP for the reaction and to give the OP the information that not only are they hurting their spouses but the entire family with small children. The OP said she wasn’t aware of any children.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
During the conversation the OP denied, of course. They suggested we all three sit down for a conversation or a three-way phone call. I firmly stated that was not necessary or relevant at this point. The affair stopped shortly thereafter.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Yes, it was not the smartest move to confront the OP. My thoughts at the time were nothing ventured, nothing gained…but ultimately I stooped to a level I should not have. Basically, since I was not the party making the selfish mistakes I should have rose above their low moral standards. My path would definitely be take the high road and not to stoop to lower standards. It is not worth it in the end.
Coach’s Comment: It is common to appeal to the decency and sensitivity of the other person. Usually this is attempted by someone who holds to the values of decency and sensitivity to others. However, someone involved in an affair may not share those values or that sense of decency.
For example, be prepared for your appeal to backfire and accusations slung at you if your spouse is involved in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair. This seems rather obvious since your spouse is claiming that he is involved with another person because of the paucity of love in the marriage. You spouse and the other person most likely have talked about you in rather unflattering terms. You express to the other person, “Don’t you care about the children?” s/he (they) will respond attacking YOU for your perceived inadequacies as a spouse and
Appealing to decency may work best in affair #7: “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy,” affair #6 “I Need to Prove My Desirability” and affair #3: I Don’t Want to Say No.” In these affairs, you stand the chance of the other person holding to some values of decency. But… I wouldn’t give it a better than 50-50 chance.
Confronting the other person means giving energy to the triangle (you, your spouse and the other person.) This holds the chance of energizing their relationship. Stating your concerns and values - your position - clearly and using charging neutral, and then withdrawing offers possibly the best strategy for success. Again, the type of affair often dictates the intervention.
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
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September 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 am
Coach’s comments are right on target. My husband was having an affair with a very dear friend of mine. I think it was a combination of several different types of affairs. I can’t pigeonhole it into one type. He has symptoms of My Marriage Made Me, Revenge and Can’t Say No. Trying to appeal to her decency where the children are concerned didn’t even phase her. I was met time and again with denial from both of them, and then rage from both of them directed at me. I was physically attacked by her in my own business and my husband joined in the fray and tried to kick ME out of here. She even went so far as to trash the place and he didn’t even bat an eye at her. Trying to confront her put me on her level. She is low and doesn’t even realize how low she is. It boosted her confidence in her relationship with my husband when he became physical with me. Needless to say, it took quite some time for me to recover from that episode. The worst part of the whole thing was that my daughter witnessed the abuse from both of them.