Comments on: Playing the “Game” to Win Him/Her Back? http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/ to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:35:10 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: deb http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/#comment-23446 deb Sun, 24 Aug 2008 16:59:43 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/#comment-23446 I found him kissing her in the neighborhood park. We had been married 33 years. He had been sneaking out and sending me out of town so he could see her for a couple of months. I realized that he has always been a sucker for female flattery. Now (2 years later) I know its his insecurities that made him seek that flattery. I now know (most days) that his problems are his and that they were something that I could never give enough to solve. Sure I made mistakes too but I have learned that I was not able to give him enough to make up for this flaw in him. No one could have given enough.Somehow he had to see that I would keep giving and giving to prove I loved him. He left her immediatly, she did not mean anything to him just fed his ego. I have to wonder if that is not usually the case. We are working on things but I am now begining to wonder if I needed him back from my own neediness? We have both lost in this situation, I am sure she did too I found him kissing her in the neighborhood park. We had been married 33 years. He had been sneaking out and sending me out of town so he could see her for a couple of months.
I realized that he has always been a sucker for female flattery. Now (2 years later) I know its his insecurities that made him seek that flattery. I now know (most days) that his problems are his and that they were something that I could never give enough to solve. Sure I made mistakes too but I have learned that I was not able to give him enough to make up for this flaw in him. No one could have given enough.Somehow he had to see that I would keep giving and giving to prove I loved him.
He left her immediatly, she did not mean anything to him just fed his ego. I have to wonder if that is not usually the case.
We are working on things but I am now begining to wonder if I needed him back from my own neediness?
We have both lost in this situation, I am sure she did too

]]> By: marlene http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/#comment-16761 marlene Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:25:24 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/#comment-16761 a couple of thoughts - it has now been 2 years since I discovered my h's affair and almost 18 months since he once and for all ended all contact with the OW. I really did want him "back" and he said that he wanted our marriage to continue - he never actually "left" and never said he wanted to but rather tried to maintain two relationships. That didn't fly with me so taking good care of myself and improving had several aspects for me. He had to make a choice and if he chose me he would be choosing the stronger of the two womem (she got all helpless and clingy to him once the affair was revealed; as my therpist kept saying, helplessness can be appealing for awhile but then gets tiresome and people are usually drawn to strength); if he chose me, he would be getting a better marriage (because as Dr. Bob said, of course I had made mistakes too and was willing to work on changing) If he chose her, by taking care of myself I would be in better condition to deal with that huge life-change. I completely believe all of Dr. Bob's analyses of these situations but it's hard to deny that there is an aspect of "competition" in many of them. He was out to soothe his ego among other things but she was definitely out to "win" him. Believe me, I was certainly not prepared to compete for my husband after 35 years of marriage and am still angry at times that he put me in that position. But in taking care of me, I had to figure out what I really wanted - for me. I really wanted to keep my marriage and to go forward in my life with him, without the presence of a third person. That was my goal but I also knew that I didn't have complete control over every aspect of this - and the best way to gird yourself up for dealing with things over which you have no control is to be in the best possible shape mentally and physically that you can be. a couple of thoughts - it has now been 2 years since I discovered my h’s affair and almost 18 months since he once and for all ended all contact with the OW. I really did want him “back” and he said that he wanted our marriage to continue - he never actually “left” and never said he wanted to but rather tried to maintain two relationships. That didn’t fly with me so taking good care of myself and improving had several aspects for me. He had to make a choice and if he chose me he would be choosing the stronger of the two womem (she got all helpless and clingy to him once the affair was revealed; as my therpist kept saying, helplessness can be appealing for awhile but then gets tiresome and people are usually drawn to strength); if he chose me, he would be getting a better marriage (because as Dr. Bob said, of course I had made mistakes too and was willing to work on changing) If he chose her, by taking care of myself I would be in better condition to deal with that huge life-change.
I completely believe all of Dr. Bob’s analyses of these situations but it’s hard to deny that there is an aspect of “competition” in many of them. He was out to soothe his ego among other things but she was definitely out to “win” him. Believe me, I was certainly not prepared to compete for my husband after 35 years of marriage and am still angry at times that he put me in that position. But in taking care of me, I had to figure out what I really wanted - for me. I really wanted to keep my marriage and to go forward in my life with him, without the presence of a third person. That was my goal but I also knew that I didn’t have complete control over every aspect of this - and the best way to gird yourself up for dealing with things over which you have no control is to be in the best possible shape mentally and physically that you can be.

]]> By: Terri http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/#comment-16731 Terri Wed, 20 Feb 2008 04:55:07 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/02/18/playing-the-game-to-win-himher-back/#comment-16731 Yes, why wouldn't the thought that improving yourself would be a way to win him back show up? Me, I credit it to having become preoccupied with this situation. This pain become the primary point of reference for every other thought I had. The idea that taking care of myself for myself became obscured by that ever present thought of changing HIM. I'll even admit to thinking of self improvement as a way to become so fulfilled and radiantly serene that he grovels in his own regret! Along with that thought comes some rebellious ice cream eating "why bother, looking good didnt stop him from doing this in the first place" I still have these thoughts and I take note of them. But I dont let them direct me anymore. In reality, taking care of myself is a good thing, even if he never changes. I'll be better for it either way. I find that in taking care of myself, the focus gradually changes back to me and what's good for me. My thinking changes, like a fog lifting. I think of it as taking back the space in my head that the hurt preoccupied and replacing it with a better me. It just doesnt happen overnight. Yes, why wouldn’t the thought that improving yourself would be a way to win him back show up? Me, I credit it to having become preoccupied with this situation. This pain become the primary point of reference for every other thought I had. The idea that taking care of myself for myself became obscured by that ever present thought of changing HIM. I’ll even admit to thinking of self improvement as a way to become so fulfilled and radiantly serene that he grovels in his own regret! Along with that thought comes some rebellious ice cream eating “why bother, looking good didnt stop him from doing this in the first place”

I still have these thoughts and I take note of them. But I dont let them direct me anymore.

In reality, taking care of myself is a good thing, even if he never changes. I’ll be better for it either way. I find that in taking care of myself, the focus gradually changes back to me and what’s good for me. My thinking changes, like a fog lifting. I think of it as taking back the space in my head that the hurt preoccupied and replacing it with a better me. It just doesnt happen overnight.

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