Comments on: After an Affair, Can You Trust Again?

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:43:01 +0000

I caught my girlfriend with another man a man that was suppose to be my friend and afterwards I went to leave but but promised it wouldn’t happen again and seemed truly sorry but she is still friends with him and because of that I’m having severe panic attacks I can’t eat and I’m trying to figure out how to trust again it’s very hard I need help with this

By: Hopeless

Hopeless — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 02:44:04 +0000

My boyfriend cheated on me with a disgusting older woman. I have no idea why, she really was nothing to look at. She was not a nice person either, a friend of mine used to work with her. It is in the past for him but not for me. I can not get past it…also doesn;t help that I catch him talking to other women on his phone or fbook time and time again. He hides his phone. I installed keylogger to spy on him which is how I busted him most reciently. I feel obsessed with catching him. I can’t move past it to trust him. He says he loves me but I don’t see how you can love someone and constantly lie like he does. He says he is going to work…I assume he is meething someone. He says he is going to his brothers, I assume he is meeting someone. He says he is going to the gas station, I assume. He is in the bathroom too long, I asume he is looking at some woman and doing his thing. We have a baby and I don’t want to take him from his daddy. I often think to myself ‘If only he could just move out and we could be best friends, then I wouldn’t be crazy on his ass all the time. I feel crazy. PS he has a bad temper too.

By: maureen

maureen — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 02:18:04 +0000

I am lost. I don’t know what to do. Been with hubby for over 10 years now. He is younger than me and had an affair for approx 3-4 months. He was also txt other women through blackberry sites by picking numbers. I found out by recording him one day. I am totally torn apart. He thinks I should be over it by now , grand total of 5 months today. No I still feel bad and I love him. I wish I could trust him but I can’t. I don’t know what will happen but I hope it will pass.

By: Noel

Noel — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 20:18:37 +0000

Hi All,
Unfortunately, I have a story too. I’ve been together with my wife for 18 years (5 married) and we are only 36. Half my life. She wad my dreamgirl in highschool and didn’t connect until a few years after graduation. We now have two wonderful kids. Long story short….things didn’t seem right with a guy she IMs at work. I confronted her and she denied it. I felt horrible that i did that because I am never a jealous person. I opened up completely to her and told her she was my best friend, soulmate and how other couple use us as a benchmark when looking at their relationships. After all that I find out 2weeks later there was inappropriate texting and emails. I feel like an idiot. I am completely lost and don’t know what to do.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 17:45:34 +0000

I have read all of the emails on here and feel your pain. My husband of over 2 years knocked me off my feet when I met him…reeled me in hook, line and sinker. In June of the first year I discovered, by accident, on the computer many msn conversations between him and numerous other women. I was shocked, in disbelief, confronted him and knew he was lying, but bought the story of the date being wrong on the computer. 6 months later I discovered, intentionally spying on him on the computer, he’d been seeing his ex girlfriend who he’d dated for 6 months before he met me during our entire relationship. When I confronted him his focus was on how I had invaded his privacy, how I was suspicious, how I could not demand he give her up until he had closure because he’d be resentful. I stayed because of business and friendship for a year, but didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. 2 months ago he all of a sudden wanted to work on our relationship like never before, was full of regret, declared undying love for me and so on….blah blah blah….and then I caught him texting and emailing the ex again. That was IT! I saw a counsellor, he begged me to see a counsellor with him (who told us to go somewhere else and talk after the session and make a decision), and I sought out (on the advice of a Godsend friend) S-Anon (the support group for family members of sexaholics). I attended the first session and after sitting in a room hearing my story from over 10 wives, I bought the Patrick Carnes book “Out of the Shadows” and realized I am not alone. My husband and I are still together. He has attended SA and SLAA and found it wasn’t for him and is seeking help through the Church. I have attended S-Anon now devotedly once each week for 4 months and everytime a new member joins us I can’t believe how much I have changed. I was emotionally and mentally drained and ill before I went. My thoughts and actions for the most part were driven by my husband with a focus on what he was doing, who he was seeing, and I was overwhelmed and my life unmanageable. I was powerless over him and the affairs, but failed to recognize this. Now, with the help of S-Anon I have regained control of my life, and put the focus on me. I can’t focus on him because I can’t control it anyways. I can only do what is right for me when I am ready. My newfound strength has clearly affected his behaviour. I treat him, the person, with love, support and respect like I always have – I adore him! But I have learned to detach the sexaholic from him, the person, and have ways in which I deal with those behaviours (e.g. if he’s texting on the couch I leave the room as I can’t trust that it’s not another woman) and lo and behold, the texting stopped or he laughs about who he’s texting and what its about. I don’t say anything. I am stronger now and I have no doubt I can be on my own, but slowly, if we can both eventually get help (and there are so many programs for sexaholics), we will be okay.

I would advise everyone to research sexaholism, SA, SAA, S-Anon and see if your situation fits. The internet has made this so much more prevalent.

You can recover – alone or together – it depends on if your spouse is a good candidate for help. Mine is halfway there.

By: scott

scott — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 20:00:30 +0000

If God is in your body and you know he is there you will find that forgivness (if you feel it is right) he will lead you to that feeling by your heart. Trust me, that’s what happened to me. No way would I be able to forgive her if it were not for God changing my heart. The cheating spouse DOES NOT have a soft heart..if they did you wouldn’t be in this situation. Two soft hearts is the best medicine in the world.

By: Jaime

Jaime — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 11:38:07 +0000

i started to read all those responses above and feel so true to every single one of them. the question always reminds should i go or should i stay? if i could go, i would! i feel like its an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms is what keeps me coming back.

in total we’ve been together for about 8-9 years, been married for 3.5 years. yet in only 3.5 years of marriage he has had an affair for 2 years (or so i can piece together). normal long distance relationship dont last yet he managed to make it last for that long, with visits every 2-3 months. how can i be so blind and believe every single lie he ever told me what he was doing when he was seeing her. the interesting part is, we work in the same company and although not on the same floor but when you see your spouse at work and home, u think how can something so big slip pass u?

there are heaps of physical signs that i should leave but why does he use words to always draw me back? i dont even know if he has really ended up because he was suppose to back at the end of Oct when I saw the first and final confirmation that he was having an affair. yet, after she flew to this country and they met up around xmas/ny.. (because he is a person that can never say no), pleading for him to leave me. if fact she has continually tried to call/sms me to tell me something but never got through since i didn’t entertainment her one bit at all. one drunken night, he was honest with me and admitted he does/did love her.

i said that he didnt love me enough to leave her.. u know what he said… he doesnt love her enough to leave me.. just so promising. from the minute i found out, i moved out.. i’ve been staying at friend’s places all around and finally finding a rental place of my own. it’s been 3 months now and no signs of recovery or even me seriously leaving. the hardest part is colleagues and family don’t know so occasionally we have to play happy family.

i’m so tired, emotionally tired. i can eat and sleep most nights but everything is so empty.. no direction, no motivation, nothing… how do u ever recover from something like that regardless if u stay or go??

By: Lynnette

Lynnette — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 02:14:35 +0000

My boyfriend cheated me for 3 times. Now I gave the forth chances. Am really think, do I do a mistake?

By: filna riolada

filna riolada — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 12:50:10 +0000

as im reading all the problems they incounter.same as my old story of being cheated by my husband.not once but so many times 5 times more.then now same as others story.its hard to rebuild my trust again to my husband,,i felt like my whole world ruined my life by my husband deeds for many times…

By: Wendy

Wendy — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:47:00 +0000

I just read all your post and thank you for sharing.
I have left and divorced my husband of 11 years whom I was totally in love with. He had an affair for 7 months and never missed a beat with me, he seemed to really love me. Take it from me who tried and tried after finding out to still make it work, you cant!!! You lose the ability to ever look them in the eyes and share yourself with them. I cant and will never believe for a second if someone truly loves you they can do that to you. Once you have been betrayed at that level honestly there is no going back.
Yes, you hear of stories that people can survive and rebuild after the affair. Im sorry to tell you this but those people who say that are lying to themselfs and you. What happens is a big chunk of your heart dies and you never truly trust again, you always have doubt in the back of your mind. It NEVER leaves, I wish it could of but cant. You trusted your spouse with your life and they didnt care enough not to hurt you and if they can do it once they will do it again. I know many women who are with their cheating spouses 10, 15, and 20 years later and when I left mine they confided they still dont trust, one even said it was like eating a shit sandwich each and every day. Please dont fool yourself, if they value so little to do it in the first place why would you not value yourself to get out and find someone who will love you. I have and life still is hard cause I dont trust my new husband, I try but Im scared. But atleast I can look him in the eye and together we will build trust in our relationship. So If I can hardly now trust someone who has never cheated on me, how the heck are you to trust somone who has?