Comments on: After an Affair, Can You Trust Again? http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/ to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:28:48 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: been there;done that http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-28154 been there;done that Tue, 30 Dec 2008 05:17:19 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-28154 I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR WHAT EACH QND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS GOING THROUGH. THOUGH THE CHEATING MAY HAVE STOPPED I CAN COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND AND EMPATHIZE WITH THE FEELINGS ON THE INSIDE THAT MORE THAN LIKELY STILL EXIST. AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, GOOD LOOKING, SMART, SEXUAL, OPEN...YOU COULD THINK ALL THIS UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME...REALITY IS A RELATIONSHIP IS TWO PEOPLE, NOT JUST ONE. IN A MARRIAGE, VOWS ARE EXCHANGED, IN A RELATIONSHIP PROMISES AND WHAT IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM BOTH IS LAID OUT ON THE TABLE. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE WILL HOLD OR HOW ANOTHER PERSONS WANTS OR NEEDS WILL CHANGE IN THE FUTURE. ALL WE HAVE TO GO OFF OF IS FAITH AND HOPE. PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELVES AND DONT FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE IT OR YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. IVE BEEN THE OTHER WOMAN AND IVE BEEN THE WIFE. WHEN FEELINGS GET INVOLVED AND A CLOSENESS IS DEVELOPED IT CAN BE HARD TO LET GO ON BOTH SIDES. BUT PLEASE REMEMBER ONE THING...YOU ARE HERE TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DO YOU HAVE TO SUBJECT YOURSELVES TO SUFFERING HURT AND PAIN. THE HARDEST THING TO DO SOMETIMES IS START OVER. YOU DONT PHYSICALLY START OVER FIRST. YOU HAVE TO MENTALLY REGAIN WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS. THE BEST PLACE TO START IS WITH WRITING DOWN ALL YOUR GREAT QUALITIES AND READ IT TO YOURSELF EVERYDAY...I AM GREAT...I AM WORTH MORE...I DO DESERVE TO BE LOVED ...I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE RESPECT, HONOR, LOYALTY. REMIND YOURSELF OF THIS EVERYDAY AND THEN START WRITING HOW YOUR PERFECT LIFE WOULD BE. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. WRITE IN DETAIL WHAT IT IS THAT U WANT AND READ IT AND ADD TO IT AS MUCH AS YOUD LIKE. DO NOT LEAVE IT UP TO ANY ONE ELSE TO DETERMINE YOUR WORTH. I AM TELLING YOU WITH 100% OF MY HEART AND FAITH THAT YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GREAT. I READ A REALLY GREAT BOOK BY GARY ZUKAV CALLED "THE SEAT OF THE SOUL. PLEASE PICK IT UP. FOR MORE ADVICE OR SELF HELP PLEASE VISIT MY EMAIL AND LEAVE A MESSAGE. I WILL ASK FOR PEACE, DIRECTION, NEW HOPE AND ENDLESS OPPURTUNITY FOR U ALL. SINCERELY, TRUTH NINASHEPHERD@YAHOO.COM I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR WHAT EACH QND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS GOING THROUGH. THOUGH THE CHEATING MAY HAVE STOPPED I CAN COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND AND EMPATHIZE WITH THE FEELINGS ON THE INSIDE THAT MORE THAN LIKELY STILL EXIST. AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, GOOD LOOKING, SMART, SEXUAL, OPEN…YOU COULD THINK ALL THIS UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME…REALITY IS A RELATIONSHIP IS TWO PEOPLE, NOT JUST ONE. IN A MARRIAGE, VOWS ARE EXCHANGED, IN A RELATIONSHIP PROMISES AND WHAT IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM BOTH IS LAID OUT ON THE TABLE. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE WILL HOLD OR HOW ANOTHER PERSONS WANTS OR NEEDS WILL CHANGE IN THE FUTURE. ALL WE HAVE TO GO OFF OF IS FAITH AND HOPE. PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELVES AND DONT FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE IT OR YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. IVE BEEN THE OTHER WOMAN AND IVE BEEN THE WIFE. WHEN FEELINGS GET INVOLVED AND A CLOSENESS IS DEVELOPED IT CAN BE HARD TO LET GO ON BOTH SIDES. BUT PLEASE REMEMBER ONE THING…YOU ARE HERE TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DO YOU HAVE TO SUBJECT YOURSELVES TO SUFFERING HURT AND PAIN. THE HARDEST THING TO DO SOMETIMES IS START OVER. YOU DONT PHYSICALLY START OVER FIRST. YOU HAVE TO MENTALLY REGAIN WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS. THE BEST PLACE TO START IS WITH WRITING DOWN ALL YOUR GREAT QUALITIES AND READ IT TO YOURSELF EVERYDAY…I AM GREAT…I AM WORTH MORE…I DO DESERVE TO BE LOVED
…I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE RESPECT, HONOR, LOYALTY. REMIND YOURSELF OF THIS EVERYDAY AND THEN START WRITING HOW YOUR PERFECT LIFE WOULD BE. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. WRITE IN DETAIL WHAT IT IS THAT U WANT AND READ IT AND ADD TO IT AS MUCH AS YOUD LIKE. DO NOT LEAVE IT UP TO ANY ONE ELSE TO DETERMINE YOUR WORTH. I AM TELLING YOU WITH 100% OF MY HEART AND FAITH THAT YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GREAT. I READ A REALLY GREAT BOOK BY GARY ZUKAV CALLED “THE SEAT OF THE SOUL. PLEASE PICK IT UP. FOR MORE ADVICE OR SELF HELP PLEASE VISIT MY EMAIL AND LEAVE A MESSAGE. I WILL ASK FOR PEACE, DIRECTION, NEW HOPE AND ENDLESS OPPURTUNITY FOR U ALL.

SINCERELY,
TRUTH

NINASHEPHERD@YAHOO.COM

]]> By: kristin http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-27948 kristin Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:22:30 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-27948 I am so sorry for everyone's pain. It makes mine feel so trivial. I have been on both sides of the fence. My first marriage ended because i was cheating. The whole progression of things was a nightmare. After he divorced me, I put myself in serious counseling and to this day continue to deal with the pain that i caused him. I remarried a year ago on the 29th. I have sworn not to make the same mistakes I made in my first marriage. However, on a hunch, I went snooping in my husbands email and found very intimate emails to three other women. The emails had been going on the entire time we've been married, and even while we were engaged. I was crushed. I thought things were going so well. He still maintains that he has never been happier. He doesn't know why he did it (he says nothing physical ever happened- it was all just fantasy.) I told him he'd better figure out why or he'd make the same mistake again. He is in counseling and we are about to start couples therapy. It still kills me. I've known for about 2 months. I don't believe in a punishing God, but I have to wonder if this isn't some sort of bad karma...What hurts most is the intimacy he had with one of the women. I almost would have rather him go out and have a one-night stand than to see him expose himself emotionally to another woman like that. She is an old friend of his from college, and is married. When I found the emails, I forwarded one to her and asked her what she was doing with my husband. I also asked her how her husband felt about it. Not surprisingly, I haven't gotten a response... I am so sorry for everyone’s pain. It makes mine feel so trivial. I have been on both sides of the fence. My first marriage ended because i was cheating. The whole progression of things was a nightmare. After he divorced me, I put myself in serious counseling and to this day continue to deal with the pain that i caused him. I remarried a year ago on the 29th. I have sworn not to make the same mistakes I made in my first marriage. However, on a hunch, I went snooping in my husbands email and found very intimate emails to three other women. The emails had been going on the entire time we’ve been married, and even while we were engaged. I was crushed. I thought things were going so well. He still maintains that he has never been happier. He doesn’t know why he did it (he says nothing physical ever happened- it was all just fantasy.) I told him he’d better figure out why or he’d make the same mistake again. He is in counseling and we are about to start couples therapy. It still kills me. I’ve known for about 2 months. I don’t believe in a punishing God, but I have to wonder if this isn’t some sort of bad karma…What hurts most is the intimacy he had with one of the women. I almost would have rather him go out and have a one-night stand than to see him expose himself emotionally to another woman like that. She is an old friend of his from college, and is married. When I found the emails, I forwarded one to her and asked her what she was doing with my husband. I also asked her how her husband felt about it. Not surprisingly, I haven’t gotten a response…

]]> By: Sydney http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-27807 Sydney Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:57:29 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-27807 My husband started an affair with a married woman. I caught him on the phone (a cell he purchased just for her) about a month after the affair began. He said he would end it. A week later I found another phone...he got angry and again said "it was already over". A few more weeks pass....and lo and behold...another phone! After this, I was just shattered, didn't know what to do. I finally got smart and picked up a digital recorder and put it in his truck...come to find out it was him wanting to continue the affair not her. Imagine my anguish. The next day he tells me that he is an open book and wants to fight for our marriage. It's been 5 months and I have extreme mood swings...I'm actually just now finally not wanting to know everywhere he has been. He did apologize but said he isn't going to feel bad about anything. Am I being crazy to stay here? I just don't think I could ever deal with something like this again. I know this is all jumbled in writing but that's how it is in my head. I did speak with the other woman and she assured me she was done...I could have told her husband but I figure why hurt anyone else. I know what I went through and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Does it ever go out of your mind....the wanting to know if he still thinks of her? I just want my mind back and be the strong person I was before. My husband started an affair with a married woman. I caught him on the phone (a cell he purchased just for her) about a month after the affair began. He said he would end it. A week later I found another phone…he got angry and again said “it was already over”. A few more weeks pass….and lo and behold…another phone! After this, I was just shattered, didn’t know what to do. I finally got smart and picked up a digital recorder and put it in his truck…come to find out it was him wanting to continue the affair not her. Imagine my anguish. The next day he tells me that he is an open book and wants to fight for our marriage. It’s been 5 months and I have extreme mood swings…I’m actually just now finally not wanting to know everywhere he has been. He did apologize but said he isn’t going to feel bad about anything. Am I being crazy to stay here? I just don’t think I could ever deal with something like this again. I know this is all jumbled in writing but that’s how it is in my head. I did speak with the other woman and she assured me she was done…I could have told her husband but I figure why hurt anyone else. I know what I went through and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else. Does it ever go out of your mind….the wanting to know if he still thinks of her? I just want my mind back and be the strong person I was before.

]]> By: Rob http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-27749 Rob Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:03:24 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-27749 I chose to forgive my wife after I caught her cheating. The relationship between them is over. I know she has intimate IM chats and text messages with old friends, but no evidence of a physical relationship. I don't think she understands that this hurts me more than is almost immaginable. I love her more than anything, but I don't know how to confront her without showing that I broke her trust with my snooping. We have three very young children and un-Godly bills. Should I call it quits, or how should I confront her? I really do love her, but I know that trust goes both ways to build the relationship back. I am so hurt and confused I don't know where to begin. I chose to forgive my wife after I caught her cheating. The relationship between them is over. I know she has intimate IM chats and text messages with old friends, but no evidence of a physical relationship. I don’t think she understands that this hurts me more than is almost immaginable. I love her more than anything, but I don’t know how to confront her without showing that I broke her trust with my snooping. We have three very young children and un-Godly bills. Should I call it quits, or how should I confront her? I really do love her, but I know that trust goes both ways to build the relationship back. I am so hurt and confused I don’t know where to begin.

]]> By: sarah http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-26722 sarah Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:31:38 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-26722 I felt sickened as I read about the grief the cheated spouses were enduring. The bottom line is how can you allow the same penis/vulva they shared with another person be in you? By doing this you are also having sex with the person they cheated on you with! The people who cheat, commit adultery and lie, are spiritually defiled and have woven their spirit with someone else. They have made themself violated by spiritual contamination in joining physically with a stranger, whom they honored above YOU and your children, they are in actuality expressing passive/aggresiveness of the extreme sort. They know how much anguish they are causing and some sick part of them feels you deserve it and some sick part of them feels immense satisfaction and power over your distress. They are showing hatred. They don't tell it to your face, they show it by their actions. I felt sickened as I read about the grief the cheated spouses were enduring. The bottom line is how can you allow the same penis/vulva they shared with another person be in you? By doing this you are also having sex with the person they cheated on you with! The people who cheat, commit adultery and lie, are spiritually defiled and have woven their spirit with someone else. They have made themself violated by spiritual contamination in joining physically with a stranger, whom they honored above YOU and your children, they are in actuality expressing passive/aggresiveness of the extreme sort. They know how much anguish they are causing and some sick part of them feels you deserve it and some sick part of them feels immense satisfaction and power over your distress. They are showing hatred. They don’t tell it to your face, they show it by their actions.

]]> By: Infidelity Help - Surviving and Thriving Through Infidelity http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-26701 Infidelity Help - Surviving and Thriving Through Infidelity Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:17:15 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-26701 [...] THAT ONE OF US HAD TO EXTEND A HAND I I CHOOSE TO DO SUCH. IT IS NOT QUITE THERE BUT I HAVE A VISION OF US BECOMING CLOSER IN TIME. I KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT BE A QUICK DEAL BUT I AM WILLING TO DO THE HARD WORK TO MAKE IT WORK FOR [...] [...] THAT ONE OF US HAD TO EXTEND A HAND I I CHOOSE TO DO SUCH. IT IS NOT QUITE THERE BUT I HAVE A VISION OF US BECOMING CLOSER IN TIME. I KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT BE A QUICK DEAL BUT I AM WILLING TO DO THE HARD WORK TO MAKE IT WORK FOR [...]

]]> By: lingerie friday » Blog Archive » An Extramarital Affair - Breathing Easier http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-26576 lingerie friday » Blog Archive » An Extramarital Affair - Breathing Easier Sat, 01 Nov 2008 14:57:06 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-26576 [...] two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in their marriage after infidelity and learning how to trust again He is author of “Break Free From The Affair.” Information on Dr. Huizenga’s book [...] [...] two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in their marriage after infidelity and learning how to trust again He is author of “Break Free From The Affair.” Information on Dr. Huizenga’s book [...]

]]> By: Same boat http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-20802 Same boat Thu, 22 May 2008 19:20:32 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-20802 This is so difficult to read as I went through this last year - the emotional roller coaster. I'm sorry for both of you. May I recommend a Retrouvaille Retreat? That's what helped us. We are doing so much better than it's been for years, even before the affair. I am slowly gaining trust but it will take a LOT of time. Good luck to you both. Consider the retreat -- look it up online. It was a miracle for us. This is so difficult to read as I went through this last year - the emotional roller coaster. I’m sorry for both of you.

May I recommend a Retrouvaille Retreat? That’s what helped us. We are doing so much better than it’s been for years, even before the affair. I am slowly gaining trust but it will take a LOT of time.

Good luck to you both. Consider the retreat — look it up online. It was a miracle for us.

]]> By: cee http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-20685 cee Wed, 21 May 2008 01:55:35 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-20685 hi. I just read what happened to both of you. I know how it feel because my boyfriend once cheated on me. We are trying to rebuilt the trust again. I seriously think you should stop pretending you understand. Show them you can live without them. The reason why they can't make their mind up is because they know you need them. As soon as they see a different look on your eyes then it will finally hit them. They will realize that this you really mean it. Sally, I once gave my boyfriend time to be with me and be with her. And it hurted me so much. I was happy when I'm with him but also Tories because I know when he's not with me he's with her. So one day I told him to leave me alone. Then after not seeing me, he called to tell I'm the one he love and that he broke it off with her. Please I know you guys love them but is it really worth it hurting yourself over and over. I really hope thins will work out for all of us. hi. I just read what happened to both of you. I know how it feel because my boyfriend once cheated on me. We are trying to rebuilt the trust again. I seriously think you should stop pretending you understand. Show them you can live without them. The reason why they can’t make their mind up is because they know you need them. As soon as they see a different look on your eyes then it will finally hit them. They will realize that this you really mean it. Sally, I once gave my boyfriend time to be with me and be with her. And it hurted me so much. I was happy when I’m with him but also Tories because I know when he’s not with me he’s with her. So one day I told him to leave me alone. Then after not seeing me, he called to tell I’m the one he love and that he broke it off with her. Please I know you guys love them but is it really worth it hurting yourself over and over. I really hope thins will work out for all of us.

]]> By: Sally http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-18347 Sally Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:03:06 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2007/12/14/after-an-affair-can-you-trust-again/#comment-18347 Hi Arthur Thanks for your reply. I do still love him. I remember who he was before this happened. He was a decent man who I trusted and believed in. I suppose that makes it worse. I know we had a good marriage. Not perfect (is there such a thing). I know I didn't want him back just for the kids. I most definately want him back for me. If we didn't have children I would want him back. However, I think I would have given up the fight sooner. He is now back after spending a month with her. We met up during this time and he came home a few nights here and there. To help me and to see the children. It was as if I was having the affair with him. We talked lots and he told me he wanted to come home but had to stay until he didn't feel anything for her!! He has been back a few days now. It's not easy. We talk lots and are physically close but my head is in turmoil. Will he go again? How can I trust him? Why didn't he love ME enough to give her up as soon as I found out? Why did this ever happen in the first place? How could he see my pain and carry on this affair? I know what you mean about putting your guard up. You have to protect yourself. I am willing to give this time. I think only time will tell. If he does go back again I will have to accept it's over. I have given everything I can to saving us. I have no more to give. The woman he was with is not married. I think she must be the most selfish type of person. What kind of a woman will break up a family. (I know he is more to blame) I'm not sure about telling the wife of Ray. I think I would be tempted. Partly for revenge but also because they deserve to know who they are really married to. I would not want to cause hurt to the innocent party though. We both know what that feels like. Good luck - Sally Hi Arthur

Thanks for your reply. I do still love him. I remember who he was before this happened. He was a decent man who I trusted and believed in. I suppose that makes it worse. I know we had a good marriage. Not perfect (is there such a thing). I know I didn’t want him back just for the kids. I most definately want him back for me. If we didn’t have children I would want him back. However, I think I would have given up the fight sooner.

He is now back after spending a month with her. We met up during this time and he came home a few nights here and there. To help me and to see the children. It was as if I was having the affair with him. We talked lots and he told me he wanted to come home but had to stay until he didn’t feel anything for her!!

He has been back a few days now. It’s not easy. We talk lots and are physically close but my head is in turmoil. Will he go again? How can I trust him? Why didn’t he love ME enough to give her up as soon as I found out? Why did this ever happen in the first place? How could he see my pain and carry on this affair? I know what you mean about putting your guard up. You have to protect yourself. I am willing to give this time. I think only time will tell. If he does go back again I will have to accept it’s over. I have given everything I can to saving us. I have no more to give.

The woman he was with is not married. I think she must be the most selfish type of person. What kind of a woman will break up a family. (I know he is more to blame) I’m not sure about telling the wife of Ray. I think I would be tempted. Partly for revenge but also because they deserve to know who they are really married to. I would not want to cause hurt to the innocent party though. We both know what that feels like.

Good luck - Sally

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